Hello, my name is Sara and I'm in desperate need of some help or at least an experienced ear to listen to me...
I turned 20 in August of 2016 and shortly after was finally prescribed an anti-androgen and estrogen. I've fought for so long to get to this point but now... I just can't do it. I injected the estrogen one time and took a few doses of the spiro and then I just... quit. I'm ashamed but mostly I feel utterly and hopelessly trapped. I'm terrified at the prospect of relying on medication my entire life. I'm terrified of losing my insurance and being trapped without a gendered body.
Over the past few months I've boarded myself up in the all too familiar prison of delusion I had lived in for so long. I've convinced myself that I can be happy as a male-bodied woman and that I don't need medicine to be myself but everyday those feelings of confusion and hopelessness return at ever-increasing intervals. I feel as though I might be waiting for the inevitable and when I do finally take that leap of faith I will kick myself for waiting too long... Or maybe I will start now and regret it when my whole world falls apart and I can no longer live a healthy life without the assistance of the medical community...
What if my doctor decides I'm too much of a flake and I have to start all over with the long process of proving my identity to those who could never understand?
Nobody, or at least those who I can find through hours of Google searches seems to have quite the same fear of being so reliant on medicine... Is there anybody else? Am I being a coward? How do you cope with the inevitability of having to live the rest of your life within driving distance of a pharmacy... I've always loved nature, I want to live in the woods someday, I want to get away from the city and I want to be the woman I was born to be... Do I have to choose?
I'm so close and obviously still so far...
Oh Sara,
What a post.
Firstly Welcome to Susan's!
Calm down and breathe, there is nothing to worry about! Yes in the early stages you end up taking pills or injections regularly but after a while that cn be stopped and you go on long term medicine.
I'm 'complete' so I don't have to take anti-androgens and my oestrogen is a once a week patch. If I wanted I could have a small implant that last 6 month at a time. It is no hassle!
Many people, millions of people take medication daily for things such as diabetes and heart issues.
It is just routine!
Many of us have fear when we start, that is good and healthy but don't let it consume you.
You are a young woman with a wonderful life ahead of you so cast your fears away and come and join your sisters and brothers on the site.
Do explore the existing posts and feel free to ask questions.
Some of the basic questions about your membership and controlling your own page are answered here....
Do read them!
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
While I'm not afraid of needing E or AAs, I am afraid of being dependent on meds. Specifically I have a drug resistant form of epilepsy. I tend to build up to anti seizure meds quickly, and right now am on a diet that helps control the seizures. This is due to a stroke before I was born. As I had uncontrolled seizures for half my life, I still consider brain surgery to remove the scarred tissue that causes the seizures.
There is a part of me that fears the unknown future. What if there's a disaster and we end up in a post apocalyptic future (and I'm by chance still alive) under a week with no meds I could die.
Alas I have to be logical and look at the risks vs benefits. In the case of E and AAs, if I lost insurance I could still scrape together the money for cash pay (with goodrx.com).
I also have to consider that if I take action now, to be my true self it may just give me the motivation to excel in life and not even have to worry about that money being in the bank.
In the end its stories of past generations saying again and again "I wish I had..." I don't want to have regrets and even if everything goes to hell I can live with it because I tried to live an authentic life, to the best of my ability- for me.
Hang in there, and good luck. It's not easy knowing you will be dependent on something your own body can never produce.
Hugs,
~Brooke~
Most people rely on medications. Personally, I don't even like taking aspirin, so not taking medication is normal for me. But it was driven home to me how unusual this is at my last HRT appointment. The nurse was taking down some of my medical history in the course of which asked what medications I was on. None, I said. What?? None at all? she asked incredulously. Apparently she had never met a patient (of my age anyway) who was not on regular medication.
So I understand the reluctance to take medication.
On the other hand, our bodies have let us down. They developed in a direction that was not aligned with who we were inside. My body should have been producing its own estrogen, but it didn't. Instead, it produces testosterone that makes me someone I don't want to be. So, by taking my medications, I am fixing it. This is how I will become myself.
You know what is best for you. But if you reject the hormones, the dysphoria will not go away. It gets stronger over time. My dysphoria was low-key enough that I was able to put it on the back burner for most of my life. It just got stronger and stronger until, at age 60, I could no longer deny it. You are aware of it at a much younger age than I was, so yours is already pretty strong.
You may end up going on HRT anyway, eventually. The younger you start, the better your results will be.
After suffering through open-heart surgery and cancer, I am taking more pills each day than I can count, many of which, maybe most, that I will need just to stay alive. And now I'm taking E and Spiro too. There's absolutely no shame in relying upon medication for your health, which includes holding (y)our dysphoria in check.
My wife gets all of her medications delivered once a month, so there may be alternatives to living near a pharmacy. There is plenty regarding your situation to be hopeful about. Simply addressing this at your age will allow you to live the vast majority off your life being the person you were destined to be. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back and live through my 20's and 30's as myself, to have transitioned before my body was overtaken by so much maleness.
Everyone has their doubts. This is as good a place to air them out. I try to spell my doubts onto the threads here and then leave them. You certainly don't owe anything to those ideas that hold you back. Take care of your self, and let those medical professionals dedicated to helping you do their jobs. None of us is truly alone or completely self-sufficient. Give yourself a chance.
Erin
First off, count me among those who avoid drugs as much as possible, preferring to stay healthy in the first place. I am somewhat skeptical around Western medicine and have spent decades now practicing the application of ounces of prevention to save pounds of cure. T'ai Chi has done wonders for my physical body and therapy and dealing with old trauma has also made me physically more healthy -- I basically never get sick.
I don't take pain killers. I am glad to use aspirin or ibuprofen as an anti inflammatory. I've used antidepressants as necessary but not to mask my issues and all of my healing has come from therapy and my own work.
My mind is simply happier under the influence of estrogen, I don't view it as a drug, rather it's a natural thing my body can't produce.
Lastly I sincerely doubt your physician will withhold treatment, patients are routinely spotty about how they administer medication, docs are used to that.
Admittedly I am very nervous and fearful of taking med.s as well, but for some reason I was rather happy and excited about starting HRT and could hardly wait to take my first doses
Now it's just part of my daily routine
Yeah, the dependency is not something I'm cool with, not to mention the expense. Having started the hormones I can see now how important the correct levels of hormones are to a well-functioning body (and mind), though.
You don't have to live in a city for it. I live way out, if I had to I guess I could get the stuff delivered unless I planned on inhabiting a tree house. Short of an apocalypse there should be a way to get it to you somehow.
I now take 15 medications a day. You learn to get over it when you consider the consequences of not taking them.
I was hesitant too. But after coming out of a four day coma, I was more than happy to comply.
Taking any medication has risks and benefits. The risks listed as side effects are available online. Injections are scary, if you are not used to giving injections. There are many other ways to take the required hormones. Only you can decide what is right for you.
If transition is the single most important thing in your life, and you are sure that those feelings will not go away, then do not delay. I delayed my transition for 50 years and that is the only thing I regret. I am now recovering from FFS which if I transitioned years ago, I would not need.
It a decision about quality of life, isn't it. Or in some people's cases they are sick because of not being able to transition, or in danger of hurting themselves unless something is done.
Everyone weighs up the costs and benefits for them.
I would prefer better quality of life over an extended life that was dangerous, unhealthy or just endlessly sad. I've done 3 decades of living without transitioning or hormones and it was found to feel like less than a full life. I may have been fairly healthy without much in the way of dependence on meds but that doesn't matter because I was suffering in other ways. Quite badly it turned out.
Our quality of life as a society these days is down to our dependence to some degree on medical technology. If they quit using any of that tomorrow, life expectancy and recovery from diseases would tank. I guess we like to think we can live without technology, but these days I think it's something of an illusion that we possibly could maintain current lifestyle and population without it. Some people do prefer not to use medications, that's fine... unfortunately transition is one of those things that nobody can do fully without help and our current tech. It worried me at first because the idea of dependence on anything is a problem, but when I thought about it and about my place in this world I realized almost none of it is completely independent of something or someone else in some way. It's the weakness of the individual but the strength of society as a whole.
Hopefully I'll get through my adolescence 2.0 and following that period of dependence on the hormones and any surgeries it'll be more a case of maintenance, and less imperative that I have the hormones always available at all times. Depends on whether they remove the organs that create my hormones. If they don't I suppose there's a chance of slightly less dependence, if they have to I will be 100% dependent on the system for vital hormones. I experienced what it's like to watch your natural hormones tank and not have any to give yourself and it is thoroughly unpleasant with side effects. It's a legit fear I have in this whole thing.
But because of that I didn't have much choice, I had to go on HRT anyway to replace the lost hormones, and from it I feel probably the best I ever have. I'm just going to go with it and try to enjoy what's left on the clock for me.
Hey.
Hope you are doing ok!
First off, there are many different types of Hrt. I'm using a private prescription in the UK as i can't get to endocrinology from my GIC yet. I've been on Finasteride and Evorel 100 patches for 9 months now and I find taking them easy enough. They aren't too expensive either. The effect on your body and confidence are great and i have never for a moment regretted my decision. I love who I am now.
It would be irresponsible and immoral for your insurance to stop HrT after starting it as they should know it is a lifetime thing. Maybe calling the ins company and talking to someone would help?
I am on Vensir xl, Biquelle, Finasteride, Evorel, and multi vits every day and i'm 22. Being on meds daily isn't something to worry too much about. I now consider it like eating. You need food to sustain your well being too :)
Hope this helps, even if just a little!
Take care.
Jessica