Hey, another rant. I dont know what came over me, but i feel like death today. Things were going so good. There were large stretches of time were I felt more at one with my womanhood. Living full time has helped and allowing myself to do all the things I have wanted to for a very long time aswell. But my stupid mind is STILL atracted to doubt and trying to make me still be a man in every which way and it is killing me again. I can reject it but honestly this is ridiculas, I hate that i waas born male, I hate that I am too much of an idiot that i am a slave of my own fears i just hate myself so damn much, I went ape-crazy last night again. Ripped out some hair, punched myself in the head a few times and cut myself again. All because ''he'' likes to disturb me. I will say flat out i am diturbed by almost everything male. i hate body hair, i hate testosterone, I hate the penis, I really dont wana go back to the male social ciriles and all that male-bonding crap, and much more. I have had some suidcidal thoughts again last night and today. I hoestly cant live with him. I just want him and everything about him out of my life and away from me forever.
I wonder, what in my stupid head keeps allowing the devil to live? I need some answers because i NEED to kill him off from the mind. What is innternalizeed transphobia for starters? I have been told my many counsellors i have it. I mean i used to be extremely transphobic even when i still wanted to magically be a girl years ago. also grew up in a male dominated enviroment, one were i was told that women mean nothing and men are everything (at an very young age). There were even more vulgar things said about women too, especially around the ages i was more curious about the female gender and how cool females were. I guess I kinda baught into (and i feel shame for it) that the male gender was better and that i need to be that man. It just seemed females got the short end of the stick and even as a kid I knew that male previliage was a true thing. My mind is like super resisitant to actually seeing myself as a full female. I mean i can do it, and there are times I will feel super euphoric but soon after that something in my brain will freak out and try to put me back in the male box. Is this really my sub-conious being freaked out at good progressive change? is that why it will put me back in he harm of male living? I need to know. I dont have money to see a Psycologist and my current counsellor hasnt a clue about these things.
All what matter to me is killing him off. I do not want a man life in any way shpe or form. But the demon lieks to fight. I hate the doubt
At this point....when "he" starts to show up to sabotage me ( cuz' at this point, that's what I consider that attempt at playing interloper) I fake it till I'm making it. Push on through ........tell him to talk to the hand.....oh, hellz no, not today! Move on and ignore his niggling. In short order, the bastard recedes and goes way. Hard to unscrew all that male socialization. Just don't beat yourself up or give up. Neither have anything to do with your goal. Keep......moving.....forward.
Hey! :)
I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. I think you're the only one who can answer your own questions. :(
But I think I understand the feeling you're describing and I believe that I feel it, too, just under different circumstances and my mind interprets it differently. For me, that same feeling used to also give me confusion. All I could describe it as in the past was depression and confusion. What I found was that the feeling in my case came from a thought process that I had managed to speed up to the point of it being too fast for me to decipher in most cases. So I watched for the slower ones and I found that it was literally dysphoria. Like, I would be out at the mall with my girlfriend and I would be really comfortable, using feminine pronouns and everything, and then all of a sudden I would remember how my body is designed, tell myself "No, you're not a girl, you're a boy." and then feel confused due to the dysphoria as a result of the repression. All in the fraction of a second. I noticed that a few days ago for myself.
I don't know how my story helps you, but maybe it can help to know you're not alone. Trying to feed your way back fo what was presented and what was assumed is fairly normal. It happens, for some more often than for others. So please don't feel alone, and please don't hurt yourself. It'll be okay, I promise. :)
Thanks girls <3, its just so tough. Liek in my head it tells me, if i was truly a girl there would be no ''him''. I didint know at a young age i was meant to be a girl and that kills me a lot. I only wished at times but in my memeroy i had no dysporia as a little kid (as far as i can recall), and as my family loves to point out i showed no signs so i cant possibly be anything but this ''man''. It just hurts so much. All i have asked is to be a woman in peace and be able to move on. I cant do that with ''him''. I just dont know what to do. I really hate my male-domianted life and how hard i tried to be like them cuz i felt i had no choice.
Im sorry. You guys are giving me clarity, but i am just so sick of this roller coaster. I want him to go away forever
Unless you're in a position to go full time female right now, you're going to need the "male" part to help make it possible. Maybe that's why you're freaking out because you know that logically this will take time and you can't just leave it all behind in a moment. It's going to take time and work isn't it, and you still have to make a living in the meantime. It's not stupid to feel like you need some aspects of your old life for now, it's actually very sensible.
There is no point treating your past or part of you like it is a demon. Been there done that. Better to reconcile with it, accept it for what it was and remember you are going to move on from it. Butterflies were caterpillars once.
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 05, 2017, 11:26:49 AMin my memeroy i had no dysporia as a little kid
I mentioned this in another thread, but it might be relevant here. I thought that I didn't feel any dysphoria as a kid. But I am realizing now that
I didn't know anything else but dysphoria. My entire life until recently was dysphoria.
To recognize something, you have to be able to compare it to its opposite. I never knew the opposite of dysphoria, so I was unable to recognize it until recently
I am thinking that perhaps you are in the same position.
There is no rule that says you have to recognize dysphoria as a little kid or it isn't real. True, those cases make great poster kids in the media, but that is not the only way to be trans. Many more of us only recognize it later in life. Heck I didn't get it until I was 61!
Ashley, that isn't really a whole separate person haunting you. It's just a part of your own mind raising that self-doubt, the primitive worrier still wedded to an obsolete self image. Like Jentay says, you just have to push on through. That helps the long, slow process of updating your internal self-image to the point where that doubt fades away.
I've been out for a year, on HRT almost 9 months, and full time for 4+ months, and you know what? That stupid Doubt Monster is still here. That 'he' is really just a part of ME, and is slowly re-integrating, dissolving away until only I will remain.
The process takes a long time. Really long. Trillions of neurons, hundred of trillions of little neural switches all holding onto state accumulated over a half century of life don't just reset overnight. When I got dressed this morning, I turned and looked in the mirror, and I saw MYSELF. No 'dude in a dress', just ME, and I was overjoyed. I damn near started crying. That is how rarely I get to fully be just me, that when I am and there are no doubts, I am so surprised at myself and joyous at being me. After all this time, this is still not an everyday event.
When I don't quite feel just ME, when the Doubt Chihuahua (that's all the monster is these days) is yipping at me, I still get my looks right, paste on my best smile, and head into the world. Faking it til I make it. I feel better pretty quickly these days, and can get past that nuisance in minutes instead of hours, but it is still there. It IS better, and I am constantly improving.
Just push on through, Ashley. You know who you really are. Be true to yourself, not that silly slow learner in the hindbrain.
Thanks girls plus Kylo for the imput. I know that i am just having a really bad day, but it is just i dont know. You see, when this happens my whole mind shifts. Not in like a bi-polar or DID way but like my whole life. For the longest time seeing anything male would greatly disturb me (say, seeing a sink full of facial stubble after a shave) but i could shake it off. One day soemthing snapped. When these male things happened my mind at times will jump to this an adreneline like state, as a few counsellors said this turned into fight or flight. I guess because those things distubed be so much in became part of my anxiety disorder (somehting i been diagnoised with). When i am not totally disgusted i then get extrmemly fixated, and my mind takes me to a time when i wasnt as disgusted by it, which in a way makes me numb, which makes me think i dont have dysporia. Then the man feelings kick in, and the dysporia will come and honeslty be worse then anything i ever felt before but my mind is fixated on everything male. As a woman i dont get that, i have a more normal feeling but something in my head keeps trying to kick it out. That is why when i have a eupphoric feeling and am so content with being a woman my mind will try to slap the man infront of me.
Seriously, i dont get like this much, largley because i have been in female mode a lot more, but i am thinking dark. Like death dark. I dont want him sigh.
What good therpays are there to un-covering past truamas, and also coping strageies ya know? Talk therpay aint doing much for me :/
I find it pretty helpful to aknowledge negative feelings and redirect them. You body feels foreign to you? accept that and put effort into make it a body you'll be comfortable with. You feel that male presence in your mind? Of course you do, Society has forced us to create a convincing act every day. Which just makes me livid! Much like you, these feelings have caused me to physically harm myself many times. And it isn't your fault that you have these feelings. I just try to turn all of that frustration towards dismissive attitudes and uninformed strangers(and sometimes loved ones) who believe I owe them maleness. And I just hope the time comes that I don't have any hate left for myself.
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Im so sorry you had to experince this too :(, my issue is tho when i am happy as a woman my mind tries to throw him in and explain..'' well, u have him in ur mind and you are not suicidal , so ya know, MAN!!!'' ... and my stupid brain gets fixated on everything male and will actually blackout and reject anything female. This is what hurts me the most. If I was truly trans this shoulndt be happening. Quite the opposite, i should be fixated only on woman stuff and have absolutley nothing male left in me. Or so that is what i get..
As I said, i think there i something super deep in my mind that is fearful of female-ness and only wants to think about man crap.. even though i am only happy, when doubt isnt an issue super content and emotionally stable as a female for some reason. It just doesnt seem right. My mind is glued to everything male at times (which makes me have a queezy feeling just admitting that) even though it hurts me and i dislike male-ness. Something isnt right with me, and i wana fix it. I still just dont wana be a man ever again tho
The best approach may not be trying to kill him off. In my case, it's always been just me. There is the male life and the female life but even now, I call on my male abilities when needed. When I need to repair something, I call on that part of me. When I was out for an evening walk and I saw a woman who might be in danger, the male part of me stood ready to protect her if needed. Learn to coexist with that part of you because it had been a part of you for a very long time. You can still be fully feminine without removing all traces of your past.
Thanks. But I think I am going to pull the plug on transition. Rather I like it or not, there is something in my brain that will NOT allow me to be a woman all the time and will litterly try and block anthing female out. I cant deal with this. This is in no way a change of heart where i just suddenly love everything male or miss the mans life. In fact I want to cry my eyes out. I dont want to go back. But what do you do? stay on transition, yes sure have a bit mroe self-respect, feel content, actually love yourself until it crashes down. Why does that happen? because you spend your whole life trying to fit the mold as a man, and in my case I was succseful for a period of time. I was beaten into a man, i forced myself to be a man and then when I transition all those family memeber who once said ''You have never been happy in your life'' come out and say to me, when I was happy and actually started to feel some kind of self love for the FIRST time in my life ''You are just running away from manhood because you were abused by so many'' and other hurtful stuff so now i got to re-live those memories when I move forth. All because they want a man they will put horrid doubt into my head. As a kid I tried to be the next ''great man'' but there were reasons other then some love of masculine pride. I was one of three grandchildren on my dads side back when we wereliving in Victoria. I had 2 cousions older they me, they were born in the mid 80s. They were in trouble with the law, did horrible drugs (one is basically mental unstable due to that) and just werent on a good path. As the last male <Dads last name> I actually felt a duty to rasie a family, ya know to carry on the name and to make myself somehow be a picture perfect success story.
I think i do need to ''de-transition''. Like I said, not becuase i want to but i am tired of the defeat I always get because of doubt. It just hurts now, because i was really loving myself, and taking care of myself. but i will never get rid of my demons so i have to basic commit a form of suicide (de-transtion). I guess, even when i am depressed when i go back to my ''manhood'' i can know there aint going to get much better. I tried and failed. There is something in my brian that wil block out anything related to females sometimes and just replace it with depressing thoughts of man stuff. I am 23 in 15 days, and I would love to wake up that day, or now as a woman inside and out with no associateion to the old life.
I am so hurt and no one will ever know how crushing this feeling is </3
Ashley, lookup internalized homophobia, it just means you have mixed feelings about being feminine which for me happens because we been exposed to transphobia from others who ought to be the very people who care for us. It's part of how most of us learned to cope with being in the wrong gender body for all those years.
You're doing fine, these are things we have to get through.
QuoteThanks. But I think I am going to pull the plug on transition.
Really? Haven't you been here? Don't you deserve better? Your like 22 or 23 years old. Your whole life ahead of you. And just recently you said to the whole manning up thing:
QuoteNot a chance. That would mean living each day in manhood. No thank you!
So you're going to live your whole long life in quiet desperation? Are you serious? Cut and run? You're not worth any more than that? Show some fortitude woman....fight for it. Step up!Sympathy won't make you whole, either seeking it or having it bestowed on you. You want sympathy???, you can find it in the dictionary between s*&t and syphilis.
This is tough. You're not going to wake up Super Princess...... you're not your damned avatar. Does this feel like tough love? Good, it is. This will be the toughest thing you've ever done Ash. None of it is going to be easy. None of it. Pull up your big girl panties, take some deep breaths....go to bed....and look at it all in the light of a new day. Certainly don't close doors. None of that is necessary. If you don't want to pursue...don't. But don't proclaim to the world you're done. It lessens you in others eyes and creates a cage of your own making. You've made it very clear you're TS. How do you actually go live a long protracted life as a man that you clearly aren't, just because this is hard.
QuoteI tried and failed
You can't fail till you quit
"Do. Or do not. There is no try." Yoda
Look below at my Signature... it's true you know. And while you're at it, look at the one below my avatar. More universal truth.
I know JenTay and you are completely right. I appreciate the ''tough'' love you and Sadie and others have given me. But this is the hardest thing I have ever done. On the other hand when I can be that girl it is also the most rewarding thing too. I do not look for any sympathy just wish I knew a good path. I hate to admit it but my whole life Ihave been a bit of a coward in one way or the other. I want to break that barrier and I want to work on all my other stuff too that bugs me. But i still hear my moms voice in my head ''I think if you go to tharepy and truly work on your self you will have an ah-ha moment''.. in which she means I will basically blame all the males who hurt me as a child and somehow once I do that I will have manhood restored and be a ''proper'' man. To be honest that freaks the hell out of me, though a friend on here said that is likely her projecting her desires as opposed to that becoming an actual reality. I dont know what I will do, but i will need a few days to myself. I dont know what is with me today, the past while has been super good in actuality and I have been closer to my real-self (if i can say that without looking liek a waffler) then, well ever. And I love it. Thats why I am so emotinal and, well, I guess whiney. I just dont want to lose Ashley. If i ever do go back to male tho I am cutting out every single family memeber i have, heck with them.
Ashley,
I haven't read many of your other posts, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents worth.
I am 44, almost twice your age, and there are plenty of others here in their 50's and 60's, who are only starting to transition now for a variety of reasons. As for me, I am only starting to come to terms with being trans now. I wish that I had known at a younger age because now I feel as though I have in some way wasted my life. The only thing that is preventing me from going into complete despair and regret for missing out on my childhood and youth is that along the way I met my wife. She is the love of my life and the reason I choose to live another day. If not for my wife, I would be a complete wreck and very likely not here today, because I would be full of regret at having let my life go by without "living" it.
What I am trying to say is, like jentay said, this is not an easy road we are on. We are who we are. To pretend to be someone else so that other people don't have to deal with their own prejudices is not the answer. They don't have to live your life. Only you have to live your life, so you need to do what is right for you. If you need to stop your transition, then do it for the right reasons, because that is what YOU need. Don't do it just because it seems to difficult. I'm probably not the best person to say that because I haven't started transitioning. But that highlights my point. The older you get, the more complicated life is and transitioning becomes even harder.
And don't forget that we are all here to support each other.
End rant!
Jessie
Oh, Ashley, I know how this path ends. I'm sorry the unpleasant effects are getting you down, but I have my doubts that becoming what you so clearly find unsatisfying will solve your problems.
I have seen how happy you can be as yourself, and how sad suppressing aspects of yourself and trying to be male has made you. We'll still be here, should you ever choose to seek a path to your joy again.
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 05, 2017, 03:30:49 PM
Rather I like it or not, there is something in my brain that will NOT allow me to be a woman all the time and will litterly try and block anthing female out.
This is EXACTLY how it is for me. I have Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and my primary alter is a guy. Part of the time my brain is not me and needs to be a guy. Primary was quickly misdiagnosed as transsexual because of me. As right as switching to live as a girl would have been for me, it would have been completely wrong for Primary. It took 2 years of therapy before the doctors began to understand he actually had a female alter (me) because of childhood sexual and psychological abuse.
Quote from: Jessie007 on March 05, 2017, 07:07:03 PM
Ashley,
I haven't read many of your other posts, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents worth.
I am 44, almost twice your age, and there are plenty of others here in their 50's and 60's, who are only starting to transition now for a variety of reasons. As for me, I am only starting to come to terms with being trans now. I wish that I had known at a younger age because now I feel as though I have in some way wasted my life. The only thing that is preventing me from going into complete despair and regret for missing out on my childhood and youth is that along the way I met my wife. She is the love of my life and the reason I choose to live another day. If not for my wife, I would be a complete wreck and very likely not here today, because I would be full of regret at having let my life go by without "living" it.
What I am trying to say is, like jentay said, this is not an easy road we are on. We are who we are. To pretend to be someone else so that other people don't have to deal with their own prejudices is not the answer. They don't have to live your life. Only you have to live your life, so you need to do what is right for you. If you need to stop your transition, then do it for the right reasons, because that is what YOU need. Don't do it just because it seems to difficult. I'm probably not the best person to say that because I haven't started transitioning. But that highlights my point. The older you get, the more complicated life is and transitioning becomes even harder.
And don't forget that we are all here to support each other.
End rant!
Jessie
To be honest one thing that bothers me is what i mentioned earlier. I have been a coward for most of my life. I really hate to admit that. The only time when i remember being strong is oddly enough when i tap into being myself, Ashley. I have thought about a life style change. Some may ask what have I been smoking (nothing for those who wonder :D ) or may see it as smart. I am thinking of buying a Van soon and probably living in it for a bit. Originally i thought about running away from my whole life and moving to the province of New Brunswick. Then i relized running to New Brunswick I would probably break down and have to face reality some way or another. Still, New Brunswick is a beautiful province but then I see that i shouldnt go there at this point in my life. Looking at everything, mental health, trans and gay resources, jobs, ect I now been thinking of going down to Toronto to find support networks. Live in the van until i find a room mate. It just Petawawa, where I live is so limited in all the catagoeries i just listed. I really do wana work on my stuff, but i want to come out of it as myself (ASHLEY). I dont want to settle for less then I deserve.
Quote from: Michelle_P on March 05, 2017, 07:43:52 PM
Oh, Ashley, I know how this path ends. I'm sorry the unpleasant effects are getting you down, but I have my doubts that becoming what you so clearly find unsatisfying will solve your problems.
I have seen how happy you can be as yourself, and how sad suppressing aspects of yourself and trying to be male has made you. We'll still be here, should you ever choose to seek a path to your joy again.
Its ok Michelle. I am feeling slightly better and more intune with my real self. Its just so hard at times when the demons get to you and turn your whole world up side down. I may not be on Susans for a few days but i am iffy aout going back to male... I really really really dont want to go back, but i need time to think. But i am feeling more of like myself within the last 30 mins :)
Quote from: flytrap on March 05, 2017, 07:58:16 PM
This is EXACTLY how it is for me. I have Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and my primary alter is a guy. Part of the time my brain is not me and needs to be a guy. Primary was quickly misdiagnosed as transsexual because of me. As right as switching to live as a girl would have been for me, it would have been completely wrong for Primary. It took 2 years of therapy before the doctors began to understand he actually had a female alter (me) because of childhood sexual and psychological abuse.
I am sorry you had to go through that all. But the thing is I dont DID or MPD. i have had those ruled out multiple times by numerous drs. I dont have two or more different persoanlities, its just in my case the more i let myself do the things i have wanted to for so long and do greatly enjoy doing, the more the brain tries to go further in the other direction. It is as a therpaist said a mixture of internalized transphobia and the sub-consious trying to ''protct'' itself. It is inner fear factor i guess of the unknown. My brain hates change no matter how good that change is. I am curious though are you a AFAB or AMAB and did you transition?
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 05, 2017, 08:05:05 PM
Its ok Michelle. I am feeling slightly better and more intune with my real self. Its just so hard at times when the demons get to you and turn your whole world up side down. I may not be on Susans for a few days but i am iffy aout going back to male... I really really really dont want to go back, but i need time to think. But i am feeling more of like myself within the last 30 mins :)
Ashley, this is very much like what I have experienced. It gets better as we improve our coping skills, and as time passes the mental 'dude in a dress' image our hindbrain tries to concoct fades away, with our new presentation slowly integrating as our new 'normal'.
I learned that trying to directly oppose the unpleasant "you're a dude" thoughts made processing this very difficult, just as you have found. Just as in martial arts, you have to move with your opponent, leveraging their momentum rather than directly opposing it. When you directly engage and oppose, you unintentionally lend the unpleasant stuff strength, making it worse.
Try instead to just let it go, disengaging and just watch it go past. Just sit still, close your eyes, and don't think about it. Focus on your breathing for a few minutes, and just let the annoying thoughts go past without grabbing each one and chewing on it. Breathe in, and slowly breathe out, picturing the bad stuff flowing out of your body, away from you. Get dressed, go do your makeup and hair, and just breathe. It's a thing called 'mindfulness' and it helps your brain learn to let go of the old self-image.
Quote from: Michelle_P on March 05, 2017, 08:18:48 PM
Ashley, this is very much like what I have experienced. It gets better as we improve our coping skills, and as time passes the mental 'dude in a dress' image our hindbrain tries to concoct fades away, with our new presentation slowly integrating as our new 'normal'.
I learned that trying to directly oppose the unpleasant "you're a dude" thoughts made processing this very difficult, just as you have found. Just as in martial arts, you have to move with your opponent, leveraging their momentum rather than directly opposing it. When you directly engage and oppose, you unintentionally lend the unpleasant stuff strength, making it worse.
Try instead to just let it go, disengaging and just watch it go past. Just sit still, close your eyes, and don't think about it. Focus on your breathing for a few minutes, and just let the annoying thoughts go past without grabbing each one and chewing on it. Breathe in, and slowly breathe out, picturing the bad stuff flowing out of your body, away from you. Get dressed, go do your makeup and hair, and just breathe. It's a thing called 'mindfulness' and it helps your brain learn to let go of the old self-image.
Michelle what would i do without ya ? <3
Thats the thing. I have been battleing this for a long time. And the more to the female side I go the better i become with myself. In all honesty since I have calmed down quite a bit i doubt (funny how that word can be horrid or amazing) I will go back to giving manhood a shot tomorrow. Much less a full massive de-transition. I was going to go back this afternoon but the feeling of wrong swinged right in. What i really need is to know why I am so reluctant to all change. Good like transition, or nutrual like ..... well, i guess a good example was when we moved from British Columbia to Ontario, man things bothered me about that move. But the time change was for some reason another one. There was a 3 hour difference and i refused to go to bed until mid-night or even 1 am as it was still 10 out west. the BC time was still on the computer as it didnt automatically change to ON time. When my step-dad changed the time i was oddly crushed. I am using really bad examples that are totally seprate from OP but you can see what I mean haha, i hope...
I am very relieved you don't have MPD/DID. Dissociation is an amazing coping mechanism, but the repercussions of carving the mind into different people to handle the horrible feelings and memories are devastating!
I have a guy's body and my Primary alter is a guy so it works out pretty well. Transition would have been a horrible mistake! I am not strong enough to front all the time. We've been on estrogen medication for just over 7 years. The doctors couldn't figure out why it helped after they realized Primary wasn't transsexual, but chemical castration makes us feel safe knowing we can never hurt anyone the way we were hurt.
Me and Primary share the body and each live our own lives. He fronts 5 days a week and I front 2. Every few months I go out of town with my girl friends for a few days. I'd rather just sit in the backseat most of the time. Fronting is really hard!
My body is tall skinny and pretty flat with a really androgynous face and shoulder length hair, so it's easy for people see me as a girl and him as a guy. Things were really badwhen I first realized I was a separate person. I wanted to takeover and Primary wanted me to go away. But therapy has been a big help and this has been working pretty well for us for about 5 years now.
You are in my thoughts & prayers. Love Flytrap
Ashley, your reaction to moving, and to time changes is pretty much the same phenomenon. It is just that slow learner in the back of our minds, the primitive parts of the brain that maintain our reference of 'how things should be', reacting to things not being the same any more.
Just like with the change in homes, or the change in the clock, we do eventually adapt to it. The difference is that with a change outside ourselves, we can understand that this is just how things are, and let the temporary conflicts go. When the change is to ourselves, as when we get our presentation in line with our gender identity, we know that the change is something we made, and that primitive puts pressure on us to undo it, without regard to what we may understand is best for us. It's the same force that drives other habits, and makes bad habits like diet or nail biting hard to stop. Trying to be a male when we know our gender identity is female is just another bad habit, really. It can be hard to quit, just like smoking or poor eating habits.
Try that mindfulness exercise, hon. Learn to relax yourself when the Doubt Monster shows up.
Quote from: flytrap on March 05, 2017, 08:35:25 PM
I am very relieved that you don't have MPD/DID. Although dissociation is an amazing coping mechanism, the repercussions of carving the mind into different people to handle the horrible feelings and memories are devastating!
I have a guy's body and my Primary alter is a guy so it works out pretty well. Transition would have been a horrible mistake because I am not strong enough to front all the time. We've been on estrogen medication for about 8 years. The doctors couldn't figure out why it helped after they realized Primary wasn't transsexual, but chemical castration makes us feel safe knowing we can never hurt anyone the way we were hurt.
Me and Primary share the body and each live our own lives. He fronts 5 days a week and I front 2. I'm tall skinny, have a really androgynous face and shoulder length hair, so people see me as a girl and him as a guy.
Thank you for sharing that! That is really cool that you trust me and us enough to share you perosnal stuff :).
Also, i was abused to in many ways, sexual, physical and mentally. I also am kinda sure you wouldnt hurt a fly flytrap:)! My vibes I get are you are a non-violent person <3
Tbh that brings clairty because during a lot of when this abuse happened, whatever feminity i had I would shed, reject and disown and become more masculine and manly to show I am ''not a pansy''... Even though I gained my true strength as the woman I should have always of been, it was placed in my head that males are ''stronger''. Tho i never felt I was a different person if ya know what i mean
Quote from: Michelle_P on March 05, 2017, 08:43:41 PM
Ashley, your reaction to moving, and to time changes is pretty much the same phenomenon. It is just that slow learner in the back of our minds, the primitive parts of the brain that maintain our reference of 'how things should be', reacting to things not being the same any more.
Just like with the change in homes, or the change in the clock, we do eventually adapt to it. The difference is that with a change outside ourselves, we can understand that this is just how things are, and let the temporary conflicts go. When the change is to ourselves, as when we get our presentation in line with our gender identity, we know that the change is something we made, and that primitive puts pressure on us to undo it, without regard to what we may understand is best for us. It's the same force that drives other habits, and makes bad habits like diet or nail biting hard to stop. Trying to be a male when we know our gender identity is female is just another bad habit, really. It can be hard to quit, just like smoking or poor eating habits.
Try that mindfulness exercise, hon. Learn to relax yourself when the Doubt Monster shows up.
I guess it doesnt help to that i have OCD, mild autism, anxiety disorder and other stuff but hey, that is life. Thanks for giving me some tools, i will get off my arse and apply them! Like i said, i will do anything, i will even do something to better the world. I just only ask in return from the universe i get to be that woman they call Ashley ;D, i mean ye si will have to get off my arse and achieve it but hey, i wana live the life i have been dreaming of for so many years !!
Not to bother ya, but you have any other tools for my tool box beside midfulness excerise :)? Mindfulness does seem like it will do wonders for me if i give it all i got!
I am glad some of what I said makes sense, SailorMars1994, even if it doesn't directly apply to you. (Please reread my last post as I added a little more after you replied).
Childhood sexual abuse has a devastating effect on a child's mind that often leave a person with adult sexual and gender confusion. I am hoping you can work through all of this in therapy so you can be certain whether transition is right for you.
Ashley, my fallback when I just couldn't get my head to relax, couldn't get into a state of mindfulness, was to run, or walk, or get on the elliptical trainer, put on some music on my earphones, and just exercise. Essentially I would just distract myself, running or exercising until that endorphin rush, the 'runners high', kicked in and improved my mood. It's not a great solution, but it often helped.
It helped me lose seventy pounds of weight over several years, to give you an idea how bad it got at times.
The fallback fallback was to get busy with some physical task, something that engaged my mind and let me ignore the distraction and noise from the Doubt Monster.
Quote from: flytrap on March 05, 2017, 08:50:45 PM
I am glad some of what I said makes sense, SailorMars1994, even if it doesn't directly apply to you. (Please reread my last post as I added a little more after you replied).
Childhood sexual abuse has a devastating effect on a child's mind that often leave a person with adult sexual and gender confusion. I am hoping you can work through all of this in therapy so you can be certain whether transition is right for you.
When i am in a calmer state like now, i see transition is right for me. I know, or to the best of my knowledge know i am not running away from manhood because of abuse and stuff. I dont harbour ill feelings towards males, i just simply dont like my junk, i dont want testosterone to ever be the dominate horomes ever again, i just felt forced to be in man-box. But now that i can explore i feel more free, but the doubt monster likes to make its appearance. bu then i worry about the sub-conious
Quote from: Michelle_P on March 05, 2017, 08:55:33 PM
Ashley, my fallback when I just couldn't get my head to relax, couldn't get into a state of mindfulness, was to run, or walk, or get on the elliptical trainer, put on some music on my earphones, and just exercise. Essentially I would just distract myself, running or exercising until that endorphin rush, the 'runners high', kicked in and improved my mood. It's not a great solution, but it often helped.
It helped me lose seventy pounds of weight over several years, to give you an idea how bad it got at times.
The fallback fallback was to get busy with some physical task, something that engaged my mind and let me ignore the distraction and noise from the Doubt Monster.
Intresting! thanks, i often go for a walk to clear my own head. Or socialize. I find that those help me a lot (especially when with my female peers) in helping me stay me!
Hey hun,
Have you seen family again.? ::) (hugs) hope that makes you feel a bit better. I think the problem has been nailed earlier on, as a survivor of child abuse, we tend to either curtail ourselves by believing we can't do something (imposter syndrome), or we start, and then as things start to go well, we self sabotage, to turn it into the mess we think we should deserve.
I've been reading / working through a few of these manuals on this site (http://www.ascasupport.org/ ), and found them helpful maybe they'll help you too - have a look, but be aware that they might trigger, so wait until you're in a place where you could handle it..
Rowan
Thanks Sno. The thing is i need to work at a more self-help area until I can move to Toronto or a bigger city that has mental health rresources at my finger tips.
On one hand as I have been having a calmer morning and I can think clearer there are those voices from family that I didnt show any ''signs''.. But that is odd as i remember a xmas pciture when I was 3 where i wasnted to be like a princess and was wearing some of my cousins princess costum.... IN FRONT OF THEM!! and there are other memories like that too >.<
When someone tells you that you "didn't show signs" earlier, that is totally bogus. It doesn't matter whether it is family members, outsiders, or even voices in your head. It doesn't matter if you did show signs or didn't. There is no requirement to have shown signs of being trans at an early age. Any suggestion that you are "not really trans" because you didn't speak up years ago is totally wrong.
Just look around the site at how many of us are transitioning late in life. Just based on the people I have met here, I would say that most trans people don't show outward signs until they are well into adulthood, and even then, they may keep it a secret for a long time.
It is clear to me from reading your posts that you are indeed somewhere on the trans spectrum. I feel your pain when you experience doubts, and I rejoice when you have clarity. It is for you to say who you are, not for family members.
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 06, 2017, 08:36:13 AM
When someone tells you that you "didn't show signs" earlier, that is totally bogus. It doesn't matter whether it is family members, outsiders, or even voices in your head. It doesn't matter if you did show signs or didn't. There is no requirement to have shown signs of being trans at an early age. Any suggestion that you are "not really trans" because you didn't speak up years ago is totally wrong.
Just look around the site at how many of us are transitioning late in life. Just based on the people I have met here, I would say that most trans people don't show outward signs until they are well into adulthood, and even then, they may keep it a secret for a long time.
It is clear to me from reading your posts that you are indeed somewhere on the trans spectrum. I feel your pain when you experience doubts, and I rejoice when you have clarity. It is for you to say who you are, not for family members.
Thanks. I am slowly starting to come to terms with that very fact. The fact that they never lived in my head and such. It just hurts a lot tho, even you do come out and they do that. To build all that courage and tell them how you feel only for them to turn around and tell you how ''manly'' and ''masculine'' you are. It was one of the most hurtful things ever tbh.
But you are so right, I need to start beleiving in myself
I am so sorry to know you were abused, SailorMars1994.
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 05, 2017, 08:44:42 PMI also am kinda sure you wouldnt hurt a fly flytrap:)! My vibes I get are you are a non-violent person
That makes me smile. It's part of my job in our System. Protector is the powerful, hateful and violent one, but he has his job too. Balance and appreciation for what each of us brings to the System is very important for people with DID.
Quote from: flytrap on March 06, 2017, 09:31:28 AM
I am so sorry to know you were abused, SailorMars1994.
yeah it wasnt easy. I dealt with a lot of it. My early teen years and the year of 2002 (age 8 ) were easily the worst though :/
Still, I really try not to dwell on the past. Its hard, but i like seeing a bright future :)
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 06, 2017, 08:41:30 AM
Thanks. I am slowly starting to come to terms with that very fact. The fact that they never lived in my head and such. It just hurts a lot tho, even you do come out and they do that. To build all that courage and tell them how you feel only for them to turn around and tell you how ''manly'' and ''masculine'' you are. It was one of the most hurtful things ever tbh.
But you are so right, I need to start beleiving in myself
Part of our collective problem....and by that I mean many and not all, is that we simply macho or man it up to a hyper amped presentation. This is either conscious or unconscious and is a protection mechanism to keep us from being outed. When someone says you're too manly for this to be so, it only means you handled the situaion of your being stealthy in a highly efficient manner. Congrats, you're a great actor.
So was kristin Beck. That was a fine acting job right there...l.o.l. The irony is, what protected us originally, comes back to haunt us in the end. Being an excellent actor in a play and playing a crazy person to great effect, may be impressive, may seem uncanny, may possibly move others by your performance, but it doesn't actually make you crazy. Next time you get that BS from someone, just let them know that's just how good an actor you were. But certainly dont ever let their impression of your performance define you. Or you may actually, just, go, crazy.
True that JenTay! I have been a great actor. Most of my life I never ever did something on my own unless i mimiced someone else. I do have a lot to work on.
I went for a walk this morning and the darnest thing happened. I seem to see a pattern on when I sometimes look in to a mirror and see this ''dude'' looking right back at me, especially in the morning when I am about to shave off my cursed facial hair. I am digusted, but after my initial disgust my mind will litterly try and tell me ''It ok, its not that bad''. And then my mind will try to be open to that very thing that did digust me and then later on wears me out. This is signifigant because as a kid and a teen i remember this happening a lot too. When I knew something really bad, a danger or what not was on the way, or it was already here I would tell myself ''its not that bad, its going to be ok''. I do know that I would take any form of abuse and not break down and even in some odd way, try to find a delight out of it. Could that voice i developed actually be in the sub-conious now and be applying to my dyspoira?
Now you're getting beneath the surface and asking yourself the real questions. Keep digging. You'll amaze yourself. This is not a a day trip. This is the long haul. Like any protracted event, it involves a plan and itinerary. You can't reach a destination wthout a map and a plan. If you haven't created this itinerary yet, its time. It keeps you focused and makes "him" a speed bump instead of a wall.
You are once again spot on. I really do want to thank you JenTay and all the rest of you who have been here listening to me about my little meltdown. I should say, when i make a post like this during a down moment I do not seek sympathy. To be honest it makes feel feel awkward to get sympathy. Its just sometimes i gotta let it out and in hope someone will slap up side the head with good ideas. And I have actually gotten a few. So thank you everyone <3
I also relized another thing to. As a kid I told myself mulitiple times ''Do not question yourself, just keep going down the road you are going on. Because if you do question yourself you will not like the answer and/or its easier to remain this way''. That mantra was in my head a lot, especially when I lived in British Columbia (birth-14 y/o). I remember back then the ''road'' I was going down was the thing that makes me queezy today, being the ''man''. And when i said that, especailly when i remeber so vividly telling myself that was either Jan or Feb 2008, around the time I started to question my gender a bit even though I still tried to be all masculine and was extremely transphobic at that time. Basically I wanted to be like my father for the longest time. 6'4, extremley powerful, no one messed with him. He in my eye was the defenition of strong and I always felt kinda weak growing up, which made me a target to many. But as i got older and started to think more of who i am, i became more suspicious of the male life as it seemed like something i just had to be, not really want to be. Yet i was also afraid of doing anything that devaited from the sterotypical gender binary. I guess i may have some stuff i am still carrying on with me from all those years ago
Again, thank you all . If I am not on this site for a bit in the near future it isnt because i am being a ''man''. I may just need a few days to myself away from here and my Facebook and such to think. You can be assured that because even on a good day i cant go longer then 20 mins as a dude without wanting to cry lol. If anyone has any more imput on this situation or to suggest more tools for my brain i am all ears. Again, thank you all and thanks for reading yet another long rambling post <3
I know i am non binary and yeah sometimes I hate my male side. But I accepted who I was. I have my male moments but everytime I think hard... I tell myself, I can never be 100% male I can never go back. My 100% male side was weak. Being a more sensitive feminine made me a stronger person in a way. When does my male side come out? When it needs to protect Mika. That's how I use my fluidity. Does that make sense?
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Ashley, try some of the mindfulness exercises that are online. You may be surprised at what you discover about yourself once you get your head in a calm, quiet place.
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Hi,
Im not sure why I am even posting after so many wonderful suggestions. And I, for one, know I am not the brightest person here to offer suggestions. Only to say I have been facing those same demons. And they come in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, any time of day. And I haven't been able to stop them completely. But I have learned that they are coming less often now. I have been able to deal with it much easier the past few months. I'm not even sure why, except that I just try to stay positive and not listen to the demons until they give up on me and go away once again.
One of the things I leaned that personally helps me, is to do something feminine for myself that day. Like you, I detest body hair!!! Did I say detest? What is a stronger word for that? Anyway, I make it a point to get rid of all the male body hair I can. From the neck down to the ankles, and as close a facial shave as I can. It doesnt have to be shaving...its just one concept that I find that helps me get over the demonoid period! Something to remind myself that I AM A GIRL!
Lets learn it together, ok? Like you, I am still trying to learn how to fight it also. We can learn together! :)
Roni
Quote from: Mikka55 on March 06, 2017, 02:35:25 PM
I know i am non binary and yeah sometimes I hate my male side. But I accepted who I was. I have my male moments but everytime I think hard... I tell myself, I can never be 100% male I can never go back. My 100% male side was weak. Being a more sensitive feminine made me a stronger person in a way. When does my male side come out? When it needs to protect Mika. That's how I use my fluidity. Does that make sense?
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Non-Binary eh? cool stuff :)! I sent you a PM so lets have a chit chat there ^^
Quote from: Michelle_P on March 06, 2017, 03:02:14 PM
Ashley, try some of the mindfulness exercises that are online. You may be surprised at what you discover about yourself once you get your head in a calm, quiet place.
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I will, I am off tomorrow so i will have a whole day to look up these things. Thanks again for everything Michelle, you are one of my Gaurdian trans-angels on this site xoxox <3
Quote from: Roni-jalyn on March 06, 2017, 03:16:52 PM
Hi,
Im not sure why I am even posting after so many wonderful suggestions. And I, for one, know I am not the brightest person here to offer suggestions. Only to say I have been facing those same demons. And they come in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, any time of day. And I haven't been able to stop them completely. But I have learned that they are coming less often now. I have been able to deal with it much easier the past few months. I'm not even sure why, except that I just try to stay positive and not listen to the demons until they give up on me and go away once again.
One of the things I leaned that personally helps me, is to do something feminine for myself that day. Like you, I detest body hair!!! Did I say detest? What is a stronger word for that? Anyway, I make it a point to get rid of all the male body hair I can. From the neck down to the ankles, and as close a facial shave as I can. It doesnt have to be shaving...its just one concept that I find that helps me get over the demonoid period! Something to remind myself that I AM A GIRL!
Lets learn it together, ok? Like you, I am still trying to learn how to fight it also. We can learn together! :)
Roni
Thanks Roni! It is delightful to know I am not crazy, and i would love to meet someone going through the same delimia I have and more importantly, concur it!! Before we can PM ya gotta have 15 posts tho, so.. get on it <3
cant wait to chat with ya soon <3