I had a lot of hesitations before posting about this since I'm barely comfortable enough to even bring it up to myself since it pisses me off so damn bad, but eventually it has to come out. I'm not gonna have access to therapy for a little over one month cos my shrink's on a vacay, so I need some sort of insight.
I'm three months into transition. I'm yet to go through with top surgery. I plan on getting a phallo, but it won't be for a longer while yet since where I'm from, you have to be on T for at least a year before it's possible to start the process. It would then logically be the third surgery I get.
I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two women that understand and accept me more than I sometimes feel I deserve. Until I realized I had to transition, I spent 27 years completely unable to orgasm during intercourse, even when very turned on, because of dysphoria I didn't comprehend. When I started to take steps towards acceptance, I dabbled in using ''alternate methods'' (in other words, toys) and the dysphoria is so intense it puts me off of sex completely. For several months, I've been unable to bring myself to make peace with this. I figured maybe packing would be an option, since it would feel like it's actually -my- dick until I get the operation, but I feel cynical about what it could possibly change at this rate.
The most fascinating paradox in all this is that I like my body, and I think it's starting to look better and more me as time goes on. Problem is, my parts simply don't compute. I want to be able to be as straightforward and fierce as I want to be in bed, but this stops me, and I've been desperate to figure out how to get rid of the rages it gives me. It feels alienating. I've seen several guys on here talk about this and getting good answers but addressing it myself is still a liberating step I really needed to take.
I'm gonna mention a handful of things that have been getting to me lately since I hardly ever find it in me to post. Figures now that I'm started...
I have no idea how to talk about what's happening to me with my dad. He's my only remaining parent. We've been in a very strange relationship for years, I hardly ever see him, and when I do, he assures me he's always gonna see me as his daughter. I think I managed to get through to him about how he needs to not assume anything and take one day at a time, and that we need to reconnect more directly so we can figure out how to work through this together, but I'm lacking the energy at times to come up with a way we could do this with me being a 100% sincere with him with where I'm going with operations, etc. He often mentions he'd like me to be ''normal''. And I'm about to break it to him that I'm poly, plan on getting three surgeries, and feel much better as the man he never knew I was for 20+ years. I guess bringing it to him progressively could be an idea, but it would feel like I'm not being myself or going for white lies. That could complicate things further rather than resolve them.
Lastly, I don't know how you guys feel about the first few friendships you've had with Cis guys early into transition, but I'll say they are intricately complex more than I would have expected. I'm in a sports team with this guy I had some seriously intense feelings for, months ago. Ever since, we have a love hate relationship where everything he says and doesn't say to me, I automatically overthink. It feels I might've never accepted my feelings for him, be it when I noticed them at first or when they faded and turned into more of an overprotective older brother type of love. I end up in a place where I constantly misread him and end up hurting myself with it for no good reason. Not sure if anyone else has been through something like this? Feeling like you overthink a friendship as your ''deadname'' self would have instead of looking at it as a learning experience through your male perspective? It's been driving me bat->-bleeped-<-, and considering how ambitious we are with our sport, I worry it might make me suffer with a bad case of dysphoria for years to come. I'm not sure what to think.
This is a lot for one post, but I had to get it all out of my system. Thanks for reading me and for any thoughts and comments.
Dean
Hey Dean! You're a bit further down the road than me in terms of transitioning, so I can't speak to dynamics with cis males. But I have a suggestion that you throw only one thing at a time for your family to mull over... really overwhelming to get the news you're trans, planning a lot of surgeries, and the poly stuff all at once. ;) I've only come out to my immediate family so far and one friend, last spring/summer. Everyone else is waiting but that time's drawing near for me to finally start transitioning too. So my suggestion is to start with introducing the idea that you're trans, and let that settle a little before all the rest.
Regards the first part of your post, I think I know exactly what you mean. At this point I'm still trying to decide whether sex really is all that important or whether that situation will resolve itself with the right partner. Of course to turn my back on it is like turning my back on a significant part of myself I only just discovered 'properly'. It's not a predicament I'm enjoying, but I'm not sure if I will ever be able to enjoy it anyway, I suppose. If I think too deeply about it for now, I will get angry and/or depressed. I've not yet decided on any surgery for it; you have though so at least there is the possibility it will improve things for you.
Not sure you need to disclose all of those things to your dad; he doesn't sound like he will relish all the details as being poly is not seen as all that common either. I would just tell him the positive stuff not the gritty details, emphasize how it is proving to be good for your mind and happiness and how you'll be a better more productive/positive person as a result, or something like that.
As a bi guy myself, there's no place off limits from potential attractions to people. I haven't considered the differences between then and now because there basically has been no difference... I still keep any feelings for people so close to the chest they'll never know it unless I want them to, and I find they do complicate certain situations and relationships if you allow them to. I'm not sure if T is responsible or what but lately I've had a crush on someone that won't quit and it's bothering me; I've been thinking of them almost non stop since November and it's ridiculous and tiring. I never used to be this preoccupied by a particular person so intensely. So I guess I can see how it could be quite intrusive if your old feelings won't gel with your new. Not sure what you can do about it as I still haven't been able to deal with the thing myself. In the past I think I was able to distance myself or forget about people quite easily but really can't do it at the moment.