Hey everybody. :)
I had a big long conversation with my mother in which I cried multiple times. Her and I don't always see eye to eye and with being a transgirl I sometimes feel like she's trying to invalidate me. She always explains that she isn't aiming to target me at all, but I still am often left feeling that way. :/
One thing I've been fearful for a while about is how I used to react to feminine things and femininity. I'm trying to change it because I'm finding that I do like my feminine side a lot, but I have for a long time had this irrational fear of it all. It was never that I had no interest in feminine things, it was more that I feared it in some way. Have others had this experience? Could this just be part of an internalized homophobia/transphobia? Sometimes I think about it and I get into this mindset that I'm not "trans enough." :(
I don't believe in trans enough I think that you are or aren't trans and there is no middle ground. As you think you are trans and not CIS, you are trans and there is nothing to question. As for outside interests, the transition normally includes RLE (real life experience). In this you live as the desired gender for a year before surgery. Many people argue about how important it is but I was required to spend a year which ended up about two and a half years in RLE. During that time, I became comfortable in the feminine role, learned my likes and dislikes and tailored my life into what it is today. Some of the things I felt before, I no longer feel, I feel some things I didn't before and some things were brought from my old life to my new life. You are not on HRT or full time so you have had no experience in your new life. Just relax and don't worry about it because your time will come. Yes you will be a little nervous at first but over time you will become comfortable with yourself.
Quote from: Dena on March 16, 2017, 01:01:26 AM
During that time, I became comfortable in the feminine role, learned my likes and dislikes and tailored my life into what it is today. Some of the things I felt before, I no longer feel, I feel some things I didn't before and some things were brought from my old life to my new life. You are not on HRT or full time so you have had no experience in your new life. Just relax and don't worry about it because your time will come. Yes you will be a little nervous at first but over time you will become comfortable with yourself.
I hope so Dena, I really hope so.
Jeanette
Quote from: ImSomething on March 16, 2017, 12:40:01 AM
Hey everybody. :)
I had a big long conversation with my mother in which I cried multiple times. Her and I don't always see eye to eye and with being a transgirl I sometimes feel like she's trying to invalidate me. She always explains that she isn't aiming to target me at all, but I still am often left feeling that way. :/
One thing I've been fearful for a while about is how I used to react to feminine things and femininity. I'm trying to change it because I'm finding that I do like my feminine side a lot, but I have for a long time had this irrational fear of it all. It was never that I had no interest in feminine things, it was more that I feared it in some way. Have others had this experience? Could this just be part of an internalized homophobia/transphobia? Sometimes I think about it and I get into this mindset that I'm not "trans enough." :(
I totally know what your talking about. Yes it is an internalized homophobia. Society and maybe even people close to you put these ideas in your head. My idea of a transgirl used to be a guy with tits pasted on his chest. It wasn't until I started doing the research I learned that just like cis girls, some of us are totally beautiful, and some of us not so much, but not any less female either way.
I also try to remind myself that this is not just strange and new to me, but it is also strange for others that don't know about what it is to be transgender, much like I didn't know. I won't expect my dad to get it right all the time even though I know he's totally accepting of what I am.
Hope that helps :)
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Quote from: ImSomething on March 16, 2017, 12:40:01 AM
Hey everybody. :)
I had a big long conversation with my mother in which I cried multiple times. Her and I don't always see eye to eye and with being a transgirl I sometimes feel like she's trying to invalidate me. She always explains that she isn't aiming to target me at all, but I still am often left feeling that way. :/
One thing I've been fearful for a while about is how I used to react to feminine things and femininity. I'm trying to change it because I'm finding that I do like my feminine side a lot, but I have for a long time had this irrational fear of it all. It was never that I had no interest in feminine things, it was more that I feared it in some way. Have others had this experience? Could this just be part of an internalized homophobia/transphobia? Sometimes I think about it and I get into this mindset that I'm not "trans enough." :(
One more thing. Being Trans doesn't mean you have to be super girly. You could be a tom boy, or a butch lesbian lol, they're all girls. I know I'll get into the girly stuff but I'm not rushing into anything,
Really shouldn't the point be how I physically look? That's where my dysphoria comes from, it's in the mirror, at its worst when I'm naked because I don't see hips, soft features and boobs. :(.
The girly stuff is great but I'm taking my sweet ass time with that. It doesn't even really matter that much if you ask me, there's all types of cis girls, there will be all types of trans girls as well.
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OH YES!
I totally did that for my entire life. Avoidance of ANYTHING that could be feminine so no one would see the real me underneath.
To quote a movie line, I lived by "Keep is secret.Keep it safe".
Thank you, girls. I needed that. :)
I know that there's no such thing as being or not being "trans enough," I just have a tendency to become insecure about myself and then sometimes end up needing reassurance that my feelings are valid regardless of the degree and the time of onset.
LOL have you not read any of my venting and heart pourings?? It is very common, especially when you grow up in an enviroment that doesnt allow for it. It takes time to un-do the damage that had been done. I am going through the process slowly. These things are deeply sub-conious too, you may need to do work on that part of your brain. But you know what? You got this girl <3
-Ashley
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 16, 2017, 07:57:13 AM
LOL have you not read any of my venting and heart pourings?? It is very common, especially when you grow up in an enviroment that doesnt allow for it. It takes time to un-do the damage that had been done. I am going through the process slowly. These things are deeply sub-conious too, you may need to do work on that part of your brain. But you know what? You got this girl <3
-Ashley
Thank you. Love ya, girl. :)
When someone transitions it kind of becomes a clash of images. On one hand you have the old image that you and everyone you knew was used to and (everyone but you) was comfortable with. On the other hand, there is the new image emerging which in many ways is still undefined. I had everyone tell me of the splash I could make coming to work in all these extremely colorful or feminine clothes. I have opted for a gradual metamorphosis. A coworker told me recently that she was so happy that I didn't show up looking like Scarlet from 'Gone With the Wind.' I was too. I am slowly changing things. Sometimes I get impatient wanting to go faster, but this works for me. Those around me are more accepting of gradual change and I have decided that the gradual changes allow for the memory of the old me to fade better in their minds. An in your face abrupt change is much more memorable for them. If I hope for that mental shift in people I work with, this is my best chance. As I go, I accept feminine things or reject them depending on what is right for me. You have nothing to prove. Take the pressure off and do it your way. :)
Moni
Didn't mean to assume you are transitioning but even if you are just coming to terms with yourself, do it your way.
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 16, 2017, 10:32:47 AM
When someone transitions it kind of becomes a clash of images. On one hand you have the old image that you and everyone you knew was used to and (everyone but you) was comfortable with. On the other hand, there is the new image emerging which in many ways is still undefined. I had everyone tell me of the splash I could make coming to work in all these extremely colorful or feminine clothes. I have opted for a gradual metamorphosis. A coworker told me recently that she was so happy that I didn't show up looking like Scarlet from 'Gone With the Wind.' I was too. I am slowly changing things. Sometimes I get impatient wanting to go faster, but this works for me. Those around me are more accepting of gradual change and I have decided that the gradual changes allow for the memory of the old me to fade better in their minds. An in your face abrupt change is much more memorable for them. If I hope for that mental shift in people I work with, this is my best chance. As I go, I accept feminine things or reject them depending on what is right for me. You have nothing to prove. Take the pressure off and do it your way. :)
Moni
Didn't mean to assume you are transitioning but even if you are just coming to terms with yourself, do it your way.
I hope I don't end up hijacking this thread, but you mention how you've been changing gradually at work. I'm curious, if you can put it into words, how gradual? I ask because at least one guide to workplace transition that I've been reading says to not make it to gradual. It mentions that if you move to slowly and don't make noticeable changes that it actually becomes harder for your co-workers to accept that you are a woman (in an MTF situation) and instead end up still seeing you simply as a man who wears women's clothes to work. I'm just trying to gauge the legitimacy of their suggestion.
Quote from: lisawb on March 16, 2017, 10:51:57 AM
I hope I don't end up hijacking this thread, but you mention how you've been changing gradually at work. I'm curious, if you can put it into words, how gradual? I ask because at least one guide to workplace transition that I've been reading says to not make it to gradual. It mentions that if you move to slowly and don't make noticeable changes that it actually becomes harder for your co-workers to accept that you are a woman (in an MTF situation) and instead end up still seeing you simply as a man who wears women's clothes to work. I'm just trying to gauge the legitimacy of their suggestion.
Someone pointed out to me that regardless of how you dress, you are who you are. There is no "boy mode" or "girl mode", you're a woman. Once you've made the decision to transition, the most important aspect is to be you, regardless of your attire. When I heard that, it triggered an epiphany and I quit wearing women's clothing for a time when I clearly could have. I stopped crossdressing. I wanted to know if the clothes played any part in how I was presenting. I found that I still wanted to transition. That it had nothing to do with the clothing. So my point is, if your a transsexual woman, you are a woman and the clothing you wear has nothing to do with it. If it does and you act differently based on how you're dressed....well at this point, you should look at that. Cuz' women don't act male just cuz' they got on jeans, boots and a t-shirt. How you present and express yourself should be female, always. You don't have to pretend any longer. So when you go to work and people see you, they'll start to feel more comfortable as you dress more female because that's what their expectations of you is based on your behavior. They'll eventually be relieved that you are finally presenting to match how you behave. They'll be comfortable with the congruence.
Since puberty I wanted to wear feminine things but I was ashamed. I wouldn't even wear a kilt (I'm scottish), I'd say things like "thats a skirt for men, men don't wear skirts" and I even convinced myself sometimes. I was terrified people would see the real me. I can definitely relate to what you feel. I can't say I've completely shed these feelings, I'm still terrified to step out the door in a skirt but I do wear jeggings and cute boots and girly blouses and I don't care what others think about that now. It has taken many years to get here but it is definitely progress. . I'm still afraid to be seen in public in a skirt but wear nothing else at home. You are not alone and I think your analysis is correct, I also grew up in an environment where such things were mocked and I also think it is internalised transphobia. It can be overcome. Good luck.
Hugs
B
Lisa,
I would get management on board, and make it known to coworkers what you are doing. I was definitely a female, just not one you could pick out in a crowd. It is best to be genuine. Yeah, that's the perfect word. Be genuine with your coworkers and with yourself. Allow time to find your genuine self. No rush, genuine selves do evolve.
Moni
I wasn't afraid of everything feminine but I've recently realized that I was suppressing a lot of things relating to femininity myself.
For example, I've always liked stuffed animals and 'cute things' and no one ever really questioned that because, well, some guys just like that kind of stuff and it's still completely within their idea of what a male is (even if its not considered "manly"). I never wanted to be manly but I did want to be a male (or at least I thought I should try to be, obviously never actually 'wanting' to be).
But then if my "manhood" was ever questioned, like if someone said I wasn't "a real man" because I wasn't living up to their expectations I would flip out and yell at them and simultaneously feel really hurt and stuff. Perhaps that was some of the most hurtful things anyone could have ever said to me, and I'm extremely thick-skinned.
I realize now that I wasn't reacting like that because I thought of myself as a man or anything like that, but I was getting really defensive because I have tried so hard my entire life to try to "be a guy" and subconsciously I always knew I was failing at it. And that hurt a lot because of how hard I was trying to be that person. It always made me feel like I was worthless because I couldn't achieve that goal.
Now I can't speak for every transgender person, but from what I've been reading many of us do these kind of things. Reject our femininity in some way (or reject masculinity for FTMs). They are subconscious defense mechanisms. And once we truly accept who we really are they simply start to dissolve because there isn't a reason to defend our conscious from our subconscious anymore. Sometimes that can take a while, other times it can be as simple as an epiphany, a sudden moment of realization. Everyone is different so keep that in mind.
And it is only natural for us all to doubt all of this. It probably wouldn't be sane to simply accept something as extreme as ->-bleeped-<- right off the bat because doubts are how all people discover their true self, through self reflection on our doubts. And the more extreme something is apart from the norm the more we should rightfully question it within ourselves, because these sort of things require the most change.
Just find anyone who has rarely if ever doubted themselves and I'll show you someone who very likely has the emotional-intelligence of a child . Just look at all those many overly confident politicians, for example! They are all total babies when it comes down to it.
Doubt and self questioning is really what brings up topics we find important to our inner beings and by resolving those doubts and questions with answers we then come to realize, or perhaps even form, who we truly are on the inside. And this brings about real confidence, rather than boisterous arrogance.
So don't worry about it. If things are meant to change for you, they will because you'll simply accept it in the end. And if some things aren't meant to change then you'll soon enough discover that, too. Just take the time you need to adjust and to find your own answers and everything will work out fine in the end.
The theme here is that what you are experiencing is not un-normal, and I aswell as several others point out alot of these feelings are deeply sub-consious!
Quote from: ImSomething on March 16, 2017, 12:40:01 AM
One thing I've been fearful for a while about is how I used to react to feminine things and femininity.
I remember about 10 years ago, trying on a jacket at a store, and suddenly realizing it was a women's jacket. I got all embarrassed and took it off right away. But I also remember thinking I liked it.
So what you said resonates with me. I probably had a latent fear of my own leanings. Now I don't have that problem lol.
Randy
I was terrified of my own femininity for years. The way I walked, sat, spoke, used body language, even the wording in texts & emails were all carefully crafted to not carry any aspects of femininity. To be clear, I think I did a terrible job of trying to hide that part of myself. But the fact remains that for as long as I can remember the desire has been there, I just worked to mask that desire with fear & worry. The minute I embraced that side of myself, the false masculinity I've been carrying all these years just started to melt away and everything changed for the better. I still try to hide a lot of that femininity day to day because I'm not out yet, but the differences are startling even when I'm actively working to hide it. The way I stand even feels so obviously female to me that I feel like everyone who so much as glances can see through me. The difference is now I don't care.
Our culture like all cultures conditions us with various norms and we sometimes exhibit them without even realizing we are and then if you are like me, you look back at what you said or what you did and go ....was that really me?
Sexism and various phobias fit that well. I never feared anything feminine but i definitely felt the fear that if i abandoned all masculinity, i would be in danger some how. As i did rather gradually though, i came to realize that the fear was not based on anything very real. Sure women do face more of some risks but most cis women don't go through life constantly thinking about these.
Femininity is still associated with weakness in our culture, like it or not. People are biologically programmed to not appear weak, lest someone kill them for the antelope they just brought down or something like that. Femininity is not weak though as we all know. Gradually we overcome these biases that are wrong.
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 16, 2017, 11:06:31 AM
Someone pointed out to me that regardless of how you dress, you are who you are. There is no "boy mode" or "girl mode", you're a woman. Once you've made the decision to transition, the most important aspect is to be you, regardless of your attire. When I heard that, it triggered an epiphany and I quit wearing women's clothing for a time when I clearly could have. I stopped crossdressing. I wanted to know if the clothes played any part in how I was presenting. I found that I still wanted to transition. That it had nothing to do with the clothing. So my point is, if your a transsexual woman, you are a woman and the clothing you wear has nothing to do with it. If it does and you act differently based on how you're dressed....well at this point, you should look at that. Cuz' women don't act male just cuz' they got on jeans, boots and a t-shirt. How you present and express yourself should be female, always. You don't have to pretend any longer. So when you go to work and people see you, they'll start to feel more comfortable as you dress more female because that's what their expectations of you is based on your behavior. They'll eventually be relieved that you are finally presenting to match how you behave. They'll be comfortable with the congruence.
I agree with everything you said, and it's true now that I'm out, at least around my friends and family I'm not out at work yet.
Just remember some of us learned to act more male out of denial or fear. It sucked, it was, and at work still is, very uncomfortable. It's a little hard to shrug off after living like this for years. And though I'm sure it will get harder to do over time, I'll look more female but I could act like a boy again.
I also rap so sometimes that art form is naturally boyish. Cis female rappers even look a little masculine doing it.
Slowly the real me is coming back out though. Little things like when I'm combing my hair. Or shaving. I can't wait till I start the hormones oh my Gooooooodddddd! Lol <3
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Quote from: ImSomething on March 16, 2017, 12:40:01 AM
Have others had this experience? Could this just be part of an internalized homophobia/transphobia?
I remember the first couple of days after I went full time (the day after I came out) it felt a little weird. For like 5 minutes.
Quote from: josie76 on March 16, 2017, 07:15:25 AM
OH YES!
I totally did that for my entire life. Avoidance of ANYTHING that could be feminine so no one would see the real me underneath.
To quote a movie line, I lived by "Keep is secret.Keep it safe".
Same here ladies. I tried to be super macho with the fast cars, motorcycles, guns, boats and airplanes.
I know I'm not the op but all the comments help. Thanks ladies!
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I really appreciate the feedback, girls. I look to this thread every time I have a problem with denial and repression. It immediately makes me feel more comfortable with my identity and gives me more strength to push through. :)
I am faculty in a major research university where many of my colleagues are highly accomplished and talented women. It was a major realization for me that I have achieved my own successes in a fashion stylistically most similar to successful women, not via the classical alpha male roles. In the academic environment, this works very well but I suspect being the alpha female (incidentally very different from the male alpha behaviors) is a very successful model for success and has been for quite a while in this environment.