Hello!
I'm D, a thirtysomething who has been rolling questions of gender around for a few years now, and still isn't sure what to make of it all.
Yes, I know this is a first post (actually signed up to firstly seek advice about this subject in particular) and yes I'm pretty sure you also get folks asking "Am I trans/not trans?" here a lot. It is, I would have thought, one of the more common topics on this particular forum as it is such a thorny, complex and above all important question.
But here I am, asking for opinions.
So, my story.
The idea of questioning my gender and wondering about the exact nature of it has been something I'd not really considered in any serious manner up until a few years ago. However...there had been odd occasions in the past where I'd looked at womens clothing in admiration, pretty much from puberty onwards. An interest for various clothing (whether it was leather, latex or some other material of a similar type) was one of the earliest interests I developed, and I thoroughly enjoyed (and still enjoy) collecting pictures of models wearing it. Also, there had been a rare one or two occasions where the opportunity to put on a pair of knee boots had presented itself, and doing so had given me a massive rush. And I remember seeing a leather jacket/skirt combo on sale in my teens and thinking..."I'd like to try that on...". (Was a one-time thing as far as I remember though.)
But, until recently, I had thought that my interest had been in the clothing from an aesthetic perspective alone, and from not wearing it myself (that one occasion above aside).
Until a rather unconnected discovery and reading a couple of passages from a rather well-known book linking the two gave me some new insights, and began my questioning.
(I hope what follows is acceptable for this area of the forum.)
For the longest time, when I had engaged in stimulation, my fantasies had run the gamut. As my different inclinations grew, so did the varying numbers of fantasies. But there had always been a pretty constant element within each differing fantasy.
The main protagonists had always appeared to be ciswomen. No cisblokes involved whatsoever. Every single time I had..done the thing, the fantasy had involved all ciswomen.
Mostly, I thought this was pretty typical male fantasy territory (because Girl on Girl is Hot, right?). However, as time passed by, the structure of the fantasies began to shift. I imagined not just being an imaginary voyeur for what was going on...but actually being in the body of one of the women involved, regardless of the fantasy. Transformation played a part in this too...becoming a woman, or even an item of womans clothing for a dominant lady to wear, began to have a real appeal to me.
And then I came across a rather interesting passage from the acclaimed trans woman author Julia Serano in her book Whipping Girl. It said, "Every trans person I've spoken with about this - whether MTF, FTM, homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual - has said that their fantasies involve at some level being in the appropriately sexed body."
That struck a chord. It seemed that the way I fantasised was pretty typical of a lot of the trans population. Or...at the very least, I fantasised in a similar way to a trans woman.
Within the same book, there was another passage too.
"I do believe that it is possible for cissexuals to catch a glimpse of their subconscious sex. When I do presentations on trans issues, I try to accomplish this by asking the audience a question: If I offered you ten million dollars under the condition that you live as the other sex for the rest of your life, would you take me up on the offer? While there is often some wiseass in the audience who will say Yes, the vast majority of people shake their heads to indicate No. Their responses clearly have nothing to do with gender privileges, because both women and men, queers and straights insist that they wouldn't be willing to make that change. When I ask individuals why they answered no, they usually get a bit flustered at first, as if they are at a loss for words. Eventually, they end up saying something like, Because I just am a woman (or man), or, It just wouldn't be right."
I remember reading that passage, and thinking I'd say yes. In a heartbeat. Which, I've been told, is pretty telling in itself.
And that was coupled with a continuing interest in female clothing. Thanks to a very good friend, I have been able to indulge this need recently. The response of my mind to this, has been interesting. Though wearing items of female clothing didn't give me the sense of 'rightness' that I have seen many trans authors anecdote about, wearing them felt normal. Like wearing any other item of clothing.
Another thing that I have thought about is given the fear I have regarding attitudes of certain parts of the public towards transfolk, that if I really wanted to transition I would wish to do it in a way that meant I passed 99.9% of the time in public. Now...I'm not sure if that particular aspect is a fear of transitioning, or just a fear of what other people think and not appearing "right" to them (in their own slanted view, of course).
Now, all of the above could be explained away by the simple need to crossdress to satisfy an urge, and I have had little sense of the feeling of what many others would call dysphoria (in the sense of depression, angst or other negativity towards my body) also, and the urge to adopt a woman persona does come and go. There is still a sense of something holding me back - whether it's denial, or a sense of confusion, or that I don't 'fit the bill'...I simply don't know.
Which is what has led me here, to seek advice from people who have already perhaps experienced what I have, and if not to seek an answer, at least to get some advice about where my mind is at now on the gender spectrum based on similar experiences of others.
I have watched a lot of YouTube videos, read a lot of blogs about the topic (something that again I have been told is quite telling), and I've heard a dozen times that the only one that really knows is your own self...but to be honest I've been rolling this question around in my head for a while now and I'm still not really close to an answer.
So...while I know you can't (and shouldn't) tell me flat out whether or not I'm trans or something different, I'd at least appreciate some advice on my experiences and what the learned people here think of them as per this topic. I know there isn't a strict match-them-up checklist that you have to go through (nor should there be) but I would be interested in hearing if my experience tallies at all.
Thanks in advance. If you have any further questions to ask me regarding this in order to further advise me, please fire away and I'll do my best.
And thanks also in advance for the welcome. It's very good to sign up and be on here at last, and I hope to post more as I discover more about my identity.
D.
Hi D, and welcome.
The consensus is most cis folk don't question their gender. Why would they if they weren't trans? I'm not sure how scientific this is, but seems to make sense in it's simplicity.
I wish you well with your explorations :) There are plenty of learned, experienced people here to draw advice from. Have fun.
Shy
Quote from: Shy on March 11, 2017, 10:20:44 AM
Hi D, and welcome.
The consensus is most cis folk don't question their gender. Why would they if they weren't trans? I'm not sure how scientific this is, but seems to make sense in it's simplicity.
I wish you well with your explorations :) There are plenty of learned, experienced people here to draw advice from. Have fun.
Shy
Hello Shy, and thank you! :)
That does seem to be the consensus, doesn't it? However, I'm also interested in the other factors mentioned, too!
I hope I can get some advice while I'm here, and thanks again. All the best!
D.
Welcome to Susan's Place. We follow fair usage on this site and to conform to that, it's best to include the name of the book or publication in order to give proper credit when quoting text.
I have viewed many introductions as well as had discussions with many people and there is no reason to believe you are not transgender. The complexity comes in determining exactly what flavor to transgender you are because the approaches to life can be greatly different. There are a couple of links you should look at if you haven't already. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) which will show you the diversity of the term transgender. The second link is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where a gender therapist will walk you through the discussion of transsexualism. Feel free to ask any questions you might have and we will do our best to answer them.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
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Quote from: Dena on March 11, 2017, 11:13:10 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. We follow fair usage on this site and to conform to that, it's best to include the name of the book or publication in order to give proper credit when quoting text.
I have viewed many introductions as well as had discussions with many people and there is no reason to believe you are not transgender. The complexity comes in determining exactly what flavor to transgender you are because the approaches to life can be greatly different. There are a couple of links you should look at if you haven't already. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) which will show you the diversity of the term transgender. The second link is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where a gender therapist will walk you through the discussion of transsexualism. Feel free to ask any questions you might have and we will do our best to answer them.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Thank you, Dena!
I do believe I included the name and title of the book within my post in order to give credit, but if I need to make that more explicit I certainly shall.
Thank you for the additional links. I have seen some of the YouTube clips on that particular channel and I shall browse the Wiki to find out more.
I guess the question I'm really looking for is "Do my experiences match those of trans women in this community?" I know that doesn't lead to a hard and fast definition either way, but hearing about that might help.
Hi D,
I am Jeanette, I have appointed myself as an unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. ( I have to leave official greetings to the admins and moderators) I see that Dena has already provided you with the official greeting.
Welcome to Susan's!! Come on in and get comfortable. I see you are a proficient reader so please feel free to peruse the literature and forums provided here.
I'm 64, recently discovered MtF, and HRT pill popper. I started transitioning last December as almost a spur of the moment thing. (Spur of the moment actually in the making for 50 years or so w/o me ever considering it.) I should have suspected I was trans all along but think I shall plead ignorance of it. One thing I did know, I liked to wear girl's / women's clothes. At first there was a definite sexual aspect to it. Along with that was the almost crippling guilt of knowing I was doing something wrong, and that there was something very wrong with me. It didn't stop me though. Throw in with it those feelings that I felt good wearing female things and a reoccurring desire to have been born a girl and you have dysphoria. More specifically gender dysphoria. It is one of the requirements the professionals say is needed to be diagnosed with being trans. Of course I didn't know any of this at the time and was content (and discontent) in practicing my deviant behavior. Right up to the time I decided to start HRT.
The decision was easy for me. I didn't really even have to think about it. I saw, I got, I swallowed. NOT the recommended action plan mind you, but I have been known to do things backwards before. But I am doing it "right" now. Doctor, tests, prescribed HRT meds, and Monday I'm talking with a gender therapist.
What does my experience have to do with yours? Nothing except to illustrate the differences we can have and still be trans. Where you liked and admired women's clothes I wanted to be the woman in them. When having sex with my ex I wanted the passive role and fantasized I was the female. I was never aggressive in the pursuit of girls, rather I tended to treat them with respect. If I told you I wanted to get into their pants it would be true, but from the point of view that I wanted to wear them more that have sex. Not a very masculine image is it?
My own dysphoria was subtle. I believed I was "just a crossdresser" and I had that BAD and it really wasn't enough. I think it pacified and appeased the dysphoria monster in me for many, many years. Though in hindsight I think it was doing me damage the whole time invading and disrupting almost every aspect of my life as it is still doing now.
I hope my story helps put your story in some sort of perspective and is of help to you D.
Best wishes and Hugs,
Jeanette
Thank you! I'm kind of awkward and also a whole lot younger than you, but I get your story and despite being the other way around I understand how you felt and still feel. I'm not completely sure that I'm not just going through a teenage phase, but I do know that I can find out though I'm very close to just saying that I am definitely a transgender. Anyways, good luck and thank you again. [emoji2]
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 11, 2017, 12:03:21 PM
Hi D,
I am Jeanette, I have appointed myself as an unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. ( I have to leave official greetings to the admins and moderators) I see that Dena has already provided you with the official greeting.
Welcome to Susan's!! Come on in and get comfortable. I see you are a proficient reader so please feel free to peruse the literature and forums provided here.
I'm 64, recently discovered MtF, and HRT pill popper. I started transitioning last December as almost a spur of the moment thing. (Spur of the moment actually in the making for 50 years or so w/o me event considering it.) I should have suspected I was trans all along but think I shall plead ignorance of it. One thing I did know, I liked to wear girl's / women's clothes. At first it there was a definite sexual aspect to it, Along with that was the almost crippling guilt of knowing I was doing something wrong, and that there was something very wrong with me. It didn't stop be though. Throw in with it those feeling that I felt good wearing female thing and a reoccurring desire to have been born a girl and you have dysphoria. More specifically gender dysphoria. It one of the requirements the professionals say is needed to be diagnosed with being trans. Of course I didn't know any of this at the time and was content (or discontent) in practicing my deviant behavior. Right up to the time I decided to start HRT.
The decision was easy for me. I didn't really even have to think about it. I saw, I got, I swallowed. NOT the recommended action plan mind you, but I have been known to do things backwards before. I am doing it right now. Doctor, tests, prescribed HRT meds, and Monday talking with a gender therapist.
What does my experience have to do with yours? Nothing except to illustrate the differences we can have and still be trans. Where you liked and admired women's clothes I wanted to be the woman in them. When having sex with my ex I wanted the passive role and fantasized I was the female. I was never aggressive in the pursuit of girls, Rather I tended to treat them with respect. If I told you I wanted to get into their pants it would be true but from the point of view that I wanted to wear them more that have sex. Not a very masculine image is it?
My own dysphoria was subtle. I believed I was "just a crossdresser" and I had that BAD and it really wasn't enough. I think it pacified and appeased the dysphoria monster in me for many, many years. Though in hindsight I think it was doing me damage the whole time invading and disrupting almost every aspect of my life as it is still doing now.
I hope my story helps put your story in some sort of perspective and is of help to you D.
Best wishes and Hugs,
Jeanette
Thank you for the welcome, Jeanette. What you have said is very interesting - more food for thought! (The penultimate paragrpah in particular strikes a chord - passive during sex, wanting to be the woman in them etc.)
Quote from: D_Wrex on March 11, 2017, 11:47:49 AM
I guess the question I'm really looking for is "Do my experiences match those of trans women in this community?" I know that doesn't lead to a hard and fast definition either way, but hearing about that might help.
Everybody's experiences are different but there is a discomfort with one's self which is common to all of us. Yes you are showing signs of that discomfort. In addition, we develop transdar. This is a sense where we feel the trans in another. Once in a while we get a new member that I can't detect that however I feel that in you. Not scientific but to me it means you are here to explore your feelings and you have come to the right place.
We have members who sometimes wonder if they are trans enough. I don't believe in varying degrees and think you are trans or CIS. In other words, if you think you might be trans, you are and I suspect in a few weeks on this site, you will come to the same conclusion.
Hi D :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Quote from: V M on March 11, 2017, 04:00:14 PM
Hi D :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thank you! Hope to enjoy myself and hopefully find out more about myself here.
Hi D,
I'm fairly new myself here. I'm 28. And this part of your introduction definitely spoke to me:
Quote from: D_Wrex on March 11, 2017, 09:34:59 AM
Now, all of the above could be explained away by the simple need to crossdress to satisfy an urge, and I have had little sense of the feeling of what many others would call dysphoria (in the sense of depression, angst or other negativity towards my body) also, and the urge to adopt a woman persona does come and go. There is still a sense of something holding me back - whether it's denial, or a sense of confusion, or that I don't 'fit the bill'...I simply don't know.
This is also my case. I don't feel depressed or negative towards my body, but at the same time I don't feel like A MAN. I don't feel 100% comfortable in this role/body yet I don't hate it. So it also confuses me and makes me hold back.
You're definitely not alone! (And I'm so glad I'm not either).
I've spent 65 years in this conundrum and all I can add is that I have found a good therapist can help.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 16, 2017, 02:34:50 PM
Hi D,
I'm fairly new myself here. I'm 28. And this part of your introduction definitely spoke to me:
This is also my case. I don't feel depressed or negative towards my body, but at the same time I don't feel like A MAN. I don't feel 100% comfortable in this role/body yet I don't hate it. So it also confuses me and makes me hold back.
You're definitely not alone! (And I'm so glad I'm not either).
Thanks for telling me this. What you feel is pretty much identical to mine! So yes, the confusion is palpable, isn't it?
It's a want for a different body, not a dislike for this one. I think.
Quote from: D_Wrex on March 17, 2017, 09:32:59 AM
Thanks for telling me this. What you feel is pretty much identical to mine! So yes, the confusion is palpable, isn't it?
It's a want for a different body, not a dislike for this one. I think.
That's a great way to explain it.
I am going to apologize for this ahead of time. I think I know a relative of yours. I believe the name was T_Wrex. Lovely character, very short arms. Big appetite. I am so ashamed, but I couldn't resist! LOL
I do have something constructive to add. I think it is worth keeping in mind the things one must overcome to come to the conclusion one is trans and desirous of transition. First of all, you grow up with an image that the whole world knows you as. You may want or find you need a change from that, but it is pretty hard to abandon the safety of that image. You could go from what is known, to everything being not so familiar (in many ways.) Transitioning means every relationship you have in the world could be at risk. In places you could face discrimination, weird looks, and violence. The world heaps on guilt as we grow up. "I feel this desire, I must follow my desire, no I can't, yes I must"... and on and on. "People will think terribly of me." It is genuinely hard to separate the external reasons not to transition from any internal ones. Many times people list the fears of what will happen in the outside world as reasons they aren't trans. It takes a lot to weed out the fears and know what your mind needs, what is best for your sanity. I looked at all the external fears. I was blinded by my shame and guilt from my upbringing. I somehow, in my case through desperation, realized the shame and guilt were the lies and being trans was pleasant, comfortable and true. Admitting that truth saved me, ended my turmoil. What to do about my truth? Well that's where I transitioned and faced the fears of the outside world.
Practical advice? I would say a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend even as a start to bounce things off of. I also think actual life experiences gives a lot of information. (Keep in mind you will be uncomfortable at first most likely.) Bottom line is, I never hear of trans feelings ever going away. You would be better to explore than to run. I wasted so much time running. Good luck. My name is Moni but you can call me T_Moni if you must. :)
I hope I haven't given the impression that transitioning is horrible. Most don't passes all the time. It is part of the deal. It is doable though. For me it is the best thing ever because I live who I really am. It floors me how good it is.
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 17, 2017, 08:34:31 PM
I am going to apologize for this ahead of time. I think I know a relative of yours. I believe the name was T_Wrex. Lovely character, very short arms. Big appetite. I am so ashamed, but I couldn't resist! LOL
I do have something constructive to add. I think it is worth keeping in mind the things one must overcome to come to the conclusion one is trans and desirous of transition. First of all, you grow up with an image that the whole world knows you as. You may want or find you need a change from that, but it is pretty hard to abandon the safety of that image. You could go from what is known, to everything being not so familiar (in many ways.) Transitioning means every relationship you have in the world could be at risk. In places you could face discrimination, weird looks, and violence. The world heaps on guilt as we grow up. "I feel this desire, I must follow my desire, no I can't, yes I must"... and on and on. "People will think terribly of me." It is genuinely hard to separate the external reasons not to transition from any internal ones. Many times people list the fears of what will happen in the outside world as reasons they aren't trans. It takes a lot to weed out the fears and know what your mind needs, what is best for your sanity. I looked at all the external fears. I was blinded by my shame and guilt from my upbringing. I somehow, in my case through desperation, realized the shame and guilt were the lies and being trans was pleasant, comfortable and true. Admitting that truth saved me, ended my turmoil. What to do about my truth? Well that's where I transitioned and faced the fears of the outside world.
Practical advice? I would say a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend even as a start to bounce things off of. I also think actual life experiences gives a lot of information. (Keep in mind you will be uncomfortable at first most likely.) Bottom line is, I never hear of trans feelings ever going away. You would be better to explore than to run. I wasted so much time running. Good luck. My name is Moni but you can call me T_Moni if you must. :)
I hope I haven't given the impression that transitioning is horrible. Most don't passes all the time. It is part of the deal. It is doable though. For me it is the best thing ever because I live who I really am. It floors me how good it is.
Great insight, especially when you talk about external fears. I definitely feel that's my biggest obstacle, worrying about the consequences.
Hiyah D!! I'm new here too and hope you have a good time and have fun!!! :) :) :)