How important are pronouns to you? I have a younger trans friend who is rabbit about pronouns. To me, I don't care which pronoun is used but still presenting as male. Will this change? Is it an age thing? How many worry about which
pronoun is used?
Very important. Don't use he/him or my dead name, I will correct you.
This doesn't happen anymore but when it did it was my long time friends that were the worst offenders. They never did it intentionally and now after a year of full time I can't remember the last time it happened. Those who have know us the longest seem to have the most trouble with it.
I personally hate it when people use the wrong pronouns, sometimes I have mood swings and go into sulky moods when people use the wrong ones. (This happened on Friday, and it was because my teacher accidentally used the wrong ones).
I guess it's down to each person, but I guess for most trans people, pronouns are important. :)
Thanks. Never really knew because they are not really important to me. Although I am starting to get missed gendered and it's kind of nice.
I won't correct people anyone, I just stop talking to them completely. But I'm completely transitioned, passing, etc. To use incorrect pronouns with me isn't a matter of being confused, it's a matter of disrespect.
I don't see it as a sign of disrespect. Especially if it's not done intentionally. Intent matters. If it is done out of malice then I agree. But for me, I never saw it as an issue. I always try to use the proper pronouns but I guess I also don't want confrontation. So that might be why I don't care. Just trying to understand.
I don't try to correct people on the phone. Voice is an issue.
I'll nudge everyone in the correct direction except my wife and parents.
I need this break-in time to get used to them too. 55 years of male pronouns and female ones are foreign to me.
Quote from: Julieglen on March 15, 2017, 01:25:12 PM
I don't see it as a sign of disrespect. Especially if it's not done intentionally. Intent matters. If it is done out of malice then I agree. But for me, I never saw it as an issue. I always try to use the proper pronouns but I guess I also don't want confrontation. So that might be why I don't care. Just trying to understand.
I look like a man. I sound like a man. To call me she/her/ma'am/etc. is disrespectful because that means they are willfully ignoring the way that I look and sound.
I was non confrontational about it in the beginning, for maybe the first year because I wasn't convinced that I passed all the time. But now I do. There is absolutely no reason to use incorrect pronouns with me. Even if it's friends/family that have known me for years pre-transition. They've had nearly 3 years at this point to get it right. If they can't be bothered to at least try, they are not worth interacting with.
It certainly is important to me. I'm not out publicly or transitioning yet, but the answering to my old name and male pronoun takes a toll on me after correcting it in my head for the hundredth time of the day.
Thanks for the responses. I feel like I learned something new. I guess I should consider myself lucky that it's not an issue "yet" but might be after transition.
Honestly I don't know what to think..to me they are important but I cannot get anyone in my family to use them, everyone I see on professional basis use the correct name and pronouns. I have told my family I will not beat them up over their use, but they need to show respect for me.
I have talked and talked about pronouns and their importance, why they are important and how hurtful it is not to use them...and the further along the journey I go the more it upsets me when they are not used. It seems weird to me that my "support structure" are the only ones who still use male name and pronouns for me.
Sometimes it feels like they don't get it...but they assure me they do...they will use them when talking about other trans women which leads me to think they don't see me as a trans woman, let alone, a woman
Trouble is I am getting increasingly upset with them as time goes on...I understand the difficulty they have but it is just hurtful and really hammers at my confidence at this point in my transition. I think I might have to start quietly correcting them.
Liz
I'm like Liz....I can't get my family or dear friends (whom never forsook me), to get it right. Frankly, I refuse to correct them. They love me, I love them...the rest has no real value to me. Anyone else, I will gently correct the first time, if then, if it all gets passive aggressive? I will metaphorically bitch slap them, hard. I've no patience for it. Wanna be a jerk? I'll be a mirror.
So far for me it is a non issue as no-one knows about Jeanette yet beyond all of you and 4 professional medical types at the VA. I did have 3 of them ask me how I want them to refer to me. My response is to laugh and tell them I'm still Leonard until I look and feel more like a Jeanette. It is all still too new even to myself. I'm still trying to accept myself.
I am sure I will have to flip that switch and be Jeanette especially after I've burned my security blankets by coming out. Until then I'm hiding in my comfy closet.
Hugs
Jeanette
I'm split on the topic.
On one hand I can really care less what word other people use, what they think etc. Especially strangers I will never meet again or meet rarely.
On the other hand, if someone's intent is to be deliberately disrespectful (which nobody has been, thus far anyway) and if forced to see this person often, it would probably have me misgendering them in return.
I'm afab bi-gender M/F, and physically transitioning to part male, remaining female in presentation, but I don't ever want to be called anything but she. "They" drives me batty (as a grammarian) and Xe/Ze, etc, just seems inorganic and awkward. Maybe it's my age (47) but I just can't adjust to this new way of thinking about personal pronouns. I do verbal acrobatics to avoid any pronouns if I am in a situation where I'd insult someone.
I can't speak for my (MtF) husband's inner feelings, but when we came out to our far more modern Millennial children they offered to change pronouns and asked what to call him. My husband told them no, he would still be he, and "Dad."
I try to not let it bother me because I don't pass at all. Sometimes it's a bit frustrating that I'm wearing makeup and all women's clothes, but I am still being a bit subtle about it, but whatever. I don't expect to ever pass unless I somehow come into a lot of money for FFS. Still would appreciate being a she.
The vast majority of the time anymore people use no pronoun at all with me. So I am always left wondering what they were thinking.
Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote
i don't bother correcting people because i don't pass and i'm not "out" to anyone but my family and friends. my friends have no trouble using male pronouns, so it's no issue there. my family refuses to use them, and the reason i don't correct them is because i can't stand confronting and dealing with them. it's totally pointless and i don't need the added stress of getting into an argument i can't possibly win, so i just try to ignore their intentional misgendering and deadnaming and all that crap that non-supportive families do, and pray that i'll finally reach a point where i can get treatment and they'll be the ones looking silly for calling me a gender i'm clearly not. *shrug*
pronouns are very important to me, though, because they're a constant reminder of how others see me. every "she" i get hurts, though there's nothing i can really do about it right now. i see no point in telling people "actually, i'm a guy" if i can't even look or sound like one. it's pretty upsetting.
I hate being mis-gendered. It's normally long term friends or family that do it though, so I understand that they knew me as a girl for a long time. I let it slide. They normally correct themselves if they catch it in time.
Quote from: Deborah on March 15, 2017, 09:55:35 PM
The vast majority of the time anymore people use no pronoun at all with me. So I am always left wondering what they were thinking.
I can tell you exactly what they're thinking. They're thinking they aren't comfortable with calling you by a gender pronoun they don't perceive you as, but also don't want to insult you or be rude. I know, because that's where my brain is. It automatically defaults to the gender I perceive as the person's birth gender, and it is almost physically painful to think in the other direction. And this is after 18 years of living with an MtF spouse.
I look like a Harry Potter with fat distributed in a female pattern (and with almost no breasts). People who know my birth name call me She, others perceive me as a He. I don't correct anyone, and I don't want to force people either, they can call me however it makes them happy. I feel that both He and She are some sort of lie in a way when applied to me. "She" would be the lie that because I was born with a female body then "I am female", which I' m not. While "He" would be a lie because even though technically "I am male", I don't have the body of one, and they are probably thinking of a cis man when they are saying "he". So since nothing will make ME confortable, they can use whatever makes them comfortable.
Online I tend to speak in relation to me in a neutral way not referring to gender. What I do hate though is when someone perceives me as male so they use male pronouns but then change it to female when they know my birth name through third parties. I know they don't do it to be mean, but I consider it insulting when it happens that way.
It hurts when family call me a girl, but what is there to do about it? They'd blast me off into the sun if I told them I was trans... my mom already did... however, my girlfriend is starting to use the right pronouns because I told here and she accepts it. There are good and bad sides.. I can't be out because there is no way in hell that I'd pass. However, I'll be moving out in a few years, so I won't get too hopeless.
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I think it depends on the person. Personally, I consider it important if the other knows what pronouns should use with me, and if they use others it can be even offensive, I feel like they were insulting my own determination of being the person I want to be.