I know many people said they knew they were transgender since they were kids, but did anyone else not realize it until they were an adult? I had some signs when I was a child as if it were unconscious but didn't put a name on it until early adulthood. I had tomboy phases on and off in my childhood and teen years, and when mocked or questioned for them I covered it up with my girly girl persona. I started questioning my gender identity in my early-mid twenties. I had been friends with transgender people and never realized the reality that there were female to males until I met some. Before I realized there were female to male transgenders I had fantasized about being a male physically and having more physical male qualities. I've always been resentful of being assumed to be like an average woman and people assuming that I want to be a mother and like baby showers and weddings. I felt my whole life like people were trying to assign personality traits to me just because I was assigned female at birth.
When I look back on my teenage years I had suicide attempts for what I now know to be gender dysphoria. I experienced gender dysphoria before thinking that I acutally wanted to be a man and was uncomfortable with my body long before this realization.
I knew from a young age I was not supposed to be a girl but did not realize there was anything I could do about it. So I put it to the back of my mind for a decade. In that sense, I didn't know what my problem was exactly, even though I knew I had some sort of problem... and I didn't know the solution or the means of the solution for ages.
I did not try to compensate like some do, what I did was take the most stoic, pessimistic view possible and decided my life was just miserable and that I'd just have to get on with it. Or die. I had no desire to die, so I got on with it. Or rather I got on with living as who I wanted to be, minus any physical changes. I'm not much of a conformer. I developed my mind and ignored my body. I took a lot of difficult paths for the challenge of it. I did not live a 'normal' life. No spouse, kids, nothing like that. I'd decided a long time ago I would never have those things because I wasn't normal but I would live for myself instead.
So at this point I'm totally happy with who I am upstairs... which has made the decision to transition - once I discovered I could - very easy.
I started to wonder if I was transgender in my 30s. I still managed to talk myself out of it for nearly three more decades. I hadn't a clue before my 30s. In hindsight, however, I can see the signs going back to when I was 7. The evidence was all there if I'd just known what it meant.
Thanks Kylo. You seem like a very strong minded individual. Glad everything is working out for you.
KathyLauren- Is it harder to come out later in life? I suspect the world is a lot more open now to things like your transition than it was a few decades ago.
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on December 25, 2016, 04:26:16 PM
Thanks Kylo. You seem like a very strong minded individual. Glad everything is working out for you.
Thanks.
Tbh it is a difficult path. That strength comes from having nothing to lose. So whether it's good or bad, who can say... if you have nothing having something is good and transition is a step up.... I know some have a lot to lose and the decision would be harder for them but perhaps more rewarding in the end. I think other people I know who are not like me are happier in general.
But it can't be helped, I was made this way and it can't be undone. Transition won't make me one of them. But it might make me finally able to relax. That's about all I'm aiming for at this point. I don't expect life to bring me all my lost opportunities or anything, once I'm done with the transition.
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on December 25, 2016, 04:26:16 PM
KathyLauren- Is it harder to come out later in life?
LOL! :laugh: I have nothing to compare it to. Harder than what? Yes, it was hard, but I have no reference point.
Like Kylo I didn't put the term transgender to my condition for 50 years. I just thought that everybody thought about their gender and being the opposite gender like I did. Apparently not.
When it became all encompassing it consumed 100% of my being and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. 14 months ago i told my sister about my thoughts and the rest is my last year.
The hardest part is my wife and family are ignoring the situation. So I'm pretty much transitioning by myself. Oh well, at least I'm still welcome in the house. (My kids are grown and it of the house)
I would say it depends upon your family support as to how hard it will be.
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I didn't have a word for it until I was 17, but after reading more about it then I can identify points in my life as early as 5 years old where I was experiencing dysphoria. It became much more pronounced throughout puberty and adolescence, but I just didn't have the vocabulary to describe it at the time. I think like you, I knew that there were MTF trans people but at the time I had never heard of a FTM trans person and didn't realize that was a thing for someone AFAB. The first FTM that I can recall knowing about was Chaz Bono, and he didn't come out until a year after I learned that there was a word for me.
It's interesting. I was thinking earlier if there was as much information out there when I was 14 or 15 as there is now, and insurance coverage had been more commonplace, I often wonder if I would've pursued transition at a younger age. I think my timing was fairly good and transitioning at 25 hasn't really impacted my life too negatively. I do wish I could have entered the workforce as male initially. I think I would've been much happier and would've stayed in my first adult job had I not been female and coping with dysphoria.
I know that as a child I had what would now be called gender issues. At one point in second grade I prayed that God would make me a girl. (Prayer rewarded with a yardstick strike across the wrist.). I didn't have a name for it until my early 30s, though, when while interviewing people for a job on my team, I interviewed a transwoman obviously in transition. At one point the thought popped into my head, "She's so brave. I wish I could do that." HUH? My subconscious had outed me to myself.
I kept it buried deep for my family's sake until last year, when the chronic depression and anxiety from dysphoria drove me to almost end myself. I got help, and I'm doing better now. I'm transitioning with help from a good gender therapist and support groups (like Susan's Place, and out in what we laughingly call the real world).
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It seems back in the day most of us were all alone and isolated with it and nowhere to turn. Our parents and society taught us to suppress our sissy/tomboy natures and blend in. To adopt a false (for us) gender identity that would conform to social norms.
Now anyone with an internet connection has immediate access to a huge worldwide trans community of support.
Today kids are watching Youtube transition videos and telling their parents that they are transgender. This genie ain't going back in the bottle.
I came from the bible belt of the upper midwest, if you can imagine such a thing. This is a geographic area associated with political liberalism yet EXTREME conservatism in the lifestyle choice arena I am in my mid 60's and the concept of identifying with anything other than assigned gender at birth was not conceivable. However I had always been different and could not explain why. I hated male culture. The jock boys of my high school bullied me intensely. I loved extensive conversations with the girls. My wife was attracted to me when we met in the 1970's largely because of my ability to identify with her, and her female friends instead of showing her any male traits. Little did she know, and little did I know at the time, that I actually felt an identity with being a woman, as well as being attracted to her as a woman. I cross-dressed on the sly for nearly 20 years before she caught me first. Then again 2 years later, and 2 years later, and so on and so on and so on.
Thank goodness we now live in Washington State, and by State Law transgender people are legally using the restroom that matches the gender that we identify with, without having to prove any biological stuff. I love living on the West Coast where a simple smile and my lipstick grants me acceptance anywhere I go.
I have a very similar story to you alienbodybuilder, although obviously from the other direction.
It's genuinely amazing looking back and seeing all the now-obvious signs that have been there all along. I know the dominant story shown in the mainstream is of people who knew since they were little children, but we are all individuals and we all have our own stories. I'm happy you realized who you were, regardless of when. :)
I sort knew I wanted to be a girl since like the age of 4. That was 1960, not exactly a good time for that sort of "Sexual Revolution". Later in my very early teens or even tweens "The Christine Jorgenson Story" aired on TV. That was followed by a PSA for the Eric Erickson Foundation for more info. I wrote away that night for it.
Growing up the age, culture, and blue collar hard working and hard living world I did there was no other option then trying to be a guy. In fact "trying" meant being more so in order to remove any sort doubts anyone may have. The absolute last thing in the world I wanted was anyone discovering my secret. Even the occasional, typical guy ranking, of "You are such a girl" was cause for a fight.
Twice in my late teens/early twenties after uni, and after a divorce I "experimented" with transitioning. Both times utter fails. The emotional damage of dealing with, or keeping under wraps, the GD was deeply rooted. I could never shake that "Some guy in a dress" feeling. Which in a world filled with 5'6" women and you're 6ft in flats.... :( Standing out hardly worked out to be a good thing in guy mode. Forget about it in female mode. I was not about to volunteer for a lifetime of all the BS I had to deal with as a kid. Easier to try to be a normal(ish) guy. I had that down pretty good
It took another 30 plus years to find the strength to take on the Trans-Beast for real. Thankfully, throughout those years I slowly filled my tool chest with the stone knives and wooden clubs I needed to start using to deconstruct the years of damage I did to myself. It wasn't east at first. Seven years later I still find plenty that needs fixing and plug up some leaks.
JoanneB how did you take the trans beast in again? i ask beacuse i too, in my early 20s who had to be a man pushed female feelings down and i often deal with doubts and ''man'' feelings
Not to totally derail the thread... I did it by groping my way through the darkness and pushing my envelope. In a sense, much like "Opposite George" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RerJWv5vwxc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RerJWv5vwxc) Everything I was doing for 50 years did not make it go away. Time for a change of tack
BTW - just got a new job, had to move away from my wife and am taller. Otherwise GC & I have a lot in common
I am AMAB, and feeling feminine and dysphoric about my male body.
I started realising I may be transgender at age 32.
Before that, it was confusion, distress and a general sense of disgust about the life to live, the ways to dress, the roles to play in family and society.
I grew up with a lot of confusion about myself and my feelings. I wished to stay with girls, but I never loved them. I started to be aroused by female parts (especially breasts) when I was 8.
I was not happy of all the things I did, I felt I always "had" to do something, and I could not "see" myself and be happy with it. Only late in my life, between 32 and 34, I am starting realising that that is partially due to the fact I can't be happy considering myself as a male. It is taking some time for this to be clear.
I grew up with very low self esteem, thinking I was weird, I was a bad friend for my male friends, that I was a pervert, dumb and depressed (actually, I think I was, but the motivation people was giving to me never made sense to me). Add to this the fact that being a "->-bleeped-<-got" was equal to having no value, no force, nothing, just the most humilating thing on Earth. Being a "->-bleeped-<-got" was the last thing I wished, and the door with my self inside remained shut for loooooong time (but I was bullied for many other things in my life, until my 32).
I decided in my twenties that was time to react and live a beautiful life, not giving up to depression: I studied, improved my maths and computer skills, made friends, listen to music, ask girls out, eventually I went abroad for a PhD and living by myself, but... the wrong choice about where to live sent me directly into a deep crisis, in which I had to start solving my issues. In that moment I also discovered I was acting in some sort of way.
I firstly opened to the idea of being gay, but that did not solve all my doubts (e.g., that sensation of disgust about my future), and one day I read about transgender people, and I saw my "female" eyes. It was like this that I opened that door, the door of my feelings, and I found a word that defined me: female.
Funny fact: I would love to kick the as*es of people who bullied me and would bully me again: I feel more "masculine" now I know I am a woman that back then :D I am starting understanding how masculine and feminine are ideas that change with the society (maybe keeping some constant things, like Jung's "archetypes").
I think that there are too many factors: our personality, our family, our environment (even if I was born in the south of Italy, in my town there was already some homosexual people living freely - even if with some difficulties - but I just didn't see myself as a homosexual boy), the strength of our feelings, our sexual orientation...
There were few signs from my 3, 4, 5, 6, and then signs started to become "Oh! I am wrong, let me do what others do". And all started messing up.
But the value of finding yourself and starting seeing yourself as a girl, and deeply living your feelings, even at a late stage of your life? UNVALUABLE. EVER.
I can only say that my journey was something "as it is", it was a battle. I don't feel sad for that. It hurts and hurted a lot, the confusion and the fact of being bullied (also by your family) on daily basis (also by yourself - that "I am a bad person"), that is the sad part.
But now I can feel, and that is, again, UNVALUABLE.
Sorry, I took this reply too far :P You may excuse me.
I can understand your feelings. It is not easy, but necessary. Also many cis people go through very though things, pain and confusion, and being bullied. Pain and humiliation is something in common with living beings.
Kisses to everyone,
Ive
A lot of what you say mirrors my own experience, alienbodybuilder. Albeit from the other side.
I realised in my late teens/early 20's what the issue was. Maybe realise is the wrong word. I think that was the time I started to actively examine myself. Once the turmoil of most of my teenage years were over. Which were, frankly, horrible. During that time it was all I could to mentally to survive, let alone give voice to how I was feeling inside. The why of it was at the bottom of a list. A list that started with 1. How do I get through the day, and 2. Do I really want to?
I think people cope with it in different ways. We find ways to survive. For some it's trying to give people what you think they want. People mock you for being different, so you try to conform in order to stop the hurt. It can be hard in those times to be strong enough mentally to actually understand where it all comes from. So much is coming at you, and you have so much to process that your mind is a whirlwind. If giving people what they want makes them like you... or at the least not hurt you... then it's very hard, when you're scared and confused, to have the strength to break away from that.
For myself I chose, and was often forced into, the path of isolation. It was a very lonely path. Being alone often all day, yet surrounded by a group of people, quite literally. I think that is eventually what led to the introspection. After several years of being obsessed with why does everyone else hate me? What did I do wrong? I was forced into a situation where I could do nothing but watch other people doing what they do. All day, every day. And that opened my eyes to the truth. To who I was. Or more accurately... who I wasn't. I began to understand why people treated me differently, why they couldn't put me into the defined categories they had in their heads. I was an anomaly.
It would be easy for me to say I knew from a young age who I was and who I was supposed to be. But I didn't. I didn't want to be anybody. I wanted to be invisible. A ghost. I knew I was different to people around me. And growing up that feeling only deepened. Extreme discomfort over my gender didn't come from being transgender, to my adolescent mind. It came from how I was mentally. I was very... sensitive. Very... quiet. I didn't fight back. It came from feeling that I wasn't... hmm... the parts didn't match the smarts, as it were. But I just thought it was because I was somehow defective.
This is kind of hard to admit and talk about, but I would get physically attacked by several girls in my class at school, and then the guys would chime in because I was so passive, and... well, I don't know what it was. I just kind of let them do it. I was too shy and introverted to do much of anything. So I was damned either way. Ha, getting your *** kicked by girls! and then proceeding to get it kicked by girls. Who weren't particularly physically imposing. I was just too mentally timid.
Fun times.
But that eventually led to the isolation. Every school day for the last two years of secondary school I was forced to sit at the back of a classroom, by myself, and have my work brought to me by teachers while classes would come and go, laughing and joking and doing what teenagers do. And I would watch. I was thoroughly isolated. But it wasn't a punishment. It was for "my own good".
Turns out, it likely was.
That's when I started to look at myself. And not long after... find myself.
...
Sorry for the long ramble. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not always easy to understand what's going on with us in our early lives, much less make sense of it. And that I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
*hugs*