Hello everyone!
Well...here goes.
My name is Breanna, I am a 32 y/o MTF transsexual. It took my a long time to be able to say the last part of that statement, though I've known it for as long as I can remember. When I was 4 years old I knew I wasn't supposed to be a boy but like so many, didn't know how and was too scared to say anything. I had a very difficult time identifying with boy things growing up. At home when my father wasn't around I would play with dolls and engage in girlish behavior. My mom was always supportive in what I did. All of my best friends were girls when I was growing up. I could so easily identify with them and found it much easier to be myself around them. At school I was frequently teased and bullied because I was different, though nobody could really put their finger on exactly HOW I was different. My teachers used to like to say I was gentle and caring. I can remember being depressed on photo days and special event days when the girls got to be so pretty and I felt so left out.
As time went on I tried to build a male persona to match how I looked on the outside and while I was fairly successful in this, it only made the feelings inside hurt more. When puberty arrived I became extremely depressed at the changes in my body and envious of what was happening to all of the girls. It was around this time that I turned to crossdressing as an outlet for my feelings. While this helped some, it didn't solve anything.
At age 20 I discovered the internet. Before the days of graphics! It was here that I discovered a newgroup about transgendered people and that I wasn't alone in the world! Armed with this information I decided that I needed to tell my parents about my crossdressing, but not about my gender confusion. Still not an easy task. My mom was very understanding, having allowed me to do girlish things when I was young. She said she had always known about the 'girl in me' and would be there for me. My father said, and I quote exactly, "Well, there are a million worse things you could be doing." I also told my closest friends, who were all very understanding.
It was also at this time that I met a very special girl whom I entered into a relationship with. I told her about my inner feelings right at the beginning and she was ok with it...this relationship continues to this day.
At age 22 I needed to find other local people like me. After much searching I found a few...and together we started a TG support group here which is still around today. Finding others who I could really talk to about myself was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Things continued fairly well for the next few years until I was about 26. It was at this point where the crossdressing just wasn't enough anymore, and the desire to become my true self was extremely strong. I knew where this path would take me, and it terrified me so much that I forcefully buried that part of myself.
Believing those feelings to be gone forever I threw myself into my career and became very successful. Acquired everything one would usually hope for in a normal life: good job, house, a loving parter... But for everything I acquired there was always something missing. A giant void. And no matter what "stuff" I filled it with I could never find true contentment or peace. In fact the more things I acquired, the less happy I became.
I continued to live this life until one day the feelings all came rushing back, and back hard! Like slamming into a brick wall at full speed. Every thought and feeling I'd ever had about who I really was came at me from every direction and I was powerless to do anything about it. It was here that I knew I couldn't deny myself anymore. If I continued living as I was, I would most certainly die young and miserable. So I had to make a choice...die miserable, or try to become the person I've always been on the inside. Sure I may still die miserable...but at least I will have tried and won't be living with the regret of not having done so.
I came out to pretty much everyone. My close friends from before who knew about the crossdressing, my new friends and my parents. So far I haven't lost a single friend to this and my parents have been amazing. My mom even went to far as to ask why it took me so long to decide to do this. She said she always knew I wanted to be a girl. Even my father I was still his child and that he'd support me anyway he could. I've told my boss at work and we are currently putting together a transition plan. I hope that goes well, for many of the people I work with are quite closed minded.
The most difficult thing has been with my relationship. She's been trying hard to understand it all and it's been painful for her. But we are committed to trying to make it work through all of this.
As things stand today, I've begun electrolysis, seen the therapist/specialist, been diagnosed, got the clean bill of health from my GP, and received the referral to the endocrinologist. Now I just have to wait to see him, with hopes I can begin HRT by March and begin living full time by January 1, 2009. Very exciting times. An interesting side note is that I've been a migraine sufferer since about the age of 12. Since having decided to stop denying myself, the migraines have vanished. Not a single headache of ANY kind since.
Although I've only recently begun this part of the journey, the I have a measure of peace in my heart and a feeling of oneness that I've never had before. I am finally going to truly be me.
Wow...that was long winded! Thanks so much for reading! Hope to talk to you all soon!
With much love,
Breanna
Hello, Breanna, and welcome to Susan's.
Your intro wasn't all that windy. Others have more to tell and they do.
You're on the right trail, IMHO. Please correct me if I am wrong.
You have come out to yourself and have embraced the woman who has always been you, within you.
Here the job can be pretty challenging. What can you do after embracing she who has always been you? You should always strive to be the best "she" you can possibly be. I believe that you understand clearly what I have just said.
It is quite natural for one's partner to be hurt when one pursues their true gender. It makes the other person feel that they are a failure. You know that she isn't but she will have a hard time with things. Please don't make the error of saying that you're only changing your outer appearance and that you will be the same old you on the inside. That's not true and after a few weeks on estrogen you might see why. For me, it has opened neural pathways and closed switches that were never before operative in my mind nor my emotions, or perceptions. You will not be the same.
I trust that you talked with your therapist about your coming out at work.
I cringe at the mention of electro. Have you considered laser?
Again, please feel welcome here. There is a lot of collective experience and wisdom to be found here.
Enjoy every second of this time of wonderment in your life.
Wing Walker
Posted on: November 12, 2007, 01:03:05 AM
Breanna, I almost forgot to pass on a bit of my experience.
I recommend that you buy this book: "Back Off" by Martha Langelan. It deals with sexual and gender harassment on the job, at the supermarket, on the street, on the bus or subway. If you have already told your boss that you intend to come out about 9 months from now, you might find this book to be a good guide to things in disguise. Things are not always as they seem.
Have a good week.
Wing Walker
Hello,
Welcome to the site and everything.
I don't know any useful books, so I'm going to recommend 'Winnie the Pooh' 'cause it makes me smile.
Hi BreannaRose, welcome to Susan's!
Well now, I see that my soul mate, Wing Walker, has gotten here ahead of me to welcome you.
QuoteFor me, it has opened neural pathways and closed switches that were never before operative in my mind nor my emotions, or perceptions.
We both agree that she got some of that from me. I am an empath, so being sensitive to feeling emotion has never been a stranger for me. You know one's self when the inner self awakens you have no choice except to follow or perish by denying yourself of the truth.
I had a vision one night before I started transitioning. In this vision I found myself walking about in some type of golden fog. I heard a sound in the distance, like that of a sobbing child. I followed the sound then suddenly I saw this shape sitting cross-legged on the ground. It was a little girl about, hmmm, rough guess, she looked to be about 7 or 8 years old. She had beautiful, long, gold hair that was full of ringlets. She wore a blue dress with white frilly trim on the sleeves and hem. Her head was bent over and she was vigorously rubbing the tears from her eyes with the backs of her hands.
She raised her head to look at me. I noted that her cheeks were tear stained. That touched me so deeply that I couldn't resist, well I'm a sucker with kids anyway, and I bent down to give this child a warm, loving hug. As soon as I touched her it was like "bang!" I had been hit by what felt like lightning might feel. The next thing I was aware of, I was back to my childhood days and as I progressed from there back to the present, I believe I experienced every emotion and feeling, like seeing all the myriad colors and their shades in the spectrum of visible light.
I believe that I experienced all of them, every emotion and feeling that I had felt from my childhood to that day. I embrace and love the child that resides within, she is precious to me, she is my light.
Anyway I still to this day have conversations with the inner-self. The response comes through the form of a little voice not in my ears but felt or sensed like they were my own thoughts but not. And this is where Wing Walker picks up on things and occurrences that come from me, She experiences these thoughts and occurrences she never thought existed.
Cindy
Hi Breanna,
Welcome to Susan's.
That is a great intro.
:)
Jillieann
Welcome to Susan's BreannaRose!!!
I can definately relate to a couple of things in your introduction:
"buried that part of my self" and "things came rushing back".
So true, it was just this past September that it all came rushing back to me after surpressing my gender issues for so long. I'm in therapy now, doing well and looking to start HRT hopefully sometime in April 2008.
I have found a "TG Friendly" electrolisis place here too.
Good luck, and I hope to hear more from you soon.
Thank you for the welcome everyone!
Wing Walker: I too believe I am on the right trail. Doing everything in a by-the-book sort of way. I really don't want to mess any of this up and will be patient to that end. I have spoken to my therapist about coming out at work and she gave many excellent pointers. As for laser, yes I even tried it out. But I have too many white/blonde/red hairs for it to be truly effective for me. But so far electrolysis hasnt been the nightmare others told me about.
Cindy: Thats a beautiful vision. Nothing quite like that ever happened to me. Just a wall of emotion one day...
funnygrl: Sounds like we come from a similar place. Including the timing!
<3 Breanna
What a wonderfully uplifting intro, Breanna! Thank you so much!
It's nice to hear you have so much support around you. That REALLY helps, especially during a transition. It sounds like everything is coming to together really nicely for you!
QuoteAlthough I've only recently begun this part of the journey, the I have a measure of peace in my heart and a feeling of oneness that I've never had before. I am finally going to truly be me.
Pretty cool, huh? The Adventure Of You ;)
Ya know, for all the heartache a transition can bring, it IS kinda neat that we get to experience the world like kids again... or maybe even for the first time really. How many adults WISH they could do that again?
Welcome again!
Oh, and please be sure to check out the
Site Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.msg27408.html#msg27408) if you get a chance ;)
~Kate~
Thanks so much for posting your intro, Breanna! You have so much to teach us and I know we can help you, too. Looking forward to your next posts.
Welcome to Susan's!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Hello Breanna and welcome to Susan's!
Thanks very much for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html) We look forward to your future posts and participation. Enjoy your stay :)
tink :icon_chick: