Hello All,
I'm in a place of radical realizations now, and it's both confusing and exciting! I've struggled with my sexuality increasingly throughout my life, but most especially the last 4-5 years. I'm 55 and late to the party, at least in my mind, but it's only recently that I've finally been able to make sense of myself. Some of my earliest memories are of intense desires to be turned into a beautiful princess and getting to wear a lovely dress, like the pictures of women that I've seen. I'm thinking around 4 years old, but I'm not sure. I was born into a very restrictive religious environment (Mormon) that had zero tolerance for this sort of thing (especially 50+ years ago!), and so it got buried somewhere in my poor, abused psyche. Years of dissatisfaction, confusion, even self-hatred followed, until I gradually shifted into becoming more awake to the reality of life, especially a more personal spirituality.
I was so aided over the last few years by marrying an amazing, powerful, accepting woman. I could share my deepest fears and desires with her, and she was (and is) always completely accepting. As we gradually eased into a triad polyamorous relationship, things shifted between her and I, and I became (much to my satisfaction, surprisingly!) more of a girlfriend to her. We both were well aware of this, and since I made it clear that I actually wanted this, we let things move naturally. All my real progress in the last few years has come by letting things move naturally. With her blessing, I started exploring other sexual experiences, but this still left me feeling confused. I liked men, but preferred bi men. Men who were too feminine put me off. I love kissing and touching and stimulating my wife, but I lost all desire for intercourse with her. I found her very desirable, but I didn't want to penetrate anyone anymore with my penis, ever. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I did so, and that's fine with me. With men, I'm a committed "bottom" at all times, and I'd rather they left my penis alone. I have even, over the last year, grown a long, beautiful head of hair - brown, slightly curly, and halfway down my back. I've been amazed that I can do this at my age, and I've been delighted at the way it looks and feels! None of this made the least sense to me, but I'd decided to stop trying to judge myself all the time, and just go with what felt right.
The confusion continued, with a steady progression to a very submissive state. This didn't mean weak and powerless, not at all! I work at home with my wife, and the work we do is amazingly powerful energetic healing work, and I had to stay grounded, focussed and stand in a very powerful place. But fundamentally, the dynamics shifted to where I was her assistant, and her other lover basically became the man of the home. I was happy with all this.
I hope it's not TMI with my sexual experience, I'm trying to keep it all G rated while still getting across the peculiarity of it (at least to me).
One thing that's held me back from stepping fully into my transexuality is a fear of looking like a "man in a dress." I've done a little cross-dressing, even with my wife, and it hasn't been all that satisfying. I didn't want to be that. I want to be a WOMAN, completely, indistinguishable, whole. I didn't think that was remotely possible, especially at my age.
Last month, at my request, my wife did a card reading about my struggles with my sexual identity, and the results blew me away. It sunk very deep that it was time to just accept and move on. As soon as I accepted that, I knew with complete certainty that I got to accept that I was a woman. It's like it popped up from just beneath the surface, but I knew it had been there all along. This "snapped" all the confusion and all the "peculiar" changes into place instantly. It all made sense now at a deep, deep level.
I didn't share this immediately with my wife - I got to sit with it a few days. When I did, it rocked even her pretty hard. She was aware that I struggled, wondered if I was gay, knew I was bi, beta and submissive, but hadn't really seriously considered I might be a woman, ready to fully step into that space. My certainty about it made it even more of a shock to her, but after a day or two to absorb it, she embraced it fully and now is my champion for my physical transformation. Yes, I know. I am very blessed to have her in my life.
Since then, the dysphoria has been intense at times. She has worked with me a little, plucking my eyebrows to be less of a mess, assisting me in finding some clothes, and being someone I can share my feelings and impressions with. This site has been aaaaamaaaaaaazing! Seeing the transformations in others, I'm getting that I don't have to have that "man in a dress" look at all - I can be beautiful and feminine and complete on the outside as well as the inside. Thank you all for your sharing and contributions!
Hi girl. I am glad you are going through a big change, your real self is waiting. Are you going to s support group? There are many, you should try to find one. I live in south Florida and there are some here.
Another South Floridian here, actually from Miami. As Ella said, there are quite a few of us down here. Go to a support group and meet others like us, it will enlighten you and make you realize that your big change is not unique, but a lot more common than we all thought.
Welcome to Susan's
Emily
Hi Mikaela :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Thank you everyone for your replies. I would love to find a support group here in the Sarasota area. Any advice would be awesome!
Hi Mikaela,
I'm Jeanette, 64, mtf and self appointed unofficial greeter to Susan's place. (so far no one has to me to cease and desist so I keep greeting) Hi!! oh I said that...duh. Welcome then, welcome. Come in and have a seat. Make yourself comfy. Sit, sit yeah that's a good chair, Dena has already broken it in so it's nice and comfy. Oh stay, it's okay she won't mind. She's off admining or moderating or something (sometimes I don't know what she's doing).
Coffee, tea, soda or water? Coffee? okay I'll make a fresh pot for you.
I see you've been reading the posts... They are sooooo cool huh? They help us get to know each other and help others. Helping is one one the important things we do on this site. I read your story. Gee it's real nice to have an accepting and helpful spouse. Mine was helpful too. She helped me out the door over 25 years ago. She even arranged for a police escort for me. Now was that thoughtful or what? LOL I'm glad your experience was a lot better.
Anyway there are a lot of helpful people here. (Oh not me I'm just a nut, a silly greeter to make you feel at home) If you have questions or need help just create a new post and you'll get lots of responses.
I hope you like it here cuz we want you to keep coming back and share what is going on with you in your personal journey.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Mikaela, Welcome to Susan's Place. Great resource and wonderful people here to help.
I wish you all the best on your journey and you are very fortunate to have a supporting wife. Very few of us girls are so lucky.
Im 57 and have been dressing and presenting as female on and off since 16. I took the plunge and am on HRT after realizing it was to hard to keep jumping back and forth when my true self has always been female. Im now out to everyone including all my employees and most of my family and the rest will find out in the next couple weeks.
Its a slow process but you have reached the gates and its time for you to walk through and embrace everything that you truly are. Its a great feeling when everything starts to align.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 09, 2017, 11:18:52 PM
I read your story. Gee it's real nice to have an accepting and helpful spouse. Mine was helpful too. She helped me out the door over 25 years ago. She even arranged for a police escort for me. Now was that thoughtful or what? LOL I'm glad your experience was a lot better.
Thx Jeanette for putting a smile on my face this morning, Still giggling...
Huggs to all Niki Marie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 09, 2017, 11:18:52 PM
Hi Mikaela,
I'm Jeanette, 64, mtf and self appointed unofficial greeter to Susan's place. (so far no one has to me to cease and desist so I keep greeting) Hi!! oh I said that...duh. Welcome then, welcome. Come in and have a seat. Make yourself comfy. Sit, sit yeah that's a good chair, Dena has already broken it in so it's nice and comfy. Oh stay, it's okay she won't mind. She's off admining or moderating or something (sometimes I don't know what she's doing).
Coffee, tea, soda or water? Coffee? okay I'll make a fresh pot for you.
I see you've been reading the posts... They are sooooo cool huh? They help us get to know each other and help others. Helping is one one the important things we do on this site. I read your story. Gee it's real nice to have an accepting and helpful spouse. Mine was helpful too. She helped me out the door over 25 years ago. She even arranged for a police escort for me. Now was that thoughtful or what? LOL I'm glad your experience was a lot better.
Anyway there are a lot of helpful people here. (Oh not me I'm just a nut, a silly greeter to make you feel at home) If you have questions or need help just create a new post and you'll get lots of responses.
I hope you like it here cuz we want you to keep coming back and share what is going on with you in your personal journey.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thank you for the warm welcome, Jeanette. You are very sweet and funny, too! I have been reading a lot of the posts, mostly about GRS. I had no idea how clueless I was...
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Quote from: Niki Knight on April 10, 2017, 08:07:28 AM
Mikaela, Welcome to Susan's Place. Great resource and wonderful people here to help.
I wish you all the best on your journey and you are very fortunate to have a supporting wife. Very few of us girls are so lucky.
Im 57 and have been dressing and presenting as female on and off since 16. I took the plunge and am on HRT after realizing it was to hard to keep jumping back and forth when my true self has always been female. Im now out to everyone including all my employees and most of my family and the rest will find out in the next couple weeks.
Its a slow process but you have reached the gates and its time for you to walk through and embrace everything that you truly are. Its a great feeling when everything starts to align.
Thx Jeanette for putting a smile on my face this morning, Still giggling...
Huggs to all Niki Marie
Yes, so true! Embracing myself in this way is creating powerful change in ways I'm just starting to realize! We pay a price when we hide who we are...
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Mikaela,
I am another Florida girl. For the Tampa Bay area, I can recommend "atranslife matters" which meets at Metropolitan Community Church in Tampa. They meet once a month. The church website has the dates. In Miami area, try the Gay Pride Center in Ft Lauderdale. Also, meets once a month.
As for age, I transitioned at age 66. I only regret waiting for so long. As for looking like a man in a dress, first focus on weight loss, electrolysis and HRT and let the magic just happen. Then much later, you can worry if your accessories match your outfit. :D
Quote from: Dani on April 10, 2017, 08:52:32 PM
Mikaela,
I am another Florida girl. For the Tampa Bay area, I can recommend "atranslife matters" which meets at Metropolitan Community Church in Tampa. They meet once a month. The church website has the dates. In Miami area, try the Gay Pride Center in Ft Lauderdale. Also, meets once a month.
As for age, I transitioned at age 66. I only regret waiting for so long. As for looking like a man in a dress, first focus on weight loss, electrolysis and HRT and let the magic just happen. Then much later, you can worry if your accessories match your outfit. :D
Thank you! Tampa is a little far from here (Bradenton), but I notice you can call in to participate - perfect!
Thank you for all your suggestions...
Quote from: Ella2Marques on April 09, 2017, 03:56:33 PM
Hi girl. I am glad you are going through a big change, your real self is waiting. Are you going to s support group? There are many, you should try to find one. I live in south Florida and there are some here.
Not yet, but I'm looking. I'd like to find something closer. I just spoke to a therapist locally, Heather Eslien, and will meet with her next week. She mentioned one in Sarasota that is run out of her center, so I'll learn more about that soon. Thanks for your comments!
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Quote from: Emily R on April 09, 2017, 04:31:01 PM
Another South Floridian here, actually from Miami. As Ella said, there are quite a few of us down here. Go to a support group and meet others like us, it will enlighten you and make you realize that your big change is not unique, but a lot more common than we all thought.
Welcome to Susan's
Emily
Hi Emily! I actually grew up in Miami, but it's been decades since I've been back. I've spent most my life out west, only recently returning to South Florida. It's good to be back! And thank you for your support...
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