I am a cross-dresser, a wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. My wife doesn't know. She should, but she doesn't. I read things like on these forums and I think, my God, I have given her ALL those indicators over the years. She isn't catching on. One day she is going to read something or one of those Facebook tests or something and, like a lightbulb, it is going to dawn on her "OMG, this is my husband. everything makes so much sense now". Then she will just come home one day and say, "Hey, I was at the mall today and I picked you up this hot little dress and panty set, and I thought you could wear it out with me tonight and we will find some hot dates". Ok, that last part was fantasy but I do think if I could just expose her to the information somehow without saying "Hey honey, read this", that she would get it. Any suggestions?
That would really be wonderful. I would also like that.
Once upon a time there was this married wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. Whose wife didn't know but should have due to all the clues that were all around her. One day she read a fantasy story about a wife that had an epiphany that her husband was a wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. She ran right out and bought him a sexy dress, made him wear it to their romantic out where they both met hot men to bring home for wild sex.
The End
Unfortunately Joanna2 wonderful stories like that are fairy tales that never will come true. It would be better if you sit your wife down and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. Failure to do so is only going to frustrate you and if she does happen to discover your desires on her own it is likely to cause you a whole bunch of problems. It would be best to hear it coming from you in a sincere manner.
By the way Hi Joanna2 I'm Jeanette. I'm a 64 yro, mtf trans woman who used to believe I was only a lifelong crossdresser. I am also a self appointed unofficial greeter for Susan's Place, as such I would like to welcome you to Susan's Place. (( HUG ))) Yes I'm a hugger too. Come on in and get comfortable. Really I don't bite, come in sit down. We do want you here as part of our little family. You do belong here you know?
The site has a lot of good information and a lot of knowledgeable people too. There are many here that are willing to try to help you with whatever you need help with, if you do. Feel free to read the posts that interest you and comment on them if you like. Ask your question if you have any. But most importantly we'd like to have you participate. That is how we will get to know you and how you will get to know us.
I'll let you browse the site and posts now. Have fun.
Hugs,
Jeanette
People see what they have been socialized to see. Also, it depends on their culture. In Thailand, cross-dressers, transgender people, whatever alternate gender identity or sexual orientation someone may be, people leave them alone to present or love as they wish.
In the US, Christianity forces everyone into two gender boxes, and three sexual orientation boxes, although mostly two of the latter.
If you come out to your wife, she might decide she's wasting her time with you.
After all, most ciswomen marry to gain social status, a father for their children, a protector, someone who makes them the center of their universe, someone lust after ONLY them, and someone to give them complete financial support, much of which would vanish if you cross-dress in public and seek male sex partners.
The center of your universe would be YOU. Money would go to buy YOU clothes. Your lust would be directed toward another gender, and if you indulge, you have a high risk of bringing home the HIV virus. People would laugh at her, feel sorry for her, make jokes about her, and she'd be shunned at most churches.
On the other hand, if she has strong lesbian leanings, an ultra-liberal family, doesn't want kids, and has been longing for a shopping partner, she might welcome it.
If you want to transition, it's probably easier to just get a divorce without saying anything, then come out and transition quietly afterward to avoid your wife taking revenge on you, forbidding you to dress, and telling your family about you, etc.
As for signs, people often don't even know when THEY are transgender.
I didn't know I was a nonbinary partial transmale until 2013 (I'm 64), and my ex husband only found out last year (also 64) he (she) is a nonbinary female and has started the transition process already.
We were both depressed and unhappy, but blamed each other, not realizing what the real problem was.
In retrospect, there were many signs, but there are so many other explanations if you only believe in the gender and sexual orientation binary.
Man or woman. Gay or straight.
Welcome to Susan's Place. We understand about ourself for a long time and we gather information from many sources to educate ourself. A CIS person has no need to do this unless something creates a need. Most commonly it's a partner or an acquaintance coming out that creates a need. In my case, once I knew what to look for there were clues all over the place however I discovered myself at age 13 and it took me till I was 30 or 40 before I was able to understand the clues I was giving off pre teen.
Before you go to far, I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with your wife. It might turn out bad but I know it will turn out worst if she discovers you have been keeping secrets from her. If you are uncomfortable doing this, then see a gender therapist and formulate a plan for your future life.
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Sooo much to say here. Thank you all for welcoming me. It is amazing to me to even have a forum like this to talk openly and get advice from people with way more experience than I.
Btw, Jeanette, I liked your story, I mean, before you added the dose of reality part. Too much to ask?
Ok, some serious stuff here but I am curious to see how my story may match up to others. I am pretty long-winded once I get started so I will try to curtail that somewhat in my sexual life story....
I am in my 50s now and I will just admit that I gave myself that label on my post but I have never been sure of exactly where I fit as far as sexuality and gender. Even as a young child, as far back as my memory of sexuality goes, I seemingly felt differently than my friends. I even remember thinking maybe I was an alien because I didn't think like the other "humans". Like any young boy, I had know idea about meanings of sexuality. I think maybe I knew what "homo" meant and it was bad. I think we called each other that and at one point jokingly tried oral on each other. We laughed it all off but inside it was transforming to me. it was an overwhelming feeling to do it and those feelings never changed to this day.
As I got a little older and abandoned the idea that I was an alien...lol, I thought that maybe I was supposed to be a girl when I was born. Nobody prompted me to think that or even to fathom that there was such a thing. I felt maybe I was the only boy that ever experienced this in the entire world before. I knew to never talk about it though. My father was always making "homo" comments or something to that effect, whether he was cursing at baseball players on tv or just talking about someone he knew in a derogatory manner.
I grew up being a boy... baseball, football, fighting, girlfriends, all the while, feeling like I was hiding this secret. Not that I didn't enjoy girls, I did, I do, I just had some desires I could not suppress. As a teenager, I had some bi-experiences and would literally make an excuse to leave my girlfriend's house so I could go do that. (story for another time). I had snuck my mother's panties a few times, and that was amazing, but it was just so few and fleeting moments, and still sooo taboo to me, I never indulged dressing more than that.
As a young man, I got married, had kids, joined the military and made a career out of that so any thoughts of going in another direction were well suppressed, at least on the outside. I was a man, a manly man. I did, however, hint otherwise to my wife over the years, even having a some bi-threesomes and a few in-the-heat-of-passion drunken blurted out confessions where I fully expected to be interrogated the next day. But I never got "Hey, did you mean what you said last night? Let's talk about that."
Now, I have kids, grandkids, who don't know me any other way than I am, a man, a war hero, a role-model for any hetero-sexual young man. I feel like I have committed to that and invested way to much to change that even if that doubtful searching young boy still resides in me. If the information available today was available to me back then, I could have very well made another choice.
So, I have been experimenting lately with dressing and it has sooo rekindled my emotions and confusions. It is more than just clothes, I know that. It is transforming, freeing, exposing, emotional, natural. I don't have to summon those feelings, it comes over me like a wave. It is me matching that vision I had when I was a young boy. It is me not pretending. I mean, I don't think I am pretending to be a man. I am and I am pretty good at it (lol) but when I dress, I am not pretending that THAT isn't also part of me.
{PAUSE}
...Typing this and reading it back has made me quite emotional. I like to think I am decisive but it IS confusing, even now. Sometimes I think I am trying to convince myself. It scares me to think about just "coming out". I don't know that I will ever fully do that other than maybe to my wife (hopefully), but all this makes me wonder if I am not Jeanette 10 years removed.
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 16, 2017, 01:17:02 PM
I am a cross-dresser, a wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. My wife doesn't know. She should, but she doesn't. I read things like on these forums and I think, my God, I have given her ALL those indicators over the years. She isn't catching on. One day she is going to read something or one of those Facebook tests or something and, like a lightbulb, it is going to dawn on her "OMG, this is my husband. everything makes so much sense now". Then she will just come home one day and say, "Hey, I was at the mall today and I picked you up this hot little dress and panty set, and I thought you could wear it out with me tonight and we will find some hot dates". Ok, that last part was fantasy but I do think if I could just expose her to the information somehow without saying "Hey honey, read this", that she would get it. Any suggestions?
Hi Joanna2
Glad you found us and welcome to Susan's
I think it is unlikely her picking up on clues because to her they won't be clues, she won't see them because unless you have told her about your need to cross dress already it is probably going to come as a complete surprise. Can I suggest that you will have a much better chance of having your fantasy fulfilled if your wife actually knows you would like that...if you know what I mean. This is going to be the furthest thing from her mind...unless she is into it as well and then it could be a match made in heaven...you will never know if you never speak to her or maybe as Dena suggested a therapist. Good Luck
Liz
55, ex-military, father, grandfather, recently accepted that I am a woman.
What you just wrote is heart-breaking to me, but I get it. It does take a lot of courage to be completely your authentic self. But not doing so creates enormous pain. Every choice has its price. For me, I struggled for years with confusion over my sexuality that threatened (and sometimes succeeded) to result in self destructive behaviors. The incredible relief I felt when I finally realized who I was can hardly be expressed. Now comes the hard part of stepping into that. I am greatly blessed with a completely supportive wife who wants me whatever sex I am.
One thing I found is how exciting and satisfying it is, even with the baby steps. The other day my wife and I dressed me up and made up my face. When I looked at myself and, for the first time, saw the woman inside with my own eyes, I cried with joy! We hugged and shared that moment together, a moment I will never forget.
Make your choice, but realize that what seems the easier choice may be hardest in the end.
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Hi Joanna2! I can honestly say your story is very much like my own. I tried for years telling my wife I was trans. I am 5q and we have been married almost 21 years. I had finally had enough last summer and after fighting both depression and my own anguish, I broke down one sunny day in June and told her. At first she was in shock as you can imagine. She convinced me to find a therapist and support group. Both of which I have done. While I don't go to the group as much as I should, I will say that both helped tremendously. During our conversations since telling her, she NOW sees the clues I gave her over the years. Some of those cluse I gave her 20 years ago when we first got married. Just the other day she said, "Now I see why you bought that little black dress and heels right after we got married." I did wear them after buying them for her and looking back she gets that now but at the time she had no clue. I am fortunate that she is very supportive but I have so many other considerations that I don't know where or even if this journey will take me. I say all this because I think at some point you should, in no particular order, 1. Tell her, 2. Find a therapist and 3. Find a support group. It is not easy but things have a way of working out, it just may not go exactly as planned.
Paula
Mikaela, it is really crazy... everything. My wife criticizes me for hiding my emotions. I so do that and I am good at it. I have overly compensated and suppressed my more feminine feelings and emotions in front of anybody to the point where I just won't. I am pretty good at even struggling through movies without a peep. When I am alone, I am a total disaster. There have been a few times I couldn't stop myself and have cried hysterically to my wife and she (and I) didn't really know why. It's like I was letting out all those past cries. I am so aware of that happening that I soldier up to not even let that start.
I only mention that because now, reading your post, I am a mess... partly because of your comment and rereading MY post again, but mostly because of your moment with your wife when she dressed you. OMG, I so want that moment. I want to look in the mirror and then look at her and just cry and hug like that and her say "I am sorry, I didn't realize", and me say, "I am sorry I didn't tell you".
{PAUSE}
But I sooo fear that that won't be my happy ending (or happy beginning), and more importantly than that, that it won't be her happy ending. Whatever I am or I was supposed to be, I have committed to making someone else's life what it is. A person who has literally has given up her own life to follow me around the world pursuing mine. She always tells me I am her knight in shining armor. I won't jeopardize that even at the expense of never coming out. I wish there was a way to know that I could be a Knight AND a Princess.
You are a lucky girl!
Also, thanks for your service!
You are honorable, and you love your wife. That is beautiful.
Only you know your unique situation. However may I post another possibility for you to explore from your point of view?
Is it possible that the woman who followed you all over the world would follow you into your authentic self as well? I know you don't know the answer to that question, but until you share your truth with her you never will. You live a lie for her, but is this what she wants? Is it possible that you could at least have a heart to heart with her, tell her how you feel, and let her be in on the decision on how to proceed? Committed relationships are a partnership, and you aren't sharing the load equally with her, it seems to me. I suspect, since you've actually confessed while drunk, that she suspects the truth and is waiting to see if you will open up to her...
Maybe there's a place to be her amazon princess in shining armor. I know that sometimes women can't handle this and flee the relationship, but if she is already accepting it on some level, maybe there's your perfect way to have your happiness and continue to be a part of hers as well...
Best of luck, and I think it's wonderful you are sharing your true self for the first time, even if only on this forum.
Hi again Joanna2,
OMG I got 2 mentions in your reply, I'm flattered. lol I'm not actually as I can see you hadn't had many replies by that point. Since getting more replies you can see I'm not different from the others here that think you will eventually need to discuss things with your wife eventually. I'm sorry. Fairy tales seldom if ever come true.
I want to thank you for telling us more of your story. I could see it wasn't easy for you. Baring ones hidden self never is. Doing so to someone, preferably a therapist, can be very healthful for your sole though. I myself took the advice I got here at Susan's and sought out a gender therapist myself. Talking to him has been helpful for my own peace of mind. I was fearful of taking this step at first as I did not have a high opinion of therapists beforehand but again Susan's Place and the denizens withing gave me the courage to forge ahead. Now I'm recommending them to others. Omg what have I become?
Anyway, getting back on track... You story and mine differ in the details and that doesn't really matter, they are similar in the bigger picture. I grew up among 5 sand a brother. My brother was a hero to me but as the oldest he left home before becoming a big influence on me. He left and joined the Air Force. My Dad was a 30 year career Navy man. Both of the men in my family served this country in combat. I am proud of them. But as you can see my formative years were most influenced by females. Oh I did the boy things, Cub Scout, Boy Scouts, tried to do baseball once but no I didn't want to be there. I liked the scouts and became a patrol leader but as such I was a nurturer cooking and taking care of my kids. lol
I also learned to cook, sew,do laundry, even a bit of crochet and knitting at home. I had the skill set to be self sufficient when I left home. I also had access to the pretties my sisters had and "borrowed" some things along the way. I start my crossdressing way back then. It lasted through the years and through, fatherhood, a 20+ year failed marriage, through my own Naval service. It lasted right up to the day I discovered what gender dysphoria was. That happened last November, and it clicked. That was what was wrong with me all these shameful years. I had thought I was just a life long crossdresser, I had tried and failed many time to stop, but always I started again until I knew I could not stop and quit trying. Growing up I always had this desire to be a girl, I envied girls and later women of course. Dressing as a female gave me this feeling that I needed. I fely good, I could let the stress of being a man with all it's bagged slip away for awhile. I could escape my day to day male world and be a woman. I convinced myself that this was enough. Cross dressing when needed was just what the doctor ordered, it was all I needed to reset myself and feel good for awhile.
But the discovery of gender dysphoria ruined all that. It told me I had been lying to myself. Cross dressing was not enough. I always wanted more. I was trans. More than that I am a trans woman and I could have more, could be more. That's when I found HRT and started doing it, told my PCP and got help. I began my transition. Transition isn't an easy journey. It is far more than the HRT. It requires many many change in myself and it influences every aspect of my life. I have just begun. I have so much to do and can't do it alone. That is why I am here, and why I see a therapist, and why I told my primary doctor. I am working to accept myself and have begun coming out to other. Some of them will accept and support, others won't. I can't let those stop me, because I have to become the person I have dreamed of being. That person is a woman.
There Joanna2, you told us some of your story and it was not easy for you to do so. It is only right I should tell you some of mine. Thank you for sharing yours. We both have a journey to make. I hope yours is rewarding for you as I think mine is going to be for me. If you never take steps to begin the things you want to happen then they will not happen. You are here sharing with us what it is to be you, don't you think you need to begin to share it with your wife so you can go on with your life? At least seek out someone to talk to. A trusted friend or a therapist. At this point you're stuck. You want to move forward but don't know how. Why else would you be here telling us if you weren't? Don't you think it is time to do something?
Hugs,
Jeanette
PaulaLee, Nice to meet you. Nice legs. I have big calves like you. I always thought that would be the thing to give me away even if I could master the rest. I just posted a reply to Makaela and wanted to reply to you also. It is amazing to me to talk to people with this story. I feel I have been in the closet AND in the dark.
Scary stuff. I want to tell her but I have to find a way to know. Maybe I need a plant to start chatting with her and nonchalantly give her some what ifs. Nobody here would be good for that though, too much honesty, you all would be like, "Hey, guess what, your husband wants to be a girl named Joanna", lol.
Actually, I also fear that I take the leap, she accepts it, and then I can't live up to it. I won't be a good "girl", a failure, or doubt that I am even that anymore after all the novelty wears off, confuse everyone and confuse myself.
So, are you full time trans? I am always confused by the terminology. Does it imply full time? Does it imply that you are transitioning your sexuality too? I never called myself trans but I think I am more than just a cross-dresser even though I may not want to transition full time. I am not just a guy who likes to wear women's clothes. I want to be a girl. It is a transformation. I am also bi-sexual but closer to wanting to be a bi-sexual girl than a bi-sexual guy. Same clientele I guess, lol.
Joanna
Joanna, you are free to share my story with your wife as an illustration on what it could look like. I'm sure she has many misunderstandings about what it might be like to be in relationship with a trans woman. I know I sure did, and I'm still learning tons. This site is a great place to learn, even about things you didn't even know to ask. It's been an amazing resource for me!
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Jeannette,
So, it is soooo much easier to share it here with yous than it would be to share with my wife. She may not be as understanding. Hmmm, so why I am here telling you my story? I guess I did seek out this site with the intent of finding like-minded people and getting answers and even encouragement. I certainly got that so far. I am thoroughly amazed to be trading stories and feelings about this. It seems I couldn't wait to spill my story either...lol. That was amazing to do in itself. And it has been good to read about some hard truths and some outright horror stories but also to hear about success stories like Mikaela's. That vision of his wife dressing him and doing his makeup and looking in the mirror and then them both crying together is just fairy-tale perfect. A girl can dream.
So, actually, I know some of your story already. I read alot of those pages from your "Here I Go Again" post. I wanted to see the outcome of your anticlimactic appointment with the therapist and then I kept reading until your successful outing for your cuticle tool and wallet. Great job. Amazing stuff and so nice to have all those (these) people to talk to and encourage you (and push you out of your comfort zone like you are trying to do to me...lol).
Your life story is amazing and I wish I had your strength to commit like that. If someone would have described gender dysphoria to me and gave me an option when I was that little boy, I would have said, OMG, yes, that's me, let's go, change me. I know it is reall and comes from inside because I didn't know about it, ask for it, seek it, or be influenced to want it, and if anything, quite the contrary, but for all intents and purposes, I was a girl inside, acting like a boy.
I guess I worked it out enough and accepted that I was a teenage boy but it was and is still there. I can see why teens and adults have a hard time with it and even to the point of being suicidal. I never got like that, thank God, but I know how strong the dysphoria can be.
So, exciting. for the first time, I have a wig and a dress and shoes and a complete makeup kit coming in and I can't wait to dress and take a picture for my profile.
So, We are going to Clearwater/St Pete the last week in June for vacation. Jusy happens to be the LGBT Pride Parade and Festival Weekend. Anyone wannna go?
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 17, 2017, 01:12:52 PM
Jeannette,
So, it is soooo much easier to share it here with yous than it would be to share with my wife. She may not be as understanding. Hmmm, so why I am here telling you my story? I guess I did seek out this site with the intent of finding like-minded people and getting answers and even encouragement. I certainly got that so far. I am thoroughly amazed to be trading stories and feelings about this. It seems I couldn't wait to spill my story either...lol. That was amazing to do in itself. And it has been good to read about some hard truths and some outright horror stories but also to hear about success stories like Mikaela's. That vision of his wife dressing him and doing his makeup and looking in the mirror and then them both crying together is just fairy-tale perfect. A girl can dream.
So, actually, I know some of your story already. I read alot of those pages from your "Here I Go Again" post. I wanted to see the outcome of your anticlimactic appointment with the therapist and then I kept reading until your successful outing for your cuticle tool and wallet. Great job. Amazing stuff and so nice to have all those (these) people to talk to and encourage you (and push you out of your comfort zone like you are trying to do to me...lol).
Your life story is amazing and I wish I had your strength to commit like that. If someone would have described gender dysphoria to me and gave me an option when I was that little boy, I would have said, OMG, yes, that's me, let's go, change me. I know it is reall and comes from inside because I didn't know about it, ask for it, seek it, or be influenced to want it, and if anything, quite the contrary, but for all intents and purposes, I was a girl inside, acting like a boy.
I guess I worked it out enough and accepted that I was a teenage boy but it was and is still there. I can see why teens and adults have a hard time with it and even to the point of being suicidal. I never got like that, thank God, but I know how strong the dysphoria can be.
So, exciting. for the first time, I have a wig and a dress and shoes and a complete makeup kit coming in and I can't wait to dress and take a picture for my profile.
So, We are going to Clearwater/St Pete the last week in June for vacation. Jusy happens to be the LGBT Pride Parade and Festival Weekend. Anyone wannna go?
I'd love to go! I live nearby, in Bradenton.
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Welcome and very nice thread and responses. The fantasy of the acceptance that you describe probably has happened but statistically i would guess it is a very small percentage. I think the best route has proven to be honest and frank discussions with your spouse, with follow up, counseling if needed and then potentially some negotiation around boundaries after that.
All married people change over the course of their marriage so you should not feel ashamed, there is nothing about femininity or being a woman that is shameful. With self-realization we grow and seek a better life at the very least she should respect that in you because she loves you.
Culturally, middle age and older folks grew up in a different world with different heteronormative practices and expectations. Younger people have far less of those so it may be helpful to point that out and work on the cultural discomfort etc.
Boundaries is a concern. My wife knows that I am bi although we (I) don't practice it much these days. She is straight. I actually would like to date (as a woman), alone, or together, and I would not be opposed to double dating with her. I don't know why I think that would be more acceptable but I think she is not threatened by a man stealing me (although maybe that would change with me as a woman). I have no problem actually her being with another guy, on a date or in the bedroom. Maybe it has something to do with projecting myself in her shoes (literally). I know dating is a sensitive and risky venture but if it got to that we would have to work it out. I never dated as a girl and I never dated a man (I mean other than just sexual encounters). I don't even really like that vision. I don't see myself as gay. I don't watch gay porn or anything like that. I certainly would do it as a woman though and fantasize about that and want that. As for a husband-like person, I really don't want a another lifetime partner, I have that, and I know she doesn't either.
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 17, 2017, 10:31:59 PM
Boundaries is a concern. My wife knows that I am bi although we (I) don't practice it much these days. She is straight. I actually would like to date (as a woman), alone, or together, and I would not be opposed to double dating with her. I don't know why I think that would be more acceptable but I think she is not threatened by a man stealing me (although maybe that would change with me as a woman). I have no problem actually her being with another guy, on a date or in the bedroom. Maybe it has something to do with projecting myself in her shoes (literally). I know dating is a sensitive and risky venture but if it got to that we would have to work it out. I never dated as a girl and I never dated a man (I mean other than just sexual encounters). I don't even really like that vision. I don't see myself as gay. I don't watch gay porn or anything like that. I certainly would do it as a woman though and fantasize about that and want that. As for a husband-like person, I really don't want a another lifetime partner, I have that, and I know she doesn't either.
Omg, I could have written this! I struggled with the whole "am I gay, or what" thing and found I didn't like being with gay men. I enjoyed bi encounters, but just the sexual part. As far as my wife, we have adjusted to a poly situation. She has her other husband who is very alpha, and I found that not having to satisfy her freed me to shift our intimacy so that it is more like two women making love. Very tender, sweet, non-penetrative. She sleeps in my bed sometimes, and it's wonderful, but it's more about companionship. I came to realize that I didn't want to penetrate anyone anymore. She isn't threatened by the men I play with and I'm not threatened by her alpha. She loves me just like I am, and I adore her. So I'm figuring out that I'm basically a bi woman. Since my wife accepts and supports this, I'm in a very good place. I'm sure it's pretty unusual, too. It takes people who are willing to look beyond the "norms" and focus on the connection between people. It also takes patience to let things develop at a pace where everyone is comfortable. Our situation evolved over 2 years. I didn't know I was trans, I just kept following my heart and so did she, and when the realization came (not even a month ago!), the framework had already been put into place.
One funny outcome is that she continues to insist that she's straight, but I'm her exception. Lol! Maybe she's not very binary.
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Quote from: Mikaela on April 18, 2017, 07:32:59 AM
Omg, I could have written this! I struggled with the whole "am I gay, or what" thing and found I didn't like being with gay men. I enjoyed bi encounters, but just the sexual part. As far as my wife, we have adjusted to a poly situation. She has her other husband who is very alpha, and I found that not having to satisfy her freed me to shift our intimacy so that it is more like two women making love. Very tender, sweet, non-penetrative. She sleeps in my bed sometimes, and it's wonderful, but it's more about companionship. I came to realize that I didn't want to penetrate anyone anymore. She isn't threatened by the men I play with and I'm not threatened by her alpha. She loves me just like I am, and I adore her. So I'm figuring out that I'm basically a bi woman. Since my wife accepts and supports this, I'm in a very good place. I'm sure it's pretty unusual, too. It takes people who are willing to look beyond the "norms" and focus on the connection between people. It also takes patience to let things develop at a pace where everyone is comfortable. Our situation evolved over 2 years. I didn't know I was trans, I just kept following my heart and so did she, and when the realization came (not even a month ago!), the framework had already been put into place.
One funny outcome is that she continues to insist that she's straight, but I'm her exception. Lol! Maybe she's not very binary.
That is amazing. . So, just recently, having been pushed to describe my sexuality, I came to that conclusion that I am that... a bisexual girl more than a bisexual guy (wannabe anyway). I just typed that very thing in the reply to Paula. That hasn't always been clear to me either but I get it now. I am not gay. I don't think my original description in this thread "a wannabe feminized bi-sexual crossdresser" was the best choice of words...lol. I'm just a bi-girl, I like that. My wife will just have to be bi then too...lol.
So, a few things to tell you. Your experience with your wife and especially with that moment yous had has become kind of my fairytale. I keep thinking about Jeanette's retelling my first post back to me as a fairytale. I know she is probably more right than not but your real life experience is a fairytale to me and shows that it can happen, just like I want. I keep imagining what that moment we are both standing in front of the mirror would be like. I imagine that after standing there in stunned silence for a minute we catch each other's eye and she just says, "Hi" like she is looking into my soul for the first time. Anyway, that is the way I would like to think of it happening. I know I mentioned it before but I changed the part that we both have regret. This is a happier ending/beginning.
So, it is so ironic about the LGBT festival. I am actually away for work and was talking to my wife about vacation at the end of June and I said we should see what is going on in St Pete/Clearwater on that weekend. I had NO idea the festival was happening that weekend there when I mentioned the location and dates. Isn't that irony. I brought up the event calendar and I was looking at that online while we were chatting and I think maybe she was too on her end but we didn't discuss it any further. It actually seemed like a moment I should have said something and didn't. Anyway, I think we are going that weekend.
But, maybe even the bigger irony is that you are from Bradenton. I mean, a person I am sharing my soul with online, an ex-military guy whose demographic down to even age matches mine and seems to be describing my life to me in future tense, including a fairytale moment, including relating to the very description of me sexually, who offered to allow me to use your story and help. I mean, I have this window open with all this unanimous advice telling me to just come out to my wife, another chat window with my wife, AND I just, out of the blue, happen to pick and mention to her the place and time of one of the biggest LGBT events out there, AND I throw it out there on this site, AND it's where you live. Like those three browser windows should just merge into one for me. I feel like the irony and coincidence is incredible. Like it is being handed to me.... tell my wife, go to this amazing event where I have an opportunity to come out without being judged or scrutinized, have someone there to help and answer the million questions that we would have and help my wife know that it will workout and be amazing, and oh yea, shop for great new clothes together, party, and have a great time. The thought of this materializing is a incredibly exciting and utterly frightening.
I do want to ask you more about your arrangements with your wife but I will save it for another post since this one got long already.
Joanna
Omg, Joanna, that is very sweet and I appreciate your comments. They literally brought tears to my eyes. It would be awesome to meet you and your wife, and to have your wife meet us. My wife gets along with everyone, and is very sweet and accepting, and I think your wife would get a view of what the realities are. People are always impressed by my wife.
The coincidences, etc, are what I call "synchronicities", and I've learned to pay attention to those. They can be powerful indicators for direction in life, I feel.
What you are describing for the event sounds like a blast! Can you get onto chat? I don't think I can message you until you hit your 15 post limitation...
Poly relationships work - we have been in one for over two decades. Like all relationships they require work and adaptation as both people change over time. Becoming poly from monogamy can also work, i have heard of couples successful in doing that. It sort of depends on your basis and values.
Good luck on the trip and potentially going to the festival.
Quote from: Mikaela on April 18, 2017, 01:28:49 PM
Omg, Joanna, that is very sweet and I appreciate your comments. They literally brought tears to my eyes. It would be awesome to meet you and your wife, and to have your wife meet us. My wife gets along with everyone, and is very sweet and accepting, and I think your wife would get a view of what the realities are. People are always impressed by my wife.
The coincidences, etc, are what I call "synchronicities", and I've learned to pay attention to those. They can be powerful indicators for direction in life, I feel.
What you are describing for the event sounds like a blast! Can you get onto chat? I don't think I can message you until you hit your 15 post limitation...
15 post quota? I will just have to keep talking. I have plenty to say and ask. "Synchronicities", yes, I agree with that. Today I am seriously considering my options and plan, with the goal of making that festival (as a woman) and with my wife. You said it was a two year process for you and I see you claim less than a month acceptance. How did you start? Did you start throwing heavy clues and see how she reacts? or did you just bite the bullet and have a heart to heart like so many here have said to do? I know I (we) are not going to have all the answers in two months but it will be enough to get to the Grand Opening!!!, lol.
So, some of the things I am concerned with, I mean, other than the fear of my wife running out of the house screaming and never coming back when I tell her, lol.
- The dating thing is huge. Not sure whether to mention that in the beginning but I would think it will come up. I don't think I should just say "Yes, I want this, and that, and this". I think downplaying certain aspects at first is better.
- Transitioning full time. I think that is not an option for me for ahwile and I am not sure I want that. I know that probably changes with time and acceptance but I think that would have to materialize over time. I can't do it for work and I doubt my wife will let go of me as I am so easily. I am not going to force that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum to accept me as this or leave me. Because, as I mentioned before, I wouldn't follow through on that threat. I am also a musician and play guitar and sing (not for a living) but I do play out. I couldn't do that as a woman. Never even considered that and the voice thing would certainly be an issue with that. How do you deal with your voice in public? Do you practice? Is there things you can do? Are you planning HRT or surgery for your voice?
- A kind of sensitive topic but you mentioned about you and your wife's sleeping arrangements. For the past few years I have slept on the couch. I didn't deliberately make a choice one day to do that, I just started not going to bed because I realized I was uncomfortable in bed, anxious, and it kept me awake. I didn't automatically associate that with this but having just discovered that alot of things in my past life were and are indicators, I am thinking that this is a manifestation of this turmoil inside. What do you think?
- Crazy how things are fitting together right now. She is going to have those realizations too. "Oh, so that's why this, and that's why that..." Probably, she will see things that I am not. After all, she has much more experience at being a woman than I.
So, I have some other questions (of course) and clothes questions (love clothes) and some questions about safe places to go (besides an LGBT Festival, lol) but I will send another post to get to my 15.
Joanna
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 18, 2017, 09:11:43 PM
- Transitioning full time. I think that is not an option for me for ahwile and I am not sure I want that. I know that probably changes with time and acceptance but I think that would have to materialize over time. I can't do it for work and I doubt my wife will let go of me as I am so easily. I am not going to force that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum to accept me as this or leave me. Because, as I mentioned before, I wouldn't follow through on that threat. I am also a musician and play guitar and sing (not for a living) but I do play out. I couldn't do that as a woman. Never even considered that and the voice thing would certainly be an issue with that. How do you deal with your voice in public? Do you practice? Is there things you can do? Are you planning HRT or surgery for your voice?
Most people have a voice high enough that therapy can produce a feminine sounding voice and some are even able to sing with it. I was not that fortunate and my trained voice was still well into the male range at about 130 to 140 or around a C3 for a head voice. It's not uncommon for males to have a chest voice in this range. I did the best I could but I decided to look into surgery about a year and a half ago. That was what caused me to find Susan's and you will see my early exploration in my early posts on the site. I don't recommend surgery unless you really need it but my head trained voice is comfortable at 220hz or A3 which is well in the feminine range.
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 18, 2017, 09:11:43 PM
15 post quota? I will just have to keep talking. I have plenty to say and ask. "Synchronicities", yes, I agree with that. Today I am seriously considering my options and plan, with the goal of making that festival (as a woman) and with my wife. You said it was a two year process for you and I see you claim less than a month acceptance. How did you start? Did you start throwing heavy clues and see how she reacts? or did you just bite the bullet and have a heart to heart like so many here have said to do? I know I (we) are not going to have all the answers in two months but it will be enough to get to the Grand Opening!!!, lol.
So, some of the things I am concerned with, I mean, other than the fear of my wife running out of the house screaming and never coming back when I tell her, lol.
- The dating thing is huge. Not sure whether to mention that in the beginning but I would think it will come up. I don't think I should just say "Yes, I want this, and that, and this". I think downplaying certain aspects at first is better.
- Transitioning full time. I think that is not an option for me for ahwile and I am not sure I want that. I know that probably changes with time and acceptance but I think that would have to materialize over time. I can't do it for work and I doubt my wife will let go of me as I am so easily. I am not going to force that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum to accept me as this or leave me. Because, as I mentioned before, I wouldn't follow through on that threat. I am also a musician and play guitar and sing (not for a living) but I do play out. I couldn't do that as a woman. Never even considered that and the voice thing would certainly be an issue with that. How do you deal with your voice in public? Do you practice? Is there things you can do? Are you planning HRT or surgery for your voice?
- A kind of sensitive topic but you mentioned about you and your wife's sleeping arrangements. For the past few years I have slept on the couch. I didn't deliberately make a choice one day to do that, I just started not going to bed because I realized I was uncomfortable in bed, anxious, and it kept me awake. I didn't automatically associate that with this but having just discovered that alot of things in my past life were and are indicators, I am thinking that this is a manifestation of this turmoil inside. What do you think?
- Crazy how things are fitting together right now. She is going to have those realizations too. "Oh, so that's why this, and that's why that..." Probably, she will see things that I am not. After all, she has much more experience at being a woman than I.
So, I have some other questions (of course) and clothes questions (love clothes) and some questions about safe places to go (besides an LGBT Festival, lol) but I will send another post to get to my 15.
Joanna
Oh, crap...now you're upping the ante... I haven't gone outside the house dressed as a woman since my "awakening". Omg. Well, I guess if I haven't done it by then, I'll just have to go for it. It's possible I may meet someone I know there. Maybe they won't recognize me...lol! Maybe they will. Oh well.
In answer to the two year/1 month factor: For the last two years I have been shifting things in ways that I didn't understand, but now looking back, it was freaking obvious to someone who knows about misgendering. For instance, I've grown my hair quite long, down to mid-shoulder blade length. I have amazing hair for a 56 year old man, and while I started letting it grow on (what I thought) was a lark, I started liking it. A lot. I liked how it felt on my shoulders. I like seeing it in the mirror. I liked combing it. People would ask me about it, and I'd just say that it was something I was doing just because I've never tried it. It's always been real short, usually not much longer than military (Navy military, not Marine). As our poly relationship developed, while my wife and her new partner were still in their "new relationship energy" stage, I encouraged things to shift to where he started supplying her sexual needs, he ended up sharing the master suite (I got my own room), etc, while maintaining a close intimate relationship with her. From time to time we even commented that I was more like a "girlfriend". I had a drawer full of panties that I wore fairly often, that my wife helped me buy. There were lots of other things going on as well, some that I am only now seeing in a new light. Every day there is another "aha" moment. But I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. I struggled with my sexuality. She let me play with a bi man, and once with a gay man. The bi man was great. Intense and primal, and that worked. The gay man left me literally traumatized. It took me several days to recover, and it wasn't anything he did. It just did not work for me. So I'm struggling with the "am I gay", "am I bi", WTF, and even started thinking I was going insane. None of it made any sense to me.
Last month, my wife did an Oracle card reading (kinda like Tarot) for me about my sexuality. The message I got knocked me on my ass. I instantly knew that I got to accept that I was a trans woman. It took a few days for me to process this, and then I shared it with her. It actually didn't go down that easy with her. She processed it for 2 days. Once she had the chance to accept it and to realize it didn't mean the end of our relationship, she fully accepted it, and has been even enthusiastic about it ever since. She let did that wonderful makeover session with me that I told you about and took pictures in our back yard (my profile pic is from that day). She and her other partner (who also fully accepted it) tease me all the time, and we have a lot of fun about it all. Her attitude towards me has shifted, too, in subtle ways. Today I went up to her and kissed her tenderly and played with her breast and she started giggling. I asked her why, and she said "a woman is playing with my breast!" and we both cracked up. I can tell from her energy that she is really holding me in that space now, and I'm loving it.
She told her daughter, who I am also close to, about it, and showed her the pictures (with my permission, of course). Her daughter said "I can see her!". And that's what was magical about the makeover. When I looked in the mirror and first saw a man in makeup and a dress, and then suddenly I crystallized into a woman. That was an incredibly exciting and mind-blowing moment for me...
So, once again, my experiences seem to be pretty relevant to yours. Pretty cool! As for my voice, I've started practicing a little. Also my mannerisms. I watch my wife, and it's the little things the even she is unaware. Watch how a woman reaches down to pick up something on the floor. Then watch how you do it. Women bend over at the waist. Men go out of their way to not do that - they squat. I have tons to learn.
There is a website that has a lot of resources for voice training (that I found out about on this forum). They want you to buy and download the program, but there's a LOT of free stuff to get you started:
http://www.genderlife.com/products-page/ultimate-packages/transsexual-voice-video-download/
As far as both dating and transitioning full time, I would say just to take your time and do what feels natural. Find your pace. Transitioning can have lots of flavors, as I've recently learned. It can run from simple cross-dressing to full SRS surgery that makes you, for most purposes, functionally a woman. Lots of wiggle room to find your perfect place. That's my advice from one newbie to another...lol!
About PM, I think the 15 post minimum is to send a PM, but not to receive one. Also from somebody I PM'd and they replied -- it looks like a newbie can reply to a PM without having 15 posts.
I bought the Genderlife videos ("Finding Your Female Voice Exercises b" and "Finding Your Female Voice Spectrogram Exercises b" video) and PDF guide. Cost me all of $9.95 so it's a pretty easy decision. Have only started, but having read through the guide it seems like a pretty thorough process.
Your relationship discussions are pretty interesting, although I don't think relevant for me. Good luck to both of you!
Love, Randy
Quote from: RandyL on April 18, 2017, 10:18:45 PM
About PM, I think the 15 post minimum is to send a PM, but not to receive one. Also from somebody I PM'd and they replied -- it looks like a newbie can reply to a PM without having 15 posts.
Great! I didn't know that - I'll give it a try.
Quote from: RandyL on April 18, 2017, 10:18:45 PM
About PM, I think the 15 post minimum is to send a PM, but not to receive one. Also from somebody I PM'd and they replied -- it looks like a newbie can reply to a PM without having 15 posts.
I think that's incorrect. The only exception I know of is if they are a donor. I have sent plenty of PMs to new users about moderation issues and I have seen them respond in threads but not by PM until they reach 15 posts.
Quote from: Dena on April 18, 2017, 10:28:09 PM
I think that's incorrect. The only exception I know of is if they are a donor. I have sent plenty of PMs to new users about moderation issues and I have seen them respond in threads but not by PM until they reach 15 posts.
Thanks for the correction Dena. I guess the person who replied to me must have been a donor.
Hi, Joanna2.
Congratulations on opening up to us about yourself! It sounds like you are still exploring yourself and what your needs and wants are and will be. You might want to consider seeing a gender therapist to help you with that exploration.
Many of us are or have been in similar positions. I am 62, married, ex-military (RCAF), retired systems analyst. Coming out to my wife, almost a year ago, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I, too, had done my share of fantasy, but I found that wishful thinking was not a good medium of communication. ;) The only thing I could do was to jump without a parachute and just tell her. You can ask some of the members here how long it took me to work up the gumption to do it. Months!
I didn't give her an ultimatum. Instead, I gave her her freedom. I told her that my preference was to stay together, but it was her decision whether to leave or stay. She decided to stay and be my biggest supporter. I am going 'full time' in two days.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 19, 2017, 07:37:34 AM
Hi, Joanna2.
Congratulations on opening up to us about yourself! It sounds like you are still exploring yourself and what your needs and wants are and will be. You might want to consider seeing a gender therapist to help you with that exploration.
Many of us are or have been in similar positions. I am 62, married, ex-military (RCAF), retired systems analyst. Coming out to my wife, almost a year ago, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I, too, had done my share of fantasy, but I found that wishful thinking was not a good medium of communication. ;) The only thing I could do was to jump without a parachute and just tell her. You can ask some of the members here how long it took me to work up the gumption to do it. Months!
I didn't give her an ultimatum. Instead, I gave her her freedom. I told her that my preference was to stay together, but it was her decision whether to leave or stay. She decided to stay and be my biggest supporter. I am going 'full time' in two days.
Wow, It is sooo scary. Every time I talk to her now I am imagining when and how the words are going to come out. Walking into the bedroom to talk about would be like slow motion like walking the green mile or something. I don't want it to come out in the middle of an argument like I have seen but that would almost seem easier to blurt out, "OH YEA, I WANT TO BE A GIRL, HOW BOUT THAT?", lol. We don't even argue that much so I may be waiting awhile.
I have thought about the ultimatum scenario "Accept me or leave" thing. Actually, I don't know what I would if she did not accept it if she gave me an ultimatum back like "You do this and I AM leaving". Seems like you made that choice and plan to say "Ok" to that scenario and move on. I guess this is the whole scary part. For me, if she doesn't accept me I think will regret ever trying. Maybe I am not ready.
Quote from: Dena on April 18, 2017, 09:52:14 PM
Most people have a voice high enough that therapy can produce a feminine sounding voice and some are even able to sing with it. I was not that fortunate and my trained voice was still well into the male range at about 130 to 140 or around a C3 for a head voice. It's not uncommon for males to have a chest voice in this range. I did the best I could but I decided to look into surgery about a year and a half ago. That was what caused me to find Susan's and you will see my early exploration in my early posts on the site. I don't recommend surgery unless you really need it but my head trained voice is comfortable at 220hz or A3 which is well in the feminine range.
Wow, very informative and the surgery option must have been terrifying for a singer such as yourself. I sing (comfortably) in a lower range ala James Taylor, Jim Croce, Cat Stevens (showing my age) so I am screwed. I guess that is all still tenor. I never really tested myself. I am sitting here though talking to myself and playing notes on my guitar trying to figure out my normal talking range, lol.. I never checked. I think I am around C3 too. I don't know if I could bring myself to do surgery. I have been practicing though just talking in a higher voice without sound like Big Mama (movie). I think I will just have to claim I am a lifelong smoker. I mean, my voice is still not as deep as my sister-in-law's. My mother-in-law always thinks it's her on the phone when I call...lol.
Joanna
Just a word of caution! I too, thought my wife had picked up clues during the course of our marriage. I thought that confessing all would be a formality and things would carry on as if nothing had happened, if not improve. How wrong I was. Stories such as Mikaela's are wonderful but, sadly, few and far between.
As others have already said, you need to have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later. But before you have the conversation, try to empathise with the spouse's point of view. There are a few 'stickies' at the top of the Significant Others topic that will help you with this. Above all, remember that whilst you're dealing with one issue - your transgender urges - your wife will need to deal with two - your transgender urges and the fact that you kept these from her. It may well be that she's not bothered about either or both of these but, in my experience, the breach of trust was far harder to overcome and, on more than one occasion, my wife has said that she can't trust anything I say. The bottom line is that you can try to surpress your ->-bleeped-<- as I have done but you can't unsay what has been said.
If I could turn the clock back, I would give far more thought to the reasons I hid it for nearly two decades of marriage (thought it was a perversion and, when I met my wife, thought the urges had gone away permanently) and try to explain these to her. Yes, she would still have felt betrayed but, in all probablity, to a far lesser degree and may have been able to understnad my situation & struggles more as a result.
I hope this helps.
Quote from: aaajjj55 on April 20, 2017, 11:43:19 AM
Joanna
Just a word of caution! I too, thought my wife had picked up clues during the course of our marriage. I thought that confessing all would be a formality and things would carry on as if nothing had happened, if not improve. How wrong I was. Stories such as Mikaela's are wonderful but, sadly, few and far between.
As others have already said, you need to have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later. But before you have the conversation, try to empathise with the spouse's point of view. There are a few 'stickies' at the top of the Significant Others topic that will help you with this. Above all, remember that whilst you're dealing with one issue - your transgender urges - your wife will need to deal with two - your transgender urges and the fact that you kept these from her. It may well be that she's not bothered about either or both of these but, in my experience, the breach of trust was far harder to overcome and, on more than one occasion, my wife has said that she can't trust anything I say. The bottom line is that you can try to surpress your ->-bleeped-<- as I have done but you can't unsay what has been said.
If I could turn the clock back, I would give far more thought to the reasons I hid it for nearly two decades of marriage (thought it was a perversion and, when I met my wife, thought the urges had gone away permanently) and try to explain these to her. Yes, she would still have felt betrayed but, in all probablity, to a far lesser degree and may have been able to understnad my situation & struggles more as a result.
I hope this helps.
Excellent advice. I agree completely. I realize that I maybe be understating my own experience, too. I said it took two days for my wife to come to terms with the news, even as free-thinking as she is. Those were two long days for me. She wasn't angry, nor did she have any drama, but for two days she withdrew and got to sit with it, work it out. During that time, she didn't want to talk about it. It was painful for me, and brought up fears, but mostly I was feeling for her, wishing there was something I could do or say to make it easier for her. It just took some time, and then she was all in and started enjoying herself. My wife is not a typical case, I'm sure...
Definitely put some time into seeing it from her point of view so you can better communicate with her. Assume that she is completely clueless and communicate with her from that assumption. You're less likely to be caught flat-footed and come across as insensitive to her experience of this news. This is a situation that has high risks and rewards, so must be handled with care.
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 20, 2017, 08:22:48 AM
Wow, very informative and the surgery option must have been terrifying for a singer such as yourself.
I make no claim as a singer. That ended at puberty when I started sounding more like a frog than a human. I just happen to know a good deal about voices because I had an extremely knowledgeable therapist and and I have spend the last two years adding to my knowledge. It wasn't promised but I can now comfortably reach about a C5 500hz so if I can train my tin ear I might be able to sing something half way decent.
Quote from: Dena on April 20, 2017, 04:42:07 PM
I make no claim as a singer. That ended at puberty when I started sounding more like a frog than a human. I just happen to know a good deal about voices because I had an extremely knowledgeable therapist and and I have spend the last two years adding to my knowledge. It wasn't promised but I can now comfortably reach about a C5 500hz so if I can train my tin ear I might be able to sing something half way decent.
oh, I took your reference to the octave notes as having a musical background. I understand now that you learned that as part of your process and your learning about voices. Just talking singing, I would love to be able to sing that C5 note at will. That is amazing. I can briefly hit that in passing in falsetto like in the last chorus line of Elton John's song Daniel,"Daniel, your a star..." but nothing sustaining.
Quote from: aaajjj55 on April 20, 2017, 11:43:19 AM
Joanna
Just a word of caution! I too, thought my wife had picked up clues during the course of our marriage. I thought that confessing all would be a formality and things would carry on as if nothing had happened, if not improve. How wrong I was. Stories such as Mikaela's are wonderful but, sadly, few and far between.
As others have already said, you need to have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later. But before you have the conversation, try to empathize with the spouse's point of view. There are a few 'stickies' at the top of the Significant Others topic that will help you with this. Above all, remember that whilst you're dealing with one issue - your transgender urges - your wife will need to deal with two - your transgender urges and the fact that you kept these from her. It may well be that she's not bothered about either or both of these but, in my experience, the breach of trust was far harder to overcome and, on more than one occasion, my wife has said that she can't trust anything I say. The bottom line is that you can try to surpress your ->-bleeped-<- as I have done but you can't unsay what has been said.
If I could turn the clock back, I would give far more thought to the reasons I hid it for nearly two decades of marriage (thought it was a perversion and, when I met my wife, thought the urges had gone away permanently) and try to explain these to her. Yes, she would still have felt betrayed but, in all probablity, to a far lesser degree and may have been able to understand my situation & struggles more as a result.
I hope this helps.
Yes, I have read so much here and, believe me, I apply each persons experiences and life-lessons to how my scenario might play out. Recently, and especially in the last few weeks, I have gone from thinking "I am so ready to do this" to "What the <not allowed> am I thinking?" and back again. I know my story is not new.
I know my wife may very well take the position that everything we have done has been a lie. I almost would expect that. But for that to really be true, it would assume that I was always resolute in who I was and lied about it. I wasn't. I have honest plausible deniability. And actually, I have not totally been hiding anyway. I think she just separates things into just temporary sexual fantasy. I could use many examples of hints and almost outright admissions though but just for example and more recently: I was away for work and and video chatting with her and actually (in the moment) showed her my panties. At the end, she asked me where I got them and I said I bought them here but said they are hard for me to buy and she said she would get me some. She actually sent me some pics while she was shopping for them and I picked the ones I liked. It was a fantasy moment and I even messaged back that I love panty shopping with her. She still didn't ask me about anything and just chalks it up to a small sexual turn-on. I mean, I know that wasn't "coming-out" on my part but if I mentioned all the moments and comments like that, (I think) it should be obvious.
I mean, I think sometimes that I just underestimate her and she knows and that when I do tell her she will say, "of course I know". In that scenario she wouldn't be shocked and appalled but in some ways, THAT scenario is also concerning because maybe it would mean she has already made the conscious choice not to accept or encourage it.
In my fairytale, she would say, of course I know, I have been waiting for you to be ready.
This site has been amazingly informative and therapeutic and it has also been fun sharing comments about shoes and makeup and lingerie shopping and I have joked about stuff and even joked about my wife. But, I do understand the enormity of it and that however that conversation goes, or her reaction, it will be a life changing moment for both... the moment she accepts, or rejects, or as in Makaela's wife's case, withdraws into soul searching limbo for a few days. I understand that that moment will change the remainder of mine, my wife's, and depending upon how it unfolds, many other's lives, and even changes our history. All those events and pictures that were remembered one way will now be revisited and overlayed with this new information.
We once had a fire years ago that destroyed everything we had. It was a very emotional time but it was not all instantaneous. Seemed like everyday and even months later, she would break down recalling another thing that was destroyed or changed by that fire. I hated to see her in such pain for so long and wondered what she will recall tomorrow. I can hope it would not be like that but, I am also aware, it could be worse and longer lasting.
Joanna
Quote from: Mikaela on April 18, 2017, 10:03:29 PM
Oh, crap...now you're upping the ante... I haven't gone outside the house dressed as a woman since my "awakening". Omg. Well, I guess if I haven't done it by then, I'll just have to go for it. It's possible I may meet someone I know there. Maybe they won't recognize me...lol! Maybe they will. Oh well.
In answer to the two year/1 month factor: For the last two years I have been shifting things in ways that I didn't understand, but now looking back, it was freaking obvious to someone who knows about misgendering. For instance, I've grown my hair quite long, down to mid-shoulder blade length. I have amazing hair for a 56 year old man, and while I started letting it grow on (what I thought) was a lark, I started liking it. A lot. I liked how it felt on my shoulders. I like seeing it in the mirror. I liked combing it. People would ask me about it, and I'd just say that it was something I was doing just because I've never tried it. It's always been real short, usually not much longer than military (Navy military, not Marine). As our poly relationship developed, while my wife and her new partner were still in their "new relationship energy" stage, I encouraged things to shift to where he started supplying her sexual needs, he ended up sharing the master suite (I got my own room), etc, while maintaining a close intimate relationship with her. From time to time we even commented that I was more like a "girlfriend". I had a drawer full of panties that I wore fairly often, that my wife helped me buy. There were lots of other things going on as well, some that I am only now seeing in a new light. Every day there is another "aha" moment. But I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. I struggled with my sexuality. She let me play with a bi man, and once with a gay man. The bi man was great. Intense and primal, and that worked. The gay man left me literally traumatized. It took me several days to recover, and it wasn't anything he did. It just did not work for me. So I'm struggling with the "am I gay", "am I bi", WTF, and even started thinking I was going insane. None of it made any sense to me.
Last month, my wife did an Oracle card reading (kinda like Tarot) for me about my sexuality. The message I got knocked me on my ass. I instantly knew that I got to accept that I was a trans woman. It took a few days for me to process this, and then I shared it with her. It actually didn't go down that easy with her. She processed it for 2 days. Once she had the chance to accept it and to realize it didn't mean the end of our relationship, she fully accepted it, and has been even enthusiastic about it ever since. She let did that wonderful makeover session with me that I told you about and took pictures in our back yard (my profile pic is from that day). She and her other partner (who also fully accepted it) tease me all the time, and we have a lot of fun about it all. Her attitude towards me has shifted, too, in subtle ways. Today I went up to her and kissed her tenderly and played with her breast and she started giggling. I asked her why, and she said "a woman is playing with my breast!" and we both cracked up. I can tell from her energy that she is really holding me in that space now, and I'm loving it.
She told her daughter, who I am also close to, about it, and showed her the pictures (with my permission, of course). Her daughter said "I can see her!". And that's what was magical about the makeover. When I looked in the mirror and first saw a man in makeup and a dress, and then suddenly I crystallized into a woman. That was an incredibly exciting and mind-blowing moment for me...
So, once again, my experiences seem to be pretty relevant to yours. Pretty cool! As for my voice, I've started practicing a little. Also my mannerisms. I watch my wife, and it's the little things the even she is unaware. Watch how a woman reaches down to pick up something on the floor. Then watch how you do it. Women bend over at the waist. Men go out of their way to not do that - they squat. I have tons to learn.
There is a website that has a lot of resources for voice training (that I found out about on this forum). They want you to buy and download the program, but there's a LOT of free stuff to get you started:
http://www.genderlife.com/products-page/ultimate-packages/transsexual-voice-video-download/
Hi Mikaela,
Firstly, your story is amazing. I get you. You are definitely not a gay man. You are a beautiful blossoming woman. You should only choose partners who get that and treat you accordingly.
So not in any order here... I have reached my 15 posts so I can send PM and I will do that. Reaching my 15 posts has been fun and enlightening and I have been replying to different threads.
Ironically, I just got shoes and makeup for the first time so new experiences to talk about. I know I must sound like such a newb to people who have been crossdressing or trans for awhile but these are new experiences for me and I am surprised how amazing it is and just want to share. I mean, I learned how to make my lips look bigger and fuller with lipstick and I just stared at them for hours. Kind of a moment where I was thinking, "maybe I can pass". I just got shoes for the first time also, 5" heels. Probably not the best for a novice but I couldn't take them off for hours either. I never knew how those 5" heels tightened up your leg and butt muscles when you walk, lol, love it. It is fun and I only wish that I could actually experience these firsts with my wife.
I am in a situation where I can experiment right now but it is going to get harder if I try to keep hiding. I have been pretty bold lately buying stuff that I know I won't be able to keep hidden. I mean, if she finds those shoes or makeup, the gig is up. Her knowing about panties has been one thing. 5" pink stilettos (in my size) will be harder to explain. Maybe she will make me try them on like Cinderella... if they fit, I am in trouble, lol. I actually bought a beautiful white lacy long sleeve but short dress and stockings. I haven't received it yet. What the hell am I going to do with that? I have looked at stuff online in the past and even put things in my cart and went through the checkout process only to circle my finger over the "complete purchase" button for a few minutes and then cancel out. The moment I hit the button for real it was like a, "OMG, What have you just done?" moment. Anyway, I am actually excited about getting it and hopefully I will be amazed again but I wonder if I will wind up taking all that stuff to the trashcan.
Truthfully, you are in an amazing place that I think a lot of us (if I can speak for other trans or pre-trans husbands/boyfriends) can only fantasize about. As you are reading in other posts in this thread, I am getting a healthy dose of realities also from others. I think I have to take this slower and just come out strategically and in pieces, showing glimpses and dropping hints and measuring her responses (of course, unless she finds my stilettos, lol). I think we may wind up going to St Pete for that weekend but not necessarily for the festival. I think having that amazing weekend I described is a little optimistic for two months away. It will still be interesting and may generate the topic and discussion and what ifs. I still really hope you go too (you should) but I don't know about meeting there this time. I really do like communicating with you and I want to continue. I just have to go slower. I would love to talk to you about the festival afterward.
So, in other news, I checked out that genderlife site about voice training and also traded posts with Dena about it a little. Interesting stuff. All those different types of voices people try is too funny. Also, I now know the notes on the guitar to bracket both the male and female gender vocal ranges. Imagine that. As far as my voice...sooo hard to sound natural. You mentioned about watching your wife's mannerisms and stuff. I have been trying that and that is also so hard to be natural. I don't want to act and talk like I am a gay man but that's I feel I am coming off. Nothing wrong with that if that's how a guy wants to come off but I like the natural woman mannerisms and voice. I have been noticing alot though and I need practice. Those little things, like bending over, or how I eat, or just keeping my legs closer together takes some extra thought. I need a mentor to critique and remind me. Maybe one day, my wife will mentor me. I can just hear her at the restaurant.."Don't eat like that!", lol.
Ok, just rambling. long-winded as usual. Sitting here watching tv and typing. sorry.
Joanna
Joanna2, check your inbox under "My Messages".
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 21, 2017, 03:25:54 AM
Yes, I have read so much here and, believe me, I apply each persons experiences and life-lessons to how my scenario might play out. Recently, and especially in the last few weeks, I have gone from thinking "I am so ready to do this" to "What the <not allowed> am I thinking?" and back again. I know my story is not new.
I know my wife may very well take the position that everything we have done has been a lie. I almost would expect that. But for that to really be true, it would assume that I was always resolute in who I was and lied about it. I wasn't. I have honest plausible deniability. And actually, I have not totally been hiding anyway. I think she just separates things into just temporary sexual fantasy. I could use many examples of hints and almost outright admissions though but just for example and more recently: I was away for work and and video chatting with her and actually (in the moment) showed her my panties. At the end, she asked me where I got them and I said I bought them here but said they are hard for me to buy and she said she would get me some. She actually sent me some pics while she was shopping for them and I picked the ones I liked. It was a fantasy moment and I even messaged back that I love panty shopping with her. She still didn't ask me about anything and just chalks it up to a small sexual turn-on. I mean, I know that wasn't "coming-out" on my part but if I mentioned all the moments and comments like that, (I think) it should be obvious.
I mean, I think sometimes that I just underestimate her and she knows and that when I do tell her she will say, "of course I know". In that scenario she wouldn't be shocked and appalled but in some ways, THAT scenario is also concerning because maybe it would mean she has already made the conscious choice not to accept or encourage it.
In my fairytale, she would say, of course I know, I have been waiting for you to be ready.
This site has been amazingly informative and therapeutic and it has also been fun sharing comments about shoes and makeup and lingerie shopping and I have joked about stuff and even joked about my wife. But, I do understand the enormity of it and that however that conversation goes, or her reaction, it will be a life changing moment for both... the moment she accepts, or rejects, or as in Makaela's wife's case, withdraws into soul searching limbo for a few days. I understand that that moment will change the remainder of mine, my wife's, and depending upon how it unfolds, many other's lives, and even changes our history. All those events and pictures that were remembered one way will now be revisited and overlayed with this new information.
We once had a fire years ago that destroyed everything we had. It was a very emotional time but it was not all instantaneous. Seemed like everyday and even months later, she would break down recalling another thing that was destroyed or changed by that fire. I hated to see her in such pain for so long and wondered what she will recall tomorrow. I can hope it would not be like that but, I am also aware, it could be worse and longer lasting.
Joanna
You know, this is just a thought but perhaps when you return you could have a conversation with her about what she was thinking when shopping for your panties. Perhaps you can glean some information on her thoughts . Was it a sexual thing for her or something else. It can start as a casual conversation and see where it goes but be somewhat prepared in case it takes a turn somewhere you are not ready for. Just a thought and does that make sense?
Paula
Quote from: PaulaLee on April 21, 2017, 09:40:28 AM
You know, this is just a thought but perhaps when you return you could have a conversation with her about what she was thinking when shopping for your panties. Perhaps you can glean some information on her thoughts . Was it a sexual thing for her or something else. It can start as a casual conversation and see where it goes but be somewhat prepared in case it takes a turn somewhere you are not ready for. Just a thought and does that make sense?
Paula
Paula,
It does make sense. I was certainly trying to get a reaction out of her then. I mean, I wasn't picking white granny panties, she was like "Which ones do you like?", I'm like, "What do you think about those cute little pink ones, would they look good on me?"... "How about these styles?..." "I want those little lacy pink hipsters with the cute little white bows, size 7". LOL. You think I was obvious? I will prod her more about it. Thanks for your help
Joanna
Joanna
Another thing struck me that may help you.
After my wife got over the initial shock of my confession, she was quite supportive for a while. Things were going well and she wanted to participate more so persuaded me to dress in front of her. As I put everything on, her mood gradually changed - it was a bit like rain clouds gathering in a clear sky - and, a few days later, I was given the ultimatum.
The problem, I think, stemmed from the fact that, prior to the fateful dressing session, she'd viewed my CDing as some form of sexual fetish; she'd bought me a couple of items which we'd used in the bedroom and assumed that my collection of clothing would put a drag queen to shame. When the reality hit her - smart dresses, skirts and suits and plain high heeled pumps - she started to realise that this wasn't a fetish but something far deeper. At that point, I think she realised that there was a real risk of seeing the man she married evaporate before her eyes and did not want anything more to happen which would fuel that situation further.
To be clear, I understand her position completely; I wish she could be more tolerant but, equally, if things were the other way round and she was the TG half of the relationship, I know that I would find it very difficult to cope with. At the end of the day, whilst we do not choose to be TG, whatever we do thereafter is a choice and choices, unfortunately, don't always have good consequences.
It struck me that your wife may view the panties incident and, indeed, your 5" stilettos, mini-dress etc. if and when you reveal them to her as a sexual fetish and go along with it to spice up the marriage. Remember that these are not items which the vast majority of women would ever consider wearing at all and only a small minority would wear on a night out! The potential game changer comes when you dress as a real woman would, either for a day at the office or a shopping trip with friends and this is when the reality may kick in with your wife.
I hope things go well for you.
Quote from: aaajjj55 on April 22, 2017, 01:24:26 AM
Joanna
Another thing struck me that may help you.
After my wife got over the initial shock of my confession, she was quite supportive for a while. Things were going well and she wanted to participate more so persuaded me to dress in front of her. As I put everything on, her mood gradually changed - it was a bit like rain clouds gathering in a clear sky - and, a few days later, I was given the ultimatum.
The problem, I think, stemmed from the fact that, prior to the fateful dressing session, she'd viewed my CDing as some form of sexual fetish; she'd bought me a couple of items which we'd used in the bedroom and assumed that my collection of clothing would put a drag queen to shame. When the reality hit her - smart dresses, skirts and suits and plain high heeled pumps - she started to realise that this wasn't a fetish but something far deeper. At that point, I think she realised that there was a real risk of seeing the man she married evaporate before her eyes and did not want anything more to happen which would fuel that situation further.
To be clear, I understand her position completely; I wish she could be more tolerant but, equally, if things were the other way round and she was the TG half of the relationship, I know that I would find it very difficult to cope with. At the end of the day, whilst we do not choose to be TG, whatever we do thereafter is a choice and choices, unfortunately, don't always have good consequences.
It struck me that your wife may view the panties incident and, indeed, your 5" stilettos, mini-dress etc. if and when you reveal them to her as a sexual fetish and go along with it to spice up the marriage. Remember that these are not items which the vast majority of women would ever consider wearing at all and only a small minority would wear on a night out! The potential game changer comes when you dress as a real woman would, either for a day at the office or a shopping trip with friends and this is when the reality may kick in with your wife.
I hope things go well for you.
Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you and thank you for sharing. It is my exact fear that she honestly does not accept me, even part time, even as just a cross-dresser (me and about ten million others). I think the reality for me would probably be more like you describe, that she would give it an honest shot but have a hard time with some of the realities later and say I just can't do it. I can only imagine where that has left your relationship (assuming yous are still together). I am sure it has now made for some awkward times. It is not like it is something you can negotiate like, "Ok, How about just on Sundays?" This whole thread started with me trying to figure out how to get my wife's reaction without taking the leap but it seems like it takes jumping in with both feet to really find out.
Actually, at this rate, I would take just Sundays. Actually as you have implied, it may be best for me to present it and keep it as a sexual fetish in her mind and control myself. She has seen some of that side of me although I have never cross-dressed with her besides panties. Even if it does get to the point of her dressing me and us going out (amazing), I think she could accept that as play much easier than if I started talking dysphoria and transgender. I, like you (assuming), would not follow through given an ultimatum. Of course, if she accepted even that as play, I have to then limit myself to how much and how often I want to "play". I do now wear panties and such most of the time so that would have to be worked out (or I just cheat). I do have a hard time recognizing boundaries or reading her sometimes. Ok, without getting too sexual, I have an example story...
We once went to a "club" where there were a lot of cross-dressers and such. We were not in the states so it was a little different. Those clubs were mixed in with other clubs on the strip so its not like we went out of our way to find a place like that. We were just partying and club hopping. We were partying and playing and dancing with some of "girls" that club and with each other too. But I misread the moment and thought it was all in sexual fun and I made out with an obviously cross-dressed guy. She was mad. Still, I don't know if it was because she looked like a woman or because I knew it was a guy. My defense was actually that I knew it was a guy so I wasn't kissing another girl. Whatever, it didn't work. It went from a really high to a really low moment. Needless to say, we never did that again. Damn, stupid me.
When she tells me she knows me more than anybody in the whole world I know she is referring to moments like that and maybe even insinuating she knows more but even so, based on my track record, I wouldn't bet on reading her reaction.
So, lastly, having considered your comment about basically if the shoe were on the other foot... and I must say also that I would have a hard time accepted my wife as a man. I can't see her that way and although that would seem the perfect answer for me, I don't want it.
ok, long enough,
Joanna
Joanna
I did see your first reply to my last post and was about to reply when it 'disappeared' which was a shame as you made some very good points in there that didn't reappear in the final version. It does look as if your feelings of dysphoria are perhaps a little deeper set than you were describing in the first version - no problem at all with that as, more than anything, it's important that you know yourself and are prepared to question yourself.
This community is a wonderful support, particularly for those of us who have to live our TG life in isolation. However, as many of us start off by looking through the 'before and after' thread, it's very easy to believe that transition is, the answer to all our problems, it's also going to be a walk in the park and we're going to change from an average looking guy into our dream woman. The reality, of course, is almost always very different as the 'significant others' and 'coming out of the closet' threads testify and we then have to find an equilibrium which enables us to live our life. Yes, I may well be lying on my death bed regretting that I didn't pursue the dream but, equally, I may be lying there surrounded by my wife, kids & (hopefully) grandchildren feeling proud. Of course, I may also be lying there looking fabulous thanks to HRT, FFS and GCS! I honestly don't know which (although the 'fabulous' one is the least likely by a long way) and, of course, won't be in a position to report back as one tends to die on one's death bed!
Joking apart, you'll get as many opinions from this community as people giving them and what it's important for you to do is to continue to participate fully in these forums so that you understand yourself fully - where you lie on the TG spectrum, what (if anything) you want to do about it and the maximum price (in terms of what you'd be prepared to give up rather than dollars/pounds/euros) you'd be prepared to pay. As far as your wife is concerned, if you're going to do much more than dream what might have been, she has a right to know. It also mitigates the risk of major fallout if she finds your stash of clothes and other female items.
It's easy to say that, if I had my time over again, I'd do things differently but I'm really not sure that I'd be that sensible. What I would definitely do, though, is package the confession very differently. I did a typically male thing - just blurted everything out assuming she'd be fine with it. What I would have liked to have done is to concentrate more on the struggles of living with GD and the possibility that it was caused by medication my mother may have taken during pregnancy; by gaining her understanding of the situation, she may have been more tolerant of the collateral activities. Instead, it's a subject not ever to be discussed and this, combined with my unwillingness to risk losing everything we have achieved has effectively driven me back into the closet.
From your point of view, the fact that you have at least a couple of giveaway incidents during your marriage will in all probability reduce the probability of any revelations coming as a complete surprise to your wife. Equally, by talking about it before the dysphoria has a chance to take hold may open the door for the two of you to see a therapist jointly and work towards a mutually acceptable solution - at the end of the day 'I'm struggling with my gender and want to do something about it, please will you help me' is far less destructive to a marriage than 'I've been crossdressing for years and have a secret stash of women's clothes, hope you don't mind'.
I hope that you soon find a solution that works for you and please keep us posted!
Quote from: aaajjj55 on April 22, 2017, 10:31:47 AM
Joanna
I did see your first reply to my last post and was about to reply when it 'disappeared' which was a shame as you made some very good points in there that didn't reappear in the final version. It does look as if your feelings of dysphoria are perhaps a little deeper set than you were describing in the first version - no problem at all with that as, more than anything, it's important that you know yourself and are prepared to question yourself.
This community is a wonderful support, particularly for those of us who have to live our TG life in isolation. However, as many of us start off by looking through the 'before and after' thread, it's very easy to believe that transition is, the answer to all our problems, it's also going to be a walk in the park and we're going to change from an average looking guy into our dream woman. The reality, of course, is almost always very different as the 'significant others' and 'coming out of the closet' threads testify and we then have to find an equilibrium which enables us to live our life. Yes, I may well be lying on my death bed regretting that I didn't pursue the dream but, equally, I may be lying there surrounded by my wife, kids & (hopefully) grandchildren feeling proud. Of course, I may also be lying there looking fabulous thanks to HRT, FFS and GCS! I honestly don't know which (although the 'fabulous' one is the least likely by a long way) and, of course, won't be in a position to report back as one tends to die on one's death bed!
Joking apart, you'll get as many opinions from this community as people giving them and what it's important for you to do is to continue to participate fully in these forums so that you understand yourself fully - where you lie on the TG spectrum, what (if anything) you want to do about it and the maximum price (in terms of what you'd be prepared to give up rather than dollars/pounds/euros) you'd be prepared to pay. As far as your wife is concerned, if you're going to do much more than dream what might have been, she has a right to know. It also mitigates the risk of major fallout if she finds your stash of clothes and other female items.
It's easy to say that, if I had my time over again, I'd do things differently but I'm really not sure that I'd be that sensible. What I would definitely do, though, is package the confession very differently. I did a typically male thing - just blurted everything out assuming she'd be fine with it. What I would have liked to have done is to concentrate more on the struggles of living with GD and the possibility that it was caused by medication my mother may have taken during pregnancy; by gaining her understanding of the situation, she may have been more tolerant of the collateral activities. Instead, it's a subject not ever to be discussed and this, combined with my unwillingness to risk losing everything we have achieved has effectively driven me back into the closet.
From your point of view, the fact that you have at least a couple of giveaway incidents during your marriage will in all probability reduce the probability of any revelations coming as a complete surprise to your wife. Equally, by talking about it before the dysphoria has a chance to take hold may open the door for the two of you to see a therapist jointly and work towards a mutually acceptable solution - at the end of the day 'I'm struggling with my gender and want to do something about it, please will you help me' is far less destructive to a marriage than 'I've been crossdressing for years and have a secret stash of women's clothes, hope you don't mind'.
I hope that you soon find a solution that works for you and please keep us posted!
Aah, you saw my first post. Sorry about that. There has been a few of those rewritten or just altogether deleted posts. Especially ones where I commit to something...lol. In that first post I mentioned some posts there that really stand out to me that I have read here, JeannettLW's story and dose of reality, Mikaela's (to me) fantasy moment and actually life, the other one I referred to where the woman describes after coming out and HRT, the feeling, the novelty, the drive, all seemed to dissipate (scary), and your post, of course, which is another memorable dose of reality for me.
SO, I also made the point (commitment) in that first post that if coming out meant all the novelty and sexual part of it was going to wear off like I had read in that other post, than I am not ready to turn in my 5" stilettos for pumps. I don't WANT to lose that excitement about it, that passion, the fantasy. And just the losing of the desire to even be a woman? Doubting everything? I said I am not ready to possibly destroy my life as I know it for something that may be better at the expense of losing both. Like a double or nothing gamble.
I am sorry that things didn't work out for you but at least you know you aren't living a total lie now (and you can't get caught... I guess... unless she said to never dress again, which would be unfortunate). I read on another site, a post by a wife that said she thinks her husband has this sick fetish where he likes to dress as a woman and watches bi-sexual threeway porn with a wife, her cross-dressed husband, and another guy. In that quest for help, she said what can I do, I can't let this continue. I couldn't resist and I replied, "maybe his next wife will". (maybe my shortest reply ever, lol) The point is that it is naive and dangerous for her to assume she has the power to stamp out that nasty fetish and really to assume it is just that. (Maybe she should be grateful there is a wife in the porn video).
I wrote more here but I deleted that too. You know, it is all doubt and over-rationalization. Sometimes I read back and change and delete because it all seems to be bull->-bleeped-<- justification to myself one way or the other. I just read my own stuff sometimes and I am like "Oh, shut the ->-bleeped-<- up"
Joanna
Quote from: Joanna2 on April 23, 2017, 03:39:25 AM
... unless she said to never dress again, which would be unfortunate
That was the ultimatum (well, to be exact, it was 'if you ever bring any more items of female clothing into the house, you're out' but, however it's phrased, the message was clear)!
You can't, at least not easily.
You could try taking her to drag shows or seeing movies like The Birdcage. But eventually you'll have to talk.
First thing is to be fairly confident about what you want for yourself, for her, and for your relationship. Good luck! Most of us still haven't figured that out, or find that we change our minds from month to month.
Then gather your courage and talk to her. Be gentle. Be patient. Be kind. Keep in mind that you're asking her to not only revise her thinking about you, but about herself. Stop frequently and ask what she thinks and how she feels. Tell her how terrified of this conversation and of losing her you are. Tell her that you still love her.
Whatever you do, don't just confront her by suddenly appearing in your best dress and wig. Baby steps! Give her time to find out how she feels. Encourage her to talk about it. She has a lot to consider and adjust to.