I see lots of postings asking for advice, so I figured I'd throw my hat into the ring. Here's a set of photos showing where I'm at now:
https://goo.gl/photos/63eDC4ZzoJEUE7MW9
As you can see, I'm an older man (58), and I'm never going to win any beauty contests, but my appearance as a woman is better than I would have expected. I'm still a relative novice when it comes to cross-dressing, but I learn quickly. As I mentioned in my other post, I have long experience with cosplay and I can make just about anything from corsets to ball gowns to prosthetics.
I am seriously considering HRT, FFS and possibly more.
I have several advantages in this process: first, I live in a part of the world which is very open to sexual diversity; the vast majority of my friends are either poly, pagan, or kink, and there are already several trans / genderqueer folks in my social circles. So I'm not too worried about all my friends abandoning me. Family is not an issue, since I've lived alone for the last 20 years, never married, no children, parents deceased and none of my siblings are close. So I am beholden to no one. (Why this is is a longer story which I may relate at a later time...)
Second, due to my being an eight-year veteran of Google, and success in investments, I'm financially secure and can afford whatever is needed to affect a transition.
Thirdly, I now work in a small startup that is 50% women (it's an animation studio), and as the lead engineer in the company there is virtually no chance of me being discriminated against in any kind of official way. Whether I get discriminated against in unofficial ways remains to be seen, but the folks there are pretty enlightened so I am hopeful.
My plan is to take this really slowly, to experiment with ramping up my femininity over the next, say, 2-4 years.
BTW in the photo you'll notice my hairline. I got 2500 neografts from Dr. Beck a year ago - my opinion now is that 2500 was not enough, as the hair is still very thin just above the temples. Fortunately my MBP never touched the crown of my head.
I realize that I'm never going to pass (for one thing, my head is too large), but I'd like to come as close as I can. Fortunately, living in Silicon Valley means that my not completely conforming to gender stereotypes is more likely to be accepted here than it would be in some other parts of the world, so I'm willing to settle for less than perfection.
I've been inspired by many who have gone before me, but in particular I am thinking of Danielle Bunten Berry (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danielle_Bunten_Berry) the creator of the classic computer game M.U.L.E., who I met at GDC both before and after her transition. A remarkable person who died all too soon.
Anyway, I'm looking for advice / criticism / ideas from folks out there who are more experienced in this.
Hi Tasha,
Your financial resources and social situation will give you a decided advantage should you choose to transition.
Presuming you have talked with a gender therapist and are sure of what you want, the first step should always be facial hair removal (laser/electrolysis). I takes a long time and hurts like hell, but makes a huge difference in how feminine you can appear.
The next step will be starting HRT, since that too takes a long time to manifest the changes, although psychological changes make take place relatively quickly (such was the case for me).
The third step I would recommend for you is FFS. It is very expensive, but you will be able to afford the best, it sounds like. Do your research and find a surgeon you are comfortable with and can agree on what you need to have done. You're right - you're not that far off, and I think you can pull off a very successful transition as far as appearance.
The rest - SRS, BA, etc. is at your discretion.
I like your approach to taking it slow and seeing how you feel along the way. This was the approach I took, partly because of the circumstances in my life (I have children and a soon-to-be ex-wife), and partly because I was not sure I had the courage to transition.
I look forward to seeing you around!
With kindness,
Terri
Hi Terri, thanks for the kind words.
One lingering concern I have with HRT has to do with the psychological changes you mentioned. The last couple of years I have been on testosterone (I have low T) and I like the fact that it makes me a bit more assertive in social situations. If I give up testosterone and switch to estrogen, is there a likelihood that I will become more passive and/or suffer from social anxiety?
Hi Tasha,
Estrogen gave me an equilibrium and sense of self that I did not have before. I think that alone can more useful than an aggressive mindset when dealing with others. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life.
With kindness,
Terri
P.S. I still get pissed off at "dumb drivers" on the road, so don't worry about being turned into some kind of Stepford wife or something, lol.
Quote from: Tasha.McKenna on March 06, 2017, 09:43:05 AM
Hi Terri, thanks for the kind words.
One lingering concern I have with HRT has to do with the psychological changes you mentioned. The last couple of years I have been on testosterone (I have low T) and I like the fact that it makes me a bit more assertive in social situations. If I give up testosterone and switch to estrogen, is there a likelihood that I will become more passive and/or suffer from social anxiety?
I was on t for ed and Peyronie's disease and I can tell you going from very low to 85% of max normal was an experience. I felt more confident like I was 18-20 years old again, but the dysphoria was worse. Emotionally, I felt easier to set off and at times like I wanted to defenestrate people that annoyed me. It's basically like going through puberty again. The thing is, because of the peyronie's, sex wasn't and isn't the same. I went off of it because my prescription insurance changed and they don't cover HRT for ed/low t, but they do cover it for trans healthcare. Same with e. Go figure. After a month, I feel less pep and sex drive , but we'll see. My wife wants me to be on it.
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Welcome to the club Tasha. And congratulations on your newly found acceptance and willingness to explore your feminine gender identity. I would add that getting support is very important as well. Are you attending any trans support groups? My gender therapist once told me that in her experience the people with the most successful transitions were the ones who were able to find support in their social transition. It wouldn't hurt to get involved in the community.
Also, at this point I wouldn't worry so much about passing, that can be a large order to fill right off. Concentrate on blending. Small steps. Over time they add up. Also, from the picture on the left it looks like you might be surprised at just how well you will blend. Especially if you get HRT support. And when it comes to living as a woman there is really nothing like on-the-job training.
Terri: That's interesting. I'm curious to find out more, both from people's stories and from (hopefully) my own personal experience.
Testosterone has never given me "roid rage" or caused me to make outbursts at anyone - that's just not in my character. What it has done is made me a little less of a wallflower at social gatherings, more likely to speak up and express myself. The effects are subtle, and there's probably some degree of placebo effect involved.
It's also very context dependent - I can be quite outspoken and charming when I feel "safe", such as when the topic turns to a subject upon which I am an expert.
Quote from: Tasha.McKenna on March 06, 2017, 09:16:19 PM
Terri: That's interesting. I'm curious to find out more, both from people's stories and from (hopefully) my own personal experience.
Testosterone has never given me "roid rage" or caused me to make outbursts at anyone - that's just not in my character. What it has done is made me a little less of a wallflower at social gatherings, more likely to speak up and express myself. The effects are subtle, and there's probably some degree of placebo effect involved.
It's also very context dependent - I can be quite outspoken and charming when I feel "safe", such as when the topic turns to a subject upon which I am an expert.
Probably dose dependent
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Jane: That is some good advice, I will look into that. Thank you.
One of the decisions I need to make is how I want to present myself. Psychologically, I would call myself 'bi-gendered' in that I have some aspects of my personality that are strongly feminine, while others are more masculine. So one option is to spend a year or two presenting myself as ambiguously gendered before transitioning to a full female appearance. The main disadvantage here is that people might react more negatively to a mixed / ambiguous gender than one that meets their expectations. I myself am not immune to these kinds of aesthetic judgments. But the counter-argument is that during my slow transition I'm going to be presenting an ambiguous gender anyway, the question is whether to try and conceal that or revel in it.
So for example, rather than going out and getting an entire wardrobe of woman's clothing right away, I might choose at first to dress in ways that are suggestive of femininity but also have a genderless quality to them.
As I mentioned, some of my friends are gender queer (including a tall muscular man who likes to wear flowing gowns and vividly colored corsets) so I will at least have some company :)
Quote from: Tasha.McKenna on March 06, 2017, 09:29:36 PM
Psychologically, I would call myself 'bi-gendered' in that I have some aspects of my personality that are strongly feminine, while others are more masculine.
Yeah. I guess in some ways I am too. I often think 'no matter how fast and hard and far I run away from it, I do still have a 57 year history of living as a man that I need to find unity with as well as a y chromosome that all the hormones and surgeries in the world will never remove.' But I definitely prefer living as a woman.
Besides, wasn't it Emerson who said "consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds."
Well today was a busy day:
-- partially came out to my co-workers (sent an email to the entire company indicating that I was going to start adopting a more gender-ambiguous appearance)
-- had a consultation at an electrolysis clinic, where they recommended I use a combination of electrolysis and laser (for the gray hairs and the black)
-- went to a laser clinic and got my first treatment
-- got fuchsia gel nails :)
-- found two pairs of purple Levis at Macy's, and some lavender V-neck t-shirts (to go with the nails) - part of the "ambiguous gender" look I am going for in the short term.
-- The business cards with the name and email address of my female alter-ego arrived in the mail.
Also, I learned a new word on the Wiki here at Susan's: ->-bleeped-<- (https://www.susans.org/wiki/ ->-bleeped-<-) - this describes me perfectly.
OK and the captcha verification for this post just happens to be "AFEMME". Is that coincidence?
The problem with that word is it's disproven concept that has caused a good deal of harm in the community. A better place to look would be our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) for something a good deal more up to date.