As some of you will know, last July I had my orchiectomy and then in December FFS.
The same month of July a friendship, which I had maintained on and off for five years, blossomed into something way more. I fell head over heels in love with a gorgeous lady. She supported me through my orchie and facial surgery, holding my hand as I came round from the GA.
But her children have been really difficult about me and us. Two of them deny the reality of transitioning and one of those two left home to live with her dad: she's 16. She says her mum pushed her out. These children have been my partner's lifeblood for years and whilst the other two are older now, 19 and 22, that doesn't lessen the pain for her and by extension for me.
Anyway, my relationship has become more important to me than my transitioning. I probably need to be told, as my partner regularly does, that the one wouldn't have happened without the other. Indeed, she and I had a brief moment of more than friendship back in 2013 but I couldn't cope with myself as a man and it was fairly disastrous in some ways. That comes on the back of nearly killing myself twice through self-medication, of hating my male body (though not my penis) and generally being pretty femme most of my life. I sent off for hormones aged 15 and my earliest memory, aged 4, is putting on my sister's undies. There's a lifetime backstory of believing I'm female. But I'm not a binary thinker on gender.
When I went out for my orchiectomy I knew I had also fallen in love with this person and told her so. Are the two things genuinely linked? Did I need to transition, to love myself, in order to love her?
But I do wonder if this whole thing would be so much easier if I quit the hassle of it. I've lost my testicles, which a significant part of me now regrets, so I can never get them back nor the testosterone that goes with it. And, yes, my face has changed. But it wasn't that drastic. I could live androgynously perhaps. Practically speaking, what testosterone would I need to take alongside estrogen? Without getting too graphic I do have a sort-of function down below too. As it happens I don't think my performance in bed would be remotely good as a man: I hated it for years. But I would still love my gorgeous partner and that's the main thing, the most important thing in my life right now. Incidentally, this is not a conversation that's easy with my partner, though we have held it, because of course she has staked everything on this: her children's wellbeing has arguably been affected by my decision to go ahead with transitioning.
I know this is a muddled post. But I feel torn and often anxious. I want to make my lover happy in all respects and although she's fantastically supportive, life would be so much easier if I was less obvious about my transitioning: if I lived, as many do in Thailand, something of a half-way house. I've never been a gender absolutist anyway so I don't have any massive hassle about gender fluidity. I would still take estrogen and dress femme or adrogynous. But surely I'd need a little testosterone back, wouldn't I? Especially to keep things working down below.
Argh. Argh. Argh. This way madness lies. Help.
If I wasn't resisting transition so much over such a long time I'm sure I'd wonder if I really needed to. As I move forwards in transition I usually feel relatively normal, so much so that's its almost like I'm not trans. But if I stop too long all my problems come back and worse. I've had it a few times now, and I'm absolutely certain that how I feel now won't last if I don't keep going.
Thanks for this: so in other words, it's easy for me to say this now but if I were to go back I'd be in a far worse state? If that's what you mean a good part of me knows that to be true. In the brief moments when I came off meds following unintentional over-dosing I was in massive depression: I couldn't live as male.
But could I live like this: not have the vaginoplasty, take some T, a little viagra (;)) and live androgynously?
If you're anything like me, then you only feel this way because you are currently transitioning. If you were to stop it would all come back. I'd guess you'd slowly start to feel unhappy, but not really sure about it to start with and you'd not want to mess up things so you'd keep going with it until things got bad again. Then regret for going though it all again.
No idea what it would take to work as a compromise. I'm kind of ok with presenting male for now, but I'm pretty sure that's just a temporary situation. If that doesn't work I plan on having SRS, still presenting male, and seeing how that goes. I'm really just trying to delay the inevitable. In a new relationship I don't really think that's a good idea because you'll probably just be storing up problems for later, and not giving yourself the opportunity to have a relationship without those problems. I'd hope you can do that with the current person though.
I have found slowing things down has helped me gain some acceptance - perhaps the classic boiling a frog.
What a great post AnonyMs. Thank you. That's very helpful.
xx
Hmmm, very tough decision indeed.
If it were me, I'd be thinking along the lines of what if the relationship with this woman didn't work out two or three years down the road. Would you try to go back to transitioning, and having regretted losing two years?
I guess what I'm saying, my decision to transition was for me, and no one else entered into the equation. Selfish? Perhaps, but for 35 years I was always appeasing others. When I started living full time, it was for me, I was in charge.
Wish you ouck
I completely agree Nina and thank you for your thoughts.
If I didn't have this relationship I would get vaginoplasty tomorrow if I could and continue with full transitioning. She and I have talked about that and she's very very supportive. It's also not a decision I can push her to help make. Were this relationship to end I would bitterly regret not having done the transition.
But the fact is that I am with her now and love her very very much. It's very tough.
Hi Rachel,
Keep yourself at the centre of your thoughts. By this I mean that, as trans people, we have spent most of our lives trying to fit in for others. We are in this situation not because we just want to "see what trans is" but because we are. Your partner knows this, and was aware of the situation before this current relationship started. It sounds as though she's saying to you that these current issues are not down to you. Maybe you should believe her.
Children/young adults are sometimes (often?) some of the most conservative and change-resistant people around. And sometimes they're not. I acknowledge what you say about their actions but, cliche as it is, maybe it says more about them than you.
I'm guessing from your recent posts that you've been in a bit of a trough post FFS. If you've not already done so, maybe a check in with the therapist might help?
I wish you all the very best at this difficult time. I know how hard it can be trying to square off with a cis partner.
Take care, with love & hugs
Ros
I look back when I married my ex wife, I married her partially because I did care for her, but I also did it to hopefully suppress my feelings I had about wanting to be a woman. I thought if I got deep into the relationship,those feelings would go away. First couple years was ok, but then I started having a lot of angst, anxiety...and I took it out on her.
In the end, only regret I have is having married her and wasting her time. Thankfully we were only married 8 years.
If I had of been true to myself then like I am now, things would have happened sooner. Or, perhaps the marriage was a wake up call. I dunno.
I notice that during the "honeymoon" period of a relationship and for a few years after, the other person is more important to me than I am to myself. It's a mental state I think a lot of us go through, and it eventually wears off. Not saying you will stop caring about someone, but eventually your own needs do resurface. Your desire to transition probably will as well.
Quote from: Kylo on January 30, 2017, 05:58:14 AM
I notice that during the "honeymoon" period of a relationship and for a few years after, the other person is more important to me than I am to myself. It's a mental state I think a lot of us go through, and it eventually wears off. Not saying you will stop caring about someone, but eventually your own needs do resurface. Your desire to transition probably will as well.
Absolutely!! ^^^^^^^
Thanks for these lovely and thoughtful comments so far. Since my second surgery I've had one appointment with 2 psychiatrists at the GIC but I have also asked for a counselling referral specifically with regard to the family and relational issues which have arisen.
It's true that I have been feeling low since FFS. I found it a physical battering and was quite ill in the aftermath. The hormonal changes too from coming off estrogen, when I have no testosterone left, have left me emotionally mauled. I'm still now on what would be considered a low level of estrogen input, lower than when I self-medicated but that's because I felt ill on a much higher one. Part of the reason I like the lower dose is that I assume, perhaps incorrectly, it keeps up my libido and functionality down below with the male bit that's left. That's for her.
My partner is really supportive and took the decision to be with me through the transitioning. Some of the doubts lie with me because I know she has never been with a female before and she likes aspects of my previous maleness. She was very keen on me before as a man, but I could not reciprocate. It's only in July, the same month as my orchie, that I was able to love her and told her so. But she keeps reassuring me that she wants to be with me that she wants me to be happy and that this, in turn, will make her happy. She has staked one hell of a lot in terms of her children.
I live with this anxiety of rejection. It's one of the reasons I spent so long tightly coiled with an impenetrable casing. I wouldn't let her, or anyone, in. I lived for myself and did my own thing, mainly in Thailand. I told myself I would never let anyone back into my life: a life which has seen a lot of pain: two failed marriages and I have buried three of my children- one through suicide :(
Now, two of her children have rejected me, her and us. Others more on the periphery reject me and us. And so some of my current thinking is wrapped up in not wanting to be rejected: not wanting to lose that which has become most precious of all to me, namely her. I love her, adore her. When I awoke from the FFS surgery and felt my hand in hers it was the most viscerally awakening moment of my life. I have become dependent on her love, I know, but it's wonderful and wholly unexpected.
Great thread, Rachel and everybody else. I've heard these statements made before if their decision was right to transition, start hrt, ffs, even grs. This just goes to show us, how complex, resilient, and fragile, the human condition is.
I will learn from this thread.
You've been rejected by these three young people (sorry, I can't call them kids, even the 16-year-old), and you want to turn that around by bending to them. This has nothing to do with your identity, Rachel. You are who you are. If they rejected you because of your profession, would you change that? Because of your skin color? I'm sorry, but you can't control what other people think. You can only be yourself, as best you can, and let other people make their choices, however painful. Including this woman you love -- perhaps she recognizes, better than you, that her children are old enough to do what they need to do, and she needs to do what she needs to do. This is kind of how people discover who they are.
If you tried to be someone else, you would fail, because you can only be yourself.
As to matters of libido, I've found progesterone (bioidentical) can do wonders for that. Women have libidos that aren't driven by testosterone. You don't have to live as a post-menopausal woman. Something to talk about with your endoc. There is more to hormone therapy than physical development -- there are also matters of psychological well-being to take into consideration, too.
Finally, I'm curious about this averring that you don't have genital dysphoria, and yet you say you'd get SRS "tomorrow" if it weren't for this relationship?
But she's "very very supportive" so it's not like she's stopping you. Well, except for liking certain aspects of your maleness... I tell you, I was in a relationship during transition as well, albeit a pre-existing one, and yeah, she was very very supportive, and very very loving, but she was also very very sad about losing the kind of sex life that she wanted. And this wore on me. Because I needed a certain kind of sex life, too, and it had nothing to do with retaining anything down below. Or retaining any aspect of the previous role in life that I had pretended to fill. And when it came down to it, the most honest thing for both of was to go our own ways, because an authentic relationship can only be founded on being fully authentic people. If either of you are making sacrifices out of fear of loneliness, I'm sorry, you're not being your true selves.
I don't think the dream you harbored all your life, Rachel, was to live in a half-way state of androgyny.
Quote from: Kylo on January 30, 2017, 05:58:14 AM
I notice that during the "honeymoon" period of a relationship and for a few years after, the other person is more important to me than I am to myself. It's a mental state I think a lot of us go through, and it eventually wears off. Not saying you will stop caring about someone, but eventually your own needs do resurface. Your desire to transition probably will as well.
I so much agree with this! And I've read this from a lot of others. I am now 100% convinced that it's something that will
never go away. It may become quiescent for some short or longer periods, but it will
always come back, and usually stronger.
Warm greetings
Sarah
Gosh there are some brilliant replies here so far. There's so much to think about. Sophia, I have pm'd you.
The progesterone is a brilliant point. I am due to see an endo so I will discuss that with him or her.
On the penis / dysphoria thing it's just that I really really want a vagina. I can't wait (were it not for my partner) but I don't hate my penis particularly. I don't like using it for sex and for years could barely do so but I don't massively hate the thing. I did hate my balls as the source of testosterone and hence why I got them cut off and why, when I came round from orchiectomy, I exclaimed 'I feel fantastic.' I've never smiled so much as the weeks after my orchie :)
Such a lot of this angst is tied up in my new relationship ...
p.s. I also know it won't go away but would resurface after the honeymoon period. My partner fully accepts that too though.
Quote from: rosinstraya on January 30, 2017, 05:46:14 AM
If you've not already done so, maybe a check in with the therapist might help?
I agree with this. During the month before my start of HRT I had a major meltdown. I almost cancelled my HRT appointment which I had been on the waiting list for 2 months for. But the weekend before my appointment I had a session with my therapist and she helped me so much. She was tough and asked me some questions that I had been avoiding for a long time. I wonder how long she had those superbly targeted arrows stored up in her quiver? Anyway, she asked them at exactly the right time and that got me over a tough spot.
Yes I've just requested counselling from my two psychiatric doctors, specifically re. the relational issue and the angst that's giving me.
The support on here is quite, quite, fantastic.
Just to show that I'm not exactly back tracking in, and of, myself ... today I have done my voice training, put on makeup and repainted my nails. I've dressed femme, walked in public and been out for a run. The angst is tied up with how things effect, and are affected by, my relationship.
I had an orchiectomy to reduce my need for medication and to stop the T flow at the source. I wanted to have and love the permanence. It has not made any difference in my libido or erectile function but playing the typical role of a male in bed has little interest for me. I like a post where another girl talked about her "shenis" as words do matter.
Potential regrets are reasonable to consider any time we take a pause and reflect on a journey with such profound impacts. As much as i love my wife, family and friends this is ultimately our life to own as we will. We can maintain empathy and compassion for those we love while being true to ourselves. That truth includes our ability to define ourselves. Who else deserves that power or knows us so deeply? Relationships can be supportive and even foster dependance without being controlling. It is a bit of a dance eh?
My concerns regarding GCS still outweigh my needs to proceed. We vote with our feet at times and I have not stepped fully into the GCS arena yet. This discussion thread is very helpful. Thanks all ;D
In my opinion, while lowering my glasses and frowning in all seriousness...
I think you're reacting in panic mode. It's not fair to put so much pressure on yourself right now, also those around you should not exert such pressure... you're just out of FFS, a major surgery and you almost died... Plus, it takes many months to feel even remotely good again emotionally. I would say: don't make any rash decisions, pace, and give it some more time. If those around don't love you now, they can and will never love you. No matter what you do. I am certain. Being someone you're not isn't healthy, nor is demanding someone else to be someone else.
Such great posts on here. Thank you so much. I concur wholeheartedly with what has been put on here including that incredibly wise one 2Cherry.
I've just had a lovely long chat with my partner. Her support is so strong and I think it helps that she and I never really had anything major apart from friendship before I had the orchiectomy. I literally wrote to her to say I loved her when I landed in Bangkok. She had been very keen on me for a long time but I couldn't reciprocate. But during those 5 years we built an incredible friendship, despite moments when I shut her out, sending literally thousands of emails, texts and voice messages to each other - often across the oceans. There was a connection there which is so strong and deep and I think that can carry us through. So she never really 'knew' me in the biblical sense as a man - just once, fleetingly. But something else, deep and long-lasting was forged that became the foundation for what has now flourished into love.
No, most of the angst is me trying to wrestle with how to deal with the situation, especially of her children but also my fear of how she will think of me post-GRS. She is so keen to reassure me on that front and I believe her. It's just all new for her. The crappy part is the way two of the children have dealt with her and the situation and I see the pain etched into her brow sometimes. Christmas Day was particularly grim when only one of the three deigned to be around her and us. It hasn't been easy.
Speaking of which, are there threads specifically about how to deal with difficult teenagers when their parent or the partner transitions?
Seems like youhave an unenviable decision to make.
Do you not go through with surgery because of it might change the way she thinks of you? Does that mean doing the surgery is a deal breaker?
Obviously her kids opinion is important, but should that sway you?
If you go through with the surgery, you're doing it for yourself. It's because you need it, can't stop thinking of it. Your desire to get rid of "it" is so overpowering that surgery must happen.
Are you having doubts about the surgery itself?
I could probably think of more questions, but the decision to have surgery...and I'll get flack for this, should be your decision.
Quote from: Rachel Richenda on January 30, 2017, 01:51:03 AM
Thanks for this: so in other words, it's easy for me to say this now but if I were to go back I'd be in a far worse state? If that's what you mean a good part of me knows that to be true. In the brief moments when I came off meds following unintentional over-dosing I was in massive depression: I couldn't live as male.
But could I live like this: not have the vaginoplasty, take some T, a little viagra (;)) and live androgynously?
Only you can answer "Could I..."
Yes, it is possible. In fact, if your remaining male part doesn't create strong dysphoria, it's probably best to not get vaginoplasty. Testicles could be "replaced" with prosthetics if you wish, and increasing T is also an option (but probably not to cis-male levels; I'm not a dr. though).
Talk to your partner,and don't give anyone else (including her children) a say in the matter. Someone who truly loves you will want what's right
for you, and even if that ends the relationship, well...you want what's best for
her, yes?
Good luck!
Well she is very strongly of the opinion that I should have the surgery: that I would dislike myself if I didn't, with all the dysfunctional dysphoria that goes with it. Seriously, she has come on this journey fully aware of who I am and what this means. She flew to Thailand one week after my orchie and we holidayed together in the south: one of the most wonderful holidays of my life. And then she flew to be at my side for the FFS which was staggering.
I think this is purely projection from me about how I think she might react, which is from her point of view entirely misplaced. I can park that. But the other and in some ways much bigger angst revolves around her children and I see her pain with regard to them. That said, she has staked so much that matters in her life on this relationship. They are everything to her. But she has placed us at the centre of that and that's pretty incredible.
I just think it might have been a whole heap easier if I'd sacrificed my own happiness for theirs and therefore hers. But I guess I know that would have been totally destructive. And 2Cherry is right: it's so close to my last surgery.
x
There is a story I see repeated many times on this site and it's before T and after T. Some many people get their T levels reduced to a low level most of the time with blockers and they really forget what it was like before. In a before T environment, you wouldn't be asking theses questions. The dysphoria would be driving you so hard that the transition would be the only goal. Now that you have eliminated the T from your life, you have a much less driven view of the process. Possibly you could live a life where you have a mix but do you think her kids would forget about your past and become good little family members. I suspect now that the cat is out of the bag, they wouldn't. My opinion is that your partner needs to join you in therapy and the three of you need to work out an agreement that all are comfortable with. Possibly at some future date her children will come around if they realize that their temper tantrums are not going to drive the two of you apart but they aren't going to give up easy.
By the way, I wasn't unaffected by the loss of T either. For many years, I falsely believed that the physical correction was responsible for the loss of my dysphoria. I now understand that only after I was post surgical my T levels dropped sufficiently to remove the dysphoria. I never had regrets but I sure had some ignorance about the process.
Thank you again to everyone who has posted replies on this. I'm very lucky in having a partner who talks to me and we have shared together the insights on here which have been enormously helpful to us.
I have realised that there is no half-way house for me on this. It's easy to think I could live without my current female hormone level, to forget the terrible dysphoria I had: my hatred of body hair, my beard, my male clothes, my testicles. I took the clothes to the skip and even told Channel 4 I couldn't do a re-enactment for their documentary because to put on those clothes was impossible. When I was given a pair of lovely pink socks for Christmas I took them back because they had a 'Menswear' label. And as for the testicles ... I left them behind in Thailand :)
No. Or, rather, Yes. I have to continue.
My estrogen intake has nudged a touch up and I feel much better for it. Even better than that ...
My vaginoplasty consultation with Mr Thomas is now booked for the end of next month :D Yippee!!!!!
Rachel, I'll skip repeating my own decision threads, they're recent I'm sure you can find them..
In a nutshell, E is the essence of transition for me, second only to my need to transition socially. I'm lucky to be able to have sex using my <shenis> and I've decided that while vaginoplasty isn't the be all or end all of transition for me. However I haven't really enjoyed penetrating sex in a long time (I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've orgasmed during sex in the last 3 years and that was after explicitly working towards doing that more often).
I don't think proceeding to vaginoplasty will be a mistake for you and still, only you can decide. The key thing to me is you're still gonna be a woman and her kids are gonna respond to that irrespective of what's downstairs.
I spent 40 years playing roles to please others and then another 20 actively knowing I was female and still playing a male role to get by and all it did was slowly drive me back into depression. YMMV, this is how it's worked out for me.
Quote from: Rachel Richenda on February 02, 2017, 04:38:59 AMMy estrogen intake has nudged a touch up and I feel much better for it. Even better than that ...
My vaginoplasty consultation with Mr Thomas is now booked for the end of next month :D Yippee!!!!!
Woo hoo!
Recently, I met a trans woman, and she hasn't done SRS yet. I started talking to her about her transition, what to expect, and suddenly, I fell in love with her. She likes me, but won't have a relationship with me, because she likes men and I'm transitionning to female. I often start thinking if I should remain a man, for her, to be with her, but ultimatelly, I know that I must transition, so she and I are just friends... But I still love her.
Sometimes, I think destiny brought us together so I could see that, no matter what, I must transition, and that fridndship is way more important than a relationship.
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Hi Rachel!
Congratulations on having your consult soon, you must be very excited, even with so many other considerations in play. I am very happy to read that you are having talks with your psych docs, and an open dialogue with the woman you love. After so many recent changes, and surgical trauma, it is no wonder you are spinning, oh my!
I just wanted to chime in and also offer my empathy and support. We go through so much duress and distress on our journeys, don't we?
And I also kinda wanna pontificate, I suppose, lol, because I know many of us are, or were, tempted to attempt these changes without the guidance of proper therapists, and even the most 'sure' of us, seem to need objective and pointed interactions with professionals at the many various stages along the way. We often see newbie MTFs with T still dominating their systems manifesting T kinda attitudes and behaviors, believing that their bravado is part of their real identity. For many of those of us that have lost those little T factories, the truth about what was real and what was chemistry might have come down rather hard on us at times, leaving us feeling like we were losing something we would later need. T is a very insidious hormone, it paints internal pictures so vivid, that we sometimes believe them to be photographs. Once our T is down, and the E is up, all bets are off, suddenly our identities and objectives are in a flux. I also know, that when my E was cut for my vaginal reconstruction, in that middle ground of hormonal emptiness, I too began to waver a bit, wondering a bit if what I was about to do was really necessary. Of course, E paints a wonderful picture, too, ha ha. But as it turns out, that painting was a still life of the actual life I needed to live. Everybody is different, and we all have to sort through this quagmire of thoughts, chemicals, surgeries, and dreams. The moment I awoke after the T factories and shenis were gone, I was giddy with joy, and I knew, I knew in every fiber of my being, that my body was now 'right', even with almost zero E and P to bouy me. But that was MY experience, everybody has their own, and so we need the help of those dang therapists to help us find our own path, our own goals, our own truths.
I hope you find that kind of certainty as you move forward. There is a stillness within me now, that I had never known before. I am so glad I proceeded through the steps, and took the time to be sure, and then, when push came to shove, I jumped at the chance for happiness!
Love is a powerful motivator, but the fear of losing love, is perhaps the most powerful inhibitor we transitioners face, I know it was pretty powerful in my case.
Many safe, warm ((HUGS)) for you, girl!
Ain't none of this easy, nope..
Missy
Relationships feel as sustaining to us as the air we breath at times, particularly primary and romantic ones like this. We are not generally creatures that do well with isolation. I want to add to what the others said here that what you are feeling is completely natural.
At other times those relationships are complicated and even burdensome. Sometimes they go back and fourth between the extremes. Love is truly crazy but awesome. The fear of loss definitely is a motivator that makes you do sometimes unreasonable things.
When i find i am in these sort of moments i always try and slow everything down. Not always possible, but it helps me from jumping around to conclusions etc.
Quote from: MissGendered on February 06, 2017, 05:55:31 PM
Hi Rachel!
Congratulations on having your consult soon, you must be very excited, even with so many other considerations in play. I am very happy to read that you are having talks with your psych docs, and an open dialogue with the woman you love. After so many recent changes, and surgical trauma, it is no wonder you are spinning, oh my!
I just wanted to chime in and also offer my empathy and support. We go through so much duress and distress on our journeys, don't we?
And I also kinda wanna pontificate, I suppose, lol, because I know many of us are, or were, tempted to attempt these changes without the guidance of proper therapists, and even the most 'sure' of us, seem to need objective and pointed interactions with professionals at the many various stages along the way. We often see newbie MTFs with T still dominating their systems manifesting T kinda attitudes and behaviors, believing that their bravado is part of their real identity. For many of those of us that have lost those little T factories, the truth about what was real and what was chemistry might have come down rather hard on us at times, leaving us feeling like we were losing something we would later need. T is a very insidious hormone, it paints internal pictures so vivid, that we sometimes believe them to be photographs. Once our T is down, and the E is up, all bets are off, suddenly our identities and objectives are in a flux. I also know, that when my E was cut for my vaginal reconstruction, in that middle ground of hormonal emptiness, I too began to waver a bit, wondering a bit if what I was about to do was really necessary. Of course, E paints a wonderful picture, too, ha ha. But as it turns out, that painting was a still life of the actual life I needed to live. Everybody is different, and we all have to sort through this quagmire of thoughts, chemicals, surgeries, and dreams. The moment I awoke after the T factories and shenis were gone, I was giddy with joy, and I knew, I knew in every fiber of my being, that my body was now 'right', even with almost zero E and P to bouy me. But that was MY experience, everybody has their own, and so we need the help of those dang therapists to help us find our own path, our own goals, our own truths.
I hope you find that kind of certainty as you move forward. There is a stillness within me now, that I had never known before. I am so glad I proceeded through the steps, and took the time to be sure, and then, when push came to shove, I jumped at the chance for happiness!
Love is a powerful motivator, but the fear of losing love, is perhaps the most powerful inhibitor we transitioners face, I know it was pretty powerful in my case.
Many safe, warm ((HUGS)) for you, girl!
Ain't none of this easy, nope..
Missy
What a fantastic post. Thank you so so much. These words feel inadequate for expressing my appreciation for the thoughts you have shared Missy. Wow. xx
Quote from: RobynD on February 06, 2017, 06:40:26 PM
Relationships feel as sustaining to us as the air we breath at times, particularly primary and romantic ones like this. We are not generally creatures that do well with isolation. I want to add to what the others said here that what you are feeling is completely natural.
At other times those relationships are complicated and even burdensome. Sometimes they go back and fourth between the extremes. Love is truly crazy but awesome. The fear of loss definitely is a motivator that makes you do sometimes unreasonable things.
When i find i am in these sort of moments i always try and slow everything down. Not always possible, but it helps me from jumping around to conclusions etc.
And likewise Robyn. That point about slowing down is so true and important. Thank you and to others who have shared on here.
xx
I've expected as long as I've understood being transgender that if I have GCS I'd have some regrets and a part of me will miss the shenis. Most recently that was confirmed by someone I know and respect saying yes she realized after a long path to post op transition, she sometimes misses "it".
For 15 years I've lived with my fear of regrets keeping me from hrt or GCS. I'm pretty sure that was first fueled by reading (I think it was) Kate Bornstein on realizing post op that she didn't fit in the binary female either.
Now I know some of the things I've feared weren't real. For instance a year on estrogen:
- even though I haven't been training especially hard I have not lost muscle strength
- Clearly a fair bit of my breasts growth is now permanent, no regrets, just realizing
- my relationship will survive transition but if that changes it will be ok
My therapist sent me my approval letter last week. I think it's fitting that as I completed the year of RLE I had a really difficult month 12&13. It's just not been easy and while I've waited longer than I'd wanted for her to draft it I've known it's just a formality now. I'm decided and know I'll have more regrets if I don't proceed.
Something I thought I would share is that my first words as I came to from the orchiectomy were, 'I LOVE Thailand'' and then I sent a message to my partner saying, 'I feel F A N T A S T I C.'
It's easy to think it's possible to go back and be content, but the reality is very different.
Post surgery depression is common and passes with time. Counseling is a great idea if you feel the need for help with dealing with these issues. It's normal and will pass as your hormones stabilize!
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Hi dear, Call me when you can. I saw this coming when I saw you two together.
Hi my love. Oh dear, did you? :-\ I will do but I love her soooooooo much. She constantly reassures me that I must continue with the transition: that a happy me is a happy us.
In the meantime I've been on BBC1 speaking about my transition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMW4ELuwuWY&t=407s
As you can tell, voice training has only just started :D Absolutely delighted with the facial work though.
Well...first thing...can I just applaud you for your composure and also the lady from Mermaids sitting beside you. Some of those people were just Jerks!!! I know the face of the lady in red behind you. Can't think where...anyway I certainly think the conservatives got much traction
The liberal guy was obviously talking about some current legislation but he was trying to say leave it to businesses and they will be ok...glad you got him on that one.
Overall the conservative lady sounded desperate and of course we had the obligatory TERF needling away.
Your voice sounded pretty good to me and they way you held and handled yourself looked naturally nervous...just like any other Gal you spoke with feeling and Authority...your voice has a really genuine sound.
I don't know if this is how you dress typically for you, but smart casual in those colors gave you an air of authority.
Great work
Liz
My dear friend Ruchenda. In my foundation to help TGs I have come accross this many times. Its not unusual. My advice is that if you really hold these doubts about full transition and believe you are in love and that the other person feels the same way .; then sit and have a serious discussion. I have met your love and she is most caring and seems toi love you a great deal, she is also beautiful in appearance . So she is so dpecisl inside snd out. You are so lucky to have someone like her. If you and her feel the same way then GO FOR IT. You can always transition later. I remember how much I needed love and I understsnd how you feel. Full transition is NOT the only way to live. You are exceptionally smart so just trust your feelings. I fully support your decision now and in the futureand will be there for you.
love you
What a gorgeous post Bobbie. You have summed up everything about how I feel. It's so lovely that you have met her and realise the love I have for her.
You're special, that's for sure. Thank you thank you thank you x
QuoteAs you can tell, voice training has only just started
How brave of you to put yourself out there like that , Rachel. It's people like you that make this all just a little easier on the rest of us. Thank you! As for your voice? It sounded feminine bt the 2nd definition of the dictionary
"possessing qualities or characteristics considered typical of or appropriate to a woman"
You were gracious and kind, both.... feminine traits.
Unlike the two rude TERF's who opted to disparage diversity, love, caring and magnanimity. Those two came across as fear ravaged haters protecting an indefensible position. Your demeanor, class and and behavior made you much more pleasant to listen to than them. Thank you again for being such a wonderful ambassador for us. Good luck with your girl!
Awww what an absolutely gorgeous message. Thank you so much ::)
On the other issue, I feel as if my hormones are settling down (slight increase recently) and my partner and I had a brilliant counselling session: not re. us but regarding the wider situation of very important people around us who have struggled with this. We came away united in our approach. I also know I have to continue with this journey but that my gorgeous partner is by my side: as she was in Bangkok through my surgery. As the counsellor said to me, 'she invited you into her home as Rachel, not Richard.' I'm very lucky. Well, I've had some real crap in life, but right now I'm lucky and that's something to hold on to.
Thank you again for your beautiful words. That's such an encouragement xx
I began this thread two months ago, since when I have been having regular bereavement counselling. I have wept lake-loads of tears. I buried three of my children and nursed my son for two months whilst his life ebbed away before me. A few weeks ago I went back to his grave with my partner for the first time since the funeral seven years ago.
The upshot is that I realise for years I have been running away from the person whose life was so riddled with unreleased pain. Transition was one of several escape mechanisms for me: a way of avoiding the pain of being me.
I won't transition any more. I'm going to face up to 'me' and reclaim Richard. Those around me may be happy, but this is about being kind to me once more.
There's a wonderful moment in the film Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams tells Will that it's not his fault.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtkST5-ZFHw&t=8s
Much love to you all,
Rxx
Rachael I hope you find the peace you are looking for...whether it be as Richard or Rachael.
Take Care
Liz
I've great "hope" that your "hope" will trump everything else. To say I see problems on the horizon would be a gross understatement. My position is to support you since that's what we do here. But I simply can't cheer lead you down a road that's on the face of it.... (and has proven in the past for many others to be), a dead end. We can't find or define ourselves in nor through the eyes of others. I've tried my whole life :'( I do hope you prove to be different, though. You're such a sweet compassionate person and god knows that after all you've been through, you deserve it.
My heart goes out to you, RachelRichenda, for your loss and the pain you experienced these past weeks.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual and psychological trauma, the only girl in my Multiple Personality (Disssociative Identity) Disorder System. I too understand there are many reasons a person may need to express themself as another gender that have nothing to do with being transgender. My Primary alter (a guy) went through a period when he was misdiagnosed as transsexual. He fought his doctors tooth and nail. No one can know what we need better than ourselves.
I have spent 50 years, running, created six different people in my head to survive the things that happened to me as a child. At this point in my life I am not sure we will ever be able "to face up to 'me'" and pull my mind into the single male identify I was born with. But I am far enough along in recovery to realize dissociation was an not a curse. It was amazing gift from God that helped me survive.
You faced a horrible trauma no human being should have to experience. But I don't see you as running. I am awed by the amazingly clever solution your brain conceived to help you cope with the pain until until you were ready to face it. You are a survivor. And I am proud of you for accepting the horrible things that happened, picking up the pieces of your life as Richard and moving on.
Hi, Richard
I wish you peace.
Just to say that I've had the most incredible counselling over the past two months. I visited my son's grave, with my partner, for the first time since his funeral seven years ago. Since then I have wept lake loads of tears as the reservoirs of pain come out for the first time in my life. As part of my counselling I've gone back to prep school when I was severely sexually tortured over a two year period: the monster responsible got a 10 year prison sentence.
My partner has been out of this world and I owe her my life. There were times in this process when I stared into the abyss from a teetering edge. But I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.
For me I now know that my 'Rachel' identity, whilst truly reflecting a female energy, was a dissociative idealised identity. It was a means by which I escaped myself: a life of unimaginable trauma and pain (severe abuse and the deaths of three of my children).
I'm back and I'm Richard.
much love to you all. You have been an inspiration through this and, for the most part, very supportive. I wish you all the very very best.
Richard
xxx
Long Days and Pleasant Nights..... :D
:D
Haha - thanks :)
xxxx
You're such a gentle soul and so sweet. I wish you all the peace you so deserve. Stay well, Richard.
If this is who you are Richard I am so happy that you came to terms with yourself! Everyone deserves to be who they are and to live happily
Hugs-Ashley
Quote from: Richard R. on April 12, 2017, 05:18:55 AM
:D
Haha - thanks :)
xxxx
Glad you got the reference and I mean it...I wish you only the best
Liz
There's an update to this over here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221584.msg1971161.html#msg1971161
xx
Hi Dear, I can only give you some examples of others like you, in my Foundation to help TGs in the srs surgery. You have my private contact details and if you need to talk to someone who know both of you please contact me.
Thanks so much for this. I was thinking about you yesterday and wondered about dropping you a line. It's lovely that you know us both and can understand. I'll be in touch x