Heyy, I been doing a lot thinking latley, regarding life after coming out an the start of the transition process. I've sorda touched on this in another post that I had put up earlier. I sometimes think that when I do begin the steps of transitioning that I couldn't bare the pain of what my family may think of me. The females in my family are not who I worry about because they seriously are the most excepting ppl in my life. Its all the men in my family that I worry about whether it be my dad, grandfather, uncles, or cousins. I feel like they would look down at me an think less of me...
Anyone els feel the same way about this???
I don't really know, since I'm a partial transmale and don't have to physically transition.
But it does seem to me that the parent of the same birth gender of someone transitioning would feel the most betrayed.
Males, in particular, seem the most violently opposed to males dressing or behaving in a feminine manner and often mock, tease, and abuse weaker, less masculine males as children, and even sometimes throughout life. Men typically want sons to bring them honor, and seem more likely to feel disappointment and outrage if a son fails to do that.
In my religious, patriarchal family, my parents treated my brothers with an almost devout reverence. We girls were told to get married and my mom was all about finding the right man. She did say I should get a college degree in case my husband died.
But one must remember that I'm 64 years old; expectations were different for women in 1950s.
And my mom not only had a college degree and a 4.0 grade point average in double majors of math and biology (she was planning to be a medical doctor), she was the captain of her college basketball team.
The subject line didn't quite match your question. Bottom line - NO I would not be here today if I had dropped everyone.
This is what my experience is:
My sister is my biggest advocate...Sisterly love and all that.
My brother is understanding and is being nice about it.
My father is in denial. He'll be surprised the next time I travel the 1200 miles to see him
My 20 something daughter and son are accepting, but don't want to talk about it.
All my friends -
6 women out of the many dozens I've told actually talk to me about it (A lot!)
0 men out of the 10-15 that I've told bring it up.
Basically "They don't care" is the theme. As long as you don't throw it in their face (wear inappropriate clothes/make-up for your age and/or occasion etc...) there's a good chance they won't look at you much differently than before. They may think it's weird and don't understand it but I'm not hearing about it AT ALL. BUT I'm telling/told people months before any visible changes took/take place. I'm growing out my hair and have been for 6 months just to get people used to the idea.
Only the few ladies that I talk to about it care and are keeping an eye out on me. Honestly, one of the 6 ladies noticed my demeanor one day and kept me from doing something really REALLY stupid. Let's just say I owe her my life. And for that reason alone, I don't think throwing away everyone you know is a good idea.
One thing that may invalidate all I've said is religion. If there is some strong belief that Trans* people are an abomination to God (I hope their God is merciful on them) then you have a totally different issue. If there is no religion involved you are one step ahead.
Thanks for the responses, let me begin by saying that I'm a pessimist. Not a glass half full type of person, I see the negative in everything. With that being said! We all come from different walks of life an on top of that we as individuals handle/see situations differently. I myself couldn't handle the amount of baggage that comes with transitioning. For the past 5 years I have been isolateing an distancing myself from my family. Not because I don't get along with them or anything along those lines but I feel like when I do decide to make that step I would have to leave them behind. That's just how I feel at the moment about the whole thing...
Its a lousy feeling when your sitting around with family when all the sudden some makes a rude remark or cracks a joke about a transgender person. An your jus t sitting there feeling completely sad with emotions of shame.
If I upped sticks and just left never telling my father/his family where I was, I think that would be a lousy thing for me to do to them for that particular reason (without giving them a chance)... but as it happens that's exactly what I did to one half of the family for different reasons. So I can't say that would a terrible thing to do because I've done it and I don't feel bad about it.
But if it was for the trans reason, I'd tell them first, if they have a problem then after that, it ain't my fault. You never know, they may accept you. Or deal with it better than you think. Either way if you just vanish, they are going to be thinking negatively of you or are going to be concerned.
I basically lost most of my family after I left home and they never knew where I was for years. Wasn't so hard. Most of them were awful people anyway.
Vanessa,
I went into this with the expectation that I would lose everything -- or rather, that I was willing to sacrifice everything. Everything was on the table. I was not going to fail because I was unwilling to let anything go. And yes, that included all my relationships, as well as every penny to my name, every possession, every title, every privilege.
As it turned out, I was lucky. My parents and sister stuck through this with me. Some friends became distant acquaintances that I never see anymore; all the rest are now gone, scattered to the wind.
But now I have a new job, a new city to live in, I've had new lovers, new friends. My life is a woman's life, nothing more, nothing less. And it was all completely worth it.
Make sure to do your research before you talk. If you have a therapist, drill them about what to say. There is a ton of information on the wiki log. Pops and the boys will probably respond with what they think they know. That we choose our destiny. The more I read from the people on this site, the more I think, most of us really don't have a choice. So it is important to give him / them the medical facts.
Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 29, 2016, 04:16:11 PM
Its a lousy feeling when your sitting around with family when all the sudden some makes a rude remark or cracks a joke about a transgender person. An your jus t sitting there feeling completely sad with emotions of shame.
I visited my Nephew this summer. We had not seen each other in a while. He said he could spot a transperson a mile away. It was just before I started my HRT. I said to him. Oh really? My sister who I had told earlier almost split a gut when she heard me say that. 9 out of 10 people don't care that I have decided to fulfill my desire to be the person I was supposed to be. Including my wife and kids.
My brother, sister and their families accepted me. My brother in law still uses my dead name. My Mom and Dad are deceased. I sent a message to my one cousins in July and got a response they love me.
I saw my cousins in the early summer. They are all heavy drinkers and some do drugs too. I was sitting with them at a table at a bar-b-Q and the one cousin starts describing his motorcycle trip with his wife to Martha's Vineyard. The he said there are a lot of ....... and the conversation went down hill fast. I sat there and cringed but did not say anything. That will not happen again.
My ex-wife and daughter will not be seen with me in public and treat me poorly. They will be moving out relatively soon. I lost them but gave them a chance to accept me. I know where I stand with them.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on December 29, 2016, 05:47:35 PM
I went into this with the expectation that I would lose everything -- or rather, that I was willing to sacrifice everything. Everything was on the table. I was not going to fail because I was unwilling to let anything go. And yes, that included all my relationships, as well as every penny to my name, every possession, every title, every privilege.
I went into it with the same expectation. That I would lose everyone and everything. I think it's important to realize that before anyone begins transitioning, because it absolutely can happen.
For me, I lost all family and relatives with the exception of 2. And it was definitely still worth it.
Each situation is different but I regret not having dropped my family well at least some of them a long time ago.... I am stealth ... I had the entire shebang changed....i pass really really well....it is hearbreaking that my very sisters are the ones who out me to people behind my back and when we have little fights they would go as far as threatening to call boyfriends or work to out me.... Hurts..... And recently I discovered that my younger sister made me as a case study project with my full real names in her Psychology class.... Hurts.... :(
Quote from: Miss Lux on December 30, 2016, 02:30:16 AM
Each situation is different but I regret not having dropped my family well at least some of them a long time ago.... I am stealth ... I had the entire shebang changed....i pass really really well....it is hearbreaking that my very sisters are the ones who out me to people behind my back and when we have little fights they would go as far as threatening to call boyfriends or work to out me.... Hurts..... And recently I discovered that my younger sister made me as a case study project with my full real names in her Psychology class.... Hurts.... :(
Isn't that unethical? I never see full names, even on student reports. (Shut up, AnxietyDisorder)
I had to go low contact with my family. Transitioning was something I needed to do and I wasn't going to give them a veto. But my mother is a narcissist, so the family dynamics are pretty messed up to begin with.
Yeah... I know it is :(
That's weird, but I did that..I suddenly moved to Thailand in 2010 to teach, and left my family behind.
I wanted nothing more to do with them, and for good reason.
But a few months after moving here, I read the book Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men and realized I had always thought of myself as male.
Two years later, a high school friend transitioning to female outed me as male, so I did some reading and saw that I'm partially transmale.
I then told my family, but they just ignored me. Or had no idea what I was talking about.
If I were a male transitioning to female they would have no doubt been upset, but I wasn't important enough.
I haven't dropped anyone, and I won't. I no longer have parents, and I don't have kids, which makes life easier.
One brother is happy for me and supportive. The other, I am not out to. When I come out to him, I am not expecting a positive reaction. He may drop me from his life. It won't be me doing the dropping.
Of the other people I am out to, mostly email friends, I had one noncommittal response. The others have all been enthusiastically positive.
Even my brother, whose reaction I worry about, I feel bad about pre-judging him. He could pleasantly surprise me. I hope so. I have never had the luxury of having a lot of friends or family close to me, so I can't afford to drop anyone without a good reason. Now, if someone reacts with hellfire and brimstone, then, yes, they'll be history. But I want to give everyone a chance to welcome the new me.
I've always been more in the camp of fully expecting everyone to ghost *me.* (Not the other way around.)
However, whatever we tend to put out into the universe we get back, so it pays to be positive about it.
Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 29, 2016, 02:48:36 PM
I sometimes think that when I do begin the steps of transitioning that I couldn't bare the pain of what my family may think of me.
Its all the men in my family that I worry about whether it be my dad, grandfather, uncles, or cousins. I feel like they would look down at me an think less of me...
The whole thing about transitioning (to me) is not just changing clothes or body parts or anything external. The most important thing, and maybe the hardest is how you view yourself. You list a few people that will be hard to deal with. You left out the hardest, you. You have to learn during transition to accept yourself. You say good bye to your old image and hello to the new. It is hard. It happens gradually. A step at a time, you get confidence. If you are sure you want/need to transition, relax. It doesn't happen in one day. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, to have some things be harder than others. Know that you are doing what you must. Try to get others to understand, but in the end, it is your life, your happiness, live it the way you think is best. Others have their decisions to make and the only control you have over that is to present what you are doing in your life as clearly and honestly as you can when you come out.
Monica
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:02:24 PM
I've always been more in the camp of fully expecting everyone to ghost *me.* (Not the other way around.)
However, whatever we tend to put out into the universe we get back, so it pays to be positive about it.
That's what I had expected, and was explicitly told would happen by wife-departing.
I now have more friends, more social contacts, and a busier social calendar than when I was playing the role of her spouse. My therapist commented on this as being the result of my finally being liberated, free to be myself after all these decades. We just don't interact very much while in hiding.
It's an interesting change in my transition, unexpected but welcome.
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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 03:24:43 PM
That's what I had expected, and was explicitly told would happen by wife-departing.
I now have more friends, more social contacts, and a busier social calendar than when I was playing the role of her spouse. My therapist commented on this as being the result of my finally being liberated, free to be myself after all these decades. We just don't interact very much while in hiding.
It's an interesting change in my transition, unexpected but welcome.
Thanks Michelle, that's reassuring, but I've always been very well liked when being someone I'm not. =( People seem to prefer the 'fake' me.. (Family, friends and work included.) Still, I'm trying to remain forever the optimist.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:36:20 PM
Thanks Michelle, that's reassuring, but I've always been very well liked when being someone I'm not. =( People seem to prefer the 'fake' me.. (Family, friends and work included.) Still, I'm trying to remain forever the optimist.
Well, part of it is making an explicit effort to move outside my comfort zone and deliberately engage others. I was in a therapy group and made friends there, then expanded to a social trans group for dinners and meetups, which also helped. There have been events at the local LGBTQ center and support groups. More recently I've started attending a Unitarian Universalist church, and have joined several active groups there, to try and broaden my social life beyond just folks united by gender issues.
Still, being on my own, and not having to check any possible activities with the sad old man, or wife-departing, has opened me up a bit.
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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 03:45:00 PM
Well, part of it is making an explicit effort to move outside my comfort zone and deliberately engage others. I was in a therapy group and made friends there, then expanded to a social trans group for dinners and meetups, which also helped. There have been events at the local LGBTQ center and support groups. More recently I've started attending a Unitarian Universalist church, and have joined several active groups there, to try and broaden my social life beyond just folks united by gender issues.
I still have far too much anxiety to go that far. >.< Even joining this message board was a huge step for me.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:51:05 PM
I still have far too much anxiety to go that far. >.< Even joining this message board was a huge step for me.
Small steps, just take small steps. It's how most of us handled this.
I presented as myself at the therapist several times before I tried anything else. After the second session as myself the therapist started asking me about where I would go after the session, and hinted that "home" wasn't the right answer.
I tried going to a Starbucks next door after a session, my first time in a public place. No problem there. A few weeks later I tried a grocery,not one of my regular stops. Again, no problem. I tried an Ulta, the same one I had gone to in male drag to get foundation and primer. No problem. After my first appointment at my gender therapist (btw, she's only seen Michelle, never him), I got a late breakfast at a bakery chain (Boudin).
Small steps, eventually pushing myself to try one new place a week as myself. After 5 months, I was doing the grocery shopping, running errands, almost everything outside the house as myself.
Was I anxious? Oh, yes, especially at first. It took me a while to realize that people aren't actively playing "spot the transperson". I was just another person on the street, another customer in the shop. Well, til I opened my mouth anyway. [emoji6] There just was nothing to be anxious about.
I'm about to try buying something in an Apple Store. Will I get called out, everyone turning and pointing? Probably not ... [emoji56]
Back on topic, in spite of my ex-spouses threat/promise that nobody would accept me she is the only one. My daughters both talk with me regularly. My older daughter has gone to dinner with me. My son has stayed overnight at my bachelorette pad. I visit my mother-in-law weekly. I visit with my sister-in-law when she's in the area. In fact,my in-laws have been wonderful and supportive.
Even without the family and friends I would have transitioned. Honestly, I wouldn't want or keep friends who turned their backs on me. There are billions of people out there, millions in this region, and among those are people I could easily be friends with. I just haven't met them yet.
My health and sanity are more important that unsupportive friends and family. I've lived my life trying to avoid making people uncomfortable with me. Now I finally see that I have to live my life for me.
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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 05:15:54 PM
Small steps, just take small steps. It's how most of us handled this.
I presented as myself at the therapist several times before I tried anything else. After the second session as myself the therapist started asking me about where I would go after the session, and hinted that "home" wasn't the right answer.
I tried going to a Starbucks next door after a session, my first time in a public place. No problem there. A few weeks later I tried a grocery,not one of my regular stops. Again, no problem. I tried an Ulta, the same one I had gone to in male drag to get foundation and primer. No problem. After my first appointment at my gender therapist (btw, she's only seen Michelle, never him), I got a late breakfast at a bakery chain (Boudin).
Small steps, eventually pushing myself to try one new place a week as myself. After 5 months, I was doing the grocery shopping, running errands, almost everything outside the house as myself.
Was I anxious? Oh, yes, especially at first. It took me a while to realize that people aren't actively playing "spot the transperson". I was just another person on the street, another customer in the shop. Well, til I opened my mouth anyway. [emoji6] There just was nothing to be anxious about.
I'm about to try buying something in an Apple Store. Will I get called out, everyone turning and pointing? Probably not ... [emoji56]
See, I've never really 'presented' as anything, even when in full girly mode, I was just, existing. And on the weekends its still this way, I guess you could say the only presenting I do is at work when I have to show up and look like everyone else, grunt, scratch, and swing my hammer. (After full blown panic mode on Monday mornings the odd time when I wake up with makeup residue and nail polish still on..)
I'm sorry, I'm really derailing this thread >.< I'll stop now.
It's OK, hon. I'm sure The Management understands. We're all here to help each other.
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@Angela Your personality goes with you, even when you transition, I think.
If you attracted people before, you could have even more friends after you feel happy and relaxed about yourself.
Quote from: Raell on December 30, 2016, 06:20:15 PM
@Angela Your personality goes with you, even when you transition, I think.
If you attracted people before, you could have even more friends after you feel happy and relaxed about yourself.
:icon_redface: You're all so nice.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 05:22:26 PM
See, I've never really 'presented' as anything, even when in full girly mode, I was just, existing. And on the weekends its still this way, I guess you could say the only presenting I do is at work when I have to show up and look like everyone else, grunt, scratch, and swing my hammer. (After full blown panic mode on Monday mornings the odd time when I wake up with makeup residue and nail polish still on..)
I'm sorry, I'm really derailing this thread >.< I'll stop now.
LOL not trying to make light of your situation, but I can definitely relate to the "full blown panic..."of waking up with make-up residue still on your face, especially when your mascara an eyeliner has fully dried an your sitting trying rub it off only to make it worse an then all day you avoid making eye contact with anyone whom you come across...=\
None of my male friends would be understanding and all I guess will call me behind my back and disown me when they find out, but I have distanced myself a bit any ways and no longer go drinking which is the only thing we did together anyway.
I am not over concerned, I have nothing in common with them apart from drinking, and when I am with them they only talk about the construction industry in which they work and I have no interest in, I usually just stand there listen to very uninteresting talk about building or plumbing and get drunk.
My aunties are the most supportive.
It really depends, but it can surprise you. Growing up one of the most progressive states (Washington) is a blessing so most of my male friends really don't care and actually encourage me, those that don't I'd say drop. As for family my dad and 4 brothers were the big issue. My father is a retired veteran and is a strong Christian, but when I came out to him he surprised me by actually saying he was expecting it, and telling me he understands and he had a friend the same way. But that's just my family, not sure about yours. But a simple answer, no, only cut some out.
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Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 30, 2016, 10:58:07 PM
LOL not trying to make light of your situation, but I can definitely relate to the "full blown panic..."of waking up with make-up residue still on your face, especially when your mascara an eyeliner has fully dried an your sitting trying rub it off only to make it worse an then all day you avoid making eye contact with anyone whom you come across...=\
Lol it's okay, I always make an effort to see the humor in it too. Levity is a great anti depressant lol
Quote from: April_Girl on December 31, 2016, 03:24:09 AM
None of my male friends would be understanding and all I guess will call me behind my back and disown me when they find out, but I have distanced myself a bit any ways and no longer go drinking which is the only thing we did together anyway.
I am not over concerned, I have nothing in common with them apart from drinking, and when I am with them they only talk about the construction industry in which they work and I have no interest in, I usually just stand there listen to very uninteresting talk about building or plumbing and get drunk.
My aunties are the most supportive.
Pretty much. And at work its always cars, snowmobiles, UFC, football and all that other nonsense, or very very crude conversations about women. 'Locker room talk' that supposedly no man would ever say! (but they all say it.)
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 31, 2016, 09:46:40 AM
Pretty much. And at work its always cars, snowmobiles, UFC, football and all that other nonsense, or very very crude conversations about women. 'Locker room talk' that supposedly no man would ever say! (but they all say it.)
Yes they do!
I came out to my family and had no problems except one brother n law who now thinks I'm a pansy we talk and are civil to each other because of my little sister. I felt if they didn't like it,it was their problem not mine. My mom told me she always knew and told me I look better as a female then I do as a male. My family hasn't disowned me just think I am weird.
Yep.
My ex wife has kept my daughter from me for 8 years.
My brother and sister have disowned me.
Tis the chance I took.
I don't even think about it anymore.
Life moves on. I'm married to a great guy who's with the police, I'm happier than I've ever been.
I have.
So far, the experience has been quite lonely and challenging at times without any family and (offline) friends, but it's also been liberating in a way to essentially start anew and leave those toxic people behind.
I really can relate here. I have always considered this. The men and women in my family alike would both be very unsupportive of any type of transitioning or even just the idea of me feeling the way I do. However, I think it is necessary even if things don't go over well. I know personally, that I couldn't deal with the guilt of just leaving. I'd have to say something first.
I know this feeling. I talked about it in depth with my therapist during the early stages of transition. The underlying premise is one of shame.
My thinking in it was this: running away from your family and friends to transition is ending one life so you can start another. It's an idea to be careful with. It's only one step away from ending one life and not beginning another.
If there is just one person you care about who accepts you for the new person you are, then it was worth coming out instead of running away from the people who care about you. The people who don't accept you were going to be lost from your life, irrespective of whether you came out or ran away.
Stay around. Share your intimate secret with people you trust, even if it makes you vulnerable. Give people as much time as they need to adjust, answer all the questions respectfully, and quickly eject people from your life who are hateful and aggressive.
Find the courage to face up to a problem that was never your own choosing... and you'll be a better person for it.
You'll then be left with a group of people who love and accept you for the new person you are. Those who are gone would have been out of your life either way.
Yes, cisgender, heterosexual men are problematic, but you'd be surprised how people will change their views when their bigotry affects someone close to them. Besides, women run the world anyway in matters of emotion and feeling.
Get out there and live!
Big hug.
Claire
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That sounds like something I would say. Be positive about it.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:02:24 PM
I've always been more in the camp of fully expecting everyone to ghost *me.* (Not the other way around.)
However, whatever we tend to put out into the universe we get back, so it pays to be positive about it.
Quote from: VenessaKyle on December 29, 2016, 02:48:36 PM
Heyy, I been doing a lot thinking latley, regarding life after coming out an the start of the transition process. I've sorda touched on this in another post that I had put up earlier. I sometimes think that when I do begin the steps of transitioning that I couldn't bare the pain of what my family may think of me. The females in my family are not who I worry about because they seriously are the most excepting ppl in my life. Its all the men in my family that I worry about whether it be my dad, grandfather, uncles, or cousins. I feel like they would look down at me an think less of me...
Anyone els feel the same way about this???
I will be soon be leaving the life I know behind. I want to start completely over. I am ready for this both mentally and, thank God, financially. I have decided that I need to be happy inside. I want to be a woman. I want to live the life of a woman. I NEED to be a woman. I AM a woman. That is the bottom line. It will mean starting all over. Good for me.
When I cross dress, I am beautiful, even without being on hormones -- which I am starting very soon. I feel wonderful when I am with a man. That is me. My family has given me an ultimatum. So I am gone. At least I will be happy.
Go with your heart, girl. Do what you need to do for you, not anyone else. You have to live your life. No one can do that for you! Make yourself happy. That is what I say.
Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on January 03, 2017, 03:31:07 PM
Yep.
My ex wife has kept my daughter from me for 8 years.
My brother and sister have disowned me.
There it is.
My greatest fear is losing my sons. When things first hit the fan, my wife wanted to keep me from seeing my sons, except in the presence of a therapist. Kind of hard to believe, because we are still legally married. Eventually that demand went away, but she certainly is not offering support, either. My 20 year-old step-son wants nothing to do with me anymore, and told me I should "move far away" so as not to "do more damage to the family than you already have".
My sons are 14 and 10. My teenager told me that he "doesn't care" about me being trans, but "not to do it around me". His greatest fear is his friends finding out I am trans.
My younger son still loves me, and is torn between pleasing his mother, who wants nothing to do with my transition, and pleasing me.
It breaks my heart.
Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on January 03, 2017, 03:31:07 PM
Tis the chance I took.
I don't even think about it anymore.
Yes, I went into this eyes wide open. I knew this could be the price. Losing my friends, my family, and my career. As it happened, I lost few friends, kept my career, and lost my family.
I think about it all the time, but I don't know how I could have made it different.
Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on January 03, 2017, 03:31:07 PM
Life moves on. I'm married to a great guy who's with the police, I'm happier than I've ever been.
There you go again, mirroring my thoughts. I made my decision, and I will accept the consequences. I'm not married, but I do have a boyfriend, and he is wonderful to me.
Am I happy? Yes. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. A low bar, to be sure, but I would never go back to the way things were. Transition was never supposed to solve every problem in my life, only one really big one, and it has.
With kindness,
Terri
Terri, seems we have had similar paths.
For me, the most shocking part of transition was that the people who knew before transition are the furthest from me ie. Family, former colleagues....people who knew me.
But now, the people who love me for who I am are the people who didn't know my past. And frankly, they don't care. Very few are inquisitive....probably thinking that's a part of me I don't want to talk about.
That's why I rejoined Susan's a few weeks ago, I missed connecting with those who have walked the walk like me...or those who are beginning their transition. My transition is done, there's nothing really left to accomplish or goals....except maybe be a mentor. I dunno.
My hubby never asks about the past. He knows a bit, but he'd rather live in the now. And I'm ok with that.
I think I'm probably going to lose everything anyway.
I've been wrong before and had faith in things that I thought were unbreakable. I'm kind of glad I never had kids because I can't imagine the thought of someone taking them away from me.
I wonder if this is the reason I unconsciously led a pretty frugal Bohemian life. The idea it could all be taken away, so what's the point of building castles in the sky. . . and this idea that I'm probably going to die soon. Probably a coping mechanism to stop me building up any sort of hope or investment.
I don't deal well with loss of anything I've invested in. Which led me to invest in myself mostly. At least that can't be taken away. The decision to transition was easy because of it.
Friends can be horribly transient. Family can be surprisingly cold. At least you'll always be there, might as well do it for yourself. Everyone else takes care of themselves for themselves... why shouldn't you?
Quote from: Kylo on January 19, 2017, 06:51:28 PM
I wonder if this is the reason I unconsciously led a pretty frugal Bohemian life. The idea it could all be taken away, so what's the point of building castles in the sky. . . and this idea that I'm probably going to die soon. Probably a coping mechanism to stop me building up any sort of hope or investment.
Yeah, I did this as well,I didn't even leave home until I was 30 and was FORCED to, because I was petrified of beginning a life I didn't really.. have any interest in having. Knowing what I knew about myself, buying a house would've been madness, since I'd only lose it anyway. I refused to marry, I refused to have children, I refused to do anything but internalize myself, and hide away in my little space just.. honestly waiting for my life to one day be over. Occasionally dragged out by 'friends' (acquaintances) to socialize, and fake smiles, while I listened to how awesome literally everyone else's life was (from their perspective anyway.) All in all, I became an expert on 'small talk' since nobody really cares what anybody has to say anyway, they just (not so) politely wait for their turn to speak. Often impatiently. (You start to notice when nobody's actually listening to you, when you hear the same story 5 times in one night, like it's their first time speaking to you. Obviously having heard nothing you've said either.)
..Geez no wonder people (not so affectionately) call me Eeeyore..
Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 19, 2017, 07:36:00 PM
Yeah, I did this as well,I didn't even leave home until I was 30 and was FORCED to, because I was petrified of beginning a life I didn't really.. have any interest in having. Knowing what I knew about myself, buying a house would've been madness, since I'd only lose it anyway. I refused to marry, I refused to have children, I refused to do anything but internalize myself, and hide away in my little space just.. honestly waiting for my life to one day be over. Occasionally dragged out by 'friends' (acquaintances) to socialize, and fake smiles, while I listened to how awesome literally everyone else's life was (from their perspective anyway.) All in all, I became an expert on 'small talk' since nobody really cares what anybody has to say anyway, they just (not so) politely wait for their turn to speak. Often impatiently. (You start to notice when nobody's actually listening to you, when you hear the same story 5 times in one night, like it's their first time speaking to you. Obviously having heard nothing you've said either.)
..Geez no wonder people (not so affectionately) call me Eeeyore..
You just described my college years... someone even got me an Eeyore mug once as a totally subtle hint.
Some of us like to talk deep... I always despised the small talk. I put vodka and a ಠ_ಠ in its place.
Quote from: Kylo on January 19, 2017, 08:12:34 PM
You just described my college years... someone even got me an Eeyore mug once as a totally subtle hint.
Some of us like to talk deep... I always despised the small talk. I put vodka and a ಠ_ಠ in its place.
'vodka and a ಠ_ಠ' ROFL Kylo I always refered to it as 'drink til they're not stupid.' (Spoiler alert, I end up near alcohol poisoning, and they go home stupid still.) Or ended up having to grandstand and self depreciate, because it's my job to amuse other people at my own expense, or everything stays dull.
I never went to college, I bummed around working a lot of dead end jobs to save up money for NO REASON IN PARTICULAR >.> Before starting trade school. I'm glad I didn't. 9 times out of ten I feel like my interations with other people are akin to Patrick Bateman, in the novel (and film of the same name) American Psycho. I'm smiling, but it's not because people are funny, I'm imagining their gruesome end. (I promise I'm not an ACTUAL danger to anyone, my therapist said so!)
My parents kicked me out at 19 and then got a smaller house so I couldn't move back in (nice one), but otherwise the search for intelligent life in the universe continues daily for me too.
Quote from: Kylo on January 19, 2017, 08:28:48 PM
My parents kicked me out at 19 and then got a smaller house so I couldn't move back in (nice one), but otherwise the search for intelligent life in the universe continues daily for me too.
I would've loved to have been kicked out at 19. I'd probably be long since finished transitioning by now, and infinitely less.. bitter and toxic.
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 03:24:43 PM
I now have more friends, more social contacts, and a busier social calendar than when I was playing the role of her spouse. My therapist commented on this as being the result of my finally being liberated, free to be myself after all these decades. We just don't interact very much while in hiding.
Me too. My wife was very controlling so I was unable to develop friendships on my own. She would get very upset if I interacted with someone without her there. She also handled communication with all of "her" friends. If I hadn't made friends through union work I would be very isolated right now. I'm gradually reaching out to people and it turns out I'm okay at this social thing.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 30, 2016, 03:36:20 PM
Thanks Michelle, that's reassuring, but I've always been very well liked when being someone I'm not. =( People seem to prefer the 'fake' me.. (Family, friends and work included.) Still, I'm trying to remain forever the optimist.
To be fair, not only is there the transphobia you have to deal with but you probably haven't let the real you develop enough. The real me was pretty angry when I let him out, and people just don't respond well to that! You have to take some time to process those bottled up emotions so that you can be open to relating to people in a positive matter. Ignore if this doesn't apply to you.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on December 31, 2016, 09:46:40 AM
Lol it's okay, I always make an effort to see the humor in it too. Levity is a great anti depressant lol
Pretty much. And at work its always cars, snowmobiles, UFC, football and all that other nonsense, or very very crude conversations about women. 'Locker room talk' that supposedly no man would ever say! (but they all say it.)
Not all men are that way! I've always thought it was a sign of a man who failed to develop his own interests that all he can possibly find to talk about are sports and "toys". There's also a social thing to talking about sports, a lowest common denominator, but there are absolutely folks who never grew past high school for whom it is their preferred subject (I like sports myself, but come on...). What I really can't stand are the Monday morning quarterbacks and break room coaches who are dumb as dirt but want to tell everyone how they're smarter than highly trained athletes.
And while sexually explicit talk is probably a given whenever enough adults are in the room, if they're getting Trumpy with it I would say it's a sign of serious insecurities. Probably afraid their women will leave them for a man who can talk intelligently on a subject other than sports and expensive toys!
I am naturally a shy person, so when the idea of coming out presented itself, I was scared to death. I thought that I would have to distance or even abandon all of the few friends that I had, especially the men in my family.
Although there were issues, as late as last weekend, with some of the male member's of my family referring to me in the masculine, even when truly dressed to the 9's (Skirt, heals, etc.), I learned that, in the end, it truly didn't matter, because those would not be the people in my inner circle of friends and family anyway.
Since I truly came out, my circle of supportive friends has increased more that I could thought it ever would. Also, I am more close with most of my family then I ever was before.
It is truly amazing and it's only getting better. :)
Katie
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on January 20, 2017, 06:49:53 AM
Not all men are that way! I've always thought it was a sign of a man who failed to develop his own interests that all he can possibly find to talk about are sports and "toys". There's also a social thing to talking about sports, a lowest common denominator, but there are absolutely folks who never grew past high school for whom it is their preferred subject (I like sports myself, but come on...). What I really can't stand are the Monday morning quarterbacks and break room coaches who are dumb as dirt but want to tell everyone how they're smarter than highly trained athletes.
And while sexually explicit talk is probably a given whenever enough adults are in the room, if they're getting Trumpy with it I would say it's a sign of serious insecurities. Probably afraid their women will leave them for a man who can talk intelligently on a subject other than sports and expensive toys!
All very good points. Though, I dont think its so much a developemental thing so much as a gender based expectation for 'men' to be this way or they run the risk of being perceived by their peers as lesser males. I know personally a dozen examples of men who don't willingly take part in the bravado, but they still feel the pressure to laugh and smile when others make thise jokes, even when they know full well theyre in bad taste. I donr know if its fear of being perceived as a lesser male or simply humoring the 'lowest common deniminator.' (Charitable act?)
Ever been in a room full of women ragging on men? That's fun too...
I ignore it. From both camps.
Quote from: Kylo on January 20, 2017, 08:51:27 AM
Ever been in a room full of women ragging on men? That's fun too...
I ignore it. From both camps.
Yeah, there are some seriously toxic women out there too.