Hello
Again, I don't know if this is the right place to raise this. If not, I am sorry. I just wanted to check I haven't lost the plot. I just wanted to say that this just makes me happy. I get no thrill out of it. I do get a thrill out of being me, at last, or at least trying, but that is all. As I sit here fully dressed and as much me as I can be right now, I just get a deep sense of rightness, but also a frustration that it is not the physical reality and is really only appearance. Maybe I am wrong. I have so many doubts, but it just feels right. I don't know how to make it 100% right, and suspect it never will be, but right now is the happiest I have been for a long time. Please, am I just deluding myself? Maybe it is just a compulsion and not reality at all. I don't think I am confused. I am just not sure I am sure because absolutely nobody in my life will accept it. Sorry to rant and sorry if it's inappropriate. I just have nowhere else to turn.
Alannah
Hi Alannah,
I'm Jeanette. I am also a late starter. I'm 64. I can assure you that having these feelings of doubt are common. I have them also. The very same ones that you expressed. I started HRT last December and still have those thoughts running through my head every so often. But through them all I still have that feeling that transition is what I want to do. As you say "It feels right" I took me forever of rationalizing my crossdressing, thinking that it was enough, before I accepted I was lying to myself. I have wanted more for a long, long time and now I am going to have it before I die.
I am Jeanette and more than likely, you are Alannah. I cannot answer that for you. Talking to others and a therapist can help, but when it comes down to it you have to decide for your self and make that decision.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thank you for your kind reply, Jeanette. It is such a relief to hear others have doubts. As I am sure you know, the only doubts are whether I am doing things right for other people. In myself, yes, I am Alannah. I have my own email, my own "bank account" (sort of), my own facebook and twitter pages, am subscribed to a number of mailing lists and such like. I just don't want to hurt anyone. But I also realise we have only one life and the one rule I have had is to never have any regrets. Thank you for your kind reply, again.
Doubts? OMG for more than a year I had doubts.
At the 4 month mark into HRT the doubts diminished and at 5 months (just in the past week or two) I don't think about it anymore.
I feel good. I feel right. Other than the obvious I don't think about gender at all. I am Denise. No thrill, no excitement just feel right. No fake bravado or alpha male crap just Denise.
Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk
Thank you Denise. Your reply is greatly appreciated. I think pretty much I am on the right path then. :)
Allannah,
When you live with one reality for a long time, everyone thinks you are who you appear to be, and then you realize, wait ...that reality is not reality at all, of course you will have questions. In our society, we get no education or training or even good press about being trans. We face risking the image everyone knows us as if we do anything to change to be more comfortable . What sane person would not start out with doubts? As to being a compulsion, I think everybody is compelled to be who they truly are. Most people have a tendency to want to be accepted by others, to be like others. I think if we find we need a different or unusual path in our life than everyone else, we tend to fear that we are defective, that there is something wrong with us. We come to this site because we hear that others are similar to us. It is reassuring. We can come to know that our feelings are not a defect, we just want to be the people that our brains tell us we are.
Now sorry for my rant, but I see nothing in your post that makes me think you are being delusional in any way.
Moni