Hi.
I recently realized that I want to examine my gender and gender expression. I've been reading and realized it's time to talk to people about my thoughts.
About me: I'm 38 years old, born female and raised as a girl. I'm married to a lesbian. We've been together for 20 years but only married recently. I suspect most people assume I'm also a lesbian, but I'm actually pan. We don't have any human children, but clearly hold the crazy cat ladies title among our friends. I live in a conservative university town in the Intermountain West. If it weren't for the diversity attracted by the university living here would probably be unbearable. In general I think I come across as a woman. I'm an introvert and my MBTI personality type is INTP. I have an invisible disability. I have 4+ years of college, but no degree. I enjoy writing, drawing, and raising aquarium critters.
What brought me here: I'm questioning my gender and want to learn more about myself and find out how I am most comfortable. Looking over other's introductions it seems my experience isn't unusual for those here.
I'll start at the beginning while keeping this as brief as I can.
As a child I dreamed about being a princess and secretly hoped I'd been switched at birth. But no such luck. But with my friends I often played the male role in games and make believe. I felt comfortable in those roles, but sometimes insisted on being the girl, too. I loved elaborate costumes. I daydreamed a lot about being a boy so I could marry my best friend. I had crushes on boys, too.
In junior high I heard about gender reassignment surgery and spent a lot of time wondering how it worked and if I wanted to be a man so I could marry a woman. But at the same time I very much liked the way I was starting to look as puberty progressed. I liked makeup and dresses and all things feminine.
My junior year of high school I finally learned about lesbians and bisexuality. I was like "ah-ha!" I thought that explained all of the weirdness I'd always felt.
In early college I met and fell in love with the woman I'm married to. I experimented with packing, binding my breasts, and crossdressing. But it didn't feel quite right. So I spent several years cutting my hair very short and dressing as androgynously as possible. That didn't feel right either.
My sweetheart and I attended the annual drag show at the university every year. When I watched those fabulous, confident, feminine butterflies strut and dance across the stage I wished I could join them. I wanted the sequins and feathers and lace, too! I wanted to be irreverent, sexy, and subversive. A few years the show included drag kings, too, and that also appealed to me. I loved and longed for it all. I really wished I could get involved but as an introvert, as a disabled person, there were always obstacles that seemed too huge to surmount.
As the next generation grew up and started redefining gender and sexually I felt distinctly jealous. They have so many choices! Growing up there were only 3 possible genders: man, woman, or transsexual. But if I was transsexual I wold have to be a man and live that role exclusively for the rest of my life. That didn't appeal to me. I realized that if I was growing up now I would not consider myself a woman.
It all came to a head recently. While being intimate with my wife I realized I wanted male pronouns for myself. The dissonance was so strong it really threw me.
So now I'm not sure what I am or how I want to express my gender. I don't know if I'm a woman. I know i'm not a man (at least not all the time). I don't know what pronouns I want, or if I want different pronouns for different times...
I kind of wish I was like Mr. Potatohead. That I could pick and choose whatever combination of parts that suits me at the moment.
When I look at the style choices of others, I like outfits that combine overtly feminine with overtly masculine in jarring ways. I think I would be most comfortable if my gender was not obvious at first glance, but not neutral either.
Welcome to the web site! I hope we can help you on your exploration of your gender and gender identity!
Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not a medical professional but I have something for you to look at. Our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) has a fairly extensive list of conditions that might describe you. If you feel your gender identity is switching, the description for bigender/gender fluid might be of interest. If you feel that you are a mix of genders, androgyne or genderqueer may be a closer match. As always, a gender therapist could help you explore your feelings in greater depth that is possible here. Feel free to ask any questions you might have and we will do our best to answer them.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
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Hi Susan! Thank you for the welcome. I'm excited to see how things progress.
Hi Dena,
Thank you for the information. I'll check out the wiki especially. Although I'm not terribly fond of labels, I think it's a good place to start.
Welcome!! :)
Hi curiouspan :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hello Curiouspan. Welcome and I am glad you are here.
Jeanette