Recommend this link to gendertree.com about suppression of transgender feelings, something I have been doing for years!
http://www.gendertree.com/Building%20Your%20Own%20Prison.htm
This is exactly what I did for over 50 years. I am much happier now.
Gonna read this as soon as I get the chance and will comment! :)
Quote from: karenk1959 on March 27, 2017, 07:26:39 AM
Recommend this link to gendertree.com about suppression of transgender feelings, something I have been doing for years!
https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.gendertree.com/Building%2520Your%2520Own%2520Prison.htm&source=gmail&ust=1490701233797000&usg=AFQjCNGy2cFaV6dxY5KNFyhN4MQptxHU1A
Well-reasoned and thoughtful article from therapeutic perspective. Gives a good "big picture" framework for thinking about the "closeted" experience most of us have had and the social and self-constructed barriers we experience in considering transition.
This article might take you about a half hour to read. Especially useful for people engaged in or considering mid-life transition. Deals with MTF transition, but I have no doubt that folks going in the FTM direction would find it equally useful.
Thank you for posting this link, karenk1959!
So many aspects of this mirror my reality, oh my gosh. I'm trying really hard to not suppress and repress anymore but without assistance from a therapist (but I'm working on finding one!!! :D) I sometimes fall into old habits.
I'm more at risk of going too fast since having completely accepted it, but that's mentioned in the article too! :P
The article did ring a lot of bells with me, and pinpointed some closeted reactions I wasn't aware of. Thanks for sharing.
It's pretty damn accurate in alot of areas
I saved this article. I see now that I should be more cautious when I get the urge to reinforce my metaphorical closet. I was thinking earlier today how hard it might be to come out to my parents. I guess if I just let them see me start doing girlier things, they'll probably get suspicions that something is different with me. Then it wont be such a shock when I tell them.
Usually I can't help being super cautious about being closeted, so I do these masculine things to trick others into believing I'm male. But if I can frame behaving feminine as a matter of caution, so I wont be stuck later unable to come out, maybe I will be able to come out later.
I guess now that I realize it, I would just have to feed the fear of not being able to come out at all because of fear, then maybe I'll naturally start taking action so that fear wont ever become reality. This is opposed to feeding the fear of people finding out and rejecting me, which makes it harder to come out.
Acting against a fear (coming out) by learning to fear that fear (fearing coming out) itself... Usually I'd think it unwise to get over a fear with fear... It's worth a try.
I had to paste the text into another program because it was too small to read.
So much of it echoed with me as well.
It's extremely accurate. Thanks for sharing.
Interesting article. It seems that I did very little to suppress these feelings compared to most. I still did somewhat, and in some ways still do.
I never really was able to trick people, especially women, into thinking I was a masculine guy, so I didn't really try that hard. When I did try, I came off as being overly aggressive and they rejected me even faster. Really, I did much better when I left everything a bit ambiguous.
In some ways, I still think it works better, at least for me, to leave things ambiguous. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that and not feel closeted though.
I can definitely relate to the energy cost involved in keeping up appearances. While I have never been a "manly man", never attempted it I did find myself in situations where I had to play into the male social model just to get through the day. As I mentioned elsewhere on this forum I have had male fail most of my adult life. When I was struck with a rare form of epilepsy a few years ago I ended up going through the mid life crisis in my late 20s rather than early 40s. Also due to physical and mental exhaustion that comes with chronic health conditions the energy drain was that much more apparent.
All of this led to several near death experiences and I realized that the chance to truly live as myself was no guarantee as tomorrow I realized may just not come for me. This of course scared the crap out of me- thinking of the regret I would have on my deathbed for never having tried to transition.
It was only after I started transitioning socially that I realized how much extra mental energy I had and just how much I had closed off my emotional self to the world, myself and my family/friends.
Even with my social circle being in the know for a decade, I never quite realized how much effort it took in order to navigate the day in the male gender role.
Such a great read. Thanks!
So many parallels to my own life. Athlete in high school, military service, volunteering to serve in a theatre of war, a failed marriage with another that is rocky, children by three different women. A lifetime spent in denial and suppression of who I really am. The regrets of the years missed as the real me, the worries that I may have missed my "window of opportunity" to transition. Hopefully starting online therapy soon to work out these regrets and fears.
Wow, great article. So many truths, the biggest for me is how deep I am in the closet. I put myself there, and unpacking it is a huge task.
Article really helped me understand myself better so thanks for sharing.
Quote from: Brooke on March 30, 2017, 06:07:40 PM
I can definitely relate to the energy cost involved in keeping up appearances. While I have never been a "manly man", never attempted it I did find myself in situations where I had to play into the male social model just to get through the day. As I mentioned elsewhere on this forum I have had male fail most of my adult life. When I was struck with a rare form of epilepsy a few years ago I ended up going through the mid life crisis in my late 20s rather than early 40s. Also due to physical and mental exhaustion that comes with chronic health conditions the energy drain was that much more apparent.
All of this led to several near death experiences and I realized that the chance to truly live as myself was no guarantee as tomorrow I realized may just not come for me. This of course scared the crap out of me- thinking of the regret I would have on my deathbed for never having tried to transition.
It was only after I started transitioning socially that I realized how much extra mental energy I had and just how much I had closed off my emotional self to the world, myself and my family/friends.
Even with my social circle being in the know for a decade, I never quite realized how much effort it took in order to navigate the day in the male gender role.
Such a great read. Thanks
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So often the narrative for transwomen is the idea of feeling born in the wrong body.
I have always described it as being born into the wrong role and I got the body that goes with it but not the brain.
Also I feel that being in the male role was the most stressful thing and was very energy and emotionally draining.
It was when I learned about transition that I realized there was an option and a way out of that life.
So much happier now the male façade is gone.
From the moment I started presenting as female it never felt fake at all and I had no fear or stress about it.