I'm lost. I don't know who or what I am anymore.
I was born male and except for a period during my early twenties, I've never thought of myself as anything other than male. I've always disliked men. My experience has been that they are rough, crude, rude, and hurtful. During that period in my twenties, I would vehemently deny being a man. The response was usually "well you aren't a woman, so what are you?". My reply was that I was "something else".
I've always been sensitive. Far more so than most of my 5 older sisters. I used to have very feminine mannerisms and voice. I've been mistaken for gay, even by one of my sisters. I was always perceived as a woman when talking on the phone.
I've been cross dressing off and on for most of my life. It started in earnest in my early teens, though I have a vivid memory from age 3 of one of my sisters catching me in the closet, putting on knee highs. Originally it was extremely sexually stimulating. I can't remember my thoughts at the time, so I don't know if it was more than that. The urge to cross dress usually disappeared when I was involved with a woman. The only person I told when I was younger was my mom. I don't even remember why I told her. Surprisingly, she was supportive, even once taking me on a mini shopping spree for girl clothes.
The cross dressing isn't sexually stimulating any more. It feels like coming home. Like being where I belong. I want to be a woman, even if it can only be part time. I don't remember feeling that way before. I never felt like I was female. Never suffered the gender dysphoria so many transgender people have.
I got married just before 30 and spent 15 years being the best husband I could. Somehow during this time, my voice deepened and most of my feminine mannerisms disappeared. She and I were great friends, we'd shop, I'd help her pick out clothes and tell her what looked good and what didn't. I didn't feel the urge to cross dress until the very end, when things were going badly. I left over 2 years ago because I felt lonely in our marriage, though most of that was due to my own mental health issues.
I'm separated now, will be divorced if I ever get some money together. I live with and am engaged to an incredible woman who is good to me in so many ways. I have come out to her, but I'm not entirely sure what I've come out as. This has been really hard for her because of the uncertainty. All I've been able to determine is that I'm only attracted to women and that coming out or transitioning would not be practical.
I have come to realize that while I was married and thinking I was being a good husband, I was really being a good wife. I did all the cooking, much of the cleaning, was very caring and very nurturing. I've always had a strong desire to nurture. I don't have any children, but I do have a lot of cats. Some with my ex and some with my fiancee. I still go spend time with my (cat) boys at the ex's.
I've been having a lot of mental health issues the last few years and am not working. My fiancee is very supportive and I'm so lucky that I get to be a stay at home dad/mom. I take very good care of her, her human kids, and our furry kids.
I've really started to dislike my own body. I'm naturally moderately hairy and it disgusts me. A few weeks ago I shaved my chest and legs for the first time. I also trimmed my arm hair very short. It feels so wonderful. Like filling in a missing piece of myself. I've started to think of myself as a woman. It fills me with joy on those rare occasions when my fiancee refers to me as a girl.
So that turned out to be a lot of information. It has felt good to unload. I don't have anyone else to talk to. It kind of makes my fiancee uncomfortable and brings up questions I don't have the answers to. I so wish I could tell one of my sisters. I want someone to talk to about clothes and hair. Instead I've come here, just looking to talk and maybe figure out who I am.
You're in a great place to talk about this, and believe me, you are not alone.
Your story really rings home with me. Oh, I managed to stay married 39 years, but much of this sounds familiar. Being called effeminate, the dressing, the household gender roles (I can clean and cook like nobody's business), the body dysphoria all ring home.
You can see (avatar) where I wound up. ;)
Exploring your identity and feelings is a good thing to be doing. I hope you'll be able to find some resolution and relief for yourself.
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In a lot of ways, your story is like our story. We too started dressing in our sister's and mother's clothes as a teenager and found it stimulating. We never thought of ourself as anything other than a strange, confused, and ashamed man until we faced up to the need to be ourself in this short life after watching our father slipping away from a degenerative disease. Even after furtively buying some dresses and skirts and blouses from the thrift shop to wear in stolen moments when our wife was out, it took a couple of years to begin to accept the part of us that is female. When we did, it felt like a divine revelation that we are loved for ourself as we were made to be and not for what others think we should be.
The whole thing about being nurturing and keeping the house fits very well with us as well, as does having cats around. We always felt different from other boys and men, but never really understood why. We thought there was something wrong with us. We never experienced much body dysphoria until we were able to let I-Amanda out and let me be in front. There was more a general fantasy of wondering what it would be like to be a woman and getting to be beautiful and caring instead of ugly and hurtful. One recurring fantasy was imagining a magic amulet that could switch our body from male to female then back or similarly finding a door to a different world where we could go inhabit a female body for a while then come back to our wife and family. The idea of a one-way, irreversible surgical transition is quite frightening. We are not sure yet of what we really want and do not want to give up Maleme. Our current thinking about integrating ourself is more of a social transition without HRT or surgery, but that puts us into the "guy in a dress" zone with a beard to go with our dress, heels, and makeup which is the zone that is the least accepted in society. Our wife is far from ready to accept something as limited as that, so we are just having our private Amanda time when we can. She accepts our need to be ourself in the abstract, but it is still a stretch for her to allow us to dress even if she does not see it.
One thing that has helped a great many people here has been working with a good gender therapist who can help you think through who you are and want you want and need. They can also help with your other mental health issues. It certainly did for us. We went in for gender issues and rapidly exposed all of our other problems stemming from trauma and abuse in our past that we had suppressed for over 40 years.
There are lots of possibilities from which only you can choose the one to follow in the end. People here span the whole spectrum of those who can get by with occasional cross dressing in private to a full, physical transition with SRS and everything in between. If you spend some time in the non-binary gender area, you will learn how even the idea of a spectrum does not really encompass all of the possibilities.
Thanks so much for your responses! Everyone has been so kind and helpful here.
When I was a teen, I heard of a manga in which the main character fell into magical waters. From then on he would change gender back and forth. While I never got to read it the idea was enticing. Much like your amulet. I guess in that respect, I have thought of being a woman in my past.
One of the first things I told my fiancee when I came out was that if I could magically change back and forth, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Even that was a little hard for her to deal with.
The more I talk to people here, the more I start to see my past like a puzzle that I was never able to put together. Now it's getting clearer, little by little.
I've been waiting months to get to see a therapist just for my anxiety and depression. And the person they scheduled me with specializes in CBT not DBT, so now I have to ask for someone else and keep waiting. I'd be surprised if we have anyone who specializes in gender issues in my rural area.
Kat-lady,
It is good to hear that you are in working on getting a therapist, even if they have no training or experience in gender issues. Taking care of yourself and working on your anxiety and depression is priority one.
While you are in limbo, find time to do things for yourself that you find comforting and help you be accepting of yourself. Some people find long hot baths or some hot tea comforting in this way. We have taken to spending dedicated cuddle time with each of our cats every day since they are so unconditionally accepting.
As Maleme has been able to accept Amanda-me and the 6-year old us, our level of anxiety and depression has greatly diminished. The irony now is that Little One and I-Amanda are having to work on accepting Maleme since we long ago were mis-taught too well that men are all hurtful monsters.