So, I've posted here but it's been a few months. I'm drawn back because I need community, but also advice. Here goes..
I've always felt broken, disconnected. Since a teenager (I'm almost 30 now), I've carried a very strong self loathing that has not been given to me from outside of myself. I grew up in a christian home, but never had any sense of anti queer, and it never really came up in church. I was never abused, I didn't experience trauma, and I have not given in to substance use as a means to cope. But still, I carry this rock. It comes in different forms, like when I'd do worse on a college essay and feel like a total failure. Or looking in the mirror after Thanksgiving dinner and wishing I hadn't picked up a fork. Little things that call up this terrible overwhelming sense of contempt.
In July, I started the process of acknowledging a difference of identity that I hadn't been able to accept before. I started wearing makeup, and got a new job where I could be as nongender or bigender or whatever I wanted to be on any given day. Now, I often wear heels with a full face of makeup and a combo of men's and women's clothes (though never as a full woman), and I feel wonderful doing so. I've gone out a couple of times as (haven't chosen a female name yet), and been welcomed by friends and people I meet out. In other words, I've been getting to know my female side, and I want more every time. It isn't enough to put on makeup, or to take selfies at home with a dress and a wig.
I have an appointment with my PCP in a couple weeks, to go over a consent form for HRT. I'm still on the waitlist for counseling (maybe another 3-4 weeks), but I really want to start taking Spiro. There are times I feel so sure that I am a woman, that I am supposed to start this journey, but then other times I have so much doubt and I freeze. I know that this takes years, and that going through therapy will let me get all of my thoughts out so I can sort through them. But should I wait to start any meds, even those that can be reversed if need be, before being absolutely sure? Should I come out at work (I'm out to managers, just not publicly yet), and practice by embodying a woman before doing anything medically?
I don't want to start estrogen yet anyway, as I'd like to give myself a chance to slowly prepare for that with the Spiro. I'm very impatient, and I also have been looking for my truth for over a decade, yet I know this needs to be a progression that isn't rushed in the slightest. Is there a moment when you were absolutely sure? A point that you knew there was no doubt whatsoever? Or is the doubt a normal part of affirmation and progression..and faith?
Doubt is there for any adult on this journey. Doubt is, IMHO, our self preservation kicking in.
For me the doubt went away when I realized, after stopping HRT and have a total mental explosion, this is not a choice. Then when I got back on the transition express train and the hormones started to do their business I started to totally accept transitioning and I'm excited about it.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still scared as all get out but the doubt had almost totally gone away.
One thing that helped was understanding a few things:
1. This is for me, not anyone else
2. Only my wife is affected by this (other than me)
3. People typically don't care and if they do almost all are on my side. Those that aren't, aren't worth my energy.
4. I am a transgender person and the "cure is to transition.
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You want to start Spiro? Prepare to Pee. I've been on it for 25 years for congestive heart failure. It pretty much ended my sex life, as it should. The Spiro started my breast development with the equivalent of Man Boobs. Since starting estradiol my breasts have grown, gotten rounder, nipples firm and feeling much more intense.
ds,
Doubt is insidious. You can come from a completely wonderful home, but the disease of anti-trans is ubiquitous in our society. No one is safe from it, and it's method can be akin to that of stinging nettles; you could have brushed up against the culprit and never have known, until you start itching later.
I feel doubt itself is a bad thing. I have it sometimes, I used to have it much more. I do know it comes from an external source, like thousands of little shocks delivered over years, or a big jolt all at once when young.
Caution and patience are good things, they are a natural part of us and exist for our own personal safety.
How do you know for sure? It sounds like you are informed about the societal and physical risks involved; If doubt were not an issue, would you go ahead without hesitation?
How did I know for sure? The evidence was abundant, and I just accepted it.
As far as faith, not my area, but most likely wouldn't hurt to have a bit.
(edited for wording)
Quote from: DawnOday on January 11, 2017, 11:11:34 AM
You want to start Spiro? Prepare to Pee.
Oh my, I already pee SO MUCH. I have been reading that that aspect is, er, enhanced with the Spiro.
Quote from: DawnOday on January 11, 2017, 11:11:34 AM
The Spiro started my breast development with the equivalent of Man Boobs. Since starting estradiol my breasts have grown, gotten rounder, nipples firm and feeling much more intense.
I'm currently in a mammary phase, with both B and C cup rice sacks to practice looks. I love the way the B's look in a dress, and once I've hit my threshold on here, I'll post some photos. I'm not even at a point that I can say I absolutely want boobs for boobs' sake, but am enjoying the idea of them. I have a good chest, but have lost some muscle from inactivity, so I can push em together, and THAT is also fun to see. Hehe, I'm certainly enjoying the discoveries.