I hope I am not sounding too crazy. From day to day when I'm not working I love being my female self. But when someone starts offending me but not intentionally. My male self Kevs will start to protect Mikka, and Kevs will just step up and say. You are starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Is that a normal feeling?
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Its like saying you made Mikka angry and disappointed, but I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong with me, its other people that are not educated on this topic. In a way its like using my male side to comfort my female side.
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We are mix of our past and present. I still draw on my past when personal strength or knowledge is required. One day I was out for my evening walk and I came upon a woman who might have been under attack by her boyfriend/husband. He was short enough that I was pretty sure I could deal with him if needed so I stood guard until I knew she would be safe and wasn't being taken against her will. That isn't gender fluid as my gender identity didn't change, I only drew upon past skills.
It almost seems as if you're thinking that it's improper for a woman to stand up for herself and therefore only a male would do so. My experience in real life is different. My wife particularly will stand up for herself and create a confrontation if necessary. She's only 5" tall but I've seen her get so assertive that she stopped a dogfight once just with her voice and presence. So I don't think this is a male/female thing but rather just an individual variation in personality and self confidence.
Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote
How can I say this.... So much on my mind still trying to figure out myself in a way. Sometimes I feel its so hard to accept that I am transgender and actually maybe a female. I always keep finding myself excuses to be a bit male. But I know deep down females can be strong too. Like I mentioned before I told people I work in a kitchen thats when my "male" side come out. Lately I realize. It doesn't matter if you are male or female working in a kitchen. It always feels like, im lying to other people saying no im still male to please them. But deep down I may be leing to myself.
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Deep down... if money was no issue and if I didn't have to risk loosing my job. I want to actually look like a female, and be female.
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Quote from: Mikka55 on March 18, 2017, 11:41:11 AM
Deep down... if money was no issue and if I didn't have to risk loosing my job. I want to actually look like a female, and be female.
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You follow in a very long line of us who have at one time or another said those identical words.
Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote
Quote from: Mikka55 on March 18, 2017, 11:17:03 AM
How can I say this.... So much on my mind still trying to figure out myself in a way. Sometimes I feel its so hard to accept that I am transgender and actually maybe a female. I always keep finding myself excuses to be a bit male. But I know deep down females can be strong too. Like I mentioned before I told people I work in a kitchen thats when my "male" side come out. Lately I realize. It doesn't matter if you are male or female working in a kitchen. It always feels like, im lying to other people saying no im still male to please them. But deep down I may be leing to myself.
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I relate to that feeling i am gender fluid i guess ..... I've played my male role well, too well and now its stuck ....and i feel fake sometimes but i don't let it bother me i just "think it is what it is " no one has to justify themselves to anyone and anyway most critics have more to hide then their targets anyway
Ps my feelings exsactly on looking female. ...i wouldn't worry about losing your job and i can seee from your avatar that it would not take much to accomplish for you
Quote from: markie on March 19, 2017, 01:35:18 AM
I relate to that feeling i am gender fluid i guess ..... I've played my male role well, too well and now its stuck ....and i feel fake sometimes but i don't let it bother me i just "think it is what it is " no one has to justify themselves to anyone and anyway most critics have more to hide then their targets anyway
What do you mean you play your male role too much that its stuck?
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Quote from: Deborah on March 18, 2017, 01:15:53 PM
You follow in a very long line of us who have at one time or another said those identical words.
Raising my hand. Guilty as charged.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Well for me I have been playing the male role for a long time too, but you have no idea how bad I want to tell them i'm not really fully male. I make look male.. But most days I feel female
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Quote from: Mikka55 on March 19, 2017, 01:39:14 AM
What do you mean you play your male role too much that its stuck?
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In the eyes of others.... i work on earth moving infrastructure projects in the australian outback it is a male dominated industry one always meets up with people you've worked with in these places , anyway thats whats been bestowed on me by others alpha male as far as they are concerned, males and females ...talk about judging a book by its cover .....
I cultivated that look to protect myself but i,m no mouthy red neck either ...it just the way i look too my physical apperance
and i too would like to tell that i,m female
At the camp shop the other day i was buying some nail cliippers and i just said to the girl behind the counter during conversation ...i would like to grow my fingernails long and paint them black ...but I'd cop so much flak from my work mates she agreed .....theres only a few hundred people in this camp so i wonder if thats going to get around ....still if confronted about it i would say yes ....
Quote from: markie on March 19, 2017, 02:00:24 AM
I cultivated that look to protect myself but i,m no mouthy red neck either ...it just the way i look too my physical apperance
Good i'm not alone.
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Quote from: Mikka55 on March 17, 2017, 10:31:46 PM
I hope I am not sounding too crazy...when someone starts offending me but not intentionally. My male self Kevs will start to protect Mikka, and Kevs will just step up and say. You are starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Is that a normal feeling?
This is my reality because I am crazy (Multiple Personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder because of childhood sexual and psychological abuse).
There are 6 of us in my System. Each of us has our own job to do. But it is Protector who steps in and takes over when one of us feels threatened, not my male alter, Primary. His job is to handle physical pain.
Unless Kevs and Mikka are separate identities, gender is just another way of expressing the same person. It is normal to behave differently in different situations, but my Psychologist explained it is not healthy to experience the level of separateness you are describing in the same person.
Quote from: flytrap on March 19, 2017, 10:21:13 AM
It is normal to behave differently in different situations, but my Psychologist explained it is not healthy to experience the level of separateness you are describing in the same person.
I know its not healthy to split Kevs and Mikka like that. That's kinda why I asked if it was normal todo that.
I mean I am happier being Mikka I'm still me... but i'm just more girly and act more feminine. But I'm still me. I still talk normal.
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Im also asking that question about being Kevs and Mika because when ever my best friend and I talk, we talk like Kevs and Mikka are 2 different people. I know my friend is doing that to make my life easier as Mikka or Kevs. Well now I know its dangerous to split, Ill just be kevs when im normal or nothing, then I think I should be Mikka when I act more feminine.
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Quote from: Deborah on March 18, 2017, 09:41:26 AM
It almost seems as if you're thinking that it's improper for a woman to stand up for herself and therefore only a male would do so. My experience in real life is different. My wife particularly will stand up for herself and create a confrontation if necessary. She's only 5" tall but I've seen her get so assertive that she stopped a dogfight once just with her voice and presence. So I don't think this is a male/female thing but rather just an individual variation in personality and self confidence.
Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote
+1 Plus sounds a lot like my wife. She will reach down your throat and pull your heart out if she felt that course of action was necessary.
There is NOTHING wrong with standing up for yourself. The feelings you have a valid and oh so very real. Don't let Shame & Guilt mess with your head. The demure quiet totally non-confrontational woman is from a bygone era. (I'll be PC for the sake of discussion)
People often use different names to refer to themself in different roles in their lives (Mommy, coworker, wife). It is not normal if they begin to view themself as separate people. Dissociative compartmentalization like the alters of my System are a sign of a deeply rooted physiological problem.
It's just that living my whole life as a male and being told what its like being male is like really messes with my mind especially if I know I feel female on the inside. I know I should be brave and be true to myself. I need to embrace my fears of coming out. I NEVER want to get to the point of saying what is the whole point of being female, if society will judge you, its better just be male. I NEVER want to do that. Cuz I will hate myself.
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Its really HARD living as 2 genders
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Yeah .....I tend to over think alot of the times, I know I should just take it easy. Relax and enjoy the moment.
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I recently began to refer to myself as "me" i dont see myself as either male or female a blend perhaps
Quote from: Mikka55 on March 19, 2017, 09:22:27 PMIts really HARD living as 2 genders
This is actually one of the first things to that caused my psychologist to suspect my Primary alter had multiple personalities. Movies like "Mrs. Doubfire" and "Toostie" show the confusion and effort it takes for a person to be two genders. But it's natural and comes easily for a person with dissociative identity disorder.
A bit off topic, I guess growing up I was always told to act and be a certain way, and I guess I was trying to please everyone I lost who I truly was.
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Not so different that the way my dissociative brain handles things. Rather than losing who I am, my mind preserved it in the six alters of my System and allowed itself to express the memories and feelings as another person.
Quote from: Mikka55 on March 20, 2017, 12:24:10 PM
A bit off topic, I guess growing up I was always told to act and be a certain way, and I guess I was trying to please everyone I lost who I truly was.
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Yes I understand ....i buried and lost myself as well to fit in I was not strong enough to break the mold
and now I am advanceed in age... I have just scratched the surface and found there is an iceberg beneath
I can't truly confront it as the enormity of what I have done to my self is too much
You are young don't waste your time make good on who you want to be
Quote from: markie on March 21, 2017, 09:03:00 AM
You are young don't waste your time make good on who you want to be
Thanks Markie
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