So recently I have been having troubles in which I start to doubt myself because the notion that maybe it's all just a fetish keeps entering my head and it's causing me a fair amount of mental distress. I used to tell myself constantly that my problem was a reallllly strong fetish when I was intent on being cis. But at the same time, regardless of whether or not there was ever a sexual aspect to it all, I feel a more personal aspect to it all in that I genuinely like to feel more feminine and dress more femininely. It makes me feel more connected to myself. So because of the worry (which isn't constant but is currently frequent) I start to ask myself why. Why do I want to dress in women's clothing? Why does it make me feel a little bit more whole? Why do I have such a pull to look more feminine? Why is it appealing to me? And I don't quite have answers if I go deep enough into questioning why. It just is. Regardless of what made me discover how I feel, whether it was because of some weird sexual aspect or because I just feel that way, I do feel happy when I dress more femininely or do something that makes me feel more in touch with my feminine side or even makes me feel like a woman (if I can manage to feel like a woman I am probably ecstatic). I really don't think it's some perverse arousal. I think I genuinely feel joyful about it. So I guess my question is does it matter that I may not know why I feel a certain way about things? Could it just be what it is? Am I getting too caught up in the why?
I remember reading something once:
"You don't choose to be a crossdresser, it chooses you.
Swap out your choice of gender identifier and this works for anyone. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I think it's necessary to note (although I conveniently forgot to mention it before) that my questioning why I feel the way I feel and desire to have these things also extends to things outside of crossdressing such as wanting to have boobs and just generally be physically feminine.
Although there's no specific sexual appeal to being male for me, there are certain aspects that appeal to pleasure centers of the brain. Being dominant, for example. For some people being in a dominant position does actually stimulate their brain somehow, some just have a compulsion for it. I think I must have inherited that one. It's not the reason I chose to transition at all, but it is one aspect of it that I feel positive about rather than negative about.
Why do I feel positive about it? I don't really know, it seems to be in my nature; ironically when in a dominant position I'm a nice guy, I'm cool-headed and protective of others, and I won't actually seek to overbear on anyone. Being shoved into the submissive box doesn't work - I get angry, I get unmanageable, I can be nasty when put into a place and a position under threat and it never stays that way for long. Put in the right environment with a modicum of respect shown and I'm a happy animal, nice to everyone.
So who knows? I've heard people argue there's a sexual aspect to dominating behavior and power struggle and that could be the case. Yet I don't believe in my case there's much of that to it, and it didn't inform any decisions to transition as far as I know. It just feels good to be myself, and not be seen as strange for having confidence or leading the show. As you say, it just is.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 03, 2017, 07:48:52 PM
I remember reading something once:
"You don't choose to be a crossdresser, it chooses you.
Swap out your choice of gender identifier and this works for anyone. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I had read that quote on this forum once and I forget when and where but that actually makes me feel more comfortable knowing that it's okay that all this just kind of happened, I may not have a reason for everything, and it wasn't a logical, deliberate choice but rather an overwhelming urge or personal desire that eventually boiled over and I gave in until I realized that this isn't just something I want to do occasionally but something I want to start doing on a more permanent basis. Thank you. :)
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 07:39:37 PM
I used to tell myself constantly that my problem was a reallllly strong fetish when I was intent on being cis.
If I may ask, why did you tell yourself that?
Quote from: Sephirah on April 03, 2017, 08:03:53 PM
If I may ask, why did you tell yourself that?
Sephirah if I may say it is super nice to have you back on here at Susans ^^
Quote from: Kylo on April 03, 2017, 08:00:44 PM
Although there's no specific sexual appeal to being male for me, there are certain aspects that appeal to pleasure centers of the brain. Being dominant, for example. For some people being in a dominant position does actually stimulate their brain somehow, some just have a compulsion for it. I think I must have inherited that one. It's not the reason I chose to transition at all, but it is one aspect of it that I feel positive about rather than negative about.
Why do I feel positive about it? I don't really know, it seems to be in my nature; ironically when in a dominant position I'm a nice guy, I'm cool-headed and protective of others, and I won't actually seek to overbear on anyone. Being shoved into the submissive box doesn't work - I get angry, I get unmanageable, I can be nasty when put into a place and a position under threat and it never stays that way for long. Put in the right environment with a modicum of respect shown and I'm a happy animal, nice to everyone.
So who knows? I've heard people argue there's a sexual aspect to dominating behavior and power struggle and that could be the case. Yet I don't believe in my case there's much of that to it, and it didn't inform any decisions to transition as far as I know. It just feels good to be myself, and not be seen as strange for having confidence or leading the show. As you say, it just is.
I really appreciate your response. Thank you. :)
Your response also jogged my memory a little bit. It just occurred to me that it might be possible that the sexual aspect is just associated with the picturing female genitalia or picturing having sex as a woman and that I just have a very sexualized mind at the moment. I know in the past that I have been very loathing of myself over my libido, feeling that my sex drive does not suit me whatsoever and even goes so far as to
betray who I am as a person, misrepresenting my personality and my identity. I am not a very sexual person by nature, but I feel like I have a libido that is just WAAAAY over the top for who I am and the person that I want to be. For quite a while I have actually felt pretty dysphoric about my libido.
Personal opinions follow...
Yes and no.
I think it's healthy to question why. I wondered the same for a bit. Then I realized that the thought was arousing but in reality when I dressed it wasn't. The more I presented female the more I realized how good I felt inside and not in a sexual way.
I'm not saying it's bad if you do but in my case it was reassuring that I didn't have a desire to... Squeeze one out while en-fem.
From your description I think you are following in a similar path as I did/am.
Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Sephirah on April 03, 2017, 08:03:53 PM
If I may ask, why did you tell yourself that?
I believe my agenda was rooted in the fact that I was afraid I wouldn't have biological children. I was so afraid I would have no legacy via genetic offspring and that how I felt would ruin my life that I decided it was necessary at any cost to stay male. I now see how detrimental that was to my life, seeing as it through me into depression for years.
Also, if I remember correctly, I might have been particularly scared when my repression started because I was starting to constantly feel the desire to medically transition, even after masturbating and when not turned on. I don't remember exactly, but I feel like this may have been the case.
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 07:39:37 PMI really don't think it's some perverse arousal. I think I genuinely feel joyful about it. So I guess my question is does it matter that I may not know why I feel a certain way about things? Could it just be what it is? Am I getting too caught up in the why?
I have been exactly where you are. As long as I tried to convince myself that the answer could not possibly be that I was trans, I had no answer and I continued to ask why. As soon as I let the thought in that maybe I was trans, the "why" disappeared, because that was the answer.
My internal dialogue consisted of, "I wonder if I an trans?" "No way" "I wonder if I an trans?" "No way" etc. The reason I kept asking the same question over and over was because I kept on getting the wrong answer. As soon as I let the right answer be possible, the questioning stopped.
What you have described does not sound to me like a fetish. And obviously it doesn't sound like it to you either. It is easy to sexualize it because of our male hardware, but thet wasn't where it was coming from for me, and it doesn't sound like it for you either.
If the questioning is driving you bonkers, it is all right to let go of it for a while. But consider that you might already know the answer.
Quote from: Denise on April 03, 2017, 08:11:25 PM
Personal opinions follow...
Yes and no.
I think it's healthy to question why. I wondered the same for a bit. Then I realized that the thought was arousing but in reality when I dressed it wasn't. The more I presented female the more I realized how good I felt inside and not in a sexual way.
I'm not saying it's bad if you do but in my case it was reassuring that I didn't have a desire to... Squeeze one out while en-fem.
From your description I think you are following in a similar path as I did/am.
Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk
You see, your past realization is the point I'm at now. I am just starting to realize that even wearing women's underwear is not something I desire to do because of some sexual desire, but because it makes me feel good inside. As soon as I start to tuck then putting my genitalia in an awkward position seems to make blood flow, but after I finish tucking and leave it be for a little while it goes back to just personal interest, no sexual interest whatsoever.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 03, 2017, 08:14:00 PM
I have been exactly where you are. As long as I tried to convince myself that the answer could not possibly be that I was trans, I had no answer and I continued to ask why. As soon as I let the thought in that maybe I was trans, the "why" disappeared, because that was the answer.
My internal dialogue consisted of, "I wonder if I an trans?" "No way" "I wonder if I an trans?" "No way" etc. The reason I kept asking the same question over and over was because I kept on getting the wrong answer. As soon as I let the right answer be possible, the questioning stopped.
What you have described does not sound to me like a fetish. And obviously it doesn't sound like it to you either. It is easy to sexualize it because of our male hardware, but thet wasn't where it was coming from for me, and it doesn't sound like it for you either.
If the questioning is driving you bonkers, it is all right to let go of it for a while. But consider that you might already know the answer.
I know that same internal dialogue really well. I definitely relate to your experience. Thank you for your response. :)
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 08:13:24 PM
I believe my agenda was rooted in the fact that I was afraid I wouldn't have biological children. I was so afraid I would have no legacy via genetic offspring and that how I felt would ruin my life that I decided it was necessary at any cost to stay male. I now see how detrimental that was to my life, seeing as it through me into depression for years.
Also, if I remember correctly, I might have been particularly scared when my repression started because I was starting to constantly feel the desire to medically transition, even after masturbating and when not turned on. I don't remember exactly, but I feel like this may have been the case.
I see. It's not at all uncommon to feel that way, sweetie. :) I've seen it with a lot of people.
Another question, if that's okay. How does it make you feel thinking about that. And the reason why? How does it make you feel if you ditch all of that and think about what it is you want for yourself?
It seems to me you're answering your own questions. Keep going :) *hugs* What is it that makes you feel joyful when you get in touch with your feminine side, would you say? Forget where it all comes from and focus on your feelings for the moment. Can you express what's going through your mind?
(sorry, I know it's a lot of questions but... I'm a nosy... erm... cow, lol. ;) )
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on April 03, 2017, 08:08:13 PM
Sephirah if I may say it is super nice to have you back on here at Susans ^^
*blushes* I'm not really back, sweetie. Not yet. But thank you, very much. *huggles*
Quote from: Sephirah on April 03, 2017, 08:24:10 PM
I see. It's not at all uncommon to feel that way, sweetie. :) I've seen it with a lot of people.
Another question, if that's okay. How does it make you feel thinking about that. And the reason why? How does it make you feel if you ditch all of that and think about what it is you want for yourself?
It seems to me you're answering your own questions. Keep going :) *hugs* What is it that makes you feel joyful when you get in touch with your feminine side, would you say? Forget where it all comes from and focus on your feelings for the moment. Can you express what's going through your mind?
(sorry, I know it's a lot of questions but... I'm a nosy... erm... cow, lol. ;) )
*blushes* I'm not really back, sweetie. Not yet. But thank, you very much. *huggles*
How can you not be back!! I love our chats :O <3 hehehe
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 07:39:37 PM
So I guess my question is does it matter that I may not know why I feel a certain way about things? Could it just be what it is? Am I getting too caught up in the why?
I would say. Yes.
There are other ways of knowing besides analytical, statistical and methodological. There is also intuitive knowing. That's your feelings. Oh and btw, instinctual knowing is a stereotypical woman thing.
If it feels right . . .
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 08:08:57 PM
I really appreciate your response. Thank you. :)
Your response also jogged my memory a little bit. It just occurred to me that it might be possible that the sexual aspect is just associated with the picturing female genitalia or picturing having sex as a woman and that I just have a very sexualized mind at the moment. I know in the past that I have been very loathing of myself over my libido, feeling that my sex drive does not suit me whatsoever and even goes so far as to betray who I am as a person, misrepresenting my personality and my identity. I am not a very sexual person by nature, but I feel like I have a libido that is just WAAAAY over the top for who I am and the person that I want to be. For quite a while I have actually felt pretty dysphoric about my libido.
No problem.
I can relate to what you say as well; libido presented problems and distortions, before and after. I understand fully now how testosterone affects it against one's will even. In my case I feel much better than I did about having one, and I'm no longer repressing myself about it, which is nice. With a wider perspective on it now I recall how freeing it could be not to be bothered with sexual thoughts anywhere near as often.
They don't have much sway over me, but T gives me a run for my money on this one. I suppose in the same way T betrayed your personality I had the same problem with E causing me to express more than I was comfortable doing. HRT should go some ways to reducing it for you and the dysphoria it may bring, yes?
Nothing wrong with wondering why, in fact, curiosity is a sign of intelligence.
I was outed as nonbinary, bigender partial transmale in 2013, after I'd been living as a hetero female all my life, suppressing instincts contrary to that perception and having panic attacks and depression. After that, I accepted both my male and female sides while doing extensive research, reading transgender autobiographies, science articles, to gain information, etc.
I found that:
1. Everyone is on a gender sliding scale. Even the most femme female and macho males average only 80% of their bio gender traits. Furthermore, 35% of Millennials identify as transgender but think it's no big deal.
2. Most people are on a sexual orientation sliding scale. When assured of complete anonymity, 85% of adults admitted same-sex attraction at least part of the time.
3. Babies get their bio gender in the first trimester of pregnancy, and their brains are hard-wired with gender hormones during the second trimester. All babies get both male and female hormones, but usually the majority of hormones match the bio gender unless the mother is:
a. taking certain drugs
b. highly stressed
c. has recently had a baby of the opposite gender
d. has had several boy babies in a row, in which case the mother can build up an immunity to male hormones and block them from her womb.
e. is mixed gender herself; for instance, many Asians are androgynous
4. Male traits mostly stay on the right side of the brain, and female traits on the left hemisphere.
5. People who have the highest percentage of gender traits that match their bio genders - the most femme females and most macho males-have the best chance of successfully establishing relationships and procreating. However, they also have the lowest IQs.
The more the gender sliding scale moves toward the middle of the scale, usually the higher the IQ. Androgynous people are the great scientists, artists, writers, people who change the world. But they also are typically the least successful in relationships and raising kids. They are too busy inventing things, writing books, directing movies, acting in movies, writing scripts, etc.
Why am I partially transmale?
My mother is partly Cherokee and has a lot of strong male traits. But beyond that, I was conceived by accident, only two months after my brother was born and I absorbed the male hormones still in my mother's womb. This is common even in animals.
Both sides of my brain were initialized with hormones, so I am both male and female; bigender/gender fluid, with the ability to be either in the female or male mode, with corresponding tastes, hobbies, preferences and world views.
I take a Thai herb, derris scandens, because I found it not only eliminates most of my dysphoria, but it blends my two gender modes so that I feel androgynous, as though I am both genders, and no longer jump from one to the other.
Modify message
Quote from: Sephirah on April 03, 2017, 08:24:10 PM
I see. It's not at all uncommon to feel that way, sweetie. :) I've seen it with a lot of people.
Another question, if that's okay. How does it make you feel thinking about that. And the reason why? How does it make you feel if you ditch all of that and think about what it is you want for yourself?
It seems to me you're answering your own questions. Keep going :) *hugs* What is it that makes you feel joyful when you get in touch with your feminine side, would you say? Forget where it all comes from and focus on your feelings for the moment. Can you express what's going through your mind?
(sorry, I know it's a lot of questions but... I'm a nosy... erm... cow, lol. ;) )
*blushes* I'm not really back, sweetie. Not yet. But thank you, very much. *huggles*
Thank you for your support. I haven't had a conversation with you before but you're really nice and I like talking with you already. :)
How does it make me feel thinking about not having kids, you mean? Perhaps I am misreading the question. My desire to have children is mostly just a social formality that I had running through my head as a child and an expectation that I had for myself because I was afraid I couldn't be remembered if I had no progeny. As soon as I reject that I NEED to have children, I feel calm and the desire to medically transition becomes even stronger. Sometimes I also wonder if just being happy has the ability to turn me on, because feeling free to transition in a comfortable fashion makes me insanely euphoric.
As for why I feel happy about getting in touch with my feminine side, the answer is really simple. Being more feminine feels right; I feel more connected. With myself on the inside, with the world, all of the above are plausible answers. I just in general feel more connected. The first times that I tried wearing makeup allowed me to see a girl rather than a depressed guy, and I felt like I had finally seen myself again, like I saw a face I recognized. I had gotten lulled into this sense of security in seeing a face that I originally was surprised by how little it looked like the me I knew but at the same time thought had an attractive face, if that makes any sense. Seeing a girl stare back in the mirror made me proud. It made me feel complete.
Quote from: Kylo on April 03, 2017, 08:30:09 PM
No problem.
I can relate to what you say as well; libido presented problems and distortions, before and after. I understand fully now how testosterone affects it against one's will even. In my case I feel much better than I did about having one, and I'm no longer repressing myself about it, which is nice. With a wider perspective on it now I recall how freeing it could be not to be bothered with sexual thoughts anywhere near as often.
They don't have much sway over me, but T gives me a run for my money on this one. I suppose in the same way T betrayed your personality I had the same problem with E causing me to express more than I was comfortable doing. HRT should go some ways to reducing it for you and the dysphoria it may bring, yes?
I hope HRT does have that effect. I tend to look forward quite heavily to going through HRT. The idea of going through female puberty just makes me really giddy. :D
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 08:34:41 PM
Thank you for your support. I haven't had a conversation with you before but you're really nice and I like talking with you already. :)
How does it make me feel thinking about not having kids, you mean? Perhaps I am misreading the question. My desire to have children is mostly just a social formality that I had running through my head as a child and an expectation that I had for myself because I was afraid I couldn't be remembered if I had no progeny. As soon as I reject that I NEED to have children, I feel calm and the desire to medically transition becomes even stronger. Sometimes I also wonder if just being happy has the ability to turn me on, because feeling free to transition in a comfortable fashion makes me insanely euphoric.
Well, I mean how do you feel knowing why you told yourself that? Knowing that maybe it was... hmm... a means to an end, you know? I mean... there are different ways to have kids, if that's what you really want for yourself. It's possible to impart a legacy on folks even if they aren't blood. If you love and care for them, then that doesn't matter. There are young people looking for the love of a parent in the world. To have that influence in their lives. I think it's possible to have both, if that's what you want.
I can certainly understand your fears, though. I am allergic to children, very probably. So I'm somewhat up a certain creek, lol. But I think that the effect you can have on others' lives can be just as much of a legacy, if you're in a place where you're able to think beyond yourself and be there for others. And lifting the malaise you feel would certainly go a long way towards that.
I think being happy can be intoxicating. If it's something you haven't experienced in any real way before.
QuoteAs for why I feel happy about getting in touch with my feminine side, the answer is really simple. Being more feminine feels right; I feel more connected. With myself on the inside, with the world, all of the above are plausible answers. I just in general feel more connected. The first times that I tried wearing makeup allowed me to see a girl rather than a depressed guy, and I felt like I had finally seen myself again, like I saw a face I recognized. I had gotten lulled into this sense of security in seeing a face that I originally was surprised by how little it looked like the me I knew but at the same time thought had an attractive face, if that makes any sense. Seeing a girl stare back in the mirror made me proud. It made me feel complete.
*smiles*
I think you've answered the question you posed in this thread, sweetie. The things you're saying are... well, extremely similar to the way a lot of other folks have felt at that point in their lives. I think if you read this back, then you will likely see the answer for yourself. :)
The why is something that keeps a lot of people up at night way more than it probably should. A lot of people start at very different origins in their journey but all end up at the same destination. The why is... well, I'm not so sure it's as important as how you feel, you know? How you feel within yourself and what you want for yourself. Maybe focus on that when thinking about the next steps to take. It's so much harder to analyze a feeling. To give a reason to something that evokes such a primal response within us.
One last question. Close your eyes. Where do you see yourself in the future? If your future could be anything you wanted it to be... what would that be? And why?
*hugs*
Let me think this out. If a cis-woman puts on something sexy, enjoys her womanness (could mean different things to different individuals), feels sensual in being herself, would we call that a fetish? I don't think so. But if a trans woman does the exact same thing, we are so ready to think, "Oh this could be a fetish." I think it is more likely guilt that we put on ourselves to say that there must be something wrong with this/me. I truly believe, because I have been there, that feeling sexual feelings when first exploring the female side is totally natural and normal. Sexual feelings in no way contradicts the strong general pull that being the correct gender has for a trans person. It is a part of being pulled toward a gender. It doesn't make sense to have to completely separate out the two to have legitimate transgender inclinations.
I would look at the totality of what you want. If it is very specific like wanting a certain type of panties and that is all. Well that might be called a fetish. You are describing a much bigger general picture of what you want. It involves your identity as a person. That is no fetish. I would suggest a better yardstick than do you have sexual feelings. I would want to know how it makes you feel to be treated as a woman. Do you feel more comfort as a woman. Do you have a strong pull to only one gender? If you are pulled both ways, maybe non binary is a term you might view yourself as. I wouldn't get hung up on the sexual desire part.
Monica
Quote from: ImSomething on April 03, 2017, 07:39:37 PM
So recently I have been having troubles in which I start to doubt myself because the notion that maybe it's all just a fetish keeps entering my head and it's causing me a fair amount of mental distress. I used to tell myself constantly that my problem was a reallllly strong fetish when I was intent on being cis. But at the same time, regardless of whether or not there was ever a sexual aspect to it all, I feel a more personal aspect to it all in that I genuinely like to feel more feminine and dress more femininely. It makes me feel more connected to myself.
Your story echoes mine quite strongly. Fear not, it is perfectly normal and you can just as easily be transgender as a horny crossdresser. As with me, I suspect your overriding desire to be feminine beyond sexual kicks is evidence that you are truly TG and not just a guy with a fetish. You cannot be blamed for finding it sexy. Men don't get to dress and feel sexy, they don't get tight, sensual, light fabrics to wear or revealing clothes and colourful nails and makeup. Plus you're sexually interested in women and you love to see women in the same type of clothes as you wear so of course you'll get off on it all :)
I found that the more I embraced dressing on a social level, the sexual lust dissipated and I was left with a sense of feeling sexy (and complete). This confirmed I wasn't being driven by my dick but at the same time, I miss those spine-tinglingly erotic moments when I'd pull sheer tights over my legs.
I've PM'ed you my video interview. The sexual content is at 16 mins 12 secs.