Hi all
Well in this festive season we as humans reach out too family and friends and want to spend this special time with them. My dad was not so accepting of my transition I am a year on hrt now that I started again. I am living full time as a woman for 6 months now. I tried to reach out to my dad and go and visit but he is just being difficult about it. He wants me to come as the person he knows. He insists on calling me on my dead name. I am not allowed to wear dresses or heels if I want to visit him and I will be called on my dead name the whole time even though my boyfriend is with me.
After I told him I am not happy with his arrangement and is not going to give him what he wants he became really nasty with me and told me I must put him in my past just as I put my male self in my past.Because I just care about how I feel and not about anyone else and how they feel about my transition.
Is it maybe better to put him in my past or should I still try to keep relations open with him. Will he maybe one day turn around?
You do not have to do anything permanent. Leave the door open, but make it clear that it is he that has to walk through it.
There is no reason that you should have to appear as anyone other than yourself. If your father imposes a condition that you cannot appear as yourself in his presence, then you cannot appear at all in his presence. If he changes that condition, then you can. Make sure he knows that it is his choice to make.
It is sad when relatives do not accept you. But your first responsibility is to be true to yourself. You need to do this for your own survival.
You can leave the door open, and perhaps you should just in case. But from the sounds of it i would persoanlly close it and move on. He is thinking only about himself and his feelings but projects his self serving feelings onto you to make you feel like the bad one. Its hard for all partys at first yes, but he isnt even open to seeing things from another prospective. If he wants to act like a child and basically make you live an idenity that has made you miserable just so he can have his '''son'' one must ask if its really worth it?
''After I told him I am not happy with his arrangement and is not going to give him what he wants he became really nasty with me and told me I must put him in my past just as I put my male self in my past.Because I just care about how I feel and not about anyone else and how they feel about my transition'' This really ticked me off, so but he really is at this point being manipultive and trying to get things his way. I cut lots of family i loved and trusted because they tried to convince me that i am a ''man'''..... best thing i ever did! but its up to you and what you desire
I applaud you for standing strong. Its important that people in your life respect your decisions. If they love you enough, they will grow to learn(or want to learn). I would say, try until you feel you've tried enough, then just wait. Sometimes people can surprise you.
thank you for the advice. My brothers wedding is coming up in October so I thought of giving it a break till then he will have to face me at the wedding. It would be interesting
Amore,
It is a really tough place to be in. I applaud you for being willing to continually be reaching out to your father. I also have compassion for your pain. Feeling rejection from those that have been close hurts so much and adds a sense of fragility to your inner self. Be strong. You may want/need to put some space between the two of you so that you can heal but I encourage you to not shut the door entirely. I, as a father and grandfather/grandmother (?) only want the best for my kids and admit to not being as quick to accept their decisions as I should. He must be hurting for you by the strength of his response. Maybe in time he will see that the problem is in his unwillingness to accept who you are and come around. Be strong in who you are and keep the door ajar. - Anne
Sometimes people mellow out with time, as in age... they get older and realize time is limited and it's stupid to hold grudges and stuff. Sometimes they never learn. I guess if you still want to keep the door open you always can, just not at your own expense. I gave up on my father years ago, he's always been too abrasive