My girlfriend mentioned to me that I talk about trans related issues a LOT, and upon reflection, I would call it a lifelong obsession. The thing is, gender is such a fundamental part of one's identity that when there is incongruence, it's hard not to be constantly reminded of it. Unless I'm engrossed in something, there would rarely be an hour go by where I don't think about it in some way. I don't seem to obsess about anything else.
Is this normal, particularly if you haven't fully transitioned and the dysphoria is still raging? How often do you think about it?
I'm the same, it has always been that unless my mind is distracted on other tasks, it always focuses back to the Trans* issue. I'm still pre-HRT and not yet full-time. I have probably spent 1-2 hours every day for the last 25 years thinking about it. I could have taken over the world!
During my first therapy appointment I told my therapist that I had spent at least 14,000 hours thinking about and studying the issue. Even that may be an understatement. So, at least for many of us, I think this mental obsession is pretty normal and a strong indicator that someone is trans and not something else.
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves
I don't remember ever not thinking about it. Even when I was in denial, I put a lot of effort into wondering and then denying it.
Quote from: meganjames2 on December 30, 2016, 07:10:40 AM
I'm the same, it has always been that unless my mind is distracted on other tasks, it always focuses back to the Trans* issue. I'm still pre-HRT and not yet full-time. I have probably spent 1-2 hours every day for the last 25 years thinking about it. I could have taken over the world!
I've decided... Once I've transitioned, I am going to take over the world! 😈
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 30, 2016, 07:28:33 AM
I don't remember ever not thinking about it. Even when I was in denial, I put a lot of effort into wondering and then denying it.
Yeah. Even when I'd have a period of a few months where it wasn't an obsession and I thought I was ok being male I'd realize that I hadn't thought about the trans thing for a bit. Then it's how long will it last this time and there I am thinking about it even if just to deny it again.
TLDR;
Almost always.
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Rarely.
It's there, but thinking about it doesn't help once you've made the decision to transition and are waiting for surgery and hormones to do their thing. It's not something I'm comfortable talking to friends and family about. I talked about it more back in the pre-decision stage. Now it's a given, and I don't feel like discussing it with them as it feels like a dissection of myself on a table. I've never taken the view gender ultimately defined me so I don't believe it defines me even now, it's just a matter of comfort and getting rid of feelings of humiliation or exposure.
It was a pre-occupation as a kid, I spent time thinking and raging about it back then. But only to myself. I guess all these years I learned to dissociate from gender enough that I only think about it practically.
...Think about it more lately because of course things are happening to me that means I have to, and I have to get used to these changes. For the last 10 years I've thought minimally about it all though until I decided to go down this path. I must have compartmentalized this thing and thrown it into some dark corner most of the time because honestly thinking about it at the moment and implications and challenges are exhausting. I'm still dealing with a lot of other wounds that are fresher and easier to think about.
Since I don't plan to transition physically, being non-binary/parital transmale, I don't think about being trans explicitly, as much as being dimly aware of a vague unease, and of making sure that I'm taking my derris scandens capsules, acknowledging and respecting both my genders, and feeling like a blend.
When I socialize with fellow American expats, there tends to be a slight gender polarization expectation, but generally, here in Thailand, nobody really expects me to act like a particular gender.
After coming out, it's common for us to talk about everything that's going on in our life. One of the reason why a transgender group is so good is because it keeps us from driving everybody else nuts with all of the talking we do. I spent many a night in the parking lost after the meeting talking about anything subject that came to mind. Given time, it will reach the point where you will rarely talk about it, but what you are doing now is normal.
It's absolutely constant! As far back as I can remember I was always thinking about women and femininity. At the time, I thought all boys did that.(All we ever think about is girls, right?) I worry about wether or not I'm trans*, but if I'm not, I have a very specific ocd, that never let's up!
Even when I can clear my mind, via strenuous physical activity or really jamming out to music, all it takes is the sight of a pretty girl to tear it all down. Night and day, waking or sleeping, It's exhausting!
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Not Trans per se. For years I didn't know what I was, just that the pieces did not fit. I actually bought into the theory I was a pervert undeserving of understanding. Fast forward to 8 months ago when I decided to finally check out my life long obsession although I only did it in my room for my own enjoyment. I realized that fear was the only thing holding me back. Now I constantly think about it, thanks to the information I've gotten here. I'm not a perv but misgendered and it all started long before I was born. 'I wish that I knew what I know now When I was younger."
For me it's like a persistent toothache. A lot of the time it's a dull ache. Sometimes I get distracted enough that I can ignore it, but sometimes I bite down on a hard reflection, or a particularly chewy interaction and it flares up something fierce, then it's all I can think about for the next few days. But it doesn't really go away. Until the tooth is pulled.
I guess you could call it a Truthache, lol.
Being here is a clue but certainly it has been a pleasant obsession for me. Prior to coming out this thinking was heavily repressed. Once out, there are enough steps to take to reclaim our identity that it makes sense for us to focus.
The more difficult part of this thinking about being trans so often is the weight we might visit upon our significant others. It is often said that no one transitions alone. My spouse and friends have certainly asked for a time out or two when my obsession bubbled over, especially the first year. Now starting my fifth year out life seems more settled and I am happy to forget about being trans more of the time. Still not a day goes by that I am unaware of who I am and how I got here.
Yup, being transgendered was an all-consuming obsession for most of my youth. I have been writing in journals since I was 13 years old, so I did a lot of belly button gazing on the subject all through my younger years. Fortunately, not long after I transitioned 19 years ago, I crossed paths with a group of monks. I spent a lot of time with these monks over the course of several years, and even lived among them for one year in 2006. They taught me some extremely powerful meditation techniques that have been part of my daily routine since 2002.
Since meeting those monks and learning what they had to teach me, I have spent the past 14 or 15 years completely obsessed with my own power over and within my environment as a living being immersed in this Universe. I do still think about being transsexual at least once every day, but mostly I think about what I can do to improve the experience of other transgendered people living in this world. Sadly, over all these years of contemplation, I have been mostly unsuccessful at improving anything of substance for anyone beyond those in my daily life. And maybe bringing smiles and laughter and support and loving kindness to those I see every day is enough in the grand scheme of things.
Still, I go on dreaming of how I might lighten the burden of living for lots of trans people, whether I ever meet most of them or not. There are worse things to dwell upon.
Love,
Miharu
If my mind is not consumed with another pressing thought or task, I'm thinking about it.
Quote from: Steph Eigen on December 30, 2016, 03:10:43 PM
If my mind is not consumed with another pressing thought or task, I'm thinking about it.
Exactly.
Rowan
Constantly, but isn't that why most of us are here? I'm hoping one day I'll move on and stop thinking about it, and like so many I'll probably drift away from this site.
Since coming out to my wife, it is constant. Before that, I would try to block out such thoughts to the best of my ability, I would try to focus on other things, although it has always been in the back of my mind how much better I believe my life would have been, if I had been born differently. I would often day dream about the craziest of things, such as alien abduction, magic incantation, anything really where my gender were to be changed and how great it would be. I don't think this can possibly be healthy, it is why I am taking steps now (very tiny ones, mind you) toward transitioning. I would read about transhumanism, and dream of the day when it would be all so simple to just change gender at a whim.
If I had one constant desire in this world, it was never fame, it was never wealth, it was never anything outside of being a woman. That is it, it has always been like that. Every birthday I had since the age of 9, I would blow out the candles, and wish I were a girl, then proceed to quickly take the first bite of cake.. realizing full well that wish would never come true. Every Christmas, I would wish I would wake up right.. realizing full well it would not come true as well.
When I turned 42, last month, I did not get a birthday cake.. and it hit me. I was incredibly depressed, I lashed out at my wife, telling her it was the worst birthday of my life, I had a melt down and felt horrible. I had to do something, I can't keep living like this.. It was on my birthday, that I finally took a stand against it all, and take matters into my own hands.
I always put such desires upon the will of something greater than me, hoping something would come along and save me, realizing it was not likely to happen, but fooling myself regardless with the "what if" factor. Always dreaming, always wishing, always hoping, never doing though. Now I have come to realize, there is no one who will save me, there is no magical pill that will change me automatically, it is hard work, it is going to take a lot of time, but I am tired of sitting around on my fat behind, hoping something would happen..
Prior to this change in me, my determination, I would just insult myself, convince myself it is never going to work, and move on to something else, with that desire of being a woman always nagging at me.
I would hate to see the my activity log on this site, I must drive the admins crazy with all of the browsing I do. I have so many questions, I seek so many answers. I have a lot of work ahead of me, and I have not even begun the first steps.
PS:
The cake is a lie
(some of you will get the reference:) )
I would say I tried not to think about it. The eeary feeling of it would creep up with every subconscious thought to appear. See a woman with kids at the store. Boom I wish I could be like her. Over and over again. I did everything I could to occupy my mind with logical tasks, for a time video games. But then when there was a choice for a female character I would always always choose her. I tried burying myself in work. It didn't matter it always crept back in if only in a nonliteral feeling. Like many others I hid it from everyone. No one I have come out to say they even had a clue.
From time to time I researched the biology of it. As the internet became more complex I started seeing images and videos of those who had transitioned. I kept thinking I'm too old, my chance was long past. I just kept trying to deny myself. I finally came to the point where I had to tell my wife. I had to at least tell someone else. The moment she told me I wasn't defect for being, a switch flipped and I knew transition was my only path aside from eventual suicide either by action or inaction.
So no I tried not to think about it but yes it was omnipresent in my mind.
Quote from: Steph Eigen on December 30, 2016, 03:10:43 PM
If my mind is not consumed with another pressing thought or task, I'm thinking about it.
+1 and even if it is pressing some days I can't shake it at all...drives me batty
All constant. Just curious if this will decrease after Transiton or after coming out.
Quote from: jules968 on December 30, 2016, 06:54:41 PM
All constant. Just curious if this will decrease after Transiton or after coming out.
I don't think there's so many here that are a long way post transition, so it's a very biased sample.
Well a very small sample of me! I'm way past everything and I have to say I never think about it. I'm just me an average normal woman who happens to Admin a Forum for TG people!
Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2016, 10:17:50 PM
Well a very small sample of me! I'm way past everything and I have to say I never think about it. I'm just me an average normal woman who happens to Admin a Forum for TG people!
Oh, that would be wonderful. In my current state it seems to pop up every few minutes. I'm happy, calm, and relaxed these days, but goddess, I'd rather not have this on my mind at all. Part of my social outreach effort is simply to be with folks who don't want to ask about this or talk about it, just regard me as a woman, not transwoman. When it does come up, I'm saying 'Lets change the subject, please' pretty quickly these days.
I hope it's something that can be left behind. The thought of dragging it around behind me as an identifier is almost as bad as the idea of not transitioning at all.
I guess if the world wasn't so crap about it it would be okay, if it was seen as 'normal as normal'. But it isn't.
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 30, 2016, 11:37:23 PM
Oh, that would be wonderful. In my current state it seems to pop up every few minutes. I'm happy, calm, and relaxed these days, but goddess, I'd rather not have this on my mind at all. Part of my social outreach effort is simply to be with folks who don't want to ask about this or talk about it, just regard me as a woman, not transwoman. When it does come up, I'm saying 'Lets change the subject, please' pretty quickly these days.
It starts getting old pretty darn quick doesn't it.
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on December 31, 2016, 12:56:29 AM
It starts getting old pretty darn quick doesn't it.
Liz
Yah. I'm thinking about just packing a set of brochures and a version of my coming out letter for when the topic come up. "Oh, read this. Hey, how about them Cubs?"
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Quote from: Michelle_P on December 31, 2016, 12:58:35 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on December 31, 2016, 12:56:29 AM
It starts getting old pretty darn quick doesn't it.
Liz
Yah. I'm thinking about just packing a set of brochures and a version of my coming out letter for when the topic come up. "Oh, read this. Hey, how about them Cubs?"
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You try my line. 'Oh I'm just me, but I hear you have weeping hemorrhoids! Please tell us all about them!
She didn't. Everyone laughed. She was embarrassed. No one ever asked me again.
OK I'm going to say something - and there is some sarcasm in this!
Most of you seem to have an issue with being transgender.
No it isn't a barrel of laughs and if I'd had a choice I would even have accepted being a Kardishan and had to 'create' my own handbag range.
But I am transgender/transsexual.
You know something? It is marvellous and fantastic, empowering and challenging, frightening and wonderful.
Yes I faced and you face challenges that can hurt and destroy you but also they can also make you stronger.
Just think for a moment.
How many people do you know who can talk to you about your problems?
How many people will give you a hug and (try) to answer your questions?
How many people actually do understand?
How many people never take in your past, your crimes, your horror but just accept you because..you are trans?
Here you have hundreds, thousands, even maybe one person who understands.
How good is that? We are unique, we have a community that accepts you as you.
OK that isn't ideal. Cisgender people have a community that generally just ignores them. That must be fun?
So let us celebrate being us! Let us be proud!
Is it horrible to be trans? Yes. In some places we are jailed or slaughtered. We are discriminated against and we have to fight for rights.
But let us say something and be certain of it. I'd much rather be me than my wrong gender, no matter the fight.
So let us glory in it. Let us be proud!
And most of all I would never have met you. Yes you.. the person reading this, unless you and I were trans.
Hello, my name is Cindy and I am a transgender woman, I'm so pleased to meet you!
Cindy, I don't know how you find your eternal optimism but I am thankful for you and everyone here on this site. :D Your inner strength is amazing and quite honestly awe inspiring. You are right, I do feel as though I know everyone here. We are a unique community. Thank you for pointing that out again.
Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2016, 10:17:50 PM
I'm way past everything and I have to say I never think about it. I'm just me an average normal woman
That just about sums it up for me, I never think about it now, only maybe when I login to this forum, I'm now just an normal average housewife, a married woman with a husband, my husband never knew me in my other life, has only ever known me as a woman, life is very ordinary, regular routine, day to day life as a married woman.
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 30, 2016, 07:28:33 AM
I don't remember ever not thinking about it. Even when I was in denial, I put a lot of effort into wondering and then denying it.
This is what separates us from CIS people. They NEVER think about it.
But I like you - it was always on my mind. Now that I'm doing something about it (transitioning) and I'm starting to actually present more often, I think about it less and less. This is a good sign.
After thinking about thinking about it (Meta!), I think that I don't THINK about it that much, but I am aware of it. There are all the physical reminders, little sensations reminding me that I'm carrying around some excess donor tissue, and that damn big mirror in the bathroom.
There's no deep thought about being transgender most of the time, it's really just the lingering dysphoria. The dysphoria is NOTHING like it was 9-10 months ago, thank the goddess. It's just a nuisance reminder, distracting, occasionally annoying, but I know I'm dealing with it.
Soon enough it will be gone, and I'll be wholly ME.
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Quote from: Cindy on December 31, 2016, 01:49:42 AM
And most of all I would never have met you. Yes you.. the person reading this, unless you and I were trans.
Truth!
I remember a little over eight years ago when I signed up here at Susan's
I was just a small, frightened little creature hoping to not get eaten by wolves
I was even too afraid to post for quite awhile, but then when I did start posting I ended up meeting one of the best friends that a person could ever meet
I'm not particularly the religious type but I definitely feel blessed by her friendship
I give thanks for all of the various friends I have found here at Susan's
How often do I think about being trans?
Daily, and it is a good thought
Love you all
Hugs
I've just got to ask, V M, is this actually you in the avatar?
All the time! Even though I'm not 100% out, my FB timeline is filled with trans related stories and such. The other times I am trying to figure this whole thing out, lol!!
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 31, 2016, 11:21:27 AM
After thinking about thinking about it (Meta!), I think that I don't THINK about it that much, but I am aware of it.
this is how i feel. at the beginning i think every one is constantly thinking about it and talking about it. after my top surgery, i just..stopped talking about it/caring as much because for me, i am done my transition so far. it was exciting seeing the changes on hormones and how my body looked after top surgery and all that good stuff but now i pass 100% and i live my life as a normal guy. the only time i think about it is when something happens that makes me aware of it (like right now for me it is changing in front of other dudes for school). i think other people talk about being trans/trans related issues to me then i talk about actually being trans.
I think about it a lot. Sometimes I find it exhausting to have it on my mind so frequently, but just as often I think it's a fascinating thing to experience! I mean, how many people (speaking to my personal experience) start going through a second puberty at 34 years old?
Quote from: Denise on December 31, 2016, 10:01:05 AM
This is what separates us from CIS people. They NEVER think about it.
Ahhhhhh Denise, this is the million dollar question for me, how do cis people never think about 'it'? I drive myself wild pondering how cisgendered people never question their gender; it comes all to easily for me. For me very unfortunately, in response to the original OP's question, I spend nearly all day when by myself contemplating being female whether it is through some fantasy or realistic mechanism. On the flip end, I am fortunate that rarely does my dysphoria soak through when I am talking with others. But when it does... Oh geez.
Lately and having just finalized the formalities for GCS and in the midst of deciding to proceed, I think about it all too much. I'm certainly given to overanalyzing things and this is certainly an opportunity for that.
Since starting RLE, getting used to the degree that I've changed appearance, I think about it some except it's not so much thought as positive feelings. Historically I would have thought about it in dysphoric situations -- sex, or when I've felt forced into uncomfortable masculine roles.
Now that's simply things like enjoying the sensation of my ponytail or feeling good about having beasts. I look forward to a flat, smooth curve where today there's an uncomfortable <shenis>.
I'm a bit paralyzed right now by this need to put the last nails in the coffin of my decision. However this follows 15 years of pushing away dysphoria.
I want to respond to this, Cindy wrote:
QuoteHow many people do you know who can talk to you about your problems?
How many people will give you a hug and (try) to answer your questions?
How many people actually do understand?
How many people never take in your past, your crimes, your horror but just accept you because..you are trans?
Here you have hundreds, thousands, even maybe one person who understands.
How good is that? We are unique, we have a community that accepts you as you.
OK that isn't ideal. Cisgender people have a community that generally just ignores them. That must be fun?
Cis gender people are hardly that shallow as a rule, I get good support from all of my friends and gender is not usually the topic of discussion. I don't especially seek out trans people and I'm not especially good at clocking gv people. Of course when I do realize someone is trans that may be something specific that gives us additional bandwidth matching.
I'm a member of not a few minorities (queer and leather and aspergian all come to mind) and seeing ideas that our differences make us better than 'normal' people feels just like the hubris I sometimes experience from heterosexist or cis-sexist biases. Sure, we happen to see some things that normal people don't. I don't feel it's appropriate to feel superior to cis gender people for the same reasons I don't like the terms
breeder or vanilla which I've too often heard as pejoratives.
There are times when movements must be a bit insular as a matter of creating safe space. That need has to be balanced against formation of bias and other-ism.
How often do I think about being trans? I don't really think about it as I'm trans, but the idea that I don't feel right in my body and have a desire to be different is a relative constant. The dysphoria for me seems to come in waves though. There are days, like this morning, where I'm feeling crushed. The anxiety of it feels like a vice around my chest, it's hard to breathe, I can't focus and I'm sure all I want to do is transition. But then there are those other days where I know I want something more but things don't seem "so bad" in this body (dare I say I feel comfortable). On those days, transition seems like a silly fantasy.
So I continue to explore. I'm still trying to figure out if those more comfortable days are just the result of almost 40 years of conditioning or if I'm truly gender fluid and that's just part of the ebb and flow of it.
Quote from: lisawb on January 02, 2017, 01:20:45 PM
The dysphoria for me seems to come in waves though.
It used to be like that for me too, although each time it returned it would be just that little bit stronger than the time before. HRT has levelled out those waves and enabled me to step off that emotional roller coaster.
Quote from: Violets on December 30, 2016, 07:06:27 AM
My girlfriend mentioned to me that I talk about trans related issues a LOT, and upon reflection, I would call it a lifelong obsession. The thing is, gender is such a fundamental part of one's identity that when there is incongruence, it's hard not to be constantly reminded of it. Unless I'm engrossed in something, there would rarely be an hour go by where I don't think about it in some way. I don't seem to obsess about anything else.
Is this normal, particularly if you haven't fully transitioned and the dysphoria is still raging? How often do you think about it?
It's completely normal even after transitioning if you have some dysphoria remaining it can still be normal every person is different and everyone comfort levels are different. I don't think about being transgender in front of others so often unless i know them but i'd say i still think about it a fairly good amount enough for people to notice.
Self awareness is wisely considered one of the key elements of being human.
That thinking about who I am, where I am, where I am going is constant.
There may be differences in intensity, but the instant I mentally examine
my identity the answer is always the same!
That translates to constantly with a deduction for active thoughts in other
activities.
Growing up, I honestly didn't think about it much at at all. Back then, "trans" wasn't even really a word -- there was just "transsexual" and I didn't identify as such probably because I never saw a positive example... I remember Renee Richards, who looked like a man, and Wendy Carlos Williams, who looked like a man, oh and John Lithgow in Garp, so I never really thought that I was TS because I never wanted to look like a man...
So 99.9% of the time, I didn't think about it, which was lucky, because at least I wasn't actively dysphoric.
Flashforward to my early 30s, and I'm wearing skirts at Pagan events and playing around with a new name, and suddenly someone calls me a cross-dresser, so I look it up and I'm like, no, not really... but then I bumped into references to beard removal and that was very appealing... which led to TSRoadmap and Andrea James's stuff on electrolysis and facial surgery, and I'm all "holy crap, that's me!"
And then I thought about it constantly for over two years, through bottom surgery and dilation and starting to have sex, and then I got into an actual relationship without (ever) disclosing... I still thought about it constantly for another year or two, and then, finally, that background chatter in my head finally stopped. And I rarely thought about it (maybe 5 to 10 days out of a given year) until the past three months or so, when I decided to do some touching up on my body -- get some more hair removed, lose weight, consider hairline revision and maybe a BBL, which got me back on the boards and writing about my experiences. I now I'm thinking about it every day again.
This too shall pass.
When I was in my teens, twenties and thirties, I crossdressed a lot and when I did I felt like some kind of pervert. I thought often that I wish that I been born female. Then, growing urges starting in my forties, fifties, and now sixties have finally gotten me to know that I am a normal healthy transgender person and I think about transitioning almost all the time that I am not heavily occupying my brain on some task. The older I get, the more constantly I think about it.
I hope to start HRT soon, and eventually fully transition.
I hope to no longer think about it post transition.
I hope to just feel like any other woman.
Lately it is been pretty much constant. Am not transitioning but trying to figure out where I am on the spectrum. I am always thinking about that I am really a woman and no one knows but me.
Quote from: SarahVA on January 15, 2017, 12:59:38 PM
Lately it is been pretty much constant. Am not transitioning but trying to figure out where I am on the spectrum. I am always thinking about that I am really a woman and no one knows but me.
That is quite a heavy burden for anyone to carry. I am glad you can at least share that with us here.
What Sephirah and nearly everyone here has said is how I feel. It's always there. It's pretty obsessive and feels pathetic to me (not that I feel that way about other trans people). I can't wait until I can begin transitioning, as I feel that then, the constant thoughts will be more positive than negative.
As many have said, growing up as a teen in the late 70's and early 80's there were no great examples of successful transitions and no way to get the stories when others had the same feelings.
I didn't really accept myself as trans until six years ago, and even then had never dressed as a woman, though my desire to do so was constant in my 20's and 30's. A marriage, two kids and my career took most of my thoughts, although my GD was there. After a divorce and getting custody, I had years where it was really less of a priority.
Now in my early fifties, remarried and more kids I've and because of my business I have more time to myself. And it's occupied my daily thoughts for the past five years. Since living as a woman is not possible, I probably think about it because I want to do something about it and can only go so far. My wife found out three years ago, didn't accept it so I assured her it was no big deal. I have a therapist, and that's an outlet for me.
So much support here, and so many different stories and stages of transition and life, I'm very grateful for your insights. I am doing some things like slimming down, and I actually had a full makeover a few months ago so I met "her". I'm really not 100% sure where my final destination will be, at this point I'm like everybody else.
Day to day.
I think about it quite a bit, but I can break it down into categories for type of thought:
Questioning if I am trans; Not at all.
Questioning if I really want to transition; Seldom, mostly when I'm feeling lazy or need a nap.
Thinking about how my outlook may change due to HRT; Seldom, not really a big worry, maybe it should be?
Thinking of how to come out; Often, probably not often enough.
Thinking of topics to research on the subject; Quite often, I'm still relatively new so that's expected.
Daydreaming about hair, makeup and fashion; Seldom, I don't know if I would qualify this as thinking about being trans.
Thinking of the Socio-Economic and Evolutionary-Biological Aspects of ->-bleeped-<- (wouldn't that be a neat doctoral thesis title); More often than one would expect. Again, I don't know if I would qualify this as thinking about being trans.
I'd say 75% of the time I'm thinking of or working on some topic at least related to it.
I think about it A LOT. I'm just starting to go out as Victoria, but am pre-HRT, so I think about everything that's coming. I'm consumed at times, ordering shapewear, learning makeup techniques, thinking about introducing myself to someone as Victoria...there's so much good coming, that I get so carried away and forget to be in this moment.
This moment is beautiful, because I'm another day closer to being fully me. This moment is purposed, because I'm putting the work in to be genuine and whole. This moment is hopeful, because regardless of the flaws I see, I also finally see a beautiful girl with a beaming smile, ready and waiting for the day she will never walk out of her house as her former male self.
Practically every waking moment. It's really killing my sleep pattern and starting to reduce my college attendance and output. :( It's just about crossing the finish line at this point.
Some days, I think about being trans more than others. Some days, I don't think about it at all. Some days, I wonder how my life would have been had I just been born a woman. Some days, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Some days, I worry about family acceptance. Some days, I just enjoy the feeling.
So for me, even as early on as I am, it varies depending on mood, and what is going on that day. I don't let it consume me in the way avoiding the feelings did. I just am.
I don't believe that I ever think about it in quite that way, more as a general wrongness about my physical self. I look wrong to myself, like a "fun house" mirror reflection. I don't tend to talk to people about how I feel or how I view myself though, for various reasons.
I think Sephirah's toothache analogy is fairly spot on, it's constantly in the background until BAM!
Quote from: ds1987 on January 15, 2017, 10:44:53 PM
I think about it A LOT. I'm just starting to go out as Victoria, but am pre-HRT, so I think about everything that's coming. I'm consumed at times, ordering shapewear, learning makeup techniques, thinking about introducing myself to someone as Victoria...there's so much good coming, that I get so carried away and forget to be in this moment.
This moment is beautiful, because I'm another day closer to being fully me. This moment is purposed, because I'm putting the work in to be genuine and whole. This moment is hopeful, because regardless of the flaws I see, I also finally see a beautiful girl with a beaming smile, ready and waiting for the day she will never walk out of her house as her former male self.
ds1987,
You are a sweet and wonderful woman. You express yourself so poetically. You are a beautiful person. I identify so much with your sentiments.
I now feel frumpy and ugly any time I am in male mode. I may or may not "pass" as female, but I sure do feel happy on the inside and I show my happiness with smiles whenever I go out as Donna.
Please continue contributing to this forum.
You are wonderful, ds1987s.
Donna
Hi all,
Just adding in my little 2 cents worth.
For me, I think about it everyday. It's generally the first thing I think of when I get up, and the last thing before bed, plus pretty much constantly throughout the day.
I agree, like Sephirah said, that it is just like a toothache. For me, most days the wondering, confusion, doubts and emotions are crippling. On the one hand, I enjoy daydreaming about changing my life and becoming the girl, on the outside, that I feel on the inside. But on the other hand, like JMJW, I can't focus on anything else! I'm struggling to keep up with and get motivated to do my university work (exams a couple of weeks away :-\), I get nothing done all day and feel like the days are wasted.
For me, dysphoria comes in disliking my prominent masculine features, but not in a crippling way. I don't like it, I want it to change, but I can live (unhappily) with it.
The confusion and doubts are the most crippling part of questioning my gender identity. I spend more time being envious of pretty girls in the street and comparing how I look compared to them, watching transition timelines and reading trans related news and articles, just still can't fully accept, nor trust, that I am trans. Go figure? I read somewhere that it can boil down to the fact that, yes it is a choice to consciously transition, and it is a big choice at that. But, the reality is, it's not always a choice, but something we have to do.
You're not the only one that thinks about it all the time. I'm like that, too.
Love,
Karlee. x
100% of the time since 28th of August 2016, before then occasionally, to explain my cross-dressing and fantasies of being a woman. It is now getting to the point that it is interfering with the things that should be taking up my concentration.
Even though I'm 4 years, 1 month into hrt, hmmm, probably like 50% of the time, when I see my age and younger cis women, just living it up, I'm jealous. I just don't push myself to transition at this time, just wrong place and wrong time, meaning wrong job and wrong home setting, but I'm doing what I can for the moment.
I think about it constantly. It is a consistent buzz in the back of my mind. For a long time, I was able to ignore it and live my lIfe in the male body that I was born with. Lately, though, it has started to get louder and intrude on my thoughts more often. Now, if I even take a moment away from what I am doing, she screams out for my attention. The buzz gets louder each day.