Well... Hi.
I don't certainly know where to begin so I'm just gonna start writting and hope to not forget anything or write way too much. Although I kinda need to vent a little, since I don't have anybody to talk to.
I don't know how to come out. I know it's different for everyone and so, but I'm just... terrified. I've been depressive for some years by now, I remember imagining how it'd be to runaway since I was like 6-7. Yeah, it could be pretty normal for a kid that age but that thought remained for years and slowly progressed into suicidal thoughts and such, and I've done some stupid things. Since some months ago I started to feel better (specially since I realized that part of the reason I always felt wrong for some unknown reason is that I am trans, and since I told someone I've known for like 7-8 years, although I just know her from the internet, and she was pretty cool about it and supportive), but lately I'm starting to get bad again. I've been stressed for various things, specially 'cause I'm about to end high school and I'm going to move to another city with my father, I'm waiting for the results of a very important exam, and time passes by and I'm getting older and I don't want to waste more time before I start with T. I just turned 18 yesterday, so I could technically start the treatment without my parents permission, and one of the main reasons I decided to move with my father was that in that city, there's a hospital that offers free T treatment to trans guys that were born in that city (and that's my case, but I moved when I was little). But I know that if I start T, it will eventually be noticeable and I will be forced to come out, and... I don't want that to happen.
The case... I started to have some problems with that girl I mentioned before. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any romantic feelings for her but she has been the only one that was there for me for a long time, and we usually write. Not chat, write. Like "co-writting a story" kind of thing. It's called role, but I don't know if anyone here knows what that is. And that role is like... I really need it. It usually keeps my anxiety away and I kind of developed a dependence on that. It helps me get away from reality. I don't talk to people and I'm completely unable to keep a friendship and I kind of don't need friends at all because social interactions get me anxious and they wear me out. But, without it, without the role... I have no way out. And from here I go to other thing. I was always different... Apart from not being feminine at all and not fit or felt comfortable being a girl, I... I don't know. I always had serious issues at socializing, since I was pretty little. I've been doing some research and while I know is stupid to selfdiagnose, I start to suspect that I might have Asperger or some kind of autism. Not too severe, but I've presented a lot of the symptoms, even when I was in kindergarten. And that would be kind of a relief, because it would explain a lot, but... I'm totally unable to talk to anybody, at least of "important" things. I can't tell my mother things like that I feel like life doesn't make sense, that I'm transgender, that maybe it would be good that I started to see a psychologist, and such.
And there's my problem. To me, family isn't that important. I'm just waiting for the day when I go far away from here and not having to see them everyday. I know that I wouldn't miss them. There have been times where I stayed alone in my home for like a week and I didn't have the the slightest need to speak to them or something, just the same I feel for the rest of the people. It's like... I wouldn't like that my mother died tomorrow, but... I don't feel like I belong to a family. Yeah, I have to live with these people because I was born in this situation, but apart from that... They're just people I have to live with, because I don't have any other option. All of this may sound rude or selfish on my part, but I'm being honest. I don't know if anyone has felt this way about their family, but... Yeah. Everytime I'm forced to, like, play a family board game, I feel anxious and uncomfortable and like if it was just not right and like if it was all a lie and stressed out and I just want to go back to my bed, alone. I don't hate them, I just... don't relate to them, if that makes any sense.
Maybe it would seem that I don't have that of a problem expressing myself by now for the way I'm writing, but when I try to talk to anyone... I just can't. I usually stutter, if I get to say something. Yeah, I can kind of keep a trivial conversation, in which I get bored and anxious, but apart from that... Nope. I can write, but usually just for myself or to this kind of forums, where I don't personally know anyone and probably never do. Well, not just personally, I mean... Like, I know I won't have any type of relationship with anyone.
Ok, I think I've already written too much about myself by now. The fact... Despite the situation with my family, I think that it would be best to come out to them. I mean, just maybe they would stop calling me she and making fun that I'm not feminine like my sisters and when I say that I'm not going to be a mother. The thing is that I feel like my mother wouldn't take me seriously. At all. She would say that even she, when she was a child, wanted to be a boy for some time because she wanted to pee standing up. She would say that transgender people are freaks and that I don't want to be one, and maybe she would take me to a psychologist to try to "correct" this because I am not "fine". And I don't want the situation here, with my mother and sisters, to become even more unconfortable and awkward than it already is.
And there's the thing that, if everything related to college goes well, I'll move with my father this summer. He lives with his girlfriend, with whom I have a good relationship, maybe even better than my father himself. I think I could maybe be able to come out to her, given that she is the only person I've been able to talk to about a lot, though not about how I feel. But, yeah, I would probably have to come out to them almost right after I arrive with them. Because I really want to go to college as a guy, and not to openly transition there. Kind of remain as stealth as possible, not to mention the fact that it will be some time before I can change my name and gender legally.
I've tried to come out to my mother but I'm never able to say a thing. I tried when we were alone at home, even writting it, but I can't. I just stay frozen there, in silence. Or never giving her the paper. I can't even tell her that I would maybe like to see a psychologist. I can't. And... Agh, I get so anxious. And fearful. Any advice? Maybe some of you passed through something similar to this, what did you do? Just... How?
And, changing subject... Given my age, if I start with T this year, what changes could I expect? Like, is there any chance that breasts will shrink? Or maybe I'll grow an Adam's apple? Is there the slightest chance that I'll grow up a little, in height? Maybe and being far too dreamy about this, buut anyway. xD
If you read all of that, well... Thank you, and sorry for writting thaat much.
Hi.
You are young. When I was 16-18 I hated my family. I could not wait to get out and live on my own feet. I moved when I turned 18.
What you feel today is not nessesary what you will feel in 5 or 10 years. Try to break with your parents, if you feel that is what you need, without making enemies. Hurt feelings take a very long time to heal.
How to come out...just as you said, that is individual. I believe it is very hard for me. I'm soon 40 years old. I am afraid of my husband's hurt feelings. But every day that passes makes it even harder.
You are insecure and nervous, so am I in this matter. Your feelings are important and your mom hurts your feelings saying stuff like that. But maybe you can gain courage and ask for a therapist who then can point you at the right direction, to a gender therapist.
Good luck!
Tony
Hey;
We seem to be similar in that I too never felt at home with my family. We're too different and I know as I get older we'll hardly be in contact at all which I'm fine with. And I too show symptoms of aspergers so that may explain some stuff. So this made it difficult for me to finally come out but when I did so I wrote an email to my dad saying how I felt in the past about my gender; how I feel now and my plans for the future regarding transitioning. Plus included helpful links. This way I was able to keep my thoughts in order. It didn't go well but I don't care. It's my life; I've been suffering for far too long. I have to do what I have to do and I'm not my dad's property. When coming out to relatives I kept it light by just saying I'm trans, this is my name and pronouns and email me if you have any questions. Suprisingly they have no issues with it and treat me the same. From my experience the people that aren't very close to you will be your best support.
As for T changes it's very unlikely you'll gain any height. For most people your growth plates will fuse together by the time you hit 18. Changes to your breasts will happen at any age. They won't necessarily shrink but will simply sag and lose fat. An Adam's apple is also possible at any age as it's simply caused by your larynx stretching and becoming thicker as your voice deepens. But it's also possible that it won't become noticeable; which is the same for cis men as well. How broad your shoulders are abd how square your face is are what people will immediately look at to judge you as male. People don't really care if a man has a visible adams apple or not.
Whoa wait are you me? Im serious I relate to all of that...the potential autism, the social anxiety, the inability to relate to family and to not miss them much. I get that so much o.0 ...I even used to have a friend I roleplayed with. STOP COPYING ME
All that aside, moving in with your father sounds like a good idea and Im glad you have a plan moving forward,
You'll probably have your voice deepen on T and a bit of a bit of an adam's apple, and facial hair, and a little less of a round face so you wont have to worry about the style of your hair or your clothes as much. Maybe you can grow taller, or stockier/muscular at least, if you finished growing taller then youre out of luck, but I think you stop growing at 21 if youre a late bloomer so thats a possibility. (In my opinion, the best part is no more menstuation!)
You can do it, Codes! Good luck!
Thank you all for your responses. c: I know I'm writing back pretty late but I've been busy and studying again and a little down sometimes buut anyway.
Really, thank you. I'll wait to see what happens, and gaining the corage to come out before I move with my father.
You're right, Tony. Although I don't hate or something like that, I just don't relate to them. But yeah, I'll be patient. And I hope everything goes well for you, too. It sounds pretty hard. Good luck too.
Hii Elis. It seems that autism is kinda common to some degree among trans folks, I read something about some time ago actually but don't remember much really. I'm glad you went through all that coming out thing so... Calm and good. Thank you for your advices. And yeah, I kind of already knew the height thing but oh well. xD And I'm not that worried about the adams apple actually, but it would be great anyway. Thank you!
Hahahaha oh god, WolfNight, we're twiiiins. xD Good to find someone whom I can relate to. I'm still a little nervous about moving with my father but hey, I think it will be a good thing. I reaally hope my face will be less round, we'll see. And yeah, probably that will be one of the best parts for me too, no more menstruation yay. Thank you!
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