Well I've known I was transgender since early childhood. My parents have never accepted it. I'm 19 now, and my whole life has been ->-bleeped-<-. Severe physical and sexual abuse, severe bullying, schizophrenia, and several suicide attempts. I've never had a real friend or girlfriend and I hate myself so much. I have no resources to get the surgeries I desperately need, and no support. I'm tired of trying to transition and nothing happening. I'm tired of no one loving me and hating my own body so much that just feeling myself move makes me want to rip off my flesh. I honestly don't see any logical reason not to kill my self. I'm going to buy cyanide online as soon as I get the money. I want to live but not in this body. I want this body to be destroyed even if that means I miss out on life. There is no possibility of being happy in this body. I'm done.
One reason not to kys is because people care about you and love you. You will be accepted as yourself when you are a bit older and move out you can learn to love yourself for who you are and find people who love you too! Don't kill yourself it's not worth it! I care about you xx
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Hello and Welcome to Susan's
I have to admit that life can be very hard and horrible. My early years certainly where with abuse, rape, drugs and rejection but I managed to get away and grow. I'm an old lady now but I'm an old transitioned lady and life is wonderful.
When I was 19 I felt like you, maybe worse since I was selling my body at that time to buy drugs. I was lucky, friends found me and helped me. I travelled from the UK to Australia to begin a new life away from family and I made it.
It seems a long time ago and the pain is still there but it is in the past. You can do this, OK you are travelling in the opposite transition but it is the same journey.
You realise that you are now with friends? We do understand. We will try and help.
Love to you young man and welcome to your new family.
Cindy
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Welcome to Susan's Place! What's your name? Here's what I think.
1. You only get one chance at life. Sure there are bad times, without them success would have no sweetness.
2. Somewhere, sometime, somehow you're going to help someone. It may be something of no consequence to you, but will matter greatly to them.
3. If you commit suicide, so help me Gawd, I will track you down and kill you. ;D
So there's three good reasons to keep living. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Actually, you do see a reason not to kill yourself. Because as tired of it as you are, you're still fighting. You're still here. You're still reaching out. That means you have a reason to stick around.
Many of us have felt the way you have since early childhood. I realised there was something wrong with my gender when I was 5, but I had no idea what the problem was until I was 19. In those traumatic intervening years, I felt like the only person in the world who felt the way I do. I felt completely, utterly alone. And I had zero support from anywhere, because this happened in South Africa in the 1970s and 1980s; a society that even today is incredibly ignorant of and cruel towards trans people. The Internet wasn't invented until the 1990s so there was no help available there either. There was nothing. All I knew was that puberty was sending my body in a terrifyingly awful direction, and that it turned me into something I couldn't stand to see in the mirror.
Like you, I was abused. Like you, I was bullied. Like you, I was unloved. Like you, I've made several suicide attempts. I'm also on the autism spectrum (which made everything 1000% worse). I was living in poverty & could see no future for myself. Then when I was your age I read an article about a trans woman and for the very first time in my life I realised not only what was 'wrong' with me, but also that something can be done about it. So I did some research to see whether it was possible to go FtM but the lower surgery options at the time would were woefully inadequate: they'd leave you with something that looks a bit like a penis but without the ability to get an erection, and you'd permanently lose all sexual sensation. That was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make, so I stuffed myself back in the closet and tried to get on with my studies so I could get out of the hell-hole I was living in.
And that was the best decision I could've made at the time. Because the only way to escape poverty, and abuse, and being in a body that you hate... is to get an education & work your way out of all of that. I found a poorly-paid job and I used that money to pay for college courses, because my abusive family sure as hell weren't going to pay for me to get an education. I had to work hard for a couple of years, but I now have several college qualifications & am well established in my field. Those crappy jobs enabled me to study to earn better jobs, and that's how you get the money you need to transition.
You know, I hated my body just as much as you hate yours now. It betrayed me & allowed the rest of the world to think that they were right about me and I was wrong. But that traitorous body became the template for what I am now, more than 3 years into my medical transition. Now, nobody would ever think I was assigned female at birth. I pass 100% and even though there are still a few things I need to fix, I'm already a million percent happier in my skin. I'm starting to feel like a normal human being for the first time since I was 5.
And so can you. It takes time, patience and hard work, but it can be done. It can get better. It will. But you have to be here for that to happen. And you're at that stage in your life where you're going to figure out that you don't have to wait around for people who don't love you to do what they're supposed to do: at your age, you can now strike out on your own and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. So what if they don't care enough to do it? Screw them: you can do it on your own, and the right people - ones who care about you and love you - will come along. You're in a terrible place now, but where will you be when you're 25? When you're 30? When you're 40? Will you give a damn what your parents (or anyone else) might think then? Of course you won't: you're the master of your own destiny. So go grab it. If your life to date has been crappy, I guarantee that the best days of your life are still ahead.
I'm reminded of a cartoon (http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i) that someone here sent me when I was feeling suicidal several years ago. Have a read of that, and then come back here for all the sticks you need.
QuoteI'm 19 now, and my whole life has been ->-bleeped-<-.
I have had at least that many years of my life be total crap. I'm happy now...so this too can pass. Life can be hard. It can also be glorious. You present a long term cure for a short term problem. You're only 19. Things can and will change at a moments notice. Fight the good fight and 10 years from now when you're the man you always dreamed of being, you'll wonder how these thoughts you're having today ever occurred to you. But if you do something dire, none of that can happen. There's plenty of time to be dead, plenty. But once the decision is made, there's no taking it back. You can kill yourself any old day. You deserve better. You may not see it now, but if you give yourself a chance, it will get a lot better. I promise.
Quote from: FtMtrash on March 10, 2017, 01:05:57 AM
Well I've known I was transgender since early childhood. My parents have never accepted it. I'm 19 now, and my whole life has been ->-bleeped-<-. Severe physical and sexual abuse, severe bullying, schizophrenia, and several suicide attempts. I've never had a real friend or girlfriend and I hate myself so much. I have no resources to get the surgeries I desperately need, and no support. I'm tired of trying to transition and nothing happening. I'm tired of no one loving me and hating my own body so much that just feeling myself move makes me want to rip off my flesh. I honestly don't see any logical reason not to kill my self. I'm going to buy cyanide online as soon as I get the money. I want to live but not in this body. I want this body to be destroyed even if that means I miss out on life. There is no possibility of being happy in this body. I'm done.
Hey dude, really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. You probably don't need someone else giving you the "it gets better" spiel so I won't give it. When I was a kid/teenager I had similar circumstances as you dealing with abuse and bullying at home and at school. Basically told myself I wouldn't make it to 20. I've dealt with major depression most of my life and have hit some pretty low ground, and I know that people telling me that things got better for them didn't mean much at all to me. So yeah, you really don't need to feel that way, and whatever you are feeling is legit. We all think that our pain is worse than anyone else's pain because it really is. We're the ones feeling it and living it. Especially as a teenager it can often feel like you have no power to change anything. It really sucks, man, and I'm truly sorry you're in so much pain right now.
Anyway, just wanted to say that by coming here you have a place to unload everything that's weighing on you. Whenever you want to talk there are folks here to listen.
Im really sorry, dude.
I really want to take care of people like you and show you there's a chance, but you yourself have to be willing to take it. We all have felt pain like you have felt to any extent so it always helps to latch on to those that will be your support, it has helped me for years and years.
If youre ninteen, youre an adult now. Nobody can make you do anything, you can break away and be homeless if it takes you away from a corrupt and harmful environment. You can live and be free. Get a job, go to school, start building yourself slowly. There's some things you can do. In my experience hormones arent expensive. Its...doable. Its very doable you just have to look for ways to do them and go for it.
I dont like making friends from people out of pity, but I do want to help. If you want you can PM me and we can discuss where you are, maybe I can...I dont know, give some advice based on what I know based on your situation?
We have the same hurts and feelings that Im right there with you, take care...please discuss your feelings with people before you do anything, okay?
There is no good reason to kill yourself. I wanted to when I was in my thirties. I had lost the love of my life. My gender confusion led to divorce. I remarried, but treated my new wife with contempt. I started doing cocaine to make me feel better. Then my Son was born. It took another year to realize my blessings, but my son made that happen. I eventually reformed. The dysphoria never went away and lo and behold at 64 I finally confronted what I knew was wrong all along. I am female in a male body. My brain formed under the influence of massive doses of female hormones while in utero. I felt there was no way to make things better. The good news is I am now 7 months on HRT. My children are well functioning human beings with compassion and logic. Lastly my new wife has been with me for 35 years. I no longer treat her with contempt. I praise her for her courage to accept me. Maybe you need to join a Transgender social club, It has made a large difference in how I view myself.
They say a friend is just and enemy you know very well. Death has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. His heartless impartiality still fills me with grief but I no longer fear him. I know he will take me one day. And when my world seems hopeless, trusting in his compassionate mercy has always kept me going.
Welcome to Susan's Place. When I was 13, I felt dysphoria for the first time. There were two places that treated transsexuals in the United States, I knew of one but neither was near me nor could we have afforded it and they wouldn't touch me until I was 18. At 23 I reached the point I needed to try something and I was pretty much where you are now. I came out, did local therapy in which the therapist told me there wasn't much he could do. After a couple of years I moved 400 miles to California and it wasn't until I reach 30 that I was able to receive surgery. You have a path to treatment that is much shorter than mine if you are willing to take it. It will be a lot of work but it can be done and we are here to help you find it. All you need to do is take the path of life. I for one am very glad I decided on life because it was worth the trouble I had to face.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're hurting and that you've been through so many terrible things. I'm glad, though, that you've found us all here at Susan's, and that you've reached out. There's some really awesome guys here who are happy to help and listen. Many have had really rough journeys like you who get it. Keep in mind there's also the Trans Lifeline if don't know it already: https://www.translifeline.org/ but reach out to guys here and we'll listen.
From my view, as someone who's spitting distance from 40, I've got to admit I'm a bit envious that you had the knowledge you were trans at a young age, to recognise this very important thing about your identity. And now that you're 19, you're free to go elsewhere from the suffering you've endured--go to a new town/state/country and start fresh. Make the friends who become your family. Because you've lived a lifetime of abuse doesn't mean it needs to continue like that. You write very well and are very insightful, and there's all kinds of career paths where these things would be valued.
As for me, I always knew something was different about me, but it took me till this past year to put the pieces together that I'm trans. I suffered various abuses and traumas as a kid, but not in my very earliest childhood. Some of my earliest memories were being put under by a doctor for surgery when I was 3, and him asking me if I wanted the red balloon or the pretty dolly. I remember really wanting to tell him that dollies were stupid but that's about when I passed out. A couple years after that, my dad found me beating a doll against the side of a house and swearing like a sailor. I had a very proper family so this was a bit of a shock to them. :)
I definitely didn't have the words then or the concept of being trans, but something was really wrong. I've had a lifetime of depression and mental illness and so forth. But recognising this truth about myself, and realising that there's a lot of us are on the same journey made a huge difference for me. So I hope you'll reach out to us here.
Hey....we'd all love to hear you're okay. It'd be cool if you posted up and let us all know you're hanging in there. We really do want to support you. Let is know you're good.
I will give you one reason.
I love you.
I need people like you in the world to help balance me.