Hello everyone. I'm BlackberryJam, 23 years old pre-transition MtF struggling with fears, doubts and self-loathing. I think I should apologize in advance for my English. Since it's not my native language, my speech can be strange in terms of stylistics, word choice and word order (not to speak of possible grammar mistakes).
I found this forum by chance just recently and after two weeks of read-only I finally decided to register and start communicating with people.
Many transgenders tell that their gender doubts and discomfort began in early (or maybe not so early) childhood. That is somewhat discouraging for me, because I can't recall such feelings in my childhood. Even if I do remember something like that, I fear that it may be just wishful thinking. I was just a shy child, bookworm, nerd and weakling, bullied by some boys and not noticed by majority of other peers. Nothing special. Maybe there were some "girly" tendencies in my behavior, it's hard to tell now.
But in early teenage years strange frustration appeared. Self-disgust, strong dissatisfaction with my body, thoughts like "I wish I were a girl". I tried to become more masculine to overcome those feelings, but it didn't really work. For several years I was thinking that I was a "guy with some feminine character traits" or something like that. As time passed, frustration and semi-conscious wish to be a girl grew stronger. In particular, I preferred to play as a female character in role-playing games (both plot-centered single-player RPGs and Online RPGs). I found out that "pretending" to be a girl on the Web, communicating with people who don't know me in real life, made me feel good and gave me relief. Also I became interested in anime and manga, especially genres of "shoujo" and, even more, "yuri". Hmm, maybe some people don't know what it is. Well, put it shortly and not so accurately, typical "shoujo" is a romance story about a highschool girl who's in love with a boy and typical "yuri" is pretty much the same, but about love between girls (and that I like the most). Also I found that communicating with girls was somewhat easier and more comfortable for me than communicating with boys (urgh, sounds so tautological).
Thus, I dreamed about being a girl more and more. And felt very frustrated because I have a male body. Well, I still feel that way. Maybe there are some other things (aside from what i've told) that drove me to realization of my feminine personality. But this post is already long and possibly boring and tedious.
So, last summer I studied some materials about gender dysphoria and transgender people. And then I finally understood and realized what I felt.
Now I have one friend who knows my secret and supports me, but I fear to come out to anyone else, especially my family. When I think how my parents could react... it scares me very much. I've never visited a therapist or a psychiatrist and I don't know how to start. I want transitioning (with all those HRT and SRS) very much, but I have a fear that I "am not a woman enough" (maybe "not dysphoric enough") to be acknowledged as a transgender who needs transition. And of course I have a fear that I won't pass and will never be even slightly pretty woman (not to speak of "beatiful").
Well, I suppose that's all for introduction.
Welcome to Susan's! It's awesome that you came here, and I think you'll find a lot in this community.
When I read your post, it reminded me a lot of my own experiences. I did not have outright dysphoria in my early childhood, though I did feel different. I started having dreams of being female around 10 and later. By my mid teens I was severely depressed because I was not a girl.
There's no wrong or right way to be trans. We're all on a spectrum. Some people bloom into their identity later than others, and that is okay. There are many people in the community here that share your experiences.
Welcome to Susan's Place. Look at a few things in your post. Wasn't comfortable playing with the boys, that's pretty common among us. Developed dysphoria while a teen, again common. Worried about being trans enough, that's pretty common and only rarely is somebody not transgender. CIS people don't think about their gender but transgender people do. I am not a professional but I don't see anything that doesn't fit. As for what you should do about it, seeing a gender therapist would be a good place to start. They have training in transgender issues and they will help you see the path that is right for you.
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Hi BlackberryJam :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome! I hope that this safe place will give you the confidence to take the stepping stones in your journey while providing you with the support you need.
Hi Blackberry Jam,
We have blackberries everywhere here in Oregon, tasty but the seeds get stuck in my teeth. I prefer strawberry myself.
I'm Jeanette and welcome to Susan's. Come on in and make yourself at home. Get comfy and explore a bit. Read the posts that interest you. Comment if you want. Ask questions if you have any. we hope you like it here and want to get to know us as we get to know you.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thank you all for the warm welcome. Sorry for such a late reply. I still fear that I wrote something stupid...
Well, I hope I will fit in the community.
Welcome! You definitely need a therapist! People are very supportive on this website, but none of us really know you or where you might be on the gender spectrum, and so take all advice with a grain of salt. My therapist helped me to realize my repressed true gender identity. Now it is not easy for me, as I don't wish to disrupt my entire 58 year old life. I would take your time with all of this. Talk things out with your therapist. There is no rush to tell your family. Take baby steps because it is incredibly overwhelming.
The way I found a therapist was to go on the Psychology Today website, plug in where you live, and filter by therapists that treat transgender persons. I also found it helpful to look at where the therapist went to college (they list their bios on the website). I picked one that studied at Columbia University. My therapists in the past that I saw for depression (now I know the depression was from repression of the fact that I am a woman in a man's body) weren't that sharp and I got nowhere and accomplished nothing (not to generalize though~I am sure many therapists that didn't study at top tier universities are smart and insightful)
Good luck to you, and most importantly I wish you happiness and peace!
Quote from: BlackberryJam on April 25, 2017, 09:31:16 AM
Thank you all for the warm welcome. Sorry for such a late reply. I still fear that I wrote something stupid...
Well, I hope I will fit in the community.
Far from it. Some web site attempt to force you into a mold that matches everybody else on the site. This site is different in that we realize people are different and their solutions may be different. it's also possible to come to this site knowing very little about yourself ready to learn from the 10 years of history contained by this site. Give it a little time and you will discover yourself becoming involved with the many conversations that happen daily on this site.