My husband announced to me in December that, 18 years after he came out to me as MtF trans, he wants to begin transitioning. That began a new chapter in our relationship that led to a much deeper understanding of our relationship and myself, and my own realization/coming out that I am and have always been bi-gender. During this time our sex life became much more active and fulfilling, and we spent hours each day talking (he works a split-shift and has mid-days home with me - I work from home). Most of these talks are *intimate* and really can't happen in front of other people. And right now these talks are absolutely vital to our relationship as we both are making daily personal and relationship discoveries. Our marriage is growing and changing, and right now is an absolutely vital moment in how we move forward, and if our marriage will survive his transition.
We have known for a while that this mother would be coming to live with us once she sold her home in another state, and she arrived little more than a week after . We came out to her soon after her arrival. Her reception of the news was of uncertainty and apparent acceptance, but we can tell she's not really comfortable with it. She's a really nice person, if sometimes a bit passive-aggressive, and I feel bad for not wanting her here, but she's only been here two weeks and already I've feeling the strain.
Our house is very small, only 999 square feet. She is living in the room that was our home office. My home office is now in the laundry room, and my husband is stuck at the front of the house with his office in the foyer. It's awkward, to say the least. There is zero privacy. Especially if I'm looking up graphic information about the things we want to do.
She doesn't know ANYONE in our town except us, and is pretty much home all the time except when she goes grocery shopping or to church (she's a liberal Mormon - ugh). And what my husband and I need to talk about is NOT something that can be said in front of her. Plus, she has indicated she doesn't really want to know the details, and we talk a lot about HRT, effects of HRT, what we hope does or does not happen with HRT, and future options for surgery, etc. Pus our sex lives, and how that is being affected.
It's starting to cause me serious stress and anxiety. Our sex life completely died out as soon as she got here, even though I'm just as horny as ever. And now I can't even take care of that myself because she's here ALL THE <FRIGGIN'>time adjacent. We can hear every time she rolls over, so we assume she hears everything we do (in our noisy bed). There's no way I'm having sex with her RIGHT THERE.
But she's 70 and had recent heart surgery, and is more than a little physically disabled due to multiple joint surgeries. She can't really lift her arms above her shoulders and has other health issues. We can't just "kick her out." But I'm worried about my sanity, and our ability to maintain our marriage!
We've tried going for a drive just to talk and that works a little, but it doesn't solve our physical intimacy issues.This whole thing is turning into an emotional disaster for me!
Moderator Edit: exchanged a word for one not allowed on our site. No smite delivered.
Wow, nothing like having mom coming to live with ya to thicken the soup! Oh that must take some patience! I couldn't even consider it and I admire anyone who could be so gracious.
Smart of you to be taking that drive but I imagine you are of an age that parking lots and furtive make out sessions won't cut it for long? ;) Is there a private place you two can drive to?
Are there any local senior programs she can access by mass transit, share a ride or give her a lift?
Might you use white noise or beautiful music when you're having fun and love?
That just sucks. I am so sorry you have to go through with this.
It is enough of a challenge just trying to work through our kind of relationships.
I wish you luck and perseverance.
With warmth,
Joanna
Consider looking up some senior activity groups that she could maybe join in on? Preferably that would get her out of the house around lunch time when it sounds like you're both free.
I'm sure her church could recommend some.
Might be time to convert the old garage into a Mother in Law Apt. Who cares if the cars are dirty if you end up divorced? It's your house, Cailan. Think it through and work it out. Panicking won't help you. Good Luck, Hon!
Quote from: jentay1367 on January 26, 2017, 04:38:24 PM
Might be time to convert the old garage into a Mother in Law Apt. Who cares if the cars are dirty if you end up divorced? It's your house, Cailan. Think it through and work it out. Panicking won't help you. Good Luck, Hon!
Our garage has already been converted. Our adult sons are living in it. One is in full-time college (and paying rent) and the other is autistic and may never move out.
My roommate and I had a 1200 square foot, two bedroom condo and at times that seemed a bit cramped. Five people in 1000 square feet is - - close. I assume you are unable to move to larger quarters so other than the above suggestions, possibly once the weather warms you mother in law might enjoy more outdoor time leaving the house to you.
Well...I feel for you. Another option depending on where you live of course, may be to put a single wide trailer on your property. They can be had quite cheaply used and either Mom or the boys could have it leaving the garage for Mom. Just throwing out ideas to help if I possibly can.