Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Do you tell people you are trans female, if this applies to your situation?

I seldom do, unless absolutely necessary. For me, I feel no need to call attention to it. I feel this is more courteous to people I meet in general.  I have model-quality beauty even at my age and in fact I've modeled recently (2015) on television and in newspapers and I may do so again. So few people at this point in real life face-to-face can even detect that I'm trans -- and in fact I prefer it this way. Some of us prefer to call this "going stealth" or in other words simply passing super well as female so no one even thinks twice about your interactions with them at work, residence, shopping centers, public transportation including planes, buses, and trains. I like it MUCH better this way and this makes me feel VERY happy !!!

I can understand why some trans ladies prefer to openly declare to anyone and everything they meet that they are trans as a matter of moral principle that others need to respect us. If you prefer to do it this way, more power to you ! It's just that for me, cis (non-trans) people still dictate most of the terms and rules of social interactions in nearly all parts of the world, so I actually find that I am BETTER-TREATED nearly always by not mentioning I'm trans because people simply fully accept me as a beautiful older lady anyway.

About the only exceptions to this are if someone knew me pre-transition obviously, in which case I'm fully open and honest about being trans I never "hide" it if someone knew me pre-transition.

The other exception is if I want to meet an adult man romantically or sexually. In this case, I state usually within the first 15 minutes of meeting a man online or in person that I'm trans. This is 1) courteous -- I don't want to disappoint him when we get into bed if it gets that far and 2) it protects me from being MURDERED or beaten up because the man doesn't find the vagina he is looking for when we get intimate if it gets that far -- solid advice for any trans gal who is dating men -- many trans ladies worldwide have been violently beaten up or even murdered dead by outraged men who expected to find a vagina and didn't find a vagina.

Another exception is in some work situations if it happens to become necessary to state a more extensive work history -- since many of my credentials and experience are pre-transition. I am in a fortunate situation in my current work situation in which rarely do I have to bring up my pre-transition past to successfully interact with nearly all of my clients and work associates. Lucky me to be in so fortuitous a work situation !!!

So, enough about Jennifer. How have YOU usually handled these issues ? I feel that issues here I've raised -- that I likely have these issues in common with nearly all of you who are trans female and live full-time as a female in ALL aspects of your life. Yes ? So how have YOU dealt with the multiple issues related to this ? Jennifer xx

I never tell anyone I'm trans male, apart from sexual partners. Once I'm post-op I won't be telling anyone at all. "Terence" isn't even my real name - I'm stealth all the time.

If you tell all your old friends and potential lovers then thats just about everyone you need to tell. Other than broadcasting over a loud speaker. What about new close friends? I basically tell all three catagories.

I realise that I may different to many but I have nothing to be ashamed of in being transgender. In fact I am proud of how I have dealt with myself, my family and my friends. If someone has an issue with me being TG then the is not my problem. If a potential lover has an issue than I would want him to acknowledge that straight from the first introduction. If he can't cope, well that means that he isn't man enough for me and it is not my loss.

I've just come out of hospital after very extensive treatment that required people to know the I was TG for medical reasons. Of course the meant everyone got to know (you can't keep secrets between more than one person and a mirror), absolutely no one gave a blink. No one asked silly questions, no one treated me differently. My experience at least in Australia is that the discrimination issue for normal everyday TG men and women is a bit of a beat up to be honest.

Unfortunately, in various parts of the U.S. discrimination and bigotry is still very alive and well  :-\  Some folks are accepting and don't really give a care who or what you are, other folks are like having a dog stick their nose in your crotch and it makes you feel like slapping their snout

I try not to worry about it, but I do realize that I do have to be a bit careful where I live

I feel that the more people are openly trans the more the world can learn what normal, everyday folk we all are, well most of us ;)
I know there can be safety issues for some, so a bit of stealth is just being sensible at times, but for the most part why hide who we are?
Trans people are not cis people, we have to carve out our own place in society, hell we even have our own flag, so lets wave it!
Truth is we're all different, It's not for any of us to judge how people choose to live their lives. This is just how I see things.

I don't intend to volunteer the information, but I will not deny it if the subject comes up.

I don't go out of my way *not* to tell people, but even I rarely think about it these days (except when I'm on sites like this or talking to other trans people on Twitter). It just isn't relevant to my day-to-day life anymore.

(Of course, I do have a vagina, and I got my birth certificate changed, so I have the luxury of effectively never having to disclose if I don't want to.)

I do. I'm currently very open about my status and try to educate as many people as possible. I am proud of what I have accomplished over the last two years and I want people to be comfortable with knowing a trans person.

I wouldn't hide it atall.

Actually got nailed while out dressed today.
It was a woman that works the makeup counter in a shopping centre, and she has seen me plenty times before. So she spotted me lol. Was quite funny, i pure panicked though and slithered out of ther when she turned her back lol

I have the opposite situation as I am non-passing and don't expect to ever be.

I wear mostly women's clothes, makeup, almost all the time and have shoulder length hair and people still read me as a feminine gay guy. It's not worth it really to correct them.

I only wear jeans or shorts though, I'd rather people think I'm a feminine gay guy than that guy in a dress or skirt, though I'm not sure how much it really matters. Maybe they wouldn't sir me if I was wearing a dress.

I do tell everyone on dating sites on my profile and usually the first message also, because some people don't seem to read profiles. I don't want to fall into the situation so many here have and fall in love with a heterosexual woman that thinks I am a man, even though I would get more first dates.

I'm post op and don't feel that anyone needs to know. Of course I transitioned openly so most people around me already know. Unless it looks like I may develop a relationship with a guy I don't tell anyone new that I meet.

I live full time openly and I really don't find I have to tell anyone I am trans...I do pass visually in certain situations and from a distance, but with a one on one encounter it is not difficult to tell I am Trans. It very rarely comes up in conversation outside of a medical context and for me that means it is spoken of quite often however that is the only time. Everything any random person needs to know about me they can see for themselves and if they can't I am not about to inform them.  :) I am also not going to hide or fit any stereotypical idea of how someone else thinks I should present myself. ;)

Liz

I pass without issue. That being said I have a ton of health issues not related to being trans, at least with the medical community- it comes up pretty frequently. Whenever medication is a variable.

In day to day life I'm finally at the point where I'm creating new relationships with people who never knew me under my male name and gender.  The few times I've had to bring it up for legal changes/issues it seemed to throw people for a loop- a double take happens fairly frequently if it comes up.

Not something I advertise, but if it's relevant, or I'm asked I'm open. When I do have to tell people I try to be informative, answer the curious type of questions.

What I've found in general daily transactions no one really cares.

The spotlight effect in action

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I really am conflicted over this question.
There is so much talk and evidence about trans people not being accepted by society, the front page of this forum is  a constant testament to that. But how are we ever to confront prejudice, influence the media and educate people if we remain hidden?
I'm definitely affected by the 'spotlight effect' as Brooke referenced, but why? Is it because of my perceived view of societies attitude towards trans people is distorted by the constant exposure to all the bad things that happen to trans folk? Where's the good stuff? The positive influences, the affirmations that it's o.k. to be different? The progress? The acceptance?
The anti trans lobby have a bus, they're organised and sponsored. How do I make it better for the next generation of trans folk if i remain hidden? Where does our responsibility lie? Do we have a responsibility or is it a matter of conscience? Can we remain hidden and still make a difference?
As you can see I've got issues. It might be noob naivety or that I still haven't found my place in the world. Maybe I won't care further into my transition, but for now I feel a responsibility to at least be open with people. It feels like I'm in a struggle.

I'm still quite early in my transition, so this has not been an issue for me at this stage but my plan is to handle it in the same way as my mother's maiden name.

It's not a secret, if someone asks me about it then I have nothing to hide, but at the same time there is no need to tell every person that I meet.

Disclosure is a kind of ritual -- meaning, it's a social act that can change your social categorization.  Kind of like marriage.  If you don't pass, or you're just starting out, it's a way to change the gendering people give you -- in general, you'll be gendered "trans" instead of what you were before.  Which is wonderful!  And sometimes very gracious people will skip the "trans" gendering and gender you properly.

If you're already being gendered correctly, the ritual of disclosure can have quite similar consequences.  In general, that proper gendering becomes modified towards a "trans" gendering. 

I've been properly gendered for close to two decades now, so I don't disclose (with a couple of distinct exceptions).  I don't tell colleagues, or acquaintances, or people at the grocery store.  I don't tell my very close friends.  I don't tell lovers.  And no one asks. 

There are two exceptions.  First, certain kinds of medical care -- namely, maintaining my hormone regimen.  This doesn't include things like dermatological treatment, electrolysis, hair transplants, broken bones, what have you.  The second has to do with relationships with other transitioners -- like this board, for example, and any subsequent friendships that develop through trans environments.

This gives me such peace of mind.  In my experience, there's nothing more healing for dysphoria than proper gendering.  I kind of believe that disclosure is a contraindication, medically speaking, at least for me.

I'm actually quite honest about being trans. I mean, I don't go around with a neon light pointing at me saying "I'M TRANS" but usually when I get to know someone I tell them. The only time I hid it was when I first started uni, since my course is made up of mostly males (three girls in total) and usually straight Italian males are not THAT open minded. Plus, I kinda liked the fact that some of the guys in my course flirted with me and thought I was hot, and it was actually flattering. However at some point I had to come out, and even though I still get along with most people in my course, it is obvious that they have changed the way they treat me. But that's ok, I'm not ashamed.
I usually like to tell people within the first minutes of conversation, not because I want to "shove it in their faces" but because I'd rather know from the start if they are the kind of people I want to be friends with (and who want to be friends with me).

Nope I'm just female at this point

No, as I'm not... but it's not helpful in my situation to volunteer information to people who are not involved.

It would be nice if the world was a place where information like that was as easily disregarded or accepted as stating your age or your home town, but since it's not, I'd rather not.

Hi, I have been lurking for a while and I thought I would chime in. Everybody has to find their own sense of self and peace with this stuff, however my answer is most definitely not. My medical condition does not, and will never define me in anyway, especially as an assumed identity. I am just a female. I do have a medical condition that needed some serious attention and focus :) For all intents at this point it has been treated and dealt with.

My medical history will never ever become part of my labeled or assumed identity. It is a mind set. I have also survived cancer and I will never assume the identity of, or label myself a cancer survivor either. Neither condition owns me in any way or labels me in the identity department. I do not believe in the labels and the stuff that goes along with it. The only time I divulge my medical history is when it is medically necessary to do so.

Hi Jamjam

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

I agree with your sentiments...I have a chronic illness which I only ever tell people when it becomes relevant. I don't lead with "Hi I am Liz and I have (Name condition)"

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Regards

Liz

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

"

Quote from: Debra on April 09, 2017, 10:45:48 AM
Nope I'm just female at this point

Same :)

The most I ever got during transition was 1 drunken ned  (juvenile delinquent) that had to ask me to try find his answer. In fairness I looked really horrific that day after 3h electrolysis sporting a face like a well skelped arse, more than a little bit tipsy and my hair an absolute riot so I'm kinda impressed he had to ask lol

Apart from that the world seems to see me as I see me; just another woman.

I'm not inclined to argue with them ;)

I don't tell anything. I am just me, people can make up their own minds and I don't give a rat's elbow what they decide. One look and it is pretty obvious that I have both male and female body characteristics.

And I already have enough romantic connections to suit me.

No never, I'm just a woman, if they asked more, I'm a married woman, the world just sees me as another housewife.

I don't usually tell ppl but if they ask I will


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: jujubes1986 on April 27, 2017, 06:40:16 PMI don't usually tell ppl but if they ask I will

A day may come when no one ever asks anymore.

I pass pretty well and have been out for 10 years.  I'm fairly well known and accepted in the Lesbian community.  Sadly, I've found that my initial conversations with new women I meet have a closeness that only women know. When we talk we stand closer together, there can be more friendly non-intimate touching and the conversation seems to be one with an underlying shared experience. Then, very often, these women find out that I am Trans and these niceties go away.  The conversations and relationships are good and I can live with it  . . . but its not the same as when they don't know. :(

I don't tell anyone.  People may clock me, but I've never been asked about it when they did.
I have transitioned to female and don't feel I need to tell anyone that, even people that knew me before.  I am pretty sure they can figure it out. ;)

I don't tell anyone. If someone figures it out then I'm happy to talk about it, but I don't feel the need to tell. I do have one exception to this. I have started dating and if I meet someone and we hit it off I will tell them before we go to a second date.
I transitioned in the open and still live and work in the same old places, so if someone hangs around with me long enough they will probably find out eventually. If I'm trying to build a relationship with someone I would not want them to find out through the grape vine.

At the moment I do disclose the fact that I'm trans,  purely because I don't pass well and I have not taken hormones yet. I suspect in the near future I will be stealth at least to strangers.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk