I'm so tired of it I hate being t with a passion...so much do I wish I could be a regular girl whos life wasn't so complicated and wasn't deprived of so much due to this awful condition... I really hate being trans, I hate how I look, I hate people and society as a whole...theres so few things that make me happy like my boyfriends one of the only things that does and I went through hell dating trying to find him...I feel so jaded and bitter with life. I'm so tired of seeing peoples hate on the internet everyday, being terrified to try to get a job, feeling self conscious going places, feeling ugly, feeling like people are judging me or I'm a mistake or a burden....im so broken really... I don't regret "transitioning" in the slightest...to me its like a cancer patient regretting chemo therapy even though there cancer went in to remission...ya I'm "better" but I don't have the determination or strength to save up for surgeries yet I'm still not happy or confident...I have zero real life friends and just ugh I don't understand people on here who are "happy" to be trans at all....
They are happy because they accept it for what it is, and by accepting it, they can feel happy.
To me, being transgender is no different than cancer, Xtreme diabetes, a mental handicap.... but the difference is society accepts those conditions, whereas transgender is look *sometimes* as a fault of the person like it's a mental illness, when it's not a mental illness, but a biological defect no different than being born with down syndrome. It's not a perversion.
But really accepting it is the only solution for happiness, otherwise we would all be locked up in our rooms, drinking our lives away, watching soap operas, and reruns... then the landlord knocks on the door and we have to pay our rent.... and you keep eating away, as the kittens in the cupboards purr away... and you keep eating, and then they open the door and put you in a crazy home.
Acceptance is the only thing.
----
Life does suck... just got to look for the good moments in it, otherwise, I would be a fat non-passable cat woman on disability waiting for an early death, and maybe find some fat-old *he still got to be tall* husband who does the 9 to 5, and still loves me when I'm ugly, and I'm like 30-something and he's like 55 to 60 to give a reason to be with me. And we just live in some rundown trailer in the boonies, and live happily ever after... **actually I would be happier living that life than the one I am living right now lol**
I was and still am depressed because of the opposite. I hid who i was. Then I came out to my wife and started wearing women's clothes. When I'm dressed I feel so happy. I feel i am who I'm meant to be. However my wife is threatening to leave if i tell anyone or go out dressed. But now i have felt how i feel there is no going back. If she leaves she leaves. Its not a condition btw, its just a different form of gender.
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Anna,
Self acceptance is so very important. It must be number 1 on your to do list!
In my opinion, my being trans is just a state of my mind. Nobody else can read my mind. If I don't tell people my trans history, they do not know.
Many people live single lives and many times being single is much better than a bad relationship. I understand the need for younger people to feel connected. As we get older, other things such as work or family take over. Just decide what you want to do and do it. There will be other people there as well.
Since I realized I was trans, my life couldn't be any happier.
Being in the early stages of my transition, I totally feel you, Anna. Sometimes I just think I am out of effs to give. Not sure where you are in your transition, but talking with older T friends makes me think that it can sometimes take years, even a decade, to feel truly comfortable in your own skin again. It's definitely a long journey. FWIW, you look absolutely STUNNING and I wouldn't be surprised if that's at least part of the reason you might be getting some lingering looks that you are interpreting as judgment. I'm rooting for you, Anna! :-*
On happiness:
I have spent many years being depressed about who I was and the fact I was not born female. I spent years praying that god would change me, or hoping that there was some magic in the world that could undo what nature made. But the reality of it is, this is how I was born. The only way I could not be depressed any more was to address the cause of the depression--the fact that I was not living my life as me. So I opened the closet door and came out.
Do I regret not having been born female, or not having the experiences of growing up as a girl...I did, but I have accomplished so much in my life, that I would not be where I am at today without the experiences I have gone through thus far in my life. It reminds me of an old saying:
"If I could change one thing about my life, it would change so much I could not call it 'my life'."
So am I happy being a trans-woman? I actually don't think of it much. I am happy being me. I am happy with my life. I am happy with the things I have, the people I know, my family, and most importantly my friends. So when it comes to being happy, all I can say is I am happy because I choose to be happy. I choose to not let the awful, horrible things that some in society say or do affect me, because I am a good, decent, and caring person.
By no means do I wish to portray my life as perfect. There are of course things I wish to change and make better. Some of these things directly relate to me being trans, some do not. Ultimately, the sum of everything makes me human...and I want to be a happy human.
I am happy being me, and being trans is only a small part of who I am; I don't let it define me as a person. If you dwell on negativity that is all that you will see.
Not my forum, but I feel exactly how you describe it. Being trans is suffocating. I also have zero real life friends. At least we are not alone.
Being trans doesn't make me depressed. It is just the way I am, neither inherently good nor bad.
What makes me depressed is feeling stuck. I was stuck for several decades. When my progress feels like it is too slow (It is actually pretty quick by some standards, though often it feels like wading through molasses), I try to force some progress. One of my little mind games is, "Who can I come out to today?" At the moment, I have some actual progress happening (going full time later this month), so I'm feeling good.
I honestly wish I was born a normal girl, things would have been so much simpler but in some ways, we are lucky. We control what hormones we take, no cycles with PMS, no bleeding every month and just this journey in general, kind of proud and happy to have gone through it, it was a special experience that I value.
I think the "happy about being trans" is a little off. I believe that more people are happy that trans is recognized and that it's better than not having any course of action to correct your own body to some degree. It's not a real fix, but better than nothing. ::)
Quote from: kittenpower on April 06, 2017, 12:36:43 PM
I am happy being me, and being trans is only a small part of who I am; I don't let it define me as a person. If you dwell on negativity that is all that you will see.
I couldnt agree more. :3
The only depressing thing I find with my trans identity is that I spent so many years denying it.
I get to keep living, theres nothing wrong with that. I get to see the sun rise, being trans doesnt ruin that for me. I get to laugh, smile, cry, and it has little to do with my being trans. Perspective means everything.
Yes, there's not much I can see that's positive about it. It's like trying to find the positives of a deformity.
But at some point you also have to let go of the depression and just get on with living.
Quote from: Kylo on April 06, 2017, 03:44:41 PM
But at some point you also have to let go of the depression and just get on with living.
YUP.
Hello everyone:
I'd like to begin by simply saying hello. My name is Vera, I'm 42, MTF. I've known for more than 20 years that I'm a woman, but I still feel so lost.
I'm so very thankful to you all for your vast and knowledgeable input here. I thoroughly enjoy reading all your posts as they have been very informative and helpful in carving out my own plans and transition timeline. A timeline moving at a snail's pace largely due to lack of income and FEAR. I have yet to start HRT, but I've been taking small steps like looking for another therapist that I like (I just left #4), using a no-no device for beard removal, having long hair, painting my toenails (fuchsia today), and replacing the undesirable male wardrobe for more feminine garments, just so I can feel better about myself. I'm at such peace just putting my bra on every day. Am I silly?
These small steps I can control have taken me years to accomplish and yet I still can't move forward. Let me explain further...
Even though I am still making firm transition plans that scare me to death, I intend to carry out these plans one day, but I still struggle to take action on my physical self (start hormones, go F/T, etc), due to such paralyzing fear. I've had some electrolysis work done with much more to go, so I am proud of myself for that. However, I read or hear how yet another trans woman has been murdered somewhere; how trans folks seek insurance coverage, only to be denied or turned away from services; how bathroom bills and other trans issues are essentially being erased or faded out of society; etc. This hurts me when my sisters are being targeted and then I wonder, am I next?
I have so many thoughts to share, it's hard to know where to begin except that I am very scared & overwhelmed today, I was even having palpitations. Lately, this uncertainty seems to lead me down a constant path of dark depression. It was so bad earlier today that I left work to come home to dress in my own clothes and heels, reapply my press on nails--TRAGIC!, just to calm down, but it isn't working. I am bitter than I'm not in a salon having my nails DONE, but I digress. When I reached in my purse for my lipstick, I felt such a sense of hopelessness and being trapped. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too old to transition now. My hopes and dreams are dying as I type this.
I admire each and every one of you for your bravery to take on your incredible journey! In time, I sincerely hope to meet and cultivate new friendships with other women like me as courage builds.
I guess my feelings of fear are somewhat normal (also from what I've read here and there), but how does one ever overcome this? I don't know what I'm asking for or how I'm to feel now. I just needed to get that out. Sorry for my mad rambling.
Thanks for reading,
Vera
Hmmm.... my post was edited, but I stand even stronger by my original post *if you were lucky to read it*, since they all proven why I was right lol. (except for one)
I'm with you. Everything you stated sounds like it was coming from my mouth. I hate it so much. I complain about it everyday because everytime I leave the house I wonder if anyone knows.
It's been said before but that's for a reason. Just be you. Realistically who else can you be? There aren't a lot of other options (zero in fact).
I know beautiful cis women that are such a trainwreck I wouldn't want to be them in a million years. I know non passing trans women the size of linebackers with a personality so big they can suck the oxygen out of a room. Edgar Cayce once said, "The mind is the builder." If you keep building "I hate being trans" ideation then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Good heavens, no! I had to live 53 years as a boy and then as a man, and I spent the last 10 of those years suffering massive, debilitating panic attacks featuring chest pains, arm pains, neck pains, jaw pains, and irregular heartbeats and near fainting spells.
I didn't transition with any particular notions of "being a woman." I transitioned because I was on my knees praying that going on hormones and transitioning would put an end to the near constant chest pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, and the overwhelming fear that I was going to suddenly die from a heart attack without doing something that I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. And I was so deep in denial I did not know what that something was until a good 9 years after the panic attacks started.
At 53 I did not expect much from the hormones. Anything feminine that happened to my face and body was gravy. Now I cannot pass a mirror without smiling at myself, and if I look too long and think about what I've been through and how far I have come, I start to giggle like a teenage girl.
I have several close friends in my support group, and I just came out to two women I've known since high school, and I can now count them as close, real life cisgender friends.
It is not all peaches and cream. Men are starting to stare at me, and I got sexually harassed in the drive through at McDonald's by the guy in the car behind me, but that is part of life. I've been bullied plenty of times while living as a man, and if this is the female version of it, so be it.
Until I was 19, I never knew that gender transition actually existed. I thought I was stuck forever living as a boy/man and dreaming about being a woman. And it took me another 34 years to actually make it happen, but I did it! I am here! Me! I made it out of the darkness and into the light and that is worth celebrating.
My facial hair removal is currently stalled for lack of funds, but I am going to go out and earn the necessary money. It just takes time and work.
I still have to scrape up the money for FFS, but somehow I will make it happen. Even if I have to earn it five dollars at a time and stick it in a coffee jar until I have enough, I will do that.
But I will not give up and I will not feel depressed. I've worked too hard and waited too long for this.
^^ You work so hard and for so long when it's a normally just a human birth right like breathing air...
I saw a documentary once where a child grew up during some sort of horrifying incident during WWII. I believe she either she spent time in a concentration camp, or she had survived the Dutch famine. I can't remember which. After it was over she said the other survivors tended to fall into one of two categories: Those who vowed to truly live, and those that just didn't die.
Transitioning has nothing on that. After more than 30 years of feeling like I didn't even know who I was, I finally had an answer. Sure, I would prefer to either be happy as a male or to be a biological female, but neither of those things are ever going to happen, so I have to make the best of the hand I've been dealt.
I look back at a picture I took of myself a year ago, and feel bad for the person I see in that photo. I considered it a perfectly acceptable picture at the time, but now all I see are the sad, lifeless eyes.
I've accepted my broad shoulders and my narrow hips. I see the progress I've made over the last 11 months of HRT in my appearance, confidence, and outlook. I find the unique insights I've developed as a result of transitioning endlessly fascinating. Most importantly, I'm thankful to live in a time when something can be done, even if it's not a perfect solution. I vow to live!
Quote from: Daisy Jane on April 06, 2017, 10:34:31 PM
I saw a documentary once where a child grew up during some sort of horrifying incident during WWII. I believe she either she spent time in a concentration camp, or she had survived the Dutch famine. I can't remember which. After it was over she said the other survivors tended to fall into one of two categories: Those who vowed to truly live, and those that just didn't die.
Transitioning has nothing on that. After more than 30 years of feeling like I didn't even know who I was, I finally had an answer. Sure, I would prefer to either be happy as a male or to be a biological female, but neither of those things are ever going to happen, so I have to make the best of the hand I've been dealt.
I look back at a picture I took of myself a year ago, and feel bad for the person I see in that photo. I considered it a perfectly acceptable picture at the time, but now all I see are the sad, lifeless eyes.
I've accepted my broad shoulders and my narrow hips. I see the progress I've made over the last 11 months of HRT in my appearance, confidence, and outlook. I find the unique insights I've developed as a result of transitioning endlessly fascinating. Most importantly, I'm thankful to live in a time when something can be done, even if it's not a perfect solution. I vow to live!
Thank you.
I don't think no one ever wants to be trans, or is happy to be trans. The trans folk would definitely prefer to be the cis gender of their choice.
Being trans, is a compromise for me, its an attempt to survive,coz going on as a male, is nearly getting impossible for me. I never wanted to be trans, I have always wanted to ve a cis female. But I know, that's impossible, so I have to make do with the best possible alternative.
The people who hate trans people, they are always gonna hate us. But its our duty to be the best version of ourselves.
Yes Saira, I too would definitely prefer to be the cis gender, but like Daisy Jane said, I am so thankful to live in a time when something can be done!
I can't figure out how to copy quotes. Can someone help me on that? You all are so gifted.
Thanks,
Vera
Quote from: Saira128 on April 07, 2017, 05:23:22 AM
I don't think no one ever wants to be trans, or is happy to be trans. The trans folk would definitely prefer to be the cis gender of their choice.
Being trans, is a compromise for me, its an attempt to survive,coz going on as a male, is nearly getting impossible for me. I never wanted to be trans, I have always wanted to ve a cis female. But I know, that's impossible, so I have to make do with the best possible alternative.
The people who hate trans people, they are always gonna hate us. But its our duty to be the best version of ourselves.
Said who? We owe no one anything in this life.
Quote from: Wild Flower on April 09, 2017, 06:50:07 PM
Said who? We owe no one anything in this life.
We owe it to ourselves, I think.
I can relate to how you feel. I'm kind of in the middle. On one hand, I wish to goodness I was born a cis girl. It was a terrible twist of fate that I got dealt this life the way I have it. I would gladly trade the pain I've suffered to be myself, the pain of almost having my family fall apart and being accused of many things for hiding being trans...I'd love to not have to go through all these procedures just to be myself. It's a lot of pain. But on the other hand, I know that life has dealt me a different perspective than cis people experience, and I have experienced living in both gender roles in the same life time. In that sense, it's a gift as I like insight on perspectives and experiences of life.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 09, 2017, 07:01:15 PM
We owe it to ourselves, I think.
(https://southernaristocracy.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/fiddle-dee-dee.gif)
Quote from: Wild Flower on April 09, 2017, 06:50:07 PM
Said who? We owe no one anything in this life.
Said me. We don't owe anything to anyone, but if we don't become the best version of ourselves, we'll never grow as a community.
Vera wrote:
"I'd like to begin by simply saying hello. My name is Vera, I'm 42, MTF. I've known for more than 20 years that I'm a woman, but I still feel so lost."
and
"When I reached in my purse for my lipstick, I felt such a sense of hopelessness and being trapped. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too old to transition now. My hopes and dreams are dying as I type this."
Vera,
Welcome.
I know how you feel. I felt the same a few years ago. I am now over 60 years old, as are many other women in this community.
I know I, and many other women in this community of my vintage, pass very successfully. As I stated in another post, I think people are more accepting of older women, TS, or not.
You have not told us where you live but there is probably a TS friendly group not too far away who could help you. You are not alone, just read the posts on this site.
Please, believe that you are never too old to transition. Plenty of women on this site will vouch for that.
Hugs,
Bronwen.
Hi Bronwen,
Thank you so much for your warm post! You made me feel a lot better. I have so much anxiety at times that I can stop to wonder and even doubt myself about my decision to transition. However, I decided Friday I just needed to get out (en femme), live my life, and enjoy myself. Stress isn't going to do me any good.
Also, I live near Mt Vernon, a town about an hour north of Seattle, Wash. Lucky for me, there are groups in Seattle and a really good transit system to get me there.
Thanks again for responding, Bronwen. It really meant a lot.
Vera
Hi all,
I've accepted who I am as a trans woman and fully came out to myself and 3 friends, but I have not started transitioning. I feel like rubbish most of the time. Mostly it comes from seeing a woman in town or on TV and that will start my feelings of low self esteem. Perhaps its due to envy or something else, I really dont know.
There are days when i want to 100% give up thinking about how I wasn't born into the body I'm meant to be in, and how I didn't develop at the same time as other girls and can't be pregnant (that took its toll big time).
But I guess in the end I know one day I'll be the woman I am and show the world who I am so this brings me hope and joy in the dark times (as cliched as it sounds)
I just hope everything gets better for you sweetie.
Hello Vera,
I am glad to be of help. That is what Susan's is allabout.
I hope you have good luck finding a therapist. Perhaps, the Seattle group might be able to help. I am sorry I cannot help, I am in Melbourne, Australia.
I think the first thing is that you have to accept is who you are and what you want.
For example, I was terrified of admitting I was TS. Eventually, I admitted to myself who I am and my fears just seemed to go away. Today I went shopping and everybody accepted me as just another woman. The women standing in the checkout queues and the checkout women just accepted me. If any one of them had doubts they did not show it. I was not looked at twice by anybody.
So, believe in yourself.
I might add that being on HRT certainly does help. I believe that the sooner you can be prescribed HRT the sooner your feelings and fears will dissipate.
I wish you all the best. The end result is worth the effort.
I wish I could be with you to help you and hug you when needed. So, please accept my virtual hugs.
Hugs,
Bronwen.