For anyone who has made the decision to transition (or significantly move forward with socially visual changes), do you remember that pivotal moment? Do you know what thing happened that moved things from "I am so confused, unsure, undecided, etc.," to " I must do this and will do this!"
In my case, I remember the moment. I remember the exact place I stood in my bedroom when I said that I must move off of the horrible place that I had stayed all my life. It's funny though that the trigger was the same cycle of feelings I had felt a million times before. I can only describe it as having reached my human capacity to run from the inevitable need to find the real me. I guess right before that I had started looking at an old website called "Wehappytrans." I allowed myself to finally comprehend that moving forward did not mean guaranteed disaster. Thank you for whoever created that site because it made me realize it was possible to have a happy outcome. It saved my life.
Moni
It's more like it was inevitably something I would do as soon as there was enough clarity.
But the moment I chose to go to the GP and request a referral will do. Unfortunately it was more of a "I better do this before the NHS vanishes completely" thought that spurred me or I might have dragged my feet. I have made some pretty dumb decisions because of my loyalty to other people and their happiness but this time I was aware of wasting time for stupid reasons, so just went for it.
It came in steps for me.
The before ahhh ha moment was considering suicide because everything in my life was balancing on a pin. That's when I knew it was something I had to do.
But to be honest it was two months AFTER starting HT that I knew it was right. I had gotten my ears pierced, I had expected it to freak me out. But two days later I was sitting on the couch and realized I'm finally free and happy. It literally came over me like a warm blanket.
My time and place was about mid November 2016 sitting right here at my computer surfing more or less randomly on the internet when I found some information on HRT. I wanted it, no real thought about it, I just wanted it. It arrived December 4, 2016 and I began my journey.
I theorize that I had been wanting this for a long, long time and that my decision was made long ago. When the opportunity arrived I took it. Looking back at my life I can see many times i wished I could become a girl, then a woman. I never believed I could though. I guess I was wrong.
Hugs,
Jeanette
It was having the courage to buy some clothes and then looking at some web sites and then allowing myself to be free.
I was telling my girlfriend about my life long battle with gender dysphoria and she started freaking out that I might transition and she would lose me. I reassured her that wouldn't happen but I also resented her for making me do that. That's when I realized that there wasn't actually anything I cared about holding me back.
We broke up and I started hormones shortly after.
My pivotal moment came when i told my gf. As soon as I told her it was panic to get on hormones.
I was never confused about it, just dumb, i thought it would go away. Once I truly realised it never would it was all panic, to stop T as fast as possible.
For me it was having too much "Quality Time" alone with my thoughts, almost completely devoid of all my standard diversions and distractions, thanks to Once Again, seeing my life explode. Everything I defined me by was either lost or just about. Thanks again to how was NOT handling being trans.
Time to take the Trans-Beast on for real
Every day had become a really intense struggle. Everything was dull, unfulfilling and grey to me; instead of living, I was enduring.
One particularly bleak evening I came out of a fugue to find myself face down on the floor, slamming my fist into it over and over in a fit of frustrated rage. It occurred to me at that point that medical intervention was necessary for my survival.
Testosterone mellowed me out a -lot- and I'm thankful for it.
Transition felt life-threatening to me, so I always avoided it and allowed myself to stay depressed instead. When the depression took a turn for the worst and I started planning to not wake up, I realized not transitioning definitely meant I wouldn't last the year, while how long I survived a transition was an unknown. That was when I made the choice.
I kind of just run out of places to hide and surrendered in a coming out speech to my doc.
It was almost like it wasn't me talking, like my brain had become disengaged from the process. I certainly hadn't planned it, but the more I spoke the more things flowed, and not in a sheepish, coy, unsure way either. It was like "this is what I am, this is what I want, what can be done about it!" A most odd declaration at the time, the absoluteness of it all was way out of character for me.
I came out of that meeting knowing I was trans, a week later I realised I was transexual. Now the hard stuff has begun trying to work out what I want to do with the information.
HRT keeps screaming at me, so that'll be my next stop, but the waiting times in the U.K. are horrendous so i've kind of switched off for now before I overload and spontaneously combust.
I remember the day very well. It was the second day in a row I tried suicide that was unplanned and an opportunity to end the pain. It was so close I can not believe I survived. I remember the moments after my heart rate did not increase and the pain was gone, for the moment. I knew I would try again the next day and a voice deep inside me said I do not want to die, I just want to be me. I called Mazzoni that day and scheduled an intake.
I don't remember a specific moment when I decided to transition. It was more like the self-imposed barriers and denials gradually fell away until only transition remained as the way forward.
But I do remember the specific moment when I decided that transgender was a topic that I needed to investigate and own as part of my reality. I was at an astronomy conference, and the keynote lecture was delivered by a transgender astrophysicist. When I realized first that there was nothing freaky about her, and second, that no one in the audience gave a rat's *** about her gender, only about the topic she was talking about (in other words, that a transgender person could be perceived as normal), I knew I needed to get real about the wondering I had been doing all my life.
Good topic Moni :)
My decision was very close to spontaneous and on the spot.... I had met the first transwoman I had ever met... She had transitioned 30 years before .... She was living her life on her own terms... Successfully...
I realized that if she could do it... I could do it ...I set off immediately and happily down the path to make it happen in short order.... I thought if something didn't feel right I could change my mind but it all felt more right than I can put into words... Never a second thought. Even on the really hard days.... So basically, after 50+ years of hiding who I was inside ... I had seen there was a beautiful life outside the walls and going back into hiding was to give up on a chance to finally live my life...to be at peace.... Life is for Living....
Onward we go brave sisters!!!
Ashley :)
This is a great question, Moni!
My case might seem a little odd, but it is largely a product of my age and upbringing. It was a two part process, recognizing my true nature, and deciding to transition.
I recognized my nature over 30 years ago. The childhood 'cure' I had gotten was wearing off, but I didn't know what I was other than what I had been told, nothing good. I was definitely in hiding, even from myself. We were interviewing folks for a position on my engineering team, a rather grueling all-day interview process. One of the candidates was a transwoman who, unfortunately by the end of the day, was showing a 5 O'clock shadow. I remember sitting there talking with her about the opportunity and our needs, when the thought popped into my head that "She's so brave. I wish I could do that."
Wait. WHAT??? My sneaky subconscious had just outed me to myself.
Given my childhood rearing, shame and repression came easy to me, and I resolved not to hurt my wife and young children, and take this to the grave. I almost made it.
In March 2016, just over a year ago, I planned to end things. My mind was crumbling, my core being corroded away from repressing this. I called a hotline in desperation, and was talked down and quickly placed in therapy. I got treatment. My spouse and I negotiated terms for what I could do. They were restrictive, so restrictive that I broke down again in a few months. I convinced her to let me try HRT. I started seeing a gender therapist. Finally, I reached the point where I knew I had to stop putting everyone else first and myself last, and had to take action. My spouse told me this wasn't working for her, and I'd have to leave. I resolved that if I wasn't living under the same roof as her I would immediately go full time and transition.
I did. I moved out on October 22, 2016 and immediately went full-time.
Quote from: tgirlamc on March 19, 2017, 09:03:15 PM
Good topic Moni :)
My decision was very close to spontaneous and on the spot.... I had met the first transwoman I had ever met... She had transitioned 30 years before .... She was living her life on her own terms... Successfully...
I realized that if she could do it... I could do it ...I set off immediately and happily down the path to make it happen in short order.... I thought if something didn't feel right I could change my mind but it all felt more right than I can put into words... Never a second thought. Even on the really hard days.... So basically, after 50+ years of hiding who I was inside ... I had seen there was a beautiful life outside the walls and going back into hiding was to give up on a chance to finally live my life...to be at peace.... Life is for Living....
Onward we go brave sisters!!!
Ashley :)
Hi TG! Not sure I have seen you since you got married. :) Best wishes sweetie :)
To the OP, for me, there was no single moment. It was more just cascading events that developed momentum and at some point I could no longer ignore.
It's real simple for me. I'm 100 percent comfortable with being female and completely uncomfortable with anything else.
Quote from: Sinclair on March 19, 2017, 09:50:22 PM
Hi TG! Not sure I have seen you since you got married. :) Best wishes sweetie :)
Thanks my friend!!!... I've been on a little break from the site... Busy with life!!! Doing lots of public speaking at the local University and JC for Rainbow Speakers and really enjoying it as well as enjoying married life to The World's Best Husband!!! :)
Hugs!!!
A😀
i don't remember a moment like that, exactly. i had always felt more comfortable with male personas and being seen as male, but never gave it much thought because "boys are boys and girls are girls". when i was around 14 i first learned that transgender was a thing; i remember having a private conversation with my cousin about it. neither one of us actually knew how any of that stuff worked, though. we were just teenagers speculating, and she told me this was totally possible and gave me the impression that it could just be seamlessly done with a little surgery one day when i was ready. hahahaha...
but after that, i just shoved those thoughts and feelings away again for as long as i could. even so that was when i realized that transition was what i wanted, it was still kind of just some far-off make-believe fantasy to me. it wasn't "time" to acknowledge any of that stuff yet, and so i didn't. i did little things here and there that made me feel more masculine, and it was always in the back of my mind, but the word "transgender" never came up again until several years later.
it wasn't until i was moved out and married that it really started to hit me. at first i would say i felt my body was meant to be male but i didn't care about pronouns or physical presentation, etc etc. but the more i acknowledged any kind of transgender feeling at all, the more my actual feelings came spilling forward and the more i started accepting that my identity was male and i wasn't happy living as a female everywhere but inside my own head. that was around when i started coming to susan's in search of support from people who might understand my situation a little better.
the decision to transition was just one of those things that gradually increased over time. first came accepting a male identity, then came wanting to be seen as male by others, getting a haircut, buying things from the men's section, eventually buying a binder, deciding that at some point i'd need to go on T, deciding i'd also need top surgery, etc. i don't think there was any specific moment where i said to myself "i need to start living as a man"; it just slowly started happening (and totally uprooting my life and relationships in the process, but that's another story lol)
As usual, I'm the weird one.
I wasn't the one who made the decision. About 3 1/2 years ago, I read a post that made me consider that I might be trans. I started seeing a therapist (well, I started with a different one, but he was a dud), and one day during the session, I kind of heard a voice from what I assume is my unconscious (I call it my "inner oracle") that said, "you're going to transition. Just thought you'd like to know." I kind of went "what?" (inside my head, of course) and when I recovered, I tried to ask the Oracle exactly how it was going to happen, but it seems oracles don't answer follow-up questions. I had to handle the details myself.
I've known I was trans since I was about 10 years old thanks to help from trans YouTubers, though a lot of the ones I watched were young and pre-everything at the time, so I didn't know transition was possible until I came across a playlist of videos from a young trans girl detailing her social and medical transition. I knew from that moment that I wanted to transition, but it would be another 4 years before I was able to socially transition.
As far as medical transition, I actually wasn't sure until recently. I tried living as a female for about a year and a half and I was miserable, trying so hard to be as feminine as possible struggling with my trauma and bipolar and constant anxiety and dysphoria. I broke down and started reading more about HRT and transition, and when I read from so many people about how it had such a positive impact on their lives both mentally and physically, I remember thinking: "I have to do this. This is something I really need to do." And once again I came out to my parents and friends, and now I'm on the road to starting!
Oh it was a definite moment for me and it's a day I'll have no problem remembering for the rest of my life. I have been in confusion like you described most of my life and even recently had believed that transitioning was not what I needed. I thought I was gender fluid and was identifying that way while seeing a therapist to really sort through it all.
Valentine's day, my wife and I went out for a really nice dinner. At this point I was out to her as gender fluid and she was having a hard time dealing with that and some of the changes I was making to my appearance. That night, we were able to enjoy a nice dinner, both of us dressed to the nines (Calvin Klein suit for me and a gorgeous dress for her). Unfortunately, as things seemed to do at that time, the subject of my feelings and appearance came up at the end of dinner. She made an off-hand remark that got us going down a path of tears and sadness.
The ride home was tough, neither of us felt like celebrating anymore. When we got home we got ready for bed and just laid in bed the rest of the night watching TV and talking. At some point around 2:00am she really started to ask some tough questions. She had previously told me that she had a feeling I'd be transitioning and her line of questioning was headed down that path. She pressed me on how many things I had said I'd never consider were now open for consideration. She walked me through the progression of my crossdressing, from the feelings I had as a child up to present day. As she was digging deeper and deeper into my feelings, something finally clicked in my head. It was a painful yet wonderful realization. It hurt because I knew it would crush her but it was wonderful because it was like a huge weight being lifted off me. I finally admitted to myself that yes I was transsexual, I have been female all my life and I just simply have the wrong body characteristics.
Around that time she asked me a very direct question, "Why do I feel like the only way you'll really be happy is to be a woman". Through tears and sobbing, my soft almost mumbled answer was "Because it is". At that moment, our worlds came crashing down. We ended up being awake until 5:00AM crying, talking, and coming to terms with the fact that I need to transition to being a woman to finally feel whole. The final questions that really sealed the deal for me at that point were two that I asked myself silently after she fell asleep. I was feeling guilty for all the pain I was causing. So I thought to myself, "what will life be like in 5 years if I transition?". I imagined all the good of being comfortable with myself and finally being a woman in this world. But I also imagined all the pain of losing my wife, losing friends, etc. and living in a constant state of having to absorb hatred from others. Then I asked myself "what will life be like in 5 years if I don't transition?" I couldn't even imagine a life 5 years from now. I admitted to myself that I could not survive 5 more years living in the shadow of this secret, pretending to be someone I'm not. And with that I made the most painful, difficult decision of my life. Knowing it would cost me my marriage and so much else, I decided to begin transition.
I hope you find peace. Whilst I can't relate to the marriage issues, I'm also undergoing transition it's been scary and at the same time reliving. I can only describe it as like being on a train in a dark tunnel whilst holding a flash light, one day I'm going to look back and not regret being who I truly am and you can always find the light- inside of yourself.
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I have wanted my Barbie's body since age 11. I played mostly with the girls for a lot of the time much of pre-puberty age 9 and age 10. At age 12 a summer camp I attended selected me to be the only lead female actress in a play we performed and this was a BOY'S camp yet I felt strangely wonderful about them dressing me in full long blonde wig, high heels, full make-up, polished nails and in super sexy clothing at age 12. Finally after age 50 I reached a point where I was going to commit suicide if I didn't immediately go to full-time female, so I changed location and I did that. I since have been on national television and in national newspapers in a beauty pageant and other modeling opportunities. Soon I will begin work as a cam model girl -- feeling GREAT about that one !!! Now almost no one can detect I am trans face-to-face, except if I tell them and I rarely do. I:m simply a stunningly beautiful woman to most people in real life.
Frequently when I walk in the street past men in restaurants or construction sites, I get whistles of appreciation about my beauty from the men I am walking by -- and comments such as "Honey wow you are sexy" "my love wow what tits" "look at that a-- !" These comments occur multiple times every week now. Wow this makes me feel fab fem. Jennifer xx
For me - i was in the midst of a depressive episode and although my meds were taking care of it and times, this one was particularly bad.
I went to my therapist that next day and talked about my depression and feeling like i would always wanted to be a girl and that i knew that was a long road if i chose that. She responded with something like " you could always start hormones and see how you feel "
Later in the car in the parking lot, i decided not only would i start hrt, but i would immediately begin the transition.
I just want to thank all of you for answering this question. For those of us still thinking about it and struggling it helps to hear the real life experiences (good and bad).
For me, I came to grips with me being transgender six years ago when I was 46. I have been in therapy, and told my wife after she discovered some clip on earrings. I told her about these feelings I've had since I was 5, and the years of not knowing exactly who or what I was while living as a man and being married twice with five kids. With so many responsibilities, the decision not to transition or be who I want to become is painful. Not supported by my wife who knows and hates keeping it a secret, not having any meaningful sex the past three years since she found out, and basically learning to live without doing much about it is hard.
But when I read your stories, I'm happy that it's worked out for many of you and that you are doing great work inspiring the rest of us who watch from the sidelines and wonder "what if?"
I was able to fully dress one night and see "her", and it was fantastic. I expect to see her again and I'm doing little things like losing weight, getting mani/pedi's and shaving a little but with so many things to lose it's hard to justify the pain I will cause others at this time in my life. I have a great therapist, and another who is trans that I will probably go back to if I ever have that "I'm going to do it" moment.
Struggled my whole life. Seriously kicked it around for a few months then around new years, a switch just dipped. Apprension dissolved and I just set about making it happen. I told my wife a month later. That's the moment that it all became very real.
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No pivotal moment for me. Some two years ago I started suspecting that something was going on but had no idea what. Some months later I saw some stronger signals so I did some research on internet and played with some hypotheses, "I may be a CD", "I may be trans". These thoughts opened my mind as weeks passed and I felt more comfortable with the idea of being trans. Then I tried going out in girl mode and felt good, right, in my place.
So it was all a process.
It was two events, within a couple of months of each other.
I'd been struggling with dysphoria since age 5 but didn't know what it was until I was 19. I looked into the options then but they were absolutely awful if you're going from F to M, so I didn't think I'd ever be able to do anything about it. Instead, I stuffed myself back in the closet, got married, had a couple of kids, and tried my best to figure out how to live as a woman. (27 years later I still don't have a clue how to do that).
My marriage had been in trouble for a while and I was generally dissatisfied with my life. Then to add insult to injury, as my 40th birthday approached one of my daughters grinned in my face and said "You'll be a little old lady soon!"... and I really pictured what that would be like. I saw myself as a 70-odd-year-old woman in a retirement home, sitting in one of those high-backed chairs they have, wearing a chintzy dress, stockings and comfortable shoes, whilst some young nurse smiles at me and tells me that we'll do some knitting later. I found myself overwhelmed with a sense of despair and regret at having wasted my whole life living as the wrong gender, and now I was too old to do anything about it so I'd just have to slide into my grave wearing a (pick your own expletive here) dress. That thought horrified me; I couldn't bear the thought of wasting my life like that.
And then a couple of months later, completely out of the blue, a news site posted a time-lapse video of a teenage trans guy showing how miserable he was before transitioning, going through all the awkward intermediate stages, before finally looking thrilled with the outcome once he'd successfully transitioned. I saw in his face the same pain I'd been experiencing all my life... followed by the euphoria of putting right what went wrong & finally being able to live his own life.
It was like opening the floodgates.
I felt a sense of regret at all those wasted years during which I could've been in his shoes. I realised that a large proportion of what was wrong with my life was due to me trying to live in a way that is completely unnatural with me. I was 40 years old & I'm not getting any younger, so I felt a sense of urgency to get started with my transition if I'm ever going to avoid being that despairing little old lady. I wanted to fix this whilst I'm young enough & healthy enough to do so. I didn't want to remain married to my husband but if I got out of this relationship I couldn't bear for my next squeeze to be yet another straight man who would view me as a woman & who would focus on all the body parts I've hated all my life. I knew the only way I could fix the vast majority of what was wrong with my life was to transition. I hated the thought because I'm very private and transitioning would mean I'd have to tell lots of people about something very private I'd been battling to hide since the mid-1970s. But it had to be done: I couldn't continue living as I was.
So after a couple of weeks of turmoil I went to the doctor and got a referral to the gender services. A couple of days later I told my husband (he mocked and belittled me, and told me as far as he's concerned our marriage was over). He then pressurised me to tell my kids, and they reacted terribly, calling me a freak who will die alone.
Yeah.
But I don't regret it for a single second. If my family reacted badly, that reflects poorly on them as people. Haters are going to hate, with or without my help.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 21, 2017, 07:53:43 AM
But I don't regret it for a single second. If my family reacted badly, that reflects poorly on them as people. Haters are going to hate, with or without my help.
I'm so sorry for your family's lack of support. I hope your kids will come around with time, especially as you presumably become a happier, better adjusted person.
Love Randy
Quote from: RandyL on March 21, 2017, 11:00:05 AM
I'm so sorry for your family's lack of support. I hope your kids will come around with time, especially as you presumably become a happier, better adjusted person.
Thanks Randy; I hope so too!
I really do not have a specific `moment of truth`. I had been going back and forth for a couple of years while I was in college, ultimately deciding that I should wait (big mistake, the best time for me would have been to start in college). I started my career after I graduated and I was still going back and forth on whether or not I should transition. Eventually, I realized that this was not something that was going to go away. I contacted a therapist via email and told her about my situation. She was kind and understanding, but I got cold feet and cut off communication. A year later, I got the courage to recontact her and setup an appointment. I started HRT shortly after that. There is a lot more to my situation, but I will spare the details. I am taking my transition very slowly, carefully and safely, making sure that I complete every step 100 percent before proceeding to the next.
I started transitioning in a very funny way I went on hrt when my ex approved it and supported me and went off when she decided she want to leave me. It was 4 months after I stopped and tried to live male again and struggling to do that my ex came to me with divorce papers I signed the papers walked to the closet and took hrt. I was like well what do I have to lose now. I promised her if she divorces me I would transition and I kept my promise ever since.
That was the turning point I won't deny that my transition was a coping mechanism for me during the period of divorce to distract me from what was going on around me.
Two specific moments. 20 years ago I was in my first relationship post divorce. It was a relationship heavy on S&M and with plenty of D&S overtures and Paula told me to go buy panties and wear them for presenting a paper that had been accepted in a conference on structural analysis at MIT. For the prior entirely of my adult life I'd gone commando and to this day I remember how liberating it felt to capture the testicles and tuck them away for a flat, feminine appearance. That's what started me realizing I'm trans and I've presented exclusively femme in sexual and relationship realms ever since.
The second was realizing that being laid off from a research job that I more or less hated gave me 18 months of COBRA coverage to transition and that it was time. When I'd started that job and realized I had a clear path financially to transition 5 years earlier I'd evaluated and decided not to proceed for all sorts of practical reasons. When the forcing function arrived i decided it was time to recognize my life and recurring depression couldn't be addressed without addressing gender as who I am, not just who I was in my private life.
This was actually several weeks ago. I was actually talking to a friend online about his transition, and all the thoughts over the years I had about me kept running through my mind "Maybe I'm not entirely male.. I could be trans". Sitting at the computer late at night, listening to him talk about wanting to transition to female and offering advice about other things and reading how hes feeling and whats going on, is actually similar to how I feel. "I'm not all male mentally. I want to also present as female".
I'm still going back and forth with transition "yes" and "no" with the "yes" far outweighing the "no". I had decided I am going to transition and start presenting slowly. But, I don't think I want to go full female with bottom surgery too but I'm not opposed to it. Maybe get somewhere in the middle but more on the feminine side. If it feels more right presenting more as female I'll go further.
Quote from: Asche on March 20, 2017, 08:52:13 AM
As usual, I'm the weird one.
I wasn't the one who made the decision. About 3 1/2 years ago, I read a post that made me consider that I might be trans. I started seeing a therapist (well, I started with a different one, but he was a dud), and one day during the session, I kind of heard a voice from what I assume is my unconscious (I call it my "inner oracle") that said, "you're going to transition. Just thought you'd like to know." I kind of went "what?" (inside my head, of course) and when I recovered, I tried to ask the Oracle exactly how it was going to happen, but it seems oracles don't answer follow-up questions. I had to handle the details myself.
This made me giggle, what a great story :)
Have been trawling the memory (hard work at my age!!!!) so this what emerged, when I was very young I would rather play with the Girls as I found the boys rough and aggressive. Next memory is going to a static caravan site on holiday and remember the site manager saying that a man had stayed in one van and when he left it was as a woman,the way he put it made it sound as he went to bed male and woke up female and the thought was I wish that could happen to me. Recon I was 12 or younger. The next one is watching musical films and wanting to dance---as the lead lady. Watching a famous female dancer on the telly and wanting to wear her dress that fanned out as she span, still do to be honest. I suppose T supressed this as working in a male job , not knowing about transitioning (70s) ect got in the way but it was being in a dead marriage (not from me) but how much can a person take of constant "gripes" that I just started crossdressing at first for sexual relief but then knowing that's where I needed to go till finally I had enough and went THIS IS ME . Now the adventure starts,watch this space