Good morning guys and dolls.
Hardly anyone ever comments in the News section, so:
From an article I posted, 'The Gender Conundrum':
QuoteIf a child doesn't identify with his or her biological sex, the onset of puberty, says Laura Amato, a youth-suicide counselor who runs an online transgender support group, can make that child feel like "part of a real life horror story... because the wrong parts are changing."
Do you feel your puberty was 'part of a real life horror story?'
We're talking about the physical aspects only, not social aspects or anything else. Just the body going through pubertal changes.
There are no right or wrong answers, everybody is different.
Was puberty a real life horror film?
Yeah, a bit like the wolfman, but in slowmotion and you couldn't trust your voice to obey you and i had always been in control of my voice.
Yes! It completely sucked, to put it mildly.
Z
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 09:08:17 AM
We're talking about the physical aspects only, not social aspects or anything else. Just the body going through pubertal changes.
There are no right or wrong answers, everybody is different.
Was puberty a real life horror film?
Physical aspects only? No, it wasn't so bad. Not much really changed for me aside from eventually sprouting sparse facial hair. And at the time, I was terribly afraid that if I *didn't* develop, people would figure out my secret. So in a weird way, it was almost a relief to have SOMETHING masculine about me. After all, I was never going to actually BE a girl, right? God forbid anyone should figure out my terribly embarassing, deviant and "wrong" secret.
But I never got the muscles, chest hair, or any of the other manly stuff. The voice dropped, I grew a sorry excuse for facial hair... and that's about it. So it wasn't all THAT traumatic.
~Kate~
I think I got off very lighly........I didn't get the voice breaking or visable signs of an adams apple and I hardly had any body hair apart from a little bit on my legs......
But I did get spots as a teenager which were horrible....
For me, aging was more horrific than puberty. That was when I started looking female. I remained androgynous/masculine looking through puberty.
Dennis
Yes, a total horror story. I got hair all over which helped me pass as a boy, though it disgusted and appalled me, but I also had gynecomastia, which severely weirded me out, and made me feel even more of a freak than I already did. Bad scene.
Oh I forgot one thing...
The genitals waking up was NOT fun. I really didn't understand sex at all, but it was SO annoying and embarassing to have it get aroused. Not to the point of wanting to self-mutilate or anything, but it was still humiliating... dirty... ewwww...
Especially because it seemed to have a mind of it's own. I had no control over it, and there wasn't much rhyme or reason to when it happened. It wasn't "me," it was just this thing stuck there like a parasite, feeding off me for it's own agenda.
~Kate~
The worst thing for me was suddenly finding big black hairs sprouting out all over my body. I hated them and tried everything to get rid of them but they just kept growing back with a vengeance.
Another thing that upset me was my voice breaking. It meant I had to give up the hard earned position of lead soprano in the cathedral choir. I was heartbroken and never sang again.
Bobbie
Quote from: Tara on November 09, 2007, 11:37:24 AM
Yes, a total horror story. I got hair all over which helped me pass as a boy, though it disgusted and appalled me, but I also had gynecomastia, which severely weirded me out, and made me feel even more of a freak than I already did. Bad scene.
Same here.
Quote from: Kate on November 09, 2007, 11:50:03 AM
Oh I forgot one thing...
The genitals waking up was NOT fun. I really didn't understand sex at all, but it was SO annoying and embarassing to have it get aroused. Not to the point of wanting to self-mutilate or anything, but it was still humiliating... dirty... ewwww...
Especially because it seemed to have a mind of it's own. I had no control over it, and there wasn't much rhyme or reason to when it happened. It wasn't "me," it was just this thing stuck there like a parasite, feeding off me for it's own agenda.
~Kate~
Yeah that's one of the big things that I hated with a passion as well. I was a very late bloomer anyways and I don't think I ever finished puberty because I never got around to growing facial hair that could actually turn into something like a beard or anything. Either way though, I didn't enjoy puberty that much. I didn't really understand why at the time, but it just made the whole disgust level increase a little bit within myself.
Quote from: Dennis on November 09, 2007, 11:30:41 AM
For me, aging was more horrific than puberty. That was when I started looking female.
How? I always thought natal males continued to masculinize, and natal females were done feminizing once they reached adulthood. I thought natal females started looking less feminine as they got older.
Quote from: Dennis on November 09, 2007, 11:30:41 AMI remained androgynous/masculine looking through puberty.
Dennis
You're lucky. I turned into a pretty girl. :icon_blah: I didn't allow myself to be photographed from age 11 on. Still don't. I didn't even recognize this 'girl' staring me in the mirror.
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 12:58:33 PM
Quote from: Dennis on November 09, 2007, 11:30:41 AM
For me, aging was more horrific than puberty. That was when I started looking female.
How? I always thought natal males continued to masculinize, and natal females were done feminizing once they reached adulthood. I thought natal females started looking less feminine as they got older.
I've always been under the impression that there was a convergence between the genders. Imagine two arcs if you will. Children of either gender are relatively androgenous, as time passes and puberty hits, boys look more like men and girls look more like women. The short answer is boys and girls look less like eachother. This continues for a fineite time until the mid point of the arc is reached (don't ask me what age that is) and the two genders start to look more and more like eachother as they continue to age, or as least less and less dissimilar.
Quote from: Enigma on November 09, 2007, 01:04:49 PM
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 12:58:33 PM
Quote from: Dennis on November 09, 2007, 11:30:41 AM
For me, aging was more horrific than puberty. That was when I started looking female.
How? I always thought natal males continued to masculinize, and natal females were done feminizing once they reached adulthood. I thought natal females started looking less feminine as they got older.
I've always been under the impression that there was a convergence between the genders. Imagine two arcs if you will. Children of either gender are relatively androgenous, as time passes and puberty hits, boys look more like men and girls look more like women. The short answer is boys and girls look less like eachother. This continues for a fineite time until the mid point of the arc is reached (don't ask me what age that is) and the two genders start to look more and more like eachother as they continue to age, or as least less and less dissimilar.
Yeah, I know males get more masculine as they get older, but I didn't know females did.
No, I don't think it was that bad. I didn't like that I couldn't have breasts and when my mom took my sister out to show her the menstrural cycle things in the store, you know pads and things. I was very jealous of that fact and that I would never ever be able to have a baby. I was not hairy as an adult, I really didn't start shaving everyday until I was 35 and then it was very light. I didn't have much hair on my body so I felt ok with that. The only thing that was very upsetting to me was that I could build muscle. I was always very strong and my muscles were bigger than average. I didn't have to work at it very hard to build them. I don't like that and have always, except when I was upset with my body, hated my body. I guess that is why I would eat and eat. I have always been big.
Sheila
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 01:40:28 PM
Yeah, I know males get more masculine as they get older, but I didn't know females did.
Is it that men and women masculinize or is it that the aging process is the anthesis of youth and beauty which are often regarded as feminine traits.
Quote from: Enigma on November 09, 2007, 01:43:44 PM
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 01:40:28 PM
Yeah, I know males get more masculine as they get older, but I didn't know females did.
Is it that men and women masculinize or is it that the aging process is the anthesis of youth and beauty which are often regarded as feminine traits.
Oh, I didn't word that right. I meant to say I didn't know natal females continued to feminize as they got older.
Posted on: November 09, 2007, 03:45:50 PM
Quote from: Sheila on November 09, 2007, 01:42:11 PM
No, I don't think it was that bad. I didn't like that I couldn't have breasts and when my mom took my sister out to show her the menstrural cycle things in the store, you know pads and things. I was very jealous of that fact and that I would never ever be able to have a baby. I was not hairy as an adult, I really didn't start shaving everyday until I was 35 and then it was very light. I didn't have much hair on my body so I felt ok with that. The only thing that was very upsetting to me was that I could build muscle. I was always very strong and my muscles were bigger than average. I didn't have to work at it very hard to build them. I don't like that and have always, except when I was upset with my body, hated my body. I guess that is why I would eat and eat. I have always been big.
Sheila
That's really interesting. So, girls actually regret not getting a period?
my puberty = one of the greatest nightmares of all times. the cruel thing was that i wasn't dreaming :(
Quote from: Tink on May 22, 2007, 08:58:41 PM
Puberty was the most repugnant and traumatizing experience that you can ever think of. Just imagine a girl, liking boys, wishing to have breasts, soft skin, etc... suddenly growing the wrong parts, developing a deep voice, facial hair... :'( ...it is one of those chapters of my life which I have buried deep in my subconscious mind. I wish no one had to go through all that misery.
tink :icon_chick:
tink :icon_chick:
QuoteI thought natal females started looking less feminine as they got older.
That varies by person. I am 69 and still looking pretty feminine. I just saw John McCain and his mother, who at 95, is not yet looking too masculine.
As to the original question. I doubt you meant it for GGs but I am going answer anyway. Yes, it was a nightmare physically. I was a little tomboy as a child and I remember vividly when I was about 12 the boys muscle strength suddenly outpaced mine by a wide margin. I used to win all the races, etc. and all of a sudden I couldn't do it. And my mother started telling me I couldn't sit on fences because I was 'a little lady now' and I started bleeding. It was horrible. Especially not having the muscle strength to fight anymore. I haven't yet fit the 'little lady' title.
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 12:58:33 PM
How? I always thought natal males continued to masculinize, and natal females were done feminizing once they reached adulthood. I thought natal females started looking less feminine as they got older.
I think it depends on your body-type. Most females, as they age, have a harder time keeping weight off. More fat makes you look softer and more feminine. And for many of us, it goes on the hips.
When I hit puberty, I gained a lot of weight very suddenly. I went from being a stocky muscular kid to being curvy, bit booty, big breasts. I had a really womanly shape from when I was about 14 to about 17. I hated it. It was horrifying. The last years of my teens I took it off. I got skinny and my muscles became more visible and my breasts shrank. I looked a lot more masculine and felt a lot better.
Right now, I'm wanting to get chest surgery and am not sure about T. But if I got curvy again, or dumpy and matronly-looking, I would be completely 'round the twist screaming.
Quote from: Doc on November 09, 2007, 07:54:02 PM
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 12:58:33 PM
How? I always thought natal males continued to masculinize, and natal females were done feminizing once they reached adulthood. I thought natal females started looking less feminine as they got older.
I think it depends on your body-type. Most females, as they age, have a harder time keeping weight off. More fat makes you look softer and more feminine. And for many of us, it goes on the hips.
When I hit puberty, I gained a lot of weight very suddenly. I went from being a stocky muscular kid to being curvy, bit booty, big breasts. I had a really womanly shape from when I was about 14 to about 17. I hated it. It was horrifying. The last years of my teens I took it off. I got skinny and my muscles became more visible and my breasts shrank. I looked a lot more masculine and felt a lot better.
Right now, I'm wanting to get chest surgery and am not sure about T. But if I got curvy again, or dumpy and matronly-looking, I would be completely 'round the twist screaming.
I'm the opposite. I got painfully thin during puberty which made the breast buds stick out. It was terribly obvious. I wish I looked masculine skinny. Instead I'm (gasp) pretty when I'm skinny. Since my weight gain, I look a lot more masculine. I'm pretty solid for my weight.
I have to lose it though, I'm already in ill health. Then I'll look all femmy again.
Yeah. If weight on me was stacked more evenly, making me a solid brick-like chunk, it wouldn't be so bad. But having it give me the big round butt and the big round breasts is intolerable. It scares the heck out of me to think this might happen again.
A horrid joke. It still is in some ways but I will fix it sooner or later.
Quote from: Doc on November 09, 2007, 08:24:09 PM
Yeah. If weight on me was stacked more evenly, making me a solid brick-like chunk, it wouldn't be so bad. But having it give me the big round butt and the big round breasts is intolerable. It scares the heck out of me to think this might happen again.
Oh my tits are like something out of a playboy nightmare. 2 ridiculously spherical things sprouting from my chest. But they're like that even when my flesh is hanging from my bones. They stay the same no matter what I do. I'm so incongruent. I look like an exaggerated gender mix. My body's a solid brick like chunk like you said, lol. with tree trunk muscular legs. I build muscle easily. Found that out in high school weight training. But, it's really not my thing. Then add tits from a random playmate, high cheekbones, upturned eyes, curly blond hair, and you've got something Frankenstein's creator couldn't come up with. And people wonder why I never show my face around here.
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 09:08:17 AM
Good morning guys and dolls.
Hardly anyone ever comments in the News section, so:
From an article I posted, 'The Gender Conundrum':
QuoteIf a child doesn't identify with his or her biological sex, the onset of puberty, says Laura Amato, a youth-suicide counselor who runs an online transgender support group, can make that child feel like "part of a real life horror story... because the wrong parts are changing."
Do you feel your puberty was 'part of a real life horror story?'
We're talking about the physical aspects only, not social aspects or anything else. Just the body going through pubertal changes.
There are no right or wrong answers, everybody is different.
Was puberty a real life horror film?
No. I never felt that I was part of a real life horror story. I felt despair for the things that I wanted so much to be but knew I never could.
Shortly after I turned 13 I understood that there was no way that my prayer to become a girl as I slept would be granted. I began to worship girls because they were all that I wasn't.
Wing Walker
Yes, it was a terrible nightmare. I can't even bear to think about it as I read this thread. So much of my life has been destroyed by this thing. Sometimes I am so jealous of anyone who has been able to have just a normal life without having to deal with the curse.
I can't even write about this anymore... it makes me terribly depressed.
Cindi
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 10:38:07 PM
Quote from: Doc on November 09, 2007, 08:24:09 PM
Yeah. If weight on me was stacked more evenly, making me a solid brick-like chunk, it wouldn't be so bad. But having it give me the big round butt and the big round breasts is intolerable. It scares the heck out of me to think this might happen again.
Oh my tits are like something out of a playboy nightmare. 2 ridiculously spherical things sprouting from my chest. But they're like that even when my flesh is hanging from my bones. They stay the same no matter what I do. I'm so incongruent. I look like an exaggerated gender mix. My body's a solid brick like chunk like you said, lol. with tree trunk muscular legs. I build muscle easily. Found that out in high school weight training. But, it's really not my thing. Then add tits from a random playmate, high cheekbones, upturned eyes, curly blond hair, and you've got something Frankenstein's creator couldn't come up with. And people wonder why I never show my face around here.
Dang, Nero, you're rough on yourself!
I stand 6 feet tall, weigh in at (mumble) and I have 46C breasts, one larger than the other, a waist that is hiding under something, a sizeable bum (I don't mind that too much), full, heavy thighs (don't mind those, either), whatever hair I still have at 56 years old, and you have already seen my ***best*** pic.
Anyone who doesn't like how I look can take a long walk off a short pier. Among other things.
Wing Walker
Flying High No Matter The Weather
Hi
During my puberty I felt many things changing physically except my weight and height. I was supposed to be a man, but I never made it past 5' 3" and 120 lbs. I fantasized being a girl but didn't know that what this desire was anymore then just a fantasy let alone could it could it even be accomplished? I just let this dream drop because I knew it could never be anymore then just a fantasy.
I never had any urge to have sex with neither girls or boys although I felt more comfortable being around girls than being with the guys. On the other hand when I was in my twenties I felt that I had to be part of the boys. Prove to the boys I was just as much a man as they were. Boy did I get a lot of attention performing some really crazy stunts that could have cost my life. I had a death wish anyway so it didn't bother me as to what could be the consequences. I didn't really care about my personal safety but I certainly did not want anyone to get hurt while I did my performances.
Well my life must of been charmed that I survived during those years of alcohol and bravado. I was soon back to fantasizing being a girl, a much safer pursuit in life. And that's about it for my puberty years.
Cindy
Quote from: Wing Walker on November 10, 2007, 04:49:40 AM
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 10:38:07 PM
Quote from: Doc on November 09, 2007, 08:24:09 PM
Yeah. If weight on me was stacked more evenly, making me a solid brick-like chunk, it wouldn't be so bad. But having it give me the big round butt and the big round breasts is intolerable. It scares the heck out of me to think this might happen again.
Oh my tits are like something out of a playboy nightmare. 2 ridiculously spherical things sprouting from my chest. But they're like that even when my flesh is hanging from my bones. They stay the same no matter what I do. I'm so incongruent. I look like an exaggerated gender mix. My body's a solid brick like chunk like you said, lol. with tree trunk muscular legs. I build muscle easily. Found that out in high school weight training. But, it's really not my thing. Then add tits from a random playmate, high cheekbones, upturned eyes, curly blond hair, and you've got something Frankenstein's creator couldn't come up with. And people wonder why I never show my face around here.
Dang, Nero, you're rough on yourself!
I stand 6 feet tall, weigh in at (mumble) and I have 46C breasts, one larger than the other, a waist that is hiding under something, a sizeable bum (I don't mind that too much), full, heavy thighs (don't mind those, either), whatever hair I still have at 56 years old, and you have already seen my ***best*** pic.
Anyone who doesn't like how I look can take a long walk off a short pier. Among other things.
Wing Walker
Flying High No Matter The Weather
Nero,
Here's a pic that I don't consider my best but what I see is what the world gets.
Wing Walker
Opening On Guts, As Usual
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2FPaula2005.jpg&hash=92d895a90294b3d49b23bdc13850a393c162d552)
Quote from: Wing Walker on November 10, 2007, 04:49:40 AM
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 10:38:07 PM
Quote from: Doc on November 09, 2007, 08:24:09 PM
Yeah. If weight on me was stacked more evenly, making me a solid brick-like chunk, it wouldn't be so bad. But having it give me the big round butt and the big round breasts is intolerable. It scares the heck out of me to think this might happen again.
Oh my tits are like something out of a playboy nightmare. 2 ridiculously spherical things sprouting from my chest. But they're like that even when my flesh is hanging from my bones. They stay the same no matter what I do. I'm so incongruent. I look like an exaggerated gender mix. My body's a solid brick like chunk like you said, lol. with tree trunk muscular legs. I build muscle easily. Found that out in high school weight training. But, it's really not my thing. Then add tits from a random playmate, high cheekbones, upturned eyes, curly blond hair, and you've got something Frankenstein's creator couldn't come up with. And people wonder why I never show my face around here.
Dang, Nero, you're rough on yourself!
I stand 6 feet tall, weigh in at (mumble) and I have 46C breasts, one larger than the other, a waist that is hiding under something, a sizeable bum (I don't mind that too much), full, heavy thighs (don't mind those, either), whatever hair I still have at 56 years old, and you have already seen my ***best*** pic.
Anyone who doesn't like how I look can take a long walk off a short pier. Among other things.
Wing Walker
Flying High No Matter The Weather
Oh, I go back and forth between loving my body and loathing it. There's nothing I can do to change it at the moment, so sometimes it really gets to me.
Thing is, I'm kind of doubtful I'll ever have a male appearing face even after years of HRT. I'd probably need a full beard to pass.
And I've always gotten mixed comments about my body -that I had good face and tits, but the rest of me looked manly. And I didn't really know which was the insult. Now that I'm in ill health, my face looks awful and more femmy, cause now it's all puffy. I never come within less than 100 yards of a mirror these days, and I used to be extremely vain. I shower in my clothes. Yeah, not doing so well with the dysphoria thing these days. Whew, that feels better to actually acknowledge all that. Hey, if you girls can actually talk about this kind of thing - some of the most painful aspects of being trans, I guess I can too. It feels so much better to actually admit it, rather than keep pretending to myself I shower in my underwear for convenience purposes.
It's was horrible!! Nasty dark hair all over that I STILL hate to try and control! This gross adams apple on my neck..Hair on my neck as well...My voice isn't all THAT deep, and my body type is very small. Like 125 pounds, and I have trouble gaining weight if I even try. Let alone muscle. So for that I'm thankful, I just wish I could wake up one day and have ALL this nasty hair GONE!! OOoooh that would be the day :) (hey, a girl can dream can't she) hehe..
Quote from: Kate on November 09, 2007, 09:50:45 AM
And at the time, I was terribly afraid that if I *didn't* develop, people would figure out my secret. So in a weird way, it was almost a relief to have SOMETHING masculine about me. After all, I was never going to actually BE a girl, right? God forbid anyone should figure out my terribly embarassing, deviant and "wrong" secret.
Now, how did you manage to steal my puberty? :) That's just about how it was for me, too.
There was no way the gender thing was going to change, so the most notable aspect of puberty was the process of slowly becoming an adult, regardless of gender. The growth spurt, voice changes and hair were in one sense incidental, in another useful camouflage.
But the effects of my hormonal balance going off were weird. It wasn't just the little fellow getting big ideas on his own, but also my real brain started acting up in a pubescent-boy manner. That was scary (although also funny at times), especially as I realised what was going on at the time.
So no, it wasn't a nightmare. I have no wish whatsoever to go back, though.
Nfr
Quote from: Nero on November 10, 2007, 08:22:37 AM
Quote from: Wing Walker on November 10, 2007, 04:49:40 AM
Quote from: Nero on November 09, 2007, 10:38:07 PM
Quote from: Doc on November 09, 2007, 08:24:09 PM
Yeah. If weight on me was stacked more evenly, making me a solid brick-like chunk, it wouldn't be so bad. But having it give me the big round butt and the big round breasts is intolerable. It scares the heck out of me to think this might happen again.
Oh my tits are like something out of a playboy nightmare. 2 ridiculously spherical things sprouting from my chest. But they're like that even when my flesh is hanging from my bones. They stay the same no matter what I do. I'm so incongruent. I look like an exaggerated gender mix. My body's a solid brick like chunk like you said, lol. with tree trunk muscular legs. I build muscle easily. Found that out in high school weight training. But, it's really not my thing. Then add tits from a random playmate, high cheekbones, upturned eyes, curly blond hair, and you've got something Frankenstein's creator couldn't come up with. And people wonder why I never show my face around here.
Dang, Nero, you're rough on yourself!
I stand 6 feet tall, weigh in at (mumble) and I have 46C breasts, one larger than the other, a waist that is hiding under something, a sizeable bum (I don't mind that too much), full, heavy thighs (don't mind those, either), whatever hair I still have at 56 years old, and you have already seen my ***best*** pic.
Anyone who doesn't like how I look can take a long walk off a short pier. Among other things.
Wing Walker
Flying High No Matter The Weather
Oh, I go back and forth between loving my body and loathing it. There's nothing I can do to change it at the moment, so sometimes it really gets to me.
Thing is, I'm kind of doubtful I'll ever have a male appearing face even after years of HRT. I'd probably need a full beard to pass.
And I've always gotten mixed comments about my body -that I had good face and tits, but the rest of me looked manly. And I didn't really know which was the insult. Now that I'm in ill health, my face looks awful and more femmy, cause now it's all puffy. I never come within less than 100 yards of a mirror these days, and I used to be extremely vain. I shower in my clothes. Yeah, not doing so well with the dysphoria thing these days. Whew, that feels better to actually acknowledge all that. Hey, if you girls can actually talk about this kind of thing - some of the most painful aspects of being trans, I guess I can too. It feels so much better to actually admit it, rather than keep pretending to myself I shower in my underwear for convenience purposes.
Hi, Nero,
You're in the right place to share pain. All who are gender dysphoric, right inner person/wrong outer container, have their pain, hurt, disappointment, misery, and all of those wonderfully negative emotions that seem to accompany the fun of not fitting-in. Illness surely doesn't help. Pain kept inside hurts worse than that which has been let out.
When I lived in another city I belonged to a TS support group. The majority of transsexual persons that I have met have been M to F, however, I have met several F to M and they got very credible results. Some took on "guy stuff" like foul language, others rode motorcycles, every one expressing maleness in their own way. Some also found M to F partners. You might be surprised at what testosterone can do to chisel facial features.
Instead of getting emotionally "whip sawed" between loving and loathing your body, perhaps you can make a temporary "peace" with it and let it be as it is until you can start making moves toward being the man you need to be.
May I suggest that you continue to relieve the pain by letting it out as you see fit?
And may you have the healing that you need, both inside and out.
Hugs,
Wing Walker
Hi Seshatneferw
You are lucky you have the advantage of being small which will greatly helped you to pass at all. as for facial hair you can get as a prescription that retards the growth of facial hair in women, Vaniqa. (If you are on estrogen) then the reaction is the same. It works really well for me I could go three days without shaving and when it does grow out it is much lighter then it use to be.
Body hair can also be eliminated by simply buying an epilator that plucks the hair out instead of cutting it off. A lot of the body hair growth slows way down after while. your skin will feel irritated for a while, but when the return of hair begins to slow down it is so way worth it.
As for gaining weight and having it distributed in the right places try some protein supplement, (N-Large). Cheapest is to get it in powder form and mix with milk. I was anorexic when I started taking it 7 years ago, 85lbs and I am now back to my normal weight of 125 lbs. Face is also filed out and it much softer skin in texture.
Cindy
I don't talk about my puberty often, it was pretty bad. Although some things didn't happen (my voice didn't drop and I didn't get an adams apple, etc), other things happened and it drove me insane.
I was around 12-13 when I started cutting myself. I hated my body. I refused to have any pictures of myself around, because the boy wasn't me. I even went as far as cutting my genitals. This happened for years and years... 16 years, actually. I'm doing much better now, but it's hard to break that coping mechanism. I would love to say that I haven't cut myself in a long time, but the truth is that it's been two months, and I cut in the area of my genitals -- not on, because my psych doc was really laying it down that if I do too much damage GRS could be harder (right now, the damage isn't bad, the cuts/scars aren't too bad, so I'm in the okay and clear for that, luckily). Of course, he doesn't want me to do it and I've been working hard for years not too. Over the years, I'm glad to say, that I have pretty much almost stopped. Like, I slip up sometimes, but with years and years of using this to cope with my dysphoria, it's hard to just stop in one day. But I am glad that I've improved a lot.
My body changes with HRT have actually helped me a lot, since I see myself in the mirror and I'm starting to like what I see more and more. It has really helped me psychologically in major ways. I don't even get depressed like I used to.
I had pretty bad bipolar when I was younger, too. My first actual attempt at suicide was when I was 15. It was after the bishop of my church (LDS/Mormon) councelled me that I'm not a woman, that I should be proud to be a man, that god made me a man for a reason and didn't make a mistake. He was determined to help me through my gender issues and the cure for that was to make me more man like.
I then tried to kill myself.
After graduation, the church tried again and my family really pushed me to give being male another shot. They sent me on a mission and while there I went though the program that "cures" gays and trans people. They also had a private doctor perscribe me all kinds of medications. I took 32 pills a day.
My plan after graduation was to vanish, maybe to Vancouver, and start transitioning. Sadly, it didn't turn out that way.
When I came home I was so depressed and confused, that again, I tried killing myself and I died for two minutes in the hospital. I over dosed on drugs, a lot of them. After that I spent about a year in a mental institution. I really didn't work on the trans stuff, and most of the therapy was over my bipolar/depression.
After that, at 23, I wanted to do it again but I had no where to turn and years and years of guilt where on top of me. So, I started and then stopped. I cut myself sometimes two or more times daily -- I felt that I had no options and no where to turn. I grew a goatee and tried at least looking like a guy.
After more years of therapy, I eventually was able to have enough of a self-esteem to stand up a bit and then start making friends. I worked hard at making a social network and getting to know people. I also gathered a ton of information.
In 2006 I started my transition. I'm a very different person now, and a lot more confident. I don't expect that all of my issues are going to vanish over night -- but I have been working hard on them with my doctors (I actually see two psychiatrists, and soon a therapist again).
So yeah, puberty was very difficult. I've been down to my very lowest in life before, in fact, even death for a few minutes -- but now I am here, finally feeling like I'm living and being who I am. That's something very special to me and something that cannot be taken away from me. I fought a lot way to get here, and I'm still fighting. But life now, over all, is happier. I've never been happy in my life until now. I never even understood what happy even meant until now.
--natalie
Posted on: November 10, 2007, 09:00:05 PM
oh, and another reason at 23 I waited, because at that time I had TD (tardive dyskinesia), and from the meds, my liver was to the point of failure. I couldn't take HRT -- hell, I could hardly feel myself, walk out the door, talk, or write on a piece of paper (think Parkensons, which is like TD).
Amazingly enough, my liver regenerated. I went from having blood tested every two weeks to monitor me, to being free and clear. My body was so destroyed. My doctor at the time had to even lay it out that if my body was to continue to fall apart on me, I might have to make end-of-life plans. Yeah, it was that bad.
But, my body healed. My TD pretty much vanished -- although I'm still clumsy and I'm known for spilling drinks on myself all the time, just because my motor reactions are still not 100%. Still the doctor was impressed that over all the TD isn't very apparent and I can actually function normally, because people who are as far as I was, generally don't heal up as well.
So, yeah, I'm pretty lucky. People say I look younger than I actually am. People look at my older pictures and swear I get younger every year I live. I say that I'm reclaiming the years I lost, so that I can live them the right way this time. :)
Hi Natalie my dearest
I am so happy to hear you say you are happy. After all the crap you went through I believe you deserve to be happy. I could identify with some of the stuff you say, like cutting, I thought that if I used an ice pick in the palms of my hands it wouldn't leave any scars, the drinking and the bipolar came close on many occasions to end my life.
Anyway what can I say, I still think your the cutest girl in town ^-^
Cindy
Quote from: cindybc on November 10, 2007, 04:58:05 PM
Hi Seshatneferw
You are lucky you have the advantage of being small which will greatly helped you to pass at all. as for facial hair you can get as a prescription that retards the growth of facial hair in women, Vaniqa.
Um, are you by any chance confusing me with Monica (who posted about something like this just above myself)? Your advice is very nice, it's just not that relevant to me... :)
Nfr
Hi Seshatneferw yes that post was meant for Monica, sorry about the mix up.
Cindy
It was a pity, a great pity. It made me stronger though and gave me the will to move forward without looking back & I have.
Umm...I've hated my body since I was 12, maybe younger.
Yes my puberty was a complete nightmare,suddenly developing a deeper voice,hair and getting those darn erections...aaarrghh!-I had always known that I was female so to have those changes occuring whilst my girlfriends were having other changes was literally hell for me-but hey ho I am having my puberty now!
For me, puberty was pain. I remember having real bad leg pains throughout my whole time growing up. Either waking up during the night or while sitting in class at school, I'd have these real bad cramps that would shoot all the way down the backs of my legs and last for a minute or two. My parents didn't have a clue and no matter how much I'd ask to have it checked out they would never take me to see a doc.
I also started to get GREAT BIG zits on my face and in other not so pleasant places.
A not so physically painful issue but did cause me great strife (and still does) was a serious change in my BO and sweat production. Even to this day I have to change my socks twice to three times a day.
That's not to include the other normal "issues" "guys" have to deal with during puberty.
Yes.
First,
I was sucked back in time by this big vortex.
Then I lost the necronomicon, and Had to Lop my hand off, because it "went bad".
Then I had to fight off some gymnast hag in the bottom of a well,
but I escaped, and told them Primatives to "listen up" and showed them my BOOM STICK!
That's right.
Shop Smart.
Shop 'S'-Mart!
You got THAT!!?
LOL
It pretty much sucked.
Therapists, School faculty, Peers, and even parents participated in the free for all.
Not pretty.
I was around twenty five before I even began to form male features. Zit's I had and didn't like it. Never had a date for fear I would botch it up and get laughed at. I was mostly a loner when ever I had the opportunity to disappear yet I was never alone. I had many imaginary friends to occupy my times. Two things I wasn't, and that was, I wasn't neither bored or lonely.
I didn't start growing a beard until I was 25 which I was quite relieved, because I could go in the bars now without being carded. Also people would stop calling me Miss. I could have passed as female all those years but I didn't know there as such a thing as GID let alone if there was any treatment and if there was, what was it?
Cindy
Yes!It was a nightmare!!! Funny, I used the exact words to describe my puberty to my psychologist..."horror film"
Quote from: cindybc on December 18, 2007, 02:36:35 AM
I was around twenty five before I even began to form male features. Zit's I had and didn't like it. Never had a date for fear I would botch it up and get laughed at. I was mostly a loner when ever I had the opportunity to disappear yet I was never alone. I had many imaginary friends to occupy my times. Two things I wasn't, and that was, I wasn't neither bored or lonely.
I didn't start growing a beard until I was 25 which I was quite relieved, because I could go in the bars now without being carded. Also people would stop calling me Miss. I could have passed as female all those years but I didn't know there as such a thing as GID let alone if there was any treatment and if there was, what was it?
Cindy
25! Lucky girl! Mine came at 11.
Hi Nero I guess I was a bit vague on the puberty part of it. I was 13 if I recall correctly but I didn't really start maturing into any semblance to what was supposed to be my outer physical sex or gender and I was around 25 before my features started changing.
I had a big dream of having a family with lots of kids, well I met this girl that had a a really pretty little girl and next thing I know I am in love with the idea of having a family. Next thing I knew, gullible me, is I find myself standing before a preacher getting married. Never giving it a thought if I even loved the girl I married and it turned out to be a serious error. Well now speaking of going to hell in a basket on greased rails....... I will say no more the later part is another story all together.
Cindy