I'm deciding what to do about my name. Since setting myself on the path to transition, this is one of those logistical things that's come up in my mind that I have to think about. Lisa is a name I need to jettison. It's one I've used for years for anonymity when on the internet but it's roots for me go back to a time when I was still in denial and considered myself a crossdressing fetishist. The full name was Sissy Lisa. I really want to put those days behind me because when I look back on them, that was a horrible time in my life.
I've begun thinking about a new name but I've had a few people ask me why I don't take on the feminine form of my current given name. My given name is one of those where a single letter change moves it from traditionally male to traditionally female. I have mixed feelings on this and I'm looking for your help. I've made the following list of pros for feminizing my given name versus those of choosing a whole new name. I'm not looking for help making the decision, but are there any advantages to one or the other you can think of that I didn't include?
Pros of Feminizing Given Name:
- Would make it easier for people to remember
- It would be harder for people to intentionally call me by the wrong name in conversation (i.e. people calling Caitlyn Jenner, Bruce just to be a-holes)
- Softens the blow for family members, friends, co-workers as they adjust to my transition
- Legal name change would be less critical (save money, hassle and possible political struggle)
- Could make it easier to deal with past records searches (Job history, legal stuff, etc.)
Pros of Choosing a new name:
- Allows me to pick a name that I like being called that maybe has some personal meaning
- Provides a clean break from the male act I've been putting on
- Makes a clear for when I've transitioned
- Provides a certain to degree of anonymity from people who aren't aware of my transition
- Let's my live to distinct persona's while I transition before going full-time
- Would eliminate the confusion of what gender am I (no "it's Pat" scenarios)
Using a feminized version of your given name is (usually) the name you would have received had you been AFAB in the first place, it also doesn't have any "tells". Selecting a unique name might cause you to stand out in a way. That was my reasoning. Besides I always thought Danielle was a pretty name anyway, still might pick a new one, have to see how I feel about it while transitioning if I can ever get ahold of transgender services... Might have to pick a different group, but this one seemed best around here...
I am not in any sort of position to tell anyone how to live their life through this journey. In fact, every time I post something here (I'm still really new here) I feel like a little league baseball player trying to give advice to Hank Aaron! But the things I DO know are #1- It is solely going to be your decision. Sure, get advice from others. But remember that what worked (or didn't work) for them may be different from you. #2- Make the decision that YOU can live with. This will become who you are and if there is any thought that you may not like a name, don't go with it! You're going to hear that name for the rest of your life. #3-It is YOUR choice and decision and therefore there is no wrong choice. You do whatever is right for YOU!
Allison
There actually is a feminized version of my male name, which surprised me, but I didn't like it. I went with one that begins with the same letter and sounds a bit similar. I thought about other, totally different, names, but none of them sounded like me. I realized that part of my identity is in my name and I didn't want to lose that totally. I also wanted a name that was age-appropriate for my generation, that wouldn't alert people instantly that it was a chosen name.
One advantage of a feminine version of your male name, or a name that sounds similar, is that someone who accidentally dead names you can correct themselves and switch to the right name in mid-word without stumbling. My wife has done that. I caught it, but no one else did.
I, too, had a feminine name I used on the internet that i jettisoned when I transitioned. My wife hated it, anyway. ;)
I chose not to try and feminize my deadname, nor the alternative feminine name to it. I avoid things that are stereotypical with trans* for some reason. Probably because it makes people evaluate me for who I am, not how I fit the trans* mold they have conceived in their minds. Anyhoo, I chose a new name and did the choosing with my best friend/wife. She gave me perspective while choosing, and I really wanted my deadname buried.
No matter what name you choose to change yours to, the legal ramifications are the same: You still have to go through the rigmarole of the legal name change entirely. It is a total blast...really. ./sarcasmOff
People will still call you by the wrong name, too, if they are just A-Holes. My sister is a prime example. She does it to be a Capital B. Period. Would not matter what I changed it to. (I just call her by her previous married name...I can be a Capital B, too.)
You'll be surprised how easy the new name becomes fluent in your mind once you make the change. :)
So this gives me some more perspective and I sense we've moved beyond just simple advantages of each approach. I'm going to do something here that I've never done before and share my given name. Because as we continue to discuss I think the context is important.
So at birth I was named Anthony, I go by Tony. Obviously it would be really easy to simply go by Toni, but some good points were brought up here that I need to expand on. First, picking a name that isn't a standout and is age appropriate. There aren't many women named Toni, it's a rarity. So I guess I see that being a negative of keeping it is that it might stand out a bit.
Someone else brought up the idea that I might have been named with the feminine version had I been born with female genetalia. I don't think that's the case, but now I do at least want to ask my mother what there plan was if they had one, had the doctor said it's a girl.
As I said, I'm really looking for help making the decision but help identifying the logistical advantages of each. Ultimately, as Allison mentioned, this will be my decision. My mother has already asked to have input on it and I've kind of pushed back. I think for me I'm really looking for that clean line of delineation between the male shell and my female reality. But I want to make sure I've fully considered everything. So I appreciate y'all weighing in. If I do change my name, it's important to me that it has meaning to me. I've already begun a list and I have one that I really like which has a strong meaning to me and also would allow me to keep my same initials. A small and ultimately insignificant yet still present connection to the first 39 years of my life.
My name was so masculine it was VILE.. I feminized the first easily enough. My middle name, the one I primarily use, wasn't as easy. Took a while to come up with something that suits me, is pleasant sounding to me, since I'll be hearing it for the rest of my life, and wasn't so completely drastically, different sounding, that people can't adjust.
Most people at work refer to me by last name only. I can't see them needing much 'coaching.' (In this regard anyways.)
In my personal and social endeavors anyone refusing to use the new name it's going to be very situational, people make slip ups all the time. My mother, would regularly call us by each others (my brother and mines) name or even the dogs name.. it happens. (My brother was born an 'Erin' he's been teased his whole life for having a 'feminine' name even though it's actually just a gaelic/celtic spelling.)
That said, it's pretty easy to tell when someones being a jerk. However I'm known for my 'legendary patience..'
My birth name is androgynous and could have easily been used. Actually, my brother asked me why I didn't keep using it as it would have been "easier" for him to continue calling what he's always used.....and that's exactly why I didn't. For me, it's a validation of sort, that family and friends are accepting my new outward gender and they are addressing me appropriately, not "just" falling into old habits. Similarly, it helps my mental state having a new name that isn't attached to my miserable male life.
However, the nice thing about having an androgynous birth name is that it could avoid embarrassing situations in public places (that haven't properly changed documentation), once I do socially transition. For instance, I would hate to be fully transitioned and get called as "Frank/Dave/Phil" in a full waiting room :)
I feminized my given name largely because i liked it and every Robyn I knew, i had great memories/impressions of. Otherwise i would have chosen a completely different one.
I feminised my First name Christopher to Christine. I did this as it was my father who gave me the name.
Rachel is my great grannys name and would have been my name had I been born female and my mother allowed to choose.
My father has so far took my transition terribly. And If he keeps going the way he does I will use Rachel as my first name. I really love this name. And I seen a sparkle in my mothers eye when I told her I used Rachel as part of my name. Makes me wanna cry :'(
Quote from: ChristineRachel on March 06, 2017, 12:03:41 PM
I feminised my First name Christopher to Christine. I did this as it was my father who gave me the name.
Rachel is my great grannys name and would have been my name had I been born female and my mother allowed to choose.
My father has so far took my transition terribly. And If he keeps going the way he does I will use Rachel as my first name. I really love this name. And I seen a sparkle in my mothers eye when I told her I used Rachel as part of my name. Makes me wanna cry :'(
I dont know if I'm lucky or not to be without my parents in my life. Your mother sounds sweet, she really does. :icon_cry:
If my mother was given her way, I'd be a 'Marie' which suits me about as well as my assigned gender at birth..
Some desire to name all of the children after those who came before in some way, typical fear of death/being forgotten stuff.
I like being Robin Angela (Surname)
I like not needing their permission more.
Quote from: staciM on March 06, 2017, 11:33:52 AM
My birth name is androgynous and could have easily been used. Actually, my brother asked me why I didn't keep using it as it would have been "easier" for him to continue calling what he's always used.....and that's exactly why I didn't. For me, it's a validation of sort, that family and friends are accepting my new outward gender and they are addressing me appropriately, not "just" falling into old habits. Similarly, it helps my mental state having a new name that isn't attached to my miserable male life.
This pretty well sums up my feelings too on why I think I'll probably go with a full fledged change. Not that I'm having problems with friends or family so far but it is validation. I think it also reinforces the concept for them that I am a woman, they need to start thinking of me that way. Hopefully help them let go a bit of the old male image they have of me.
I'm FTM, but I thought I'd drop my experience here, too!
My birth name (Madison) was originally seen as masculine way back when, then as time moved on it was androgynous, and now it's traditionally feminine, though there are still some guys with the name.
I spent about two years as a young teenager trying to choose a name, and a lot of the ones I wanted to change to were REALLY unique, and I'd never even heard of anyone with those names. Since I was just a youngun though, I really WANTED to be unique ::)
However, around the time my parents allowed me to socially transition, I had decided on a new name. Maksim, but I only go by Max. Max is pronounced similarly to the first syllable of Madison, and I mainly decided on Max in order to go easy on my friends and family.
Of course, Maksim is a really unique name as well, but I chose it to stick with my Russian roots, though I won't really be using it :P
My dad was frustrated with me going by Max at first (he often told me about how it was a dog's name), but as time has moved forward and my parents and grandparents have gotten used to my name change, it's really not a big deal anymore. My mom was always supportive of it.
My dad still mentions now and then about how he wanted a son named Nikolas, so I decided to use that as my middle name!
So basically, a lot of my name change was catered to how my friends and family members felt about it, though I ended up with a name I really like.
However, this is just my experience, and I definitely got lucky on the family front with how supportive they are of me and my transition. I definitely see the pros in a fresh start with your name, as well as just feminizing your birth name.
I personally don't believe that a transition should be completely catered to others, as this is about you being who you are. But there's no harm in considering other's feelings about it! In fact, talking with your loved ones about their feelings on it while still staying firm about your identity can possibly help them accept it easier.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that there's no harm in asking others how they feel, but it's your decision alone on how you want to change your name.
I wish you luck in your decision. :)
I considered changing my surname because I'm sick of spelling it out letter by letter for anyone on the phone or in a doctor's office etc. My entire life I've been spelling it out for people who think it's something else when they hear it.
Something to consider in your choices, if it's a slightly unusual name you might be spending a lot of time telling people how to spell it. If you don't want that, maybe go for something more familiar/conventional.
My name is fairly unusual. I spend a lot of time telling people "Thank you" after they compliment me on it. :) Go with what you like.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Kylo on March 06, 2017, 02:08:46 PM
I considered changing my surname because I'm sick of spelling it out letter by letter for anyone on the phone or in a doctor's office etc. My entire life I've been spelling it out for people who think it's something else when they hear it.
Something to consider in your choices, if it's a slightly unusual name you might be spending a lot of time telling people how to spell it. If you don't want that, maybe go for something more familiar/conventional.
I thought about dropping my surname also, but as it stands, I'm still on good terms with my brother, and as siblings I'd like to keep the name for that reason. I don't think it's that much of a mouthful, but It's also a pretty common English last name with interesting history behind it.
Quote from: Angela Drakken on March 06, 2017, 02:42:21 PM
a pretty common English last name with interesting history behind it.
Mine's a medium rare English name, except with all the accents we have over here people think I'm saying something completely different and I still end up having to spell the damn thing.
The only person with this surname in the fam I'd actually wanna keep it for would be my late grandfather. Everyone else is awful/would be offended it was changed, which was why I considered it. ;D
Quote from: Kylo on March 06, 2017, 03:22:09 PM
Mine's a medium rare English name, except with all the accents we have over here people think I'm saying something completely different and I still end up having to spell the damn thing.
The only person with this surname in the fam I'd actually wanna keep it for would be my late grandfather. Everyone else is awful/would be offended it was changed, which was why I considered it. ;D
I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours XP
LOL The English/British common wealth are BRUTAL for their regional dialects and accents.. Moving one town over can be like being in a foreign country. (Cockneys/Pikeys/Gypsies..) Even our relatives in South Africa, it gets pretty outrageous.. Neat though ^.^
I have(had) a friend a while back who changed his surname, simply to honor his grandfather, who had a different surname than he had.
Another consideration is to pick an age appropriate name. There are several website where you can look up the top names the year you were born. For example, I was born in the mid 60s so I wouldn't want to choose something like Madison or Ashley, which are both very pretty but not names given in the 60s. While I am not sure I will keep Paula (my wife says I not a Paula) I will choose something age appropriate but also fits my personality.
Best of luck!!
Paula (for now at least... ;D)
I definitely won't be changing my surname. I know a few TS's who've done that because their families disowned them or kicked them out or whatever. My family is spectacular so I think changing surnames would be a slap in the face and I see no reason to distance myself from my family anyway.
I am looking at age appropriate names. The one that seems to be winning out right now is Alyssa. The etymology of the name has to do with a plant that was believed to prevent insanity, much the same way that allowing myself to be Alyssa will prevent my own insanity. Looking at the usage of the name it's been pretty steady going back to the time I was born and beyond. Hell Alyssa Milano is a few years older than me so that kind of covers it there :) I haven't made any decision yet but that's where I'm leaning right now. You folks here will actually be some of the first ones to know, when I do decide.
^ that's what I did as well. Went to a website of the most popular names from my birth year and went down the list until something resonated with me...tried a few others for a couple days and I knew they weren't right pretty quickly.
After deciding I thought it was kind of interesting that "Staci" means "resurrection" ...seems fitting :)
so I just feminised my male names for when I change so its Davina Martina. Keeps the initials the same and if I get called dave then its just a shortened Davina.
Changing one's name is a funny thing. My older brother and my older sister didn't like their given names. (In all fairness, my brother's name was terribly antiquated and subjected him to huge amounts of painful teasing. He was named after our father and grandfather. Sigh.) So, in their teens and twenties they went by alternate names. I have a grand-niece who is named after my sister's alternate name in honor of her. But, after they lived with them for a while, they decided to revert back to their given names.
I, on the other hand, had a more common name that didn't deflect the teasing and insults, but I wasn't as bad with it as it was reasonably common. I never really considered changing it. (But I didn't continue it with my kids. ;) )
I've been a writer and giving names to characters (and even writing under pseudonyms) is normal (for me).
So, when I was looking for my feminine name, I thought along the lines of many who have already commented. I thought I would go with a feminine form of my given name. I even looked up all the variants (and there are a LOT of them in the US and Europe). I picked one that seemed best. I used it for a while in my private journals, etc. But, somehow it never felt right.
The more I acknowledged her, the less the name I had picked seemed right. Then, when trying to figure out a handle for her to use in a forum, my intuition clearly told me her name is Jackie. And she was right. It was exactly right. It resonated. And she was ready to be introduced by that name (in public or in private). It's almost like she extended her hand to me and said, "Hi. My name's Jackie."
And so it has been ever since.
Hugs,
Jackie
I go back and forth on this quite a bit to where it causes me a lot of stress.
I chose Veronica quite a while back because it was one of the few fairly common girl names that I happened to never really know someone who had it...I really didn't want an ex-girlfriend's name...
At this point in my transition, I'm mostly going by my birth initials, which are not VL, I could just continue to go with that, some cis-women go by their initials, though it's more common for guys to. If I did do that, I'd likely go with a female version of my birth name, middle name is going to have to be something else entirely...
...or I could just skip the whole name change thing entirely and really go with the initials thing...not totally loving it, but at least one cis-woman goes by my initials...so why can't I? Would make it much easier...Did I mention this name thing causes me a lot of stress?
Often I wish I had been born with a gender neutral name that I was comfortable with. Who wants to go through the headache of a legal name change lol? My birth name was very masculine with no feminine form. I chose Tara because it was on the top 100 baby names of the year I was born and I liked it. I wanted something that fit my age.
I LOVE the name "Alyssa."
I had originally thought of going with the feminized version of my first name, too, which I had figured to be "Brenda." Problem was, I wasn't too fond of that name in the long run. xD
So instead of go from a name distinctly male to a name that's female but I'm not happy with, I started thinking about new names. I immediately came up with "Renée." Mostly because my middle name starts with an R and I didn't like the feminine version of my middle name either, so I started thinking of names starting with R. :P
When I told my girlfriend about it, she thought it was really fitting, so I was set. :)
Quote from: ImSomething on March 07, 2017, 07:59:37 AMI immediately came up with "Renée."
Very appropriate. In French, it means "reborn".
Another advantage of feminizing your original name is sound signature. When you aren't paying attention 100% and someone calls your name, it's the general sound, like a musical phrase, that catches your attention and turns your head. That obviously can change over time, like if you get used to a nickname that others call you consistently, but if you're half asleep or deep into a book or otherwise very preoccupied, you pick up your name more naturally if it's a sound that you're super used to.
My name does not masculinize and sound the same at all, it's kind of annoying. In fact, I'm leaning toward a new name that has very little in common with my birth name but sounds a lot more like it than anything else, i.e. vowel sounds and syllables. I have ADD and a lot of times it's only people calling my name that can snap my attention out of hyperfocus, so that may be why that particular aspect is important to me.
My name does not masculinize either. That's why my internet name is Tony. My second name could be Paul. Maybe I'll take Paul as first name. Then I don't need to change signature. My first birth name also starts with a "P".
So what are the cons of feminizing/masculinizing one's given name?
I don't entirely love the feminized versions of my birth name, at the same time, I was called these one by the kids at school trying to give me a hard time but I actually liked it, and could reclaim it, and another by a former coworker who was into comic books and got it before I got it...and thought it was awesome that I was a man during the day and could become a woman at night...like Peter Parker/Spiderman etc...I'm thinking about that version too...
Quote from: VeronicaLynn on March 07, 2017, 10:53:59 PM
So what are the cons of feminizing/masculinizing one's given name?
I don't entirely love the feminized versions of my birth name, at the same time, I was called these one by the kids at school trying to give me a hard time but I actually liked it, and could reclaim it, and another by a former coworker who was into comic books and got it before I got it...and thought it was awesome that I was a man during the day and could become a woman at night...like Peter Parker/Spiderman etc...I'm thinking about that version too...
In my opinion...
Pros:
- It gives everyone around you less to mess up and/or complain about if they can call you a similar name (or continue to use a neutral nickname derivative thereof).
- It's familiar to you and won't require an adjustment period. Names are similar to pronouns in that we become so used to being called by them that they become a part of us for better or worse. It takes time to get used to internally gendering oneself properly and consistently and it will take time to do so with a brand new name, as well.
- Chances are, the masculinized/feminized version of your current name will jive well with the time period in which you were born and won't make you stand out for the wrong reasons.
Cons:
- In some ways, it ties you to your old existence to be called by the same nickname tied to a masculinized/feminized version of your previous name.
- It can feel less like an actual 'change' took place and may be frustrating for a period if you're really grappling with the concept of wanting a clean slate.
Quote from: Minyassa on March 07, 2017, 01:25:14 PM
... When you aren't paying attention 100% and someone calls your name, it's the general sound, like a musical phrase, that catches your attention and turns your head. That obviously can change over time, like if you get used to a nickname that others call you consistently, but if you're half asleep or deep into a book or otherwise very preoccupied, you pick up your name more naturally if it's a sound that you're super used to.
...
I will say, from my experience, I don't miss a beat when someone calls my new name. I have also stopped turning my head when I hear my previous name. There are a few that have my previous name, and I used to instinctively respond with attention when I heard it. Partly because I was not sure if I was being deadnamed, or just instinct. Both have stopped. I respond to my new name, not a feminized version of my deadname, instantly and every time. ainsley is fairly unique in the middle of the USA, too, though. That helps...and may be another thing to consider.
My name can't be feminized despite baby name books saying it can be a girls name too. (then again they say Houston is an acceptable girls name...) Thankfully I have never really liked it as I was "blessed" with three commonly used first names that all start with the same letter. I understand that not much could be done about the family name, but what in the hell were my parents thinking?
I really like Estelle but I have always had a lisp that annoys the hell out of me so that's looking like it is out along with anything else with an S sound. Having something simple like Amy (or Amelia so I can be simple or pretentious as I choose) would be nice. There are other nice names like Colette, Katerina, and such but I would rather not come off as attention-whorey with the name choice.
I guess I've always taken names for granted. Choosing one is definitely proving more difficult than I had anticipated.
Quote from: Stone Magnum on March 07, 2017, 11:45:23 PM
- It's familiar to you and won't require an adjustment period. Names are similar to pronouns in that we become so used to being called by them that they become a part of us for better or worse. It takes time to get used to internally gendering oneself properly and consistently and it will take time to do so with a brand new name, as well.
Oh gosh, I'm so relieved to find that I'm not weird because of how long it's taking me to get adjusted to it. I didn't know that was a normal thing and so I would sometimes panic, thinking "What if I'm not trans and I'm just weird?" because it was taking time to consistently correctly gender myself in my head, even though I'm much more comfortable with feminine pronouns.
Quote from: ImSomething on March 08, 2017, 01:47:42 PM
Oh gosh, I'm so relieved to find that I'm not weird because of how long it's taking me to get adjusted to it. I didn't know that was a normal thing and so I would sometimes panic, thinking "What if I'm not trans and I'm just weird?" because it was taking time to consistently correctly gender myself in my head, even though I'm much more comfortable with feminine pronouns.
You're definitely not alone, don't worry. It's just something to which we become conditioned.
For me personally, I had begrudgingly gotten as used to hearing 'she' and 'her' pre-T as possible as they're typically the pronouns that can't be avoided in conversations. However, I really hated it when someone would go out of their way to 'girl', 'lady', 'miss' (etc.) me.
Even still, it took a while for me to 100% stop using the 'she' stuff in my head.