I just discovered my true self as TG at the ripe old age of 57! I so very much want to look like a woman, but quite honestly and unfortunately, many TG MTF look like men dressed up like women, and not to insult anyone, some of the avatar pics on this website look incongruent, to put it euphemistically. I am afraid of surgery. I had bad experiences with elective surgery on my urinary bladder in the past. So, although in my heart I want to transition, I am afraid I am going to look silly. I know a lot of you will say you need to be true to who you are and self-confident, unfortunately a big part of the world will be thinking I look freaky. I don't think I can handle the stress arising from that.
Quote from: karenk1959 on April 01, 2017, 10:37:14 AM
I just discovered my true self as TG at the ripe old age of 57! I so very much want to look like a woman, but quite honestly and unfortunately, many TG MTF look like men dressed up like women, and not to insult anyone, some of the avatar pics on this website look incongruent, to put it euphemistically. I am afraid of surgery. I had bad experiences with elective surgery on my urinary bladder in the past. So, although in my heart I want to transition, I am afraid I am going to look silly. I know a lot of you will say you need to be true to who you are and self-confident, unfortunately a big part of the world will be thinking I look freaky. I don't think I can handle the stress arising from that.
I'm confused, what does someone else's looks have to do with you? It seems odd (and yeah, insulting) to criticize anyone's appearance on this site.
Your own self acceptance is the only thing that matters. Just work on that and you'll find that the world follows your lead.
Hugs, Devlyn
Whoa girly! You just discovered like what a week ago you are truly meant to be a woman?? Slow 'er down ;)
You concerns are not uncommon and indeed reasonable in regard to your personal jounrey (I will leave the bits your made about others in next paragraph). Hormones play a big affect but if your body has been damaged beyond hormonal repair via estrogen due to evil tesotsterone then you may have no other choice then to do the surgery. Again, its only nesisscary if YOU want it to be. I suggest seeing a therpaist over getting rid of that fear. Or you can get really good with hair and make-up. You see my avatar? well my hair is naturally bushy and curly at the same time! So I straithen it and my face, omg my face... I needed to get good at make up, from shaving at 8 am on Monday to the next morning at 8 am I have a mini beard (dark dark hair too) growing in. Super intrsuive. My advice is get Kat Von D make up at Sephora, covers that stuff up well :)!!
It will take time, but be posiitve. Its taken me for ever and I am slowly coming out of my shell to the world of acceptance... Abet, a long road to go still but each step means something :)
Alothugh Devlyn has one really good point. Unless you are unhappy with what you see dont be too worried about what others think (unless of course they are being hostile or rude). And yes, please dont offend other members. It kinda came across rude. Everyone has a journey to face and there are many members here still going through to process and dont need that kind of less then positive feed.
Love-Ashley!
I'd suggest you see a therapist. Then have them recommend you for HRT. Then after you've been on hormones for 6 months or so, revisit your concerns. You're just starting this journey and I assure you, if you follow through to any extent, your perspective and outlook will change. First you need to change your attitude.
Asking others to assuage your fears with anecdotal apocryphal stories or advice will not help you. A long journey begins with the first step.This journey is no different. So back up, way up, take stock, and call a gender therapist and make the appointment. Good luck and we'll be here for commiserating and cheer leading when you need us.
Get a gender therapist to help with the transition. They'll be able to give you a professional diagnosis, and recommend an endocrinologist, etc to get you started, your body has a lot of "damage" still, but fortunately a good portion can be corrected with just hormone therapy, I'm not going to sugar coat it though, FFS is practically mandatory after age 30 or so if you intend on complete stealth, but I don't want to scare you, you'll get 90% there without the FFS, the remaining 10% are things that most of the time you're going to be the only one that notices. Congratulations on entering the world of toxic beauty culture!
The transition is about how you feel about yourself and not about what other people think of you. If you are more comfortable as a male then maybe the transition isn't for you. For me, living as a male was something I could no longer do and I would still rather be read as a female than passing as a male. Other than that, there are 4 links you should look at.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,106815.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168444.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,210798.0.html
Quote from: karenk1959 on April 01, 2017, 10:37:14 AM
I so very much want to look like a woman, but quite honestly and unfortunately, many TG MTF look like men dressed up like women, and not to insult anyone, some of the avatar pics on this website look incongruent, to put it euphemistically.
Is there anybody here who is free of that kind of concern at all?
And many women I interact with everyday are afraid of taking photos with me. Of course, some women take photos with me if they respect themselves, regardless of whether they look sexy or ugly.
barbie~~
I assure you that you are not the first one to have these thoughts. Just do a search right here on this site for "man in a dress" or "dude in a dress" and you should get plenty of hits(30) to pore over and consider.
But why make it complicated? This journey isn't for everyone. Just ask yourself: "Which pain is greater?" Living a double life? Or in the words of brother Bob Marley "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds," accept yourself, let other people see what they want to see, which is what they are going to do regardless, and move on. But like I say, it's not for everyone. I won't sugar coat it. The decision is yours and comes at some cost. It might help to participate in a real life support group and interact with transgender women and see how we handle it in real life. You can go to meetings in drab. Lots of people do. There's always strength in numbers and these kinds of thoughts do get magnified and intensified if you are trying to transition in isolation.
HRT can help dysphoria a lot. You need not transition to get relief. I age 54.
Thursday I am presenting to a large group of professional engineers. I am totally out at work and manage a department.
I was very scared of surgeries, especially because I am alone.
I had FFS by Dr. Spiegel and did everything he recommended. I still am quite sensitive about my face and how I look. Others say I look cute but I still think I look male.
I just had hair replacement surgery and hopefully in 8 months that issue will be grealty improved.
I had GCS which I needed since I was very young. Surprising how much GCS positively effected me.
The breast augmentation is this summer and labiaplasty is 5/15.
I am working on voice now and may not need VFS, I will see.
Round 2 hair is next year for the crown.
This is my journey. I never thought I could do what I have done. I am a different person now than when I started. You need to figure out how you want to proceed.
You post was unintentionally hurtful to others. You may want to consider not judging others and focus on your journey and how you feel.
Welcome to Susan's and I hope you can find your path.
Hi Karen,
This whole process can be as slow as you'd like, the main intent of the therapies and surgeries are to make you feel more comfortable with yourself, but doing so takes huge courage. The courage to do what's best for you, the courage to confront your biggest fears, and the courage to accept yourself.
It's also going to be challenging, as you will have to face how much influence media and our friends/family has around gender, and the pressures of over idealised beauty standards, both of which cloud our judgement.
Some of us early on exhibit transphobia - essentially the derision is driven by a need to keep the dysphoria under control, through denial, contempt and anger - and this is part of the path that a gender therapist will explore with you - it's not uncommon, and some struggle with it while in transition too..
To paraphrase Michelle, maybe one day you'll be some lady, with an interesting past, and maybe, just maybe, we will see some of your transformation, in your avatars, with your pride in your success and achievements - and we will be here to support you every step of the way.
(Hugs)
Rowan
I have been on HRT for just under 7 months. I still feel like a dude in a dress, but I also feel better about myself than I have in years. Co-workers that I have not told are commenting on my recent change in moods. It really boils down to how it will make you feel. Sure, I'd like to look more feminine, but that isn't my only goal, and is actually moving down in the ranks of what is more important. Still working on the courage to go out in public as myself. It will come when it's time, and being relatively new to this as compared to others, I haven't even truly begun to see any major changes. The more I do this the more I understand that it is a road that I must travel, and that it is the journey that matters more than the goal.
I sincerely apologize to anyone I offended. I have posted previously that although I am grateful for the lessening of my depression from realizing my true self, I am not happy that I am TG. I would prefer to be cisgender in a heartbeat. As TG, I want to be a woman, that includes looking like one.
OK So I think the key thing here for you is that your anxiety over your appearance is not unique to you. I think we all go through that to some degree or another. Have you seen yourself dressed and made up as a woman. I'll tell you until I saw my reflection with full makeup and a wig I was horribly worried about what my appearance would be. The picture you see in my avatar is me without any hormone therapy. I realized I had a really promising start. Given a few years of hormones, I'm confident I will have very good results. A lot of that anxiety is gone.
Another thing that helped me was finding other members on this forum who were around my same age when they started transition. Seeing how well their transitions have gone helped alleviate my appearance concerns too.
Finally, as others have said, transition shouldn't be about how you look but how you feel. Yes just like any cis woman, I think most of us would love to be supermodel beautiful. Certainly we all want to be as "passable" as possible just to avoid awkward situations. However to think we'll ever achieve that level of idealistic beauty is just as unrealistic and unhealthy for us as it is for a cis-woman. The expectation that we'll be 100% passable and never mis-gendered or clocked is equally unrealistic and that's just something you have to accept. Your transition should be about making yourself comfortable that your body matches your gender.
I'll also echo that you're super early in this process and a seeking a qualified therapist who is experienced working with transgendered people. A therapist will help you deal with the flood of emotions you're dealing with and they'll also be a necessary component to your transition as previously noted.
Hi Karen,
I am in the community in Philadelphia. I have yet to meet someone that wants to be TG and I know a lot of trans.
It took me time to accept who I am and then more time to like myself. I dealt with self hate with my therapist for a while.
I still have times when it is difficult, things get close, but I pull out of it.
I wore some new spring outfits at work last week and I got compliments from 7 or 8 guys and a bunch of woman. I felt good about my cloths and how I looked.
I have a lot of makeup but do not wear it. I am going to cross that bridge next week. Just some light makeup.
I dealt with self hate with my therapist for a while.
I'd also have rather been constantly clocked than to not transition, because if i did not i would now be dead and despite how handsome my earthly remains may have been at my funeral, i chose life. Therapy is the way to go to deal with these concerns because they are valid and common to many.
To be honest there are times when i dress sort of androgynous with my hair in a pony and maybe only eyeliner on and i sort of like that unique look that tends to confuse people more, i don't want to shock people or incite their prejudice but i also want people to realize that gender expression is a spectrum and i am on it.
You'd be surprised how well you can feel about your looks even though they do not attain some pre-imagined standard of beauty. Sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and i am pretty pumped about the results thus far and how much has changed. Don't worry about others this is about you.
I started this journey at age 61. I have no illusions about going stealth: I am going to get clocked. The question is, why should I care?
It is not a rhetorical question. In some parts of the world, your safety requires that you care a lot. Fortunately, in the part of the world I live in, the worst that is likely to happen (assuming I stay out of dark alleys at night) is that some punk makes a rude comment. Hopefully you do not live in a dangerous place.
I am getting out more as myself these days, and nothing bad has happened yet. The other day, I spent several hours walking around the downtown area of the city, window shopping. I spoke to store clerks and baristas, and everyone was pleasant and polite. Did they clock me as trans? I would guess that likely 100% of them did. My voice would give me away if nothing else. (In one store, they punched in my member number, and my boy name came up on the screen. No hiding from that! I have since updated my records there.)
Did I care? Not a bit. I got to spend a day as myself, without my usual armour. It felt great, and I can't wait to do it again.
I tell this story because I started out from a place of fear, too. I still have some, though my therapist is helping me to be realistic about those fears, and giving me tools to help deal with situations that might occur. I was able to carry on regardless of the fear.
I have looked at myself in the mirror. For sure I am clockable as an AMAB trans woman. But I look like a happy trans woman, and that looks and feels pretty good.
Hi, Karen
Quote from: karenk1959 on April 01, 2017, 10:37:14 AM
I just discovered my true self as TG at the ripe old age of 57! I so very much want to look like a woman, but quite honestly and unfortunately, many TG MTF look like men dressed up like women, and not to insult anyone, some of the avatar pics on this website look incongruent, to put it euphemistically.
Do forgive the rambling that will follow. I'm not trying to make a point, but rather to put down the thoughts that your words brought up in my mind.
I think I understand your feelings. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you feel fearful that in pursuit of what you want you will be forfeiting a familiar place—a home where you know and are accepted by everyone—and may instead gain only rejection unless you attain your goal. You want to search for the holy grail but are afraid of not reaching it.
All who leave on such a quest have the same misgivings and fears. Those living the farthest away have the most to lose and naturally have the greatest misgivings. To embark it takes not only courage, but also a certainty that where one now is, no matter how safe it seems, is not the right place to be. Why else risk facing dragons in the unknown?
Those who do leave do so only because they feel that their current safe haven is not where they should be. Some have foreknowledge or a premonition that staying may destroy them, and for them embarking is the only way to stay alive. They are aware that risking ridicule is the price they may have to pay.
Quote from: karenk1959 on April 01, 2017, 10:37:14 AM
I am afraid of surgery. I had bad experiences with elective surgery on my urinary bladder in the past. So, although in my heart I want to transition, I am afraid I am going to look silly. I know a lot of you will say you need to be true to who you are and self-confident, unfortunately a big part of the world will be thinking I look freaky. I don't think I can handle the stress arising from that.
If what follows sounds trite I apologize. I'm not trying to be, but find it difficult to find the right words. I just hope the meaning comes across.
Some societies throughout history have been more accepting than others. In some people who left the safe framework were afforded respect. Since this is now rare, for many—perhaps most—virtual invisibility is an integral part of the grail.
While the surgical shapeshifting modern magicians can offer helps, all magic does carry risk and has a price. If one has in the past experienced failure it is natural to be afraid. If invisibility is essential, and fear or finances preclude the use of shapeshifting, one must do with what is left. Diet, physical exercise, voice training and hormones are always helpful (if not essential) to attain full invisibility even if one does choose to undergo surgery. Sometimes they are sufficient alone. All take effort and dedication to master, but are available even before one takes the first step outside one's door. In most cases there is no need to step out as soon as one hears the call, so one has time.
It is true that for some absolute invisibility is unattainable. The question then is whether the call is so strong that not obeying is ultimately more insufferable than listening. For many it is.
That said, once they step out some find that they can tolerate not being invisible. Acceptance is more important. Without self-acceptance it is hard to stay alive. (This probably often contributes to the decision to leave the safe place to start with.) Acceptance by others helps attain self-acceptance, and is itself attainable more by actions and attitude than appearance.
Ultimately I would like to completely match the image I see in my mind. If I can, I will. I await that day. For now, I inch toward it, doing daily what I am able to. For me at this point that is enough.
Quote from: karenk1959 on April 01, 2017, 04:05:30 PM
I sincerely apologize to anyone I offended. I have posted previously that although I am grateful for the lessening of my depression from realizing my true self, I am not happy that I am TG. I would prefer to be cisgender in a heartbeat. As TG, I want to be a woman, that includes looking like one.
Hi Karen,
No offense taken here, we do understand
Rowan
Thank you Zirconia. I found what you said very profound and helpful
Thanks Rowan, I am having difficulty dealing with all of these new and scary feelings. My heart goes out to everyone on this website and certainly would never want to make anyone feel bad
When I started hormones almost a year ago my thinking was: "I'm 53. How much could they do? I'll take them for the psychological benefits, and I'll keep dressing at home, and keep on being male at work."
Well, that has pretty much gone out the window. I am moving very fast toward the point of "male fail."
I got clocked and catcalled on Friday (see my post about it), so at least one person who figured out that I am trans also thinks I am hot enough to want for a date. Being pretty and feminine is nice, but be advised, there is a dark side to it as well. So be careful what you wish for.
Even if I were never 100 percent passable (full passability is extremely unlikely for me given the size of my hands and feet) I would still do this. I suffered massive, debilitating panic attacks for the last ten years before transition, and I still get them if I go anywhere or do anything in male mode.
I do not know if anyone mentioned this yet I got lazy and did not read though all the replies. Sorry my bad. But the best advice I can give you is to get ahold of a female impersonator that you admire and have her teach you how to pass. They can tell you a few tricks as long as you promise not to steal their jobs. Seriously some of them make me droll and it is hard to get around that fact that they are male.
Quote from: karenk1959 on April 01, 2017, 04:05:30 PM
I sincerely apologize to anyone I offended. I have posted previously that although I am grateful for the lessening of my depression from realizing my true self, I am not happy that I am TG. I would prefer to be cisgender in a heartbeat. As TG, I want to be a woman, that includes looking like one.
I take no offense. Just passing on my feelings, and how my perspective has shifted in such a short time.
Back some 40 or so years ago this 6ft tall, towering over the average male, balding, deeper then average voiced, frog hand, supersized feet person "Experimented" with transitioning. A few years later I tried it again. Both times utter fails. Both times totally consumed, haunted, obsessed with the dark cloud of "Some Guy in a Dress" enveloping me. Which it did, it showed. Not just I but others spotted it.
It took some 40 or so years later for me to step out into the light of day to feel , to live in sheer joy of being the real me out in the real world. A short time later I realized my lifelong dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. BTW, this was in rural West Virginia vs the NYC area of my youth
What changed? Well, I did get a little shorter thanks to unrelenting gravitational effects. I still wore a wig as before. It took loosing a boat load of Shame and Guilt about being trans. It took learning healthier ways to think. It took finally, in just a small way, to accept myself for who and what I am. It took finally ALLOWING myself to feel that deserve some joy in my life. That my feelings, needs, and wants do matter and are OK to seek them vs always doing "What was Expected"
In shoes with typical 2-3 inch heels I'm still 6ft tall. I still have a deep voice. I compensate for these by always trying to present as unambiguously female as I can be it in a skirt or jeans. Do I get clocked? I have no doubts I am. Do I care? As long as there isn't finger pointing, laughing, or worse, I don't care. I am being the real, totally genuine me in the real world.
And.... not to harp on a point well piled on, I've been out to various trans functions and seen and met women that at first you say to yourself..... Then when you talk to them you realize they exude the joy of being the real them in the real world and that is what matters.
It is a LOT harder job to change the way you feel about yourself, then your clothes. A TG Support Group and a couple of angels sent there to help me when I needed it most was an immense help. A For-Real Gender Therapist also helped. Even a Trans-Friendly therapist will be good to help with core issues and especially to ask the you the questions you don't want to hear and get you to think about things you would rather ignore
Quote from: JoanneB on April 02, 2017, 07:10:43 AM
Back some 40 or so years ago this 6ft tall, towering over the average male, balding, deeper then average voiced, frog hand, supersized feet person "Experimented" with transitioning. A few years later I tried it again. Both times utter fails. Both times totally consumed, haunted, obsessed with the dark cloud of "Some Guy in a Dress" enveloping me. Which it did, it showed. Not just I but others spotted it.
It took some 40 or so years later for me to step out into the light of day to feel , to live in sheer joy of being the real me out in the real world. A short time later I realized my lifelong dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. BTW, this was in rural West Virginia vs the NYC area of my youth
What changed? Well, I did get a little shorter thanks to unrelenting gravitational effects. I still wore a wig as before. It took loosing a boat load of Shame and Guilt about being trans. It took learning healthier ways to think. It took finally, in just a small way, to accept myself for who and what I am. It took finally ALLOWING myself to feel that deserve some joy in my life. That my feelings, needs, and wants do matter and are OK to seek them vs always doing "What was Expected"
In shoes with typical 2-3 inch heels I'm still 6ft tall. I still have a deep voice. I compensate for these by always trying to present as unambiguously female as I can be it in a skirt or jeans. Do I get clocked? I have no doubts I am. Do I care? As long as there isn't finger pointing, laughing, or worse, I don't care. I am being the real, totally genuine me in the real world.
And.... not to harp on a point well piled on, I've been out to various trans functions and seen and met women that at first you say to yourself..... Then when you talk to them you realize they exude the joy of being the real them in the real world and that is what matters.
It is a LOT harder job to change the way you feel about yourself, then your clothes. A TG Support Group and a couple of angels sent there to help me when I needed it most was an immense help. A For-Real Gender Therapist also helped. Even a Trans-Friendly therapist will be good to help with core issues and especially to ask the you the questions you don't want to hear and get you to think about things you would rather ignore
Not to derail but why did you live in West Virginia? The state of Virginia looks aboslultey beautiful and amazing and is the most progressive state in the south but I havent a clue about WV and what its like, please educate :)?? It is funny. In 1996 West Virginia voted heavily for Bill Clinton whereas Virginia went for Bob Dole, 20 years later Bills wife Hilary lost WV by the worst smashing in that states history for either party whereas Virginia, the state Bill lost both times was her only southern win... Sorry, huge poltical nerd that loves to post meaningless crap no-one cares about... Maybe that is my slightly autistic side coming out ;)?
Virginia is pretty much spilt. You have Northern Virginia (close to D.C.) which is mostly Democratic. All the rest is still pretty much Republican.
Last Election, Republicans where in the lead in Virginia until Northern Virginia started having results which tipped the scale.
So it depends where in Virginia you would consider living.
But you are right: WV is even more conservative...
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on April 02, 2017, 08:26:56 PM
Not to derail but why did you live in West Virginia? The state of Virginia looks aboslultey beautiful and amazing and is the most progressive state in the south but I havent a clue about WV and what its like, please educate :)?? It is funny. In 1996 West Virginia voted heavily for Bill Clinton whereas Virginia went for Bob Dole, 20 years later Bills wife Hilary lost WV by the worst smashing in that states history for either party whereas Virginia, the state Bill lost both times was her only southern win... Sorry, huge poltical nerd that loves to post meaningless crap no-one cares about... Maybe that is my slightly autistic side coming out ;)?