Hello everyone,
My name is Angie. I live in the north east US and I have been using these pages, I believe, since I started my transition in 2006. To date I have had Orchiectomy in May 2013 in NY with Dr. Spencer. In October 2015 I had SRS with Dr. Bowers in San Mateo and then a B.A. in Indianapolis with Dr. Gallagher in February 2016. All of my surgeries were covered by insurance.
I'm now in the process of saving for FFS, which in my opinion is the most important surgery. Had I been able to do it first, I would have.
Although Susan's Place has been an invaluable resource throughout my transition (thank you Susan!!!), I've never been moved to joined. That has changed now because I'm in a very different part of my journey. I feel pretty much completed aside from FFs and yet I've been experiencing dysphoria pretty badly lately.
So, how I hope to use these pages is by sharing my story as well as looking for advice.
So my first "issue." Gender dysphoria. I'm 10 years fulltime this year in the fall and having dysphoria has totally blindsided me. I feel like I'm at the beginning again. I don't like leaving the house sometimes, and I feel like people are always staring at me and "spooking" me. The kicker is I pass and I know I do, yet I can't shake the feeling. I think it stems from having everything else being done yet when I look in the mirror I see remnants of him. It's a strange feeling to have a vagina and dysphoria at the same time. I should note that I'm 6'1 and a former model so people do indeed look. But I find myself on edge. It could be I'm 42 and I'm being seen as my age now. Which is hard. And I feel as I age my transness is a bit more apparent. I've seen in older trans women who passed their entire lives without ffs and get to a certain age and things become noticeable.
Issue #2. Dry, tight, painful when having sex vagina.
That pretty much sums it up, lol! I absolutely do not regret SRS, but it's a pain. Since day 1 my Vag has been tight and it never loosened. I've been great about dilating until the past 3 months. I've travelled a lot and it's difficult to adhere to a dilation schedule when doing so. I've lost about 1/2 an inch. I'm not too concerned because I believe I can get it back. (learned that here).Any advice on tight, painful when having sex vaginas, will be greatly appreciated. I 've actually stopped dating because of the sex thing. My last bf was fine with it. We had anal sex instead. But I didn't go through all of this to be relegated to the back door!
Thanks for reading this long rant.
I'm totally grateful for all the great information here!
Angie
P.S. Although I'm saving, I'm researching getting insurance to cover ffs. It's difficult but it does happen. Dr. Spiegel is on my list of possible surgeons as well as a doctor in NYC who I know will except insurance yet he isn't world renowned.
Are you using enough lube? You are probably not going to produce enough of it on your own. The other thing is you could be tensing up and that is making it tighter.
Regarding number 2, perhaps you could try Suporn's dynamic dilation technique. Its supposed to be good for that kind of thing.
Welcome to Susan's Place.
(1) Not moving in society is not a good thing. If it continues, you should consider seeing a therapist. This happens in the CIS population so any good therapist would be aware of it and how to deal with it. Something not mentioned in your post. Some post surgical girls discontinue HRT. This is a huge mistake and if you did, you should make an effort to get back on it again. Because of bad advice, I was off HRT for about 10 years and my face lost so much fat that I became very gaunt in appearance even though I was 10 pounds overweight. A year back on HRT and losing 30 pounds, I am looking far better but I will require more time to regain all I lost.
(2) One possibility for the dryness is the doctor can prescribe a vaginal estrogen cream. This will help the vagina become self lubricating. This would be even worst if you are not on HRT.
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Quote from: DemonRaven on March 16, 2017, 05:09:37 PM
Are you using enough lube? You are probably not going to produce enough of it on your own. The other thing is you could be tensing up and that is making it tighter.
Thank you for replying. I started off using surgilube like many do. It worked ok. I ordered 4or 5 tubes but I don't think it's what they had at the hospital so I switched to Targets version of KY lubricant. I like it the best. So, yes, I use a ton of lube.
Quote from: AnonyMs on March 16, 2017, 06:08:59 PM
Regarding number 2, perhaps you could try Suporn's dynamic dilation technique. Its supposed to be good for that kind of thing.
Thank you for replying. I'm not familiar with his technique so I'll have to look into it.
Quote from: Dena on March 16, 2017, 09:05:49 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place.
(1) Not moving in society is not a good thing. If it continues, you should consider seeing a therapist. This happens in the CIS population so any good therapist would be aware of it and how to deal with it. Something not mentioned in your post. Some post surgical girls discontinue HRT. This is a huge mistake and if you did, you should make an effort to get back on it again. Because of bad advice, I was off HRT for about 10 years and my face lost so much fat that I became very gaunt in appearance even though I was 10 pounds overweight. A year back on HRT and losing 30 pounds, I am looking far better but I will require more time to regain all I lost.
(2) One possibility for the dryness is the doctor can prescribe a vaginal estrogen cream. This will help the vagina become self lubricating. This would be even worst if you are not on HRT.
I'm gonna ask my doctor about the estrogen cream. That sounds really promising.
And I have been thinking about therapy, I just don't like it very much. Plus I haven't become a total recluse. I'm just hyper aware of people noticing me in public.
As for tightness, I think I have a small circumference. No matter how much I lube and relax, I'm still tight.
I've not come across corrective surgery for widening the neo vagina. Is that possible? Has anyone heard of that?
Oh yeah. I've been on hormones consistently for the entirety of my transition. There have been moments here and there though.
I'm not sure I understand how estrogen cream could be useful.. It's worth a try though.
Since It's the Cowper's gland and prostate that provides lubrication when it comes to post op. A girls labia will get wet as that is where the urethral opening and cowpers's gland leads to but the inside vagina (inverted penis) will not naturally produce lubricant. (Since penile skin does not produce its own lubricant)
Because of this I don't understand how a estrogen cream could help with neovagina lubrication..
Estrogen creams are used to help treat menopause symptoms (such as vaginal dryness/burning/itching) in cis women because that area used to naturally produce lubricant so it is repairing the damage of time but this is possible because the vagina wall seeps lubricant during arousal and there are extra lubrication glands near the opening of a cis vagina..
These glands are far deeper inside on a genetic male body and neovagina.
It's worth a try though, no harm in trying it estrogen could still maybe stimulate the Cowper's gland deep inside somehow and produce more lubricant for the labia. Though I believe those glands are actually fuelled by testosterone...
As far as manufactured Lubricant goes, it can wear off every 15 minutes or so you might need to apply more, even with good lubricants.. But if you are applying plenty of lube (all over the penis before entry into the neovagina) I'm really not sure how you could still be experiencing dryness.
That sounds very unfortunate. Wishing you all the best.
You also can expand the size of a neo vagina, if done slowly and carefully, I have heard of trans girls being able to be fisted! Wow
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The lubricant I am using is this one. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ZQFQP08/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) It's pretty cheap and it seems to be thicker that the store brand I was buying before.
As for the estrogen cream, it helps convert the cells in the vagina to vaginal tissue which produces some moisture. The cream was made for CIS women who have entered menopause and has been available for years. The original cream was under the Premarin brand name but I have heard there is another that may be more effective.
Quote from: Dena on March 17, 2017, 08:34:54 AM
The lubricant I am using is this one. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ZQFQP08/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) It's pretty cheap and it seems to be thicker that the store brand I was buying before.
As for the estrogen cream, it helps convert the cells in the vagina to vaginal tissue which produces some moisture. The cream was made for CIS women who have entered menopause and has been available for years. The original cream was under the Premarin brand name but I have heard there is another that may be more effective.
That's what my surgeon sent me home with and what I still use. Less than half the price of surgilube.
Thanks for the info on the estrogen cream. I'm going to ask my Gyno about it!
Quote from: Dena on March 17, 2017, 08:34:54 AM
The lubricant I am using is this one. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ZQFQP08/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) It's pretty cheap and it seems to be thicker that the store brand I was buying before.
As for the estrogen cream, it helps convert the cells in the vagina to vaginal tissue which produces some moisture. The cream was made for CIS women who have entered menopause and has been available for years. The original cream was under the Premarin brand name but I have heard there is another that may be more effective.
That's a good price I'm gonna try this and see how I like it. Thanks!
P.S. Although I'm saving, I'm researching getting insurance to cover ffs. It's difficult but it does happen. Dr. Spiegel is on my list of possible surgeons as well as a doctor in NYC who I know will except insurance yet he isn't world renowned.
[/quote]
Hi Angie, fellow ny'er here! Who's the ffs surgeon you mention in NYC? Thanks! Lily
Quote from: TigerLilyNYC on March 18, 2017, 12:43:42 PM
Hi Angie, fellow ny'er here! Who's the ffs surgeon you mention in NYC? Thanks! Lily
http://www.mountsinai.org/profiles/jess-ting
Dr. Ting at Mt Sinai. They have a transgender support team now including surgery. They accept differet types of insurance including Medicaid.
Thanks, Angie! They were supposed to have Dr DiM there but I don't think it's happening
Quote from: angiedream on March 17, 2017, 03:20:11 AM
I started off using surgilube like many do. It worked ok. I ordered 4or 5 tubes but I don't think it's what they had at the hospital so I switched to Targets version of KY lubricant. I like it the best. So, yes, I use a ton of lube.
I'd be careful about using Surgilube. It looks like it has chlorhexidinein it, which is a very powerful antiseptic/disinfectant. Chlorhexidine can cause serious skin irritation, and its probably best not to kill off all the bacteria in there.
Dr. McGinn recommends Surgilube. I used 2 cases of that and now am using the lube Dena recommended. I like the flip top and it feels a little bit less viscous than surgilube.
#4 dilator has become tight. I am using hydro cortisol cream (helps to stretch scars) as per Papillion. If penetrating with #4 remains painful they will prescribe estrogen cream which they said will help to stretch the scar tissue at the vaginal entrance.
I did not have the reverse penile procedure. I had a scrotal graph.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on March 18, 2017, 07:38:40 PM
I did not have the reverse penile procedure. I had a scrotal graph.
IIRC they still do in the inversion but use the scrotal tissue in addition if there is not enough penile skin... at least that was what was dome for me...
My scar from the graft suture line can still be felt and i had SRS in 1998.
- Karen
are you douching at all?
If you are douching are you using douches with vinegar? or are you using medicated (iodine) douches?
the vinegar douches will dry you out like crazy.
if necessary, use a Summers Eve medicated 2 pack. use one with iodine, one with the saline rinse. use the medicated first, then rinse with the saline.
I had a checkup with my doctor yesterday and he prescribed the estrogen cream for me. I also purchased the Vagisil moisturiser and that helped a great deal. I'vebeenusing it for about two weeks now. My dilating experience is soo much better. I cant wait to try the estrogen cream. So thank you to the ladies who left suggestions!!
Quote from: angiedream on March 16, 2017, 04:35:23 PM
Issue #2. Dry, tight, painful when having sex vagina.
That pretty much sums it up, lol! I absolutely do not regret SRS, but it's a pain. Since day 1 my Vag has been tight and it never loosened. I've been great about dilating until the past 3 months. I've travelled a lot and it's difficult to adhere to a dilation schedule when doing so. I've lost about 1/2 an inch. I'm not too concerned because I believe I can get it back. (learned that here).Any advice on tight, painful when having sex vaginas, will be greatly appreciated. I 've actually stopped dating because of the sex thing. My last bf was fine with it. We had anal sex instead. But I didn't go through all of this to be relegated to the back door!
Dear Angie, I am also in the northeast, and in the last few months I have also been suffering from an exceptionally dry vagina to the point of annoying rubbing. My surgery was in 2003, so my vag is 14 years old now and I figured I had everything all figured out until the last few months. Finally today I had an appointment with my gyn and he ended up writing me a prescription for premarin cream. I used it once before and it seemed to work well so I will try it again and see how it goes one more time. Weird that I have been so uncomfortable and yet I also got a clean bill of health from the gyn although he does admit he has little experience with post-op vaginas.
Unfortunately, the cream doesn't seem to be doing very much for me. However the Vagisil moisturizer was fantastic as it really keeps me moist for several days. I'm going to keep using it though, and hopefully I'll notice a change.
I'm still experiencing pain though, so I'm hoping I'll get to see Dr. Bowers when she's in town again. I'm hoping she'll have some remedy for me. My primary care physician told me that having sex at this point should not be painful.
Good luck!
Progesterone taken orally did wonders for my vagina, kept the area moist and elastic and lubricating more than usual. Amazing! A dab of testosterone can probably help too.
Angie, regarding your first issue. Do not be concerned about becoming older. I am over 60 years old and, as far as I can tell, people just accept me as an older woman.
I have been face to face with several other women, both young and old, and every one of them has accepted me as another woman.
In another post I related two recent experiences where I was face to face with two other women, one an older woman and the other a younger woman.
The older woman and I were standing together in a greengrocer's shop and we went to pick up a carrot at the same time. We had our eyes on the same carrot. We did touch each other's hand as we went to pick up the carrot. That resulted in a little giggle and a smile from both of us.
In the other incident, I wanted to try on a skirt and went to the fitting rooms. The young woman gave me a card with '1' on it. I then turned left to go into the fitting rooms. The young woman told I should turn right and go into the women's fitting rooms. The men's fitting rooms were to the left. She completely accepted me as another woman.
So, young Angie, do not despair. Do not be concerned about not being accepted as you become older. In fact, I think people are more accepting the older one becomes.
Hugs,
Bronwen.
Lots of great advice here. I echo Dena's advice re estrogen cream. I have had some severe issues with tightness and lack of elasticity. My gyn prescribed Premarin cream which I used to coat my dilation tool with or simply apply with the applicator it comes with internally and the to place a small about on the outer lips/labia also.
As Dena mentions - I can help increase mucosal lubricatiion even for us to a certain degree. Perhaps more important is it's ability to help make the lining of the vagina more elastic and flexible through direct effect of localized estrogen. It helped me with dilation a lot.
I haven't been able to have vaginal sex with my husband ever though. He's just too big and although I had good depth 6-7" (GRS with Dr Meltzer in 07) I've always struggled with width. We have fun with other sexual activities for sure but I have struggled immensely with going through all the steps, work and effort to get the genitals I should have had only to be physically incapable of accommodating him. We have just had to learn other methods but I struggle immensely with still feeling like I'm not woman enough or female enough because of this inadequacy.
Sarah
Quote from: SarahGemini on April 07, 2017, 12:22:29 PM
I haven't been able to have vaginal sex with my husband ever though. He's just too big and although I had good depth 6-7" (GRS with Dr Meltzer in 07) I've always struggled with width.
I've always had the impression that width is something you can increase over time. Have you tried anything to do this?
Quote from: SarahGemini on April 07, 2017, 12:22:29 PM
I haven't been able to have vaginal sex with my husband ever though. He's just too big and although I had good depth 6-7" (GRS with Dr Meltzer in 07) I've always struggled with width. We have fun with other sexual activities for sure but I have struggled immensely with going through all the steps, work and effort to get the genitals I should have had only to be physically incapable of accommodating him. We have just had to learn other methods but I struggle immensely with still feeling like I'm not woman enough or female enough because of this inadequacy.
Sarah
I don't know if you were told this but Dr Meltzer has another dilator that's not included in the kit which goes beyond the inch and a half diameter. It wasn't something we were told directly but it came up in the conversation before Mariah started her dilation. There would be an extra charge for it but the cost isn't excessive.
Thank you Dena and AnonyMs - sorry not wanting to hijack this thread. Appreciate the advice. I was never able to get past the diameter of the 3rd dilateor despite trying multiple times a day fir months. I was at 6.5" depth at that time. I kind of wish I had a skin graft which Dr Melter had suggested as an option but at the point of my GRS I didn't really imagine being with anyone.
Sarah
Is it a physical limit, or it just hurts too much?
A physical limit. If tried many times to push through with larger diameter dialatirs but I just end up tearing and it heals with scar tissue.
Someone earlier mentioned a dynamic dialation technique by Dr Supporn? Does anyone have any more information on this or perhaps a link they might share? Thank you.
Sarah
By physical limit I was thinking you're up against bone and there's just no more space. Tearing sounds different to that, and perhaps Suporn's dynamic dilation could help. I don't know much about it, but perhaps tearing my also be related to the tissue not being very flexible, and if so maybe an vaginal estrogen cream could help.
There's something on Suporn's dilation in this document, and I'll pm you a link to another one.
http://totalirc.net/hosted/Suporn2015.pdf
Thank you AnonyMs. I'm starting work with a pelvic floor/massage expert too. I really appreciate these docs. I do already use Premarin cream and found it helped a bit.