I'm in New York on business, having gotten trapped here yesterday by the storm my flight out is tonight. I spoke to my wife on Monday once I had my updated flight details and she informed me that her father is coming over today and will likely be there when I get home. She's planning to tell him about me today.
Her father is the one person above all others that I expect to have a negative reaction to this news. He's super conservative, probably alt-right. Listens to Rush Limbaugh and other wild conservative talk radio hosts, voted for Trump, and pretty much spews anything the Republican party says as if it's total fact. He's also a former cop and emotionally stunted in about every way possible. He's racist (25 years of being an inner city police officer apparently biased his views) and has been a stereotypical alpha male his whole life.
Now the fact of him knowing doesn't bother me, I really don't have any respect for him anymore (another long story) so his opinions of me don't really matter. However, what I'm really not looking forward to is having to come face to face with him after he's just found out that I'm transgender and that as a result his daughter is an emotional wreck and probably leaving me. I have no clue what to expect when I walk through that door but I know it's not going to be pleasant. I really don't want to go home, I'd rather just go somewhere else until he's gone. But then I keep telling myself, I need to just face the music. He won't be the last one to react poorly so I need to learn how to deal with that situation. UGH. :(
Remember. He is in YOUR home. If he doesnt like you or wants to try and bring you down, you can show him where the door is.
lisawb,
Is there any chance of the situation becoming verbally abusive or even physically violent?
Is so, first get to a safe place, then file a police report. Even x-cops have to obey the law.
I worked corrections for 7 years and sometimes when you think you know someone, they will surprise you and act completely different. You never know until afterwards.
Lisa,
Omg that is a hard one. I too would find that situation one of the most difficult scenarios to face. On one hand I agree with you about it being something you need to face and deal with, yet on the other my penchant to avoid hurtful things would tell me to run. I'm a great procrastinator at dealing with things I don't want to do.
I cannot advise you one what is the best way to handle your situation, but I do agree with Ashley. You home is your home and her father is still a guest within it. If threatened, invite him to leave and have 911 on the speed dial.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I can feel your nerves all the way over here in Norway.. Well I guess thats just me imagining myself in your situation and tensing up completely! I suppose you gotta face it some time, but I would be careful around the ulta masculine right-wing types.. I fear some emotions and unpleasant exchanges of words, certainly hope nothing more but ofc you are the better judge of character in this case!
Best of luck <3
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. As said above, it *is* your home. Good luck.
Love Randy
You can Co.e hang out with me in Philly! Im stuck here too
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Ultimately, all this stuff is cathartic and cleansing. Once you've made up your mind, the rest of everything to happen is merely a scheduling event. It's gotta happen and I've found sooner is better.
I suggest you call your wife and find out the situation ASAP. Please don't walk into an unknown.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best, reality will be something in the middle.
Thanks everyone for the support. I think I'll be safe efrom.physical harm but verbal abuse is a definite possibility. It is my home and I will ask him to leave if necessary. Thankfully I have an hour drive home from the airport. Told my wife I'll text her when I land and that she should text me back to let me know how it's going. If things are too crazy or he's being a real idiot, I'll just go somewhere else until he leaves.
Hi Lisa, Very tough situation and a lot of us go through it in some form or fashion.
Chin up, its your place and he has to respect that. The heads up from the wife will tell the tale before you get home.
Uhm I would just face the guy and get it over with, if you try to avoid him it will give him another reason to come down on you. Be brave young Lady face it head on. He may harass and not like you but he will respect you and that says something.
My heart is with you, Good luck
Huggs Niki
I think you should call ahead just before you get there too.. Just to gauge the situation a little, if it's really bad your safety matters and don't go.
Otherwise, do as you say and face him and your wife and get it over with.
Wishing you all the best.
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So girl. Did everything go ok :)?
Quote from: Lilly3 on March 15, 2017, 08:06:10 PM
I think you should call ahead just before you get there too.. Just to gauge the situation a little, if it's really bad your safety matters and don't go.
Otherwise, do as you say and face him and your wife and get it over with.
Wishing you all the best.
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I do not want to hijack this thread but I do want to welcome Lilly3 to Susan's and invite her to hop on over to introductions and introduce herself
Apologies,
Jeanette
Alright well thankfully this was another case of me getting loaded up with anxiety over nothing. While still on the plane flying home, I noticed my wife came online. I IM'ed her and she told me her dad had already left (apparently he was only there for an hour and a half). As it turns out things went a lot smoother than either of us anticipated. His only real reaction was to say that he was shocked, didn't really understand it and needed time to process it. He wasn't disrespectful at any time, the only real concern that he mentioned was to tell my wife that she should protect interests in case we get divorced (that's a classic move for him, focus on something tactical/logistical whenever an emotional topic is involved). My wife also took the opportunity to address issues she has with their relationship so that probably also helped off-load some of the focus from my situation.
So I'm sorry for getting all worked up and freaked out for nothing. Still a long ways to go on this one but at least the start is better than I expected.
My expectations were always worst case scenario, Lisa. None of it ever transpired. I actually found I was an excellent judge of character and chose the people in my life wisely. It has all been an unexpected pleasure.
Glad you didn't have to confront him this time. You will yet but it is likely to go better than feared.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thats a better outcome then we all were expecting! Glad things went smooth :)
You have nothing to apologize for. You were facing a tense, unpleasant, (and potentially worse!) situation. We are here to support one another. If we don't support one another, who IS going to do it? I'm glad that everything went OK!!!
Glad to hear. Sigh of relief.
Happy to read that it wasn't as bad as you thought. Here's hoping the next time you see him, it wont be bad at all and hopefully accepts you for you are.
Glad to hear it worked out well
Well crap, while everything seemed promising initially, last night we got the response from him that we expected. He texted my wife saying he gave it thought and doesn't ever want to see me again because he's "lost all respect" for me and fears he might attempt to harm me out of anger for hurting his daughter.
My wife responded that it's not my fault nor our oldest child's (who is non-binary), that science has proven this is real, and that he should be open minded. His subsequent responses were alt-right garbage upon garbage and even going so far as to tell my wife that her mom was rolling over in her grave. My wife to her credit stood up for me and our oldest repeatedly, calling him out on his ignorance and hatred.
Unfortunately, the exchange ended with her telling him to stay out of or lives and have no further contact with us. He's now been blocked on social media and through our phone carriers. While my wife is putting up a strong front, this is not a good situation at all. I've been struggling with guilt over being the cause of this, even though my wife and everyone else tell me it's not my fault. My biggest concern right now is her. The only family she really has left now is her grandmother (who is super supportive of both of us).
Ugh, not the result we wanted at all, but sadly not a surprise.
Sad yes Lisa. But you still have each other and by the sound of it she thinks highly of you and your relationship indeed. That sounds like a win to me. You father in law had a choice and he choice was to turn his back. If he loves his daughter enough he may choose to stop being pig headed and find a way to deal with "his" problems. That is exactly what they are, His problems. The door was open and he chose to close it. You wife will be able to accept that with your help. Hold her and love her. She'll need your support.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Sorry to read that stuff fell apart. :(
I Completely agree with Jeanette. Its not your fault. You are who you are and he chose to turn his back and walk away.
Regarding "might attempt to harm me out of anger for hurting his daughter" necessitates a restraining order. Threats should not be taken lightly especially in the trans community. If you are also in therapy, please notify the therapist of this response and his threat (If he texted it, keep the text!).
Write a letter telling him you're sorry he feels that way and you hope he has a change of heart. Let him know when he does, the door is open to him. Till then though, you don't have time or patience for toxic people in your life. It's simply too short. That's what I'd do, anyway. This stuff often takes time for some people to deal with. Just because he closed his heart and door, doesn't mean you have to behave the same way. You can be the adults in the room. It seems a viable alternative to shutting out everything for all time. Your magnanimity will give him an opportunity to see he's being childish....or not. You're in uncharted territory. All you can do is be mature and hope he has the epiphany. Good luck
He is bad news. He is thinking about harming you for no good reason. Even when his own daughter backs you up he carries on like a snot nosed 2 year old. Shows he cares more about himself then anyone else. Good riddence I say.
I know you have already been told this isn't your fault, and it's not. Your wife is doing a lovely thing to stand up against her father for you and your child. Make sure that you let her know it means a lot to you.
When you know you are appreciated it means that you can give a lot more back in return too, and keep supporting each other :)
If you appreciate her I'm sure she will continue to support you too.
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You did not cause this. That is important enough to say again: you did not cause this.
Give your wife an extra hug for standing up for you. There are few things finer in life than the loyalty of a spouse.
I agree about a getting restraining order. A threat of harm, even a veiled one, is something to take seriously.
Did some research on the restraining order, I'm probably going to have to check with a lawyer. Not sure if what he said is going to be enough to justify a permanent order. I'm also considering whether it could worsen the situation. I mean right now if he stays out of our lives, that's good enough for me and my wife (she's almost relieved to be rid of him). Serving him with a protection order could ignite tempers and cause him to seek retribution.
It is a very good and important idea that I hadn't considered. But like I said, I think I gotta talk with legal counsel just to make sure what the best route is at this point.
Quote from: lisawb on March 19, 2017, 10:43:24 PM
I think I gotta talk with legal counsel just to make sure what the best route is at this point.
Good idea Lisa. Just keep in mind your safety and your wife's is what is important here. Get the feedback and make a wise choice.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: lisawb on March 19, 2017, 10:43:24 PM
Did some research on the restraining order, I'm probably going to have to check with a lawyer. Not sure if what he said is going to be enough to justify a permanent order. I'm also considering whether it could worsen the situation. I mean right now if he stays out of our lives, that's good enough for me and my wife (she's almost relieved to be rid of him). Serving him with a protection order could ignite tempers and cause him to seek retribution.
It is a very good and important idea that I hadn't considered. But like I said, I think I gotta talk with legal counsel just to make sure what the best route is at this point.
I think you are approaching this correctly. The biggest thing is do you really need a restraining order or is this something that is being blown out of proportion a bit. If it is truly required then move forward, I don't think there is enough to justify a restraining order at this time. If violence etc is an issue then yes but otherwise I doubt it. Legal council will let you know for sure.
There would be a very good possibility things are going to get worse with him if you move forward with the order. Maybe give it some time and things may turn around for you.
I commend your wife for hanging in there and being supportive, I would be giving her something a little special, you are a very lucky girl.
Be smart and don't rush into anything, there may be other options to settle things with him or at least put things to rest..
Look forward to hearing legal councils response.
Huggs Niki
I think you are doing the right thing to block him out. However have you left at least one line of communications open? Maybe snail-mail?
I'm assuming your grandmother is in your mom's side otherwise that would be a channel for taking to him.
A restraining order is, IMHO, not a good idea. A piece of paper never stopped physical harm and if you had him arrested it wouldn't be for long, then what? Witness protection?
Again I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring him. Your wife is awesome by the way.
Grandmother is on her mom's side yes. We did leave open the ability for him to call our house phone. Also email and snail mail are still available too. Last night he posted a comment on a post my father made (completely unrelated) basically asking my father to relay a message to my wife. In his comment he was careful not to out me (which is appreciated) but still it was totally out of context and inappropriate. He ain't the brightest bulb in the box.
And yeah, my wife is freaking amazing. She's basically been put in a position of having to defend something that is hurting her deeply and she's been awesome about it. I've been frustrated with her at times through this process (you've seen me vent some of it here) but in the end, even if she leaves me, she's still an amazing woman. There's a reason I married her, I just wish I could keep her by my side :)
Talked to my lawyer today as well as my Therapist yesterday. My lawyer agreed that there's not really enough there at this time for a restraining order, she felt it was highly unlikely to be granted. She also agreed that in this case it's probably better to let things cool down since there was no direct threat of harm, that serving him with a temporary order would just serve to ignite tempers. My therapist of course couldn't comment on the legality of it but also agreed that I shouldn't read too much into his response. Obviously both encouraged me to be vigilant and if any more detailed or direct threats are received, to document them and follow-up at that time.
That is indeed solid advice. I didn't think about it that far. I'm used to people threatening violence then delivering said violence and not even being openly trans and/or gay. The joys of living in a questionable side of town where 65% of yearly murders occur (I don't live there anymore, thank god).
Guess at this point is just a wait and see. Huge props to your wife and her support and here's hoping her father sees through his phobia and comes to his senses.