Back in 1998 - about six years after I fully gave up on the idea of gender transition and detransitioned, came off HRT, purged myself of female clothing and my female identity, and went into trans denial - I got into my first serious intimate relationship with a woman. I have to say, shamefully, that I didn't find her very attractive; but we connected really well, shared a lot of interests and the fact she was into having sex with me seemed like a bonus. I wasn't too keen on the PIV stuff, but since she was a hetro woman she was and I coped well enough.
I never told her about my trans history when we got together, although I figured I should if things got really serious; enough people from my past knew about it that she would find out about it eventually and my preference was that she hear it from me instead of via the gossip grape vine.
About six months in I decided to come clean, let's just say it didn't go down too well. I expected her to be a lot more understanding, but she was anything but that. You would have thought I'd told her I was previously a mass murderer or something. I had to do a lot of calming, reassuring talking to keep her from walking out on me there and then.
A large part of that talking included me saying that I had "lied" to the shrink ("saying things I figured he wanted to hear") to get an HRT referral, that I "wasn't really" trans, that I "no longer" wanted to be a woman, "never" intended to wear women's clothes again, that I had "no intention" of ever transitioning again. Being as in denial as I was at the time I mostly believed what I was saying to be the "truth" and it was enough to placate her; for a while anyway. It clearly bugged her that she was dating a"man who had wanted to be/had dressed as a woman and taken hormones", she was constantly fretting someone she knew would find out. Yeah, she was more worried about how she and her "boyfriend" looked to others than about me as a person...but you know, that's people for you.
She broke up with me about three months later, citing other reasons mostly but alluding to the most obvious thorn in the relationship, my trans history. Clearly she was a hetro cis woman and wasn't interested in being with a "man" who might go all trans lesbian on her 1, 3, 5, 10 years into the relationship. Not that she said that but on reflection it was the subtext, loud and clear.
Thinking about what I said to her when I first tried to redact my trans history, my denials and my assertions that it was only a phase and would never happen again - and comparing it to where I am now 18 years later, happily and fully transitioned with a GRS under the belt, I can't help but wonder if at some level I had been deluded or lying. But was I lying to her or to myself?
Although I felt what I had said to her was true at the time, I know a part of me didn't believe it. I was saying what I knew she wanted/needed to hear. So a bit of a lie to her, but mostly I was lying to myself...and I continued to do so until about 2013 when I had my major dysphoria melt down and couldn't pretend I wasn't trans any longer.
Would I have had my melt down in 2013 even if she and I had stayed together and maybe had a family? Or might it have happened sooner, or later? I think one thing I can say for sure is that would have happened at some point and the recriminations, accusations that I had "lied to her" had I dared ventured to re transition would have come thick and fast. In that sense I'm more than glad we broke up when we did. In "lying" to myself - unintentionally or not - I wonder if I was also lying to her in some way. I have no doubt she would have seen it that way.
Regardless, I'm so, so glad I didn't have to deal with that issue and any such accusations in my current transition. I'm also really glad I finally had the opportunity to come clean to myself. :)
Seems like your story has a happy ending :).
Hi Grace,
It is amazing how big our capacity is for lying to ourselves. It is scary really. It sounds like things went as well as they could. It sounds like you learned a lot from the whole experience.
I think you are right about having "GRS under your belt." It would probably look funny somewhere else and finding a surgeon to do it might be hard. LOL
Moni
More than a story, it's the naked truth of one person's personal journey, well expressed, to thousands of like-minded individuals across the globe. That's the wonder of this forum, and that's what makes me appreciate many of the amazing people who make this site come alive, Ms. Grace being a notable example.
I am in a disconsolate mood, having been told off this evening by my step-son in no uncertain terms that I am an embarrassment to my family and that I need to move far away in order to not cause more damage. He conveniently omits the fact that I still pay the $3000/mo mortgage on the home he and the rest of my family still live in. A small matter.
That is what transition can entail. It can be a whole can of whoop-ass when you least need it or expect it. I find a lot of solace here, reading about what others have to deal with, and what they have dealt with to get where they are. It reminds me I am not alone. Thank you, Ms. Grace. Thank you all.
With kindness,
Terri
Edit: No sooner do I post this, than my friend Monica posts as well. I like that.
One of my more serious relationships with a female told me I would be better off as a woman , she was into men. That would of worked :laugh:
I was married for ten years. We have a 12 year old daughter. I never told my wife I was trans. I never really told anyone. After we got divorced about 5 years ago I started pursuing the idea of transitioning.
So one day my ex asks me if I was gay! She was commenting on the change in my appearance. I told her no, and explained I was trans.
At first she was supportive. She wondered why I never told her. She said certain things made sense now since I wasn't like other guys she knew, and more like a woman. She liked that about me (she's bi).
I explained I never told anyone. Even therapists I had seen (well I told one, and she was kind of dismissive, so I never mentioned it again). My ex was concerned with my well being. I explained I wasn't about to go walking around dressed like a woman. I wasn't ready for that.
Then after a few days she got very angry. She felt I lied to her, and that I should have told her in the beginning. She said if she didn't have her journal to write into she would have hired someone to harm me!
At one point she took said journal and self published it as a book! And she used my real name too.
Since that time things have calmed down between us. We don't discuss it anymore. I make sure when I'm invited over for holidays that I tone down my appearance (like no nail polish, etc).
When I save up enough for FFS I will cross that bridge. But for now I just told her I changed my mind about it. It's easier that way.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Amazing story, but really common for many of us. Having transitioned, detranstioned, and then transitioned for good that included GRS for me as well I can certainly relate to your story. I wouldn't say you were lying. Denial is probably more likely what it was than lying. Either way congrats on making all the way through this time successfully Grace. Hugs
Mariah
I loved my ex with all my heart. Unfortunately it was my brain that grew up on female hormones. She was my alpha and omega. In our seven years together, she was my first girlfriend, my first sex partner, my best friend. In my head I committed to only having one wife and I was fully committed to see that commitment fulfilled. But she knew nothing of my sexual confusion. It's different when you go home every night and only see each other a couple times a week, than living full time together. Before our marriage I could protect my secret. After marriage I could not. But my dysphoria was right there for her to view. That two inch thing between my legs. There is no way on earth, i would have allowed her to walk away without a fight, if I was not already convinced I was mis-gendered at birth. In the ensuing 37 years we lost contact until last April, I always thought she had cheated on me. But I found out she caught me dressing up. I immediately went to my gender counselor and confessed my transgender characteristics and now I can see little glimpses of who I was supposed to be all these years. It's been a strange, confusing, exhilarating, painful, affirming, educational year that I should have had many years ago but I could not even be true to myself.
Grace,
Thank you for posting this account of your brave struggle and ultimate success. Personally, I'm somewhere far predating the 1992 point on your timeline. I'm doubtful I will progress past this point, hoping I've found some modicum of internal peace with therapy that has allowed me to continue without committing to transition in the immediate term.
I purged all my feminine effects a few weeks ago. A bitter-sweet experience to be sure, briefly followed by a modest wave of relief but an act I'm already regretting. This purge was not predicated on guilt or denial but rather the recently waning urgency to briefly assume the gender congruent role and desire to simplify my life. The brief episodes offered progressively waning dysphoria relief. I have not come out to anyone, including my wife. I came to see the "Steph time" episodes over weekends she would be out of town and need to discretely store growing wardrobe to represent an unacceptable risk of discovery and the predictable catastrophe which would follow; moreover something of a charade, a briefly toying with the feminine but making no progress toward a solution.
For now, I'm taking it day by day, week by week, month by month. For now, I'm finding the dysphoria demon to be mostly manageable and the task of transition beyond that I am able to imagine possible for me. I am quite sure I would lose my family and most probably my career as a result.
I'm grateful for Susans.org and the wonderful people here who share details of very intimate personal experience for the benefit of us all. The experiences of many who have ultimately transitioned and come to know a better life offer hope that transition is possible, albeit with profound difficulty. Thank you for offering your story, Grace.
Steph
Thank you Ms Grace for your story. It's different from mine except for maybe the denial of who we are.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I recall when you arrived here Grace and still appreciate your fearless introspection. Thank you for sharing that very personal and obviously inspiring episode.
I was married, as a teenager, to a girl that, reasonably enough, found me lacking as a man. My shame, fear and confusion found me defensive, angry and lying to the both of us. I knew I wasn't a man but i could not accept that I could be a girl in that body. I had numerous other occasions to continue the out loud denials and settled on every one considering me to be queer which is only part of the truth.
Call it out right lying or denial it ends up that we can share that same coming "clean" feeling of relief by staying true to ourselves and our dreams.
Is a dream a lie we tell ourselves? My dream girl was finally reduced to a mere shadow girl that i could dismiss for only so long. Good to be real now eh?
Yes, it is certainly a strange place we find ourselves in. To tell the truth from the outset requires not only 100% self awareness but also places us at risk of rejection and vilification from others. It's no wonder we keep it to ourselves, intentionally or not!
Sometimes our loved ones lie to themselves, too. "If he loved me he would stop", drinking, gambling, really being a woman. They lie to themselves then call it a betrayal on our part because we can't live up to their fantasy. We lie to ourselves, sometimes so early and so deeply that we ourselves have no idea. They call that a betrayal, too.
Not a problem. My male side will say almost anything to placate a pretty female, I noticed. To him, one must do what one must do to keep the woman happy.
Most cismen, who actually keep their girlfriends, learn to do so also. NO, those pants don't make you look fat. Sure, your hair looks fine. Of course I don't care. To object isn't worth the firestorm. Besides, my easygoing male side really doesn't care about most of it.
My female side has no such tendencies, almost to the point of rudeness. But it's easier that way.
Hi Grace
Thanks for sharing your story.
I put off my transition 8 years ago because I fell head over heels in love with a woman. Coming off hormones after 12 months was not easy; thousands of pounds of clothes and wigs were given away as I knew she would never accept the true me.
I tried to pretend that I was a man for her, but I wanted desperately to be her.
Eventually, we must transition and I am now facing GCS alone. Excited about the future and hoping to find a partner when the time is right. >:-)
Love Jools x
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 20, 2016, 08:42:10 PM
Yeah, she was more worried about how she and her "boyfriend" looked to others than about me as a person...but you know, that's people for you.
Hi Ms Grace,
This sentence really stuck a nerve for me.
Always love your posts.
Paige :)