Tomorrow I have the first meeting with my oncologist since confessing my desire to transition to my primary care physician at the VA and starting HRT. I've enjoyed a cordial almost social relationship with her for over three years. We talk about her 2 children (a boy and a girl) and my 5 grand kids. She was pregnant with her daughter when I started seeing her. After a little chit chat she gets back to business and proceed with the exam and discuss the lab results and CT scan.
Tomorrow I will dutifully submit to height, weight and blood pressure. I'll tell her yes to her medications one by one including the 3 new ones. " yes to I am still taking the cholesterol pills, yes to the Spironolactone, and yes to the Estradiol". I'm sure my face will turn red. Then it will be back to the waiting area until my doctor is free to see me. I'll be ushered into the exam room and await her arrival.
When she arrives I'll greet her and ask about her children. She'll ask about my grand children beyond that I don't know. I'm sure she will be professional. Will I need to explain? Will taking hormones affect my treatment? lol Will she instruct me on breast cancer exams? Will it even come up? She will continue with her examination, discuss the results of the CT scan and labs. lol Should I ask to see the breast tissue growing upon my chest? I am curious. We'll end the session with an agreement to return in 3 or 4 months (provided my cancer has not returned again) There is always that spectre looming over my head. It has returned twice already. The last treatment could easily have killed me. They had to resuscitate the 2 patients they treated before me. I was lucky that didn't happen to me. But it was hard to endure. I made it and it seems to be working so far.
That is yet another reason to transition. I'm living on borrowed time. I've been proclaimed terminal twice already. I fear if it return again it will be the last. This could very well be my last chance to become me and die happy.
Sorry for being morbid. It's something I have to live with. Anyway my point is this, in a way this is my first time having to face the consequences of my actions and yes, I am apprehensive about it.
Jeanette
We worry far to much about things that we can't change or will never happen. You doctor is a trained medical person and I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her tomorrow. I think you will grow closer because you are sharing something deeply personal - something far deeper than most doctors ever share with their patients. She may ask you to do a few additional things but enjoy your evening because I think you will have a wonderful day tomorrow.
Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 08:17:20 PM
We worry far to much about things that we can't change or will never happen. You doctor is a trained medical person and I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her tomorrow.
Thank you Dena.
I agree with you on "Your doctor is a trained medical person " and as such she will be professional. But I'm not altogether sure our relationship won't change. I enjoyed our past visits very much and would miss then if it changed.
As for " I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her" I'll get back to you on that.....
Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 08:17:20 PM
I think you will grow closer because you are sharing something deeply personal - something far deeper than most doctors ever share with their patients. She may ask you to do a few additional things but enjoy your evening because I think you will have a wonderful day tomorrow.
I would like that very much.
Jeanette
I agree. I'm way closer with the ladies I work with than before. Even my therapist seems more at ease.
A dynamic life does have consequences including the sure knowledge that we all leave the stage eventually. Your thinking about mortality and morbidity is reasonable and profound. We all have a limited ride and it's up to us to make it good. I greatly admire your pledge to fully become yourself. This way we don't die wondering sister! We know!
I too expect that your relationships with your providers and others is enhanced by coming out. I was so ready to be rejected but instead found exposing my vulnerable truth encouraged others to share more in return.
Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 08:17:20 PM
I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her tomorrow. I think you will grow closer because you are sharing something deeply personal - something far deeper than most doctors ever share with their patients. She may ask you to do a few additional things but enjoy your evening because I think you will have a wonderful day tomorrow.
Well Dena you hit the nail right on the head. When I met with my oncologist today we had a bit of chit chat about her kids and my grand children. She related the good news that the was not sign of my cancer returning. Then she asked how I was doing and if there was anything new?
I responded with "I imagine you've read my chart and seen my lab tests?" She replied not really but I did see the estrogen" (as she returned to the screen to take a better look) I see her face light up with surprise as she puts it together. Surprise and delight I think. We then talked about it, exploring the what's , whys , some history, fears, expectations and desires. Told me I was brave in doing it. She thanked me for sharing it with her. She even inquired what I would like to be called. (I opted for no changes as yet) She gave me several hugs and nearly made me cry when she said she felt it made our relationship closer.
Yes Dena it was a very good and special day for me.
Jeanette
That's fantastic on all fronts! :)
Hugs, Devlyn
That is so great! I am so happy for you! ;D (I seen too many cold physicians to not be really impressed with yours.)
And great news on the clear report!
Hugs,
Jackie
Quote from: Jackie S on February 09, 2017, 07:54:21 PM
That is so great! I am so happy for you! ;D (I seen too many cold physicians to not be really impressed with yours.)
And great news on the clear report!
Hugs,
Jackie
Thanks Jackie,
I am very happy with my oncologist. We have had a good relationship for over 3 years now. This poor woman has had to tell me I am going to die twice. That cannot be easy for anyone. I could see it wasn't for her. Thankfully with her help I have proven her wrong so far. I see the genuine happiness she has in telling me my cancer has not returned every 3 - 4 months.
But I never expected the excited surprise she displayed for me when she saw what I had started. Jeanette was literally received with open arms, much to my delight. We spent at least 20 minutes talking about it.
Jeanette
Jeanette,
That is wonderful. The best reaction I had was my electrolysis person. She was the second person I told and she was so genuinely happy. I got a big hug when I got off the table. It makes your day doesn't it? You may find a new openness especially with women. In the last 8 months I had two closeted health professionals confide in me that they were gay. I was honored with their trust. Wish you great health and happiness. Being yourself is a big part of both.
Moni
Thanks Moni,
My oncologist coincidentally was my second person I told too. The first being my Primary care doctor. He was very professional and accepted it in stride though he was somewhat surprised with my revelation.
Jeanette
Dear Jeanette,
What wonderful news on all counts!
I was very pleasantly surprised that when I was in hospital none of the staff displayed any phobia towards me in person. I did hear that a few had to be spoken too in private but that is fine. Education is a good thing.
Safe journey honey!
Cindy
Thank you Cindy.
When we embark upon this exciting though frightening journey , we can use all the encouragement we can get to carry us through those trying times to some.
Jeanette
That's great that your provider is so understanding. When I started out last year? Not so much. I went to a Medicaid clinic that is religiously-motivated and they refused me treatment. When I asked for treatment, My Doc asked, "so what does your therapist think this medication is going to do for you?" Kinda only does one thing doc! So I walked across the street to Planned Parenthood. After I started HRT, the numbskulls actually asked me why I was taking estrogen and Spiro. I was like. Well? Duh! Do you SEE I'm wearing a skirt?
I could go on with this shtick all nite. Don't get me started about how everyone at the Walmart pharmacy knows me by name now. I've been going there for years and never once did one of them look at me twice.
I love that you are becoming the real you. I know how you feel. I told my therapist once that there are probably some people who given the choice between living for 20 years as a man or 2 weeks as a woman would choose the two weeks. I didn't realize it when I was saying it, but later I realized I was talking about my own feelings.
Hi Jane Emily,
I'm sorry your start has been a rocky road when so far mine has been good. But i am just at the beginning of my journey. I have yet to tell anyone other than my two doctors and of course you all here. Not even the sister I live with.
I am not sure at all how that will. Not well is my guess after I had to explain what LGBT meant when she heard it on the news. After telling her, she said "Well, why don't they just say "The weirdos?" My only response to her was "They are not weirdos"
Another rough part for me will be having to tell my daughter and her husband. I think my daughter may be a little more open having had some knowledge of my crossdressing when she was young though I did try to keep it from her. Her and her husband are well into their church and he had desires to become a minister. I have no idea how he may take the news. I jeopardize being able to see my five grand children.
I have more family and friends that will react however they will. I have one high school/ Navy buddy that I know I am going to hurt with my news. I know this because his half brother transitioned many years ago and he still cannot deal with it. I just re-established contact with him 4 years ago and he comes to visit each year.
So I'm on a bubble at the moment and soon it must pop. I dread it like we all must on out individual journey's. I cannot regret my decision though at times I'm riddled with doubts. I've live as a man for 64 years and my time to live as a woman may indeed be short. But I am determined to be me for as long as I can.
I'm sorry Jane Your response just made me pensive. My emotions are all up and down from one moment to the next. It must be the HRT meds. Yeah! That's it!. Or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Luv,
Jeanette.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on February 08, 2017, 05:05:03 PM
Well Dena you hit the nail right on the head. When I met with my oncologist today we had a bit of chit chat about her kids and my grand children. She related the good news that the was not sign of my cancer returning. Then she asked how I was doing and if there was anything new?
I responded with "I imagine you've read my chart and seen my lab tests?" She replied not really but I did see the estrogen" (as she returned to the screen to take a better look) I see her face light up with surprise as she puts it together. Surprise and delight I think. We then talked about it, exploring the what's , whys , some history, fears, expectations and desires. Told me I was brave in doing it. She thanked me for sharing it with her. She even inquired what I would like to be called. (I opted for no changes as yet) She gave me several hugs and nearly made me cry when she said she felt it made our relationship closer.
Yes Dena it was a very good and special day for me.
Jeanette
Jeanette I can see how worried you have ben and am so delighted it went so well.
Congrats
Liz
Thank you Liz,
Yes these first forays stepping out of my closet are scary. It's likely the reason I've been there so long.
I'm a chicken. It's one thing to know my fears loom larger in my mind then they actually are when brought out into the light of day. Knowing and doing are two different things altogether.
Jeanette
Congrats Jeanette!!!... What a wonderful encounter!... I think many of us around here have been guilty at some time of filling in the blanks we don't know about how people we tell will react with our worst fears and the reality of their reaction is usually the opposite... When I was in transition, I found the revelation usually strengthened my bonds with others.
You have my respect in moving forward with the business of transition while juggling battles on other fronts as well... You will arrive where you need to be!!!
Onward we go brave sister!
Ashley :)
Thanks for the encouragement Ashley.
My thanks also to Devlyn Marie and Denise. It appears I skipped right over thanking you two, Sorry.
Another face to face challenge starts the 23rd when I meet with the psychiatrist for initial intake assessment.
;D & :'(
Hugs
Jeanette
JeanetteLW, first off CONGRATS!! I am so glad it went well (and it should, tbh). I can totally relate. For me it was stage IV colon cancer and I came out to my oncologist, too. After years of seeing him as a man and he had told me I had 10% chance to live 5 years (that was almost 8 years ago ;) ). He and his nurse were very supportive. And he assured me that the hormones I took before being diagnosed had nothing to do with my cancer occurrence. I was worried because I self medicated for a few years before my cancer showed up, I stopped HRT when diagnosed, but when my PET scan showed NED I was waiting no longer! I came out, transitioned, and never looked back!
I hope going forward your encounters are positive and uplifting. :)
Thank you Ainsley.
Congratulations to you on your successful 8 years of fighting cancer. In this too it is nice to hear from a kindred spirit that knows the despair and fear that a cancer diagnosis brings. I noted that Cindy is also one of us.
I have yet to make it to that 5 magical year mark (those who have experience with cancer will know what I am talking about) without hearing those awful words. I've heard them three times now. Being told you are going to die wears on you. It is one of the reasons I decided to finally take this step. My last treatment (IL-2) though it was rough and the odds were against me. IL-2 was the only treatment that offers a very, very small chance at a cure. If I remember it is less than 1%. At this point I know I am at least in the 6 -7% that have a very good response to it. There is that feeling of running out of time.
Oh well there I go rambling again.
Thank you again Ainsley
Hugs,
Jeanette
Oh, Jeanette, I feel for you and understand your emotions and situation completely. I did chemo (various ones, fulfox 6, erbitux, etc.) for 1.5 years. Had a foot and a half of my colon taken out, and they found cancer in my lymph nodes, then a tumor metastasized up by my duodenum. I actually ran out of effective chemotherapy options. I was being put out to pasture, so to speak, and my Dr. took my case to their roundtable (a meeting of all the oncologists and their difficult patients) to discuss 'out of the box' options, he said. Radiation is not a clinical approach for colon cancer, but there were two types they considered. One was too dangerous, so they did the other one on me. Radiation treatments once a day for 21 straight days. I threw up every time, about 2 hours afterward. But, voila! The tumor was crushed! I was diagnosed in July 2009, and had my last clean PET scan (NED) Mar 2011.
I share this to tell you NEVER give up on the treatments and options. You just never know!
You're survivor Ainsley.
I was spared the chemo and radiation treatments as kidney cancer does not respond to them. My kidney cancer was discovered during a run in with appendicitis that hit me late one night. I managed to get through a full day of work before going to the ER. The CT scan or MRI discovered the cancer along with the infected appendix. The appendix came out that night and the kidney followed a month later. A few years later I was hospitalized for diabetes. It was caused by cancer metastasizing in my pancreas. I was diagnosed as terminal stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. I still have diabetes because they had to remove about half of my pancreas, my gall bladder and a few other things in the area as part of the whipple procedure. I now take insulin twice a day and enzymes to help digest my food. Skip forward a couple more years and it is back in several places in my abdomen. once again I'm diagnosed terminal and inoperable this time. I asked about IL-2 and after tests I was deemed a good candidate for treatment. 5 weeks of poisoning every 8 hours isn't easy but I survived and so far so good. It appears I'm one of the lucky ones that it helped. How much is still an open question. This gives one a sense of urgency sometimes. So far it's been about 2 1/2 years. I live on borrowed time and hope I am one of the very few miracles.
So there you have my ongoing cancer story.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Wow! Thank you for sharing yours. You, too, are a survivor! And you, too, have beaten the odds. I feel for you, girl. I really do. Keep staying strong, take one day at a time, and move forward. I totally get the urgency thing, too. I was told I was not going to live by my Dr. He told me to get my affairs in order, wills, etc. Do my bucket list...all of that. Well, my bucket list was to come out and live unencumbered about my gender. :) I see you have the same feeling. :) Every day I get up and appreciate my existence and take nothing for granted. I put nothing off to the future that I can do or accomplish today. Cancer is a scourge, but it was also a catalyst for me to become the woman I am today. I think the same holds true for you! Cognitive Behavior Therapy? Maybe, but I like seeing things that way, none the less.
Be yourself, Jeanette. You deserve it!!
In 1993, due to congestive heart failure I was told I had about five years. That was 24 years ago. I fooled them. I do understand your concern it may be your last stand. In many ways I had the same fear. Now 6 months on HRT in spite of my heart problems, I feel like I've just adding an element that has been missing since conception. The lingering doubt of who I really was. My Doctors have been great so far. In fact one of the first thing my GP asked is what I would like to be called. I too hugged my therapist. She helped me realize that I could not hide who I am as I have tried to do all my life. I am now training with a Group Health voice coach, who is absolutely wonderful. Even the social worker assigned to my case is so kind and caring. They have made my decision to start HRt that much easier. I am so happy your cancer is in remission and you can spend your final years being who you feel you have always been. One of my biggest failures is that I could not be honest with the therapists, I've gone 7 times since 1984. Each time ignoring my real question. Why do I keep praying to be a woman. Even in 1984 there was not much information and what was out there was transmitted via a 9600 baud rate. After nearly going off the rails, I decided to fess up. By the end of my second visit she was asking me if I wanted her to write the letter to give to my doctor. Just the confession to someone, relieved so much weight, hate and depression. In the next couple weeks I told my family. After 6 months, so far so good. I have done the electrolysis with just a few more sessions to go. I let my grey hair grow. So far to my shoulders just like back in the hippie days. I want to get my ears pierced. I have a thing for dangly earrings. I would also love to wear boots but alas size 15 boots are not available.
I wish the best for you and hope your remission is permanent.
Dawn
All those years, all those fears, and tears. The serenity of being transformed mentally if not physically is a joy I did not possess eight months ago. I no longer "Have to be the man". I can be me. It is just so hard to forget what took 64 years to learn. It's not a sin to be vulnerable, It's nobody's business what I wear as long as I wear something. Just these reliefs make it worth while and if you are like me, you've carried around the shame of not knowing that there is nothing wrong with you, probably most your life, that a little compassion can't take care of.
Thank you Dawn,
Thank you for your story and encouragement. Get you ears pierced. I did many years ago. Twice. I like the earrings I have when I get to wear them. I also like nail polish. My nails grow fast and are strong. I was the envy of all the girls when I was young. I had them painted a frost dark pink or a lighter red last night for a few hours. They were so pretty.
I'm afraid I tend towards being a girly girl when I can. Yup pretty earrings, makeup, pretty nails, high heels, skirts and dresses, that's me. Someday I'll be able to wear what I like as I please.
Hugs Dawn,
Jeanette
Hi Jeanette, I am so happy for you and I had a few tears in my yes when reading yours and others health struggles. I congratulate you on taking the step to go on HRT and becoming yourself. Fears about coming out and having ups and downs when starting hormones is part of the package.
I am getting into super healthy eating and listen to Dr. Ronda Patrick on You tube. She has a discussion on cancer and eating to maximize health. She has me drinking a smoothie a few times a week, eating organic and non-GMO. She has two smoothie recipes. She talks about cancer and their pathways on several podcasts. She is/was a cancer scientist. Her website, foundmyfitness.com has a long list of research papers. She knows her stuff.