Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi,
about 12 months ago i stepped out the shower, and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw was a fit, athletic 46 year old male, and that made me sad to the pit of my stomach. That was the moment I finally admitted to myself that I was in the wrong body. Since then I have started cross-dressing and giving life to the real me all in secret, late at night. Everytime I dress I feel right, sorted, calm and happy. I ache when I have to de-femme, and can think of nothing but transitioning into who I should be. The problem (and I know its not unique) is that I am married (25yrs) and have a 10yo daughter. They are both my whole world, and I adore them with everything I have. I could not lose either of them. So its taken me 12 months of depression and hate for myself to pluck up the courage to tell my wife I am gender dysphoric and I want to pursue change.
To my utter amazement, my wife when I sat down and told her the whole sorry mess, after digesting the bombshell hugged me and said 'dont worry!', 'we will deal with this together", "I love you" and "You can count on me for support"...

That was 2 days ago, and I have been so happy you cannot believe. However, she has not said anything else about my news to me since the night I came out. So tonight, I asked her if she had any thoughts, or questions on what was in the future. She then started by saying that she thinks there out to be some ground rules.  I shuddered a little, but asked her to continue. She then said that as it was early stages, and I was not planning on going full-time any time soon (we had not discussed that?) then there was a whole slew of people that she did not want me to inform, including my daughter, and my parents! and the other significant rule was that I was not to go 'outside' the home en femme.
It seems to have gone from support and be there for you, to hush it up and hope it disappears.
Another complication is that 10 years ago, I had a tumour that caused me to loose my testes. So I have been on testosterone HRT since. From early January (much to my delight) this testosterone therapy has been causing an excess of oestrogen to build up in my body, so I have started developing breasts and hips already. I am loathed to get it sorted, as I want to start female HRT ASAP, and have an appointment booked with the endo very soon (where I suspect I will be refered to some therapy first).
I dont want to loose her (my wife) I love her so much. And my daughter is my life (My wife works, and I work from home, so I have looked after my daughter daily all her life!). I would die if I lost her. I will die if I cant be female.
I am sitting here as Sarah, 3am, crying, desperate, and feeling so alone that I am typing my sad little story in the hope that strangers who may of gone through this before can drop some seeds of wisdom, encouragement or hope into what seems like a black hole.... Sorry cant type anymore..

We are strangers maybe but we are not strange, just like you. We are good people who deal with a very tough issue. We understand how you feel and you are not alone.
Initial reactions are not always what they appear. Your SO is still processing things. Communication is so important. It may take her time to understand what it is you need. It is too early to tell how it will turn out. The good news is that a ten year old is usually very quick to adjust in my experience. I'm hoping you will find a solution that is respectful to all and allows you to be who you are. By the way, I'm Moni. I'll be around. Take care!

I know this may not sound that good but it is a start. You may have to start slow and build your way up to telling more people as your wife become more comfortable as well she may lift the restrictions.

Welcome to Susan's Place. There may need to be rules in place but it sound like it boils down to thou shalt not transition. At this stage of the game you need couples consoling to work out your differences and if your wife will not agree to this, you have a serious decision ahead of you. As for your daughter, she is still young enough to accept this without much of a problem. If you delay, it could get more difficult. I know you feel the urge to move as fast as possible but at this point a small delay may help you win your wife over. Use that time wisely in therapy deciding on a plan that may work for both of you.

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I'm not married or in a serious relationship,but my family is my life. I can tell you from my experience with my family that this is going to take some compromise from both of you. For me I made most of the compromises in the early stages. I have been out to my immediate family for two years and still am not allowed to tell my nieces or nephew or present as female in front of them this is just one example of compromise. I keep telling myself I have had a lot longer to adjust to this then they have and my continued patience will be rewarded. I have been seeing a therapist for about 3 years and she has been extremely helpful just having someone to talk to and share my frustrations with has been a major part of my ability to cope with the challenges of being transgender. I believe communication between you and your wife is going to be the key to getting through this. My mom and I have always had a strong relationship and she has been my strongest supporter though it took time for her to get to that point. I suspect your wife will be your strongest supporter but it will take time for her to get there. Be patient and lean on those of us here at Susan's Place for strength and you'll get through this.

Hugs
ScarletRed



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Thanks all for all the speedy replies and kind words. I guess its kind of raw for both of us.. I was just initially relieved she did not pack and run and then shocked by her support, only now to have it sort of derailed. I had made it clear that this is me, but I think she harbours the thought that it is the hormones I am on, and I will be fixed. I dont think this is something that is fixed, it just seems like this is me? I feel so scr*wed up at the moment...

So many of us have been there, where you are right now. It's tough but hand in there. I'm several months down the road now. My relationship with my wife has changed, some good and some maybe not. You will have to figure out how patient you can be with your wife's acceptance. She may never accept you for who you are inside. On the other hand she may be able to come to terms with what she will feel is the loss of who she thought you were and the complete shift in her world. It will be hard for both of you. Don't loose hope in yourself and your future. It seems so easy for many of us, myself included to put the wants of everyone we care about before our own well being. Also remember you have been there for your daughter her whole life. She will not let go of you anymore than you will let go of her.

Please try to stay strong. Just know we are here for you. Hugs  ;)

Oh, thats lovely, thats done it, I am in floods of tears now..

   I am still with my wife. She says that Moni is the person she really fell in love with, not the male form that I was. I tell you this because there are benefits for a partner who stays with a person who comes to terms with their real self. They then have a happier, more patient, more at peace partner to be with. It can be good for them if they can adjust.
   Try to calm down if you can. It really is a long process to work through things. Don't panic. You are moving forward which is very good. There will be ups and downs. Stay positive.
Moni

  Hi Sarah,

   I'm Jeanette mtf, 64, and a self appointed unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. Welcome to the site Sarah. Come on in and have a seat. I noticed that you have already been officially greeted so  my job is superfluous now. Oh well that's life. (( Hug )) I can at least give you that. I would love to offer you some assurances that everything will be alright. But unfortunately I cannot do that as I cannot foretell the future. If I could I would have been a beautiful young lady by now instead of a 64 yro just beginning to work on becoming the woman I want to be. I do sincerely hope that you and your wife can come to a workable understanding and can remain together. It can happen though the odds are against it. I'm sorry but that is just the way it is.
  There are married ladies here that have managed to stayed married to their loving wives and I applaud their success. So yes there is hope Sarah. Perhaps they will be able to give you words of wisdom that will help both you and your wife.

  Be at ease here Sarah and know you are wanted and welcome here.

  Hugs.
    Jeanette

Sarah, my gf of 18+ years has only known me for trans but was far from supportive when I first considered surgery early in the relationship and then early last year when I decided to proceed with HRT and probably surgery (which will be about 3 days from now!).

I suggest reading Julia Serano, there's a fair amount online and her book Whipping Girl talks a lot about how the rules you describe (and many of the rules that have regulated the medical process of transitioning) exist to protect cis gender people from inconvenience of accepting transitioning, gender variant etc people.

My gf has come around to being supportive and while we don't really know how life will shape up post op, I know she's uncomfortable with any notion of coming out with her family. I'm not able to fully support that because it's clearly transphobic. On the other hand, being practical, I don't pass and I hardly ever see her family anyhow so it may never come up.

Hopefully your wife will come to understand and I can only suggest being assertive. When I decided to transition id already begun hrt before I discussed with her because i wanted to make my decisions about the effects of estrogen without simultaneously dealing with her negative feelings at the same time. When we talked about it, I didn't tell her I'd already started and I'd not been happy about withholding that but knowing that it was what I needed (it only took a week) made it a simpler conversation. Your situation has already obviated that and I'd hazard a guess that your emotional waterworks are due in part to high estrogen levels.

Lastly we're sisters, not strangers :-) and I didn't need any more counselling to begin HRT. I was articulate with the endo that I knew what I needed and she simply proceeded to discussing options.

I'm the wrong person to ask.

I might be a nonbinary partially transmale but I have enough female traits to not allow people to tell me what to do.

There is always a natural workaround that avoids prescription drugs if one know how to google search.

Also, I would just do what I want and say nothing to people who might want to stop me.
I can't even begin to relate to the male tendency to slavishly obey wives.
Yet all the males I know do so.
They have to get permission to do anything, or even to spend their own money. I don't get it.

But men who have enough female traits to be independent often can't maintain successful relationships with women because they DON'T obey them. These are the movie stars, directors, and other talented men who are usually androgynous, so lead independent lives until their wives kick them out.

Quote from: Raell on April 23, 2017, 02:59:49 AM
Also, I would just do what I want and say nothing to people who might want to stop me.
I can't even begin to relate to the male tendency to slavishly obey wives.
Yet all the males I know do so.
They have to get permission to do anything, or even to spend their own money. I don't get it.

But men who have enough female traits to be independent often can't maintain successful relationships with women because they DON'T obey them. These are the movie stars, directors, and other talented men who are usually androgynous, so lead independent lives until their wives kick them out.

I explain it this way Testosteron(e) starts with an T and another german word also starts with T - Trottel, it means idiot.

I think it's the cause for a lot of erratic behavior of men.

https://youtu.be/443oJv_s6JA

Case closed [emoji6]

So I second your statement (partly).
Normally I try to not generalize but I fear you are right in regards to a lot of relationships.

LOL Thessa.

True. I should know, since I'm nonbinary, with a strong male side (sigh).
Luckily, when I make a blundering typical male mistake, I forget about it the next minute.

Any start is a start and that is always a good thing.

Do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten.

If not happy with life you change it by doing something different and that you've done so congrats :)

Your wife hasn't left yet and that's a good thing too. I stress the yet as a lot is going to change for both of you and no matter how good your intentions may be it's early days so nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Even after I got back from surgery there were no guarantees and that was after being together for 17 years with me being me for 26 months by then.

Personally I was lucky in so far as I didn't have girl and boy modes. As soon as I was Jerrica I just was. Changes to my mind and body were gradual and open as we're my clothing choices. I did keep my old name for a year but I don't feel that affected who I was. To the contrary it gave my wife, kids and everyone the opportunity to really get to know me before giving them my name as the last piece of the puzzle instead of the first. By the time I dropped the T bomb on the world there were no significant changes to come making it pretty noneventful.

Your wife's caution and rules proposal I would hope is intended for the protection of all of you but is not without hope. I would suggest it be viewed as sandboxing giving you both a safe place to play before doing anything real.

We had a similar arrangement of sorts but the bleed effect took care of it. I'd test things in the house for my own comfort and confidence before using them outside. Even my new dress made her uncomfortable yesterday when I arrived home but after a min or 2 she got used to it.

Both still learning and will be for a while yet but we're still together.

Best of luck for things working out well for you.

If it helps get your pirate hat on "not so much rules they're more like guidelines" ;)

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Hi Sarah. I've always thought the scariest part is starting that first "coming out" conversation, so you've already gotten past that! I think it's a good sign your wife seems willing to work with you, though it's unfortunate she's putting "rules" in place to apparently cover things up. As others have said, with time and communication she could come around, and I'd think your daughter would be able to understand it all and accept it as well. I'm sorry I'm not as experienced in relationships or transitioning as others and I wish I could offer more advice, but do stay strong and stick to your guns. Don't let someone else's discomfort force you back in the closet. You've started your journey and you can finish it.

I'm overwhelmed with the support and advice you all offer. Thank you very much - it is really helping.
After posting the above I went and woke my wife. We talked again, in detail, about what was happening and what could/should happen.
She is just trying to protect us as a family - that is clear now, it wasn't before. I understand her fears a little more, and she understands mine. I mean, really, no-one would even attempt to go through this if we had a choice.
We both 'unloaded' what was going on in our brains, we are really strong together and we can work through anything.
We met when we were both 19, this was both of ours first real relationship. Now 28 years on we are still very strong and this morning after our chat and tears we just got closer than we ever have been. I'm rambling and emotional, sorry.
I know we've got a long way to go, but we have promised to talk and be open going forward - warts and all!
Thanks again for all your support. I dont think I will stray far from these forums for a bit :-)

That's awesome!!! I look forward to hearing how things go for you. My girlfriend is also my first real relationship; I hope we have as many years together as you and your wife do.

Quote from: SuperSarah on April 23, 2017, 04:43:14 AM
I'm overwhelmed with the support and advice you all offer. Thank you very much - it is really helping.
After posting the above I went and woke my wife. We talked again, in detail, about what was happening and what could/should happen.
She is just trying to protect us as a family - that is clear now, it wasn't before. I understand her fears a little more, and she understands mine. I mean, really, no-one would even attempt to go through this if we had a choice.
We both 'unloaded' what was going on in our brains, we are really strong together and we can work through anything.
We met when we were both 19, this was both of ours first real relationship. Now 28 years on we are still very strong and this morning after our chat and tears we just got closer than we ever have been. I'm rambling and emotional, sorry.
I know we've got a long way to go, but we have promised to talk and be open going forward - warts and all!
Thanks again for all your support. I dont think I will stray far from these forums for a bit :-)

Hi, Sarah.

It sounds like the two of you have what it takes: you are communicating your fears and hopes.  Yay for you both as a couple!

I am 62 years old.  I came out to my wife less than a year ago.  I started hormones three months ago, and started living full-time as a woman this week.  And my wife is staying with me.

You will make it!  Listen to the good folks here.  There is much wisdom on this forum.

Quote from: SuperSarah on April 23, 2017, 04:43:14 AM
I'm overwhelmed with the support and advice you all offer. Thank you very much - it is really helping.
After posting the above I went and woke my wife. We talked again, in detail, about what was happening and what could/should happen.
She is just trying to protect us as a family - that is clear now, it wasn't before. I understand her fears a little more, and she understands mine. I mean, really, no-one would even attempt to go through this if we had a choice.
We both 'unloaded' what was going on in our brains, we are really strong together and we can work through anything.
We met when we were both 19, this was both of ours first real relationship. Now 28 years on we are still very strong and this morning after our chat and tears we just got closer than we ever have been. I'm rambling and emotional, sorry.
I know we've got a long way to go, but we have promised to talk and be open going forward - warts and all!
Thanks again for all your support. I dont think I will stray far from these forums for a bit :-)

That's Super, Sarah! (Sorry I had to go there. :) ) Sounds like you have communication and mutual respect. That is key. At the risk of barraging you with feedback here, I will offer a piece of advice. If you do decide to 'express', I would be mindful of the first visuals for your family. I once saw a video of someone who was meeting in-laws as their true self for the first time. They came out 'dressed to the nines.' It was a visual shock. I had 2 1/2 grown sons in my house when I started. I was very subtle and respectful of their feelings. It was a gradual process which is really not over yet. I say this not because you don't have a right to dress as you want, but because we don't live in a vacuum and others  are emotionally affected. Anyway, welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is being trans. A lot of ups and downs, but the pay off can be wonderful. You may have fear as your constant companion for a while. Remember it is the enemy, don't let it beat you. Good luck. I am happy for you, Hon. Did I mention the pay off can be fantastic?
Moni

You told your wife. She didn't bolt and run. The Earth did not open up and swallow you. A bolt of lightning didn't turn you into a pile of ashes. The meteorite missed you. And now your wife is processing all this, probably recalling the tons of shows about TG's, perhaps researching on line, or just knows someway, the trend.
A - Come out to wife
B - Come out to rest of world
C - Start presenting as female
D - HRT
E - GCS

My wife knew from about day 1, some almost 40 years ago, I had gender issues which included 2 failed transition experiments. I settled on being "Just a CD" At 6ft tall, balding since 12, big everything, it was more the reality. Especially back in the late 70's and 80's. Never the less when I dropped the T-Bomb on her 8 years ago she was in shock and one of her first questions was how soon for GCS.

The first year or so were filled lots of often difficult and emotion filled discussions of where I am and a totally unknown future for us both. My GD has never been to the point of overwhelming for any length of time. Just always there, running in the background, sometimes bubbling up to the point of near desperation.

Over the decades just cross-dressing was enough to manage it. Usually once a month I needed that total escape from maleness for the day. In the beginning my wife would spend the day out with friends or whatever. After about 6 years she started staying home after first asking if I was OK with it.

Most of us have spent a lifetime barely getting a handle on our GD. An SO has had mere milli-seconds in comparison. Right now she is still trying to get  handle on future with your marriage now complete redefined. Not exactly the sort of shared future she was looking forward to.

You say now things are sort of "Derailed". To me that sort of implies, in your mind at least, it was/is "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". Perhaps even on the teary night when you dropped the T-Bomb you told her that you want or need to next do B, C and D soon.

I felt since the age of 4 or so I should have been or wanted to be born a girl. I never much cared for my body, especially since it betrayed me even as a males. I still had to make do with what I had to work with. Somehow I managed to have a totally amazing woman fall in love with me. Somehow in spite of my negative self-image I've had a remarkable career which includes a remarkable level of admiration for my abilities. There are many facets, or other aspects of who I am as a person that go beyond gender and gender presentation.

My level of GD, for the most part, does not rise above the importance of all the other aspects of my life, of all the things that also define me. I came to the point of needing to take the Trans-Beast on for real 8 years ago when I lost pretty much most of the things I defined myself by. I lost them because of how I was Not handling being trans. Today (OK the past few weeks are an exception) I am reaping the benefits of putting in all the hard work needed to heal the emotional scars acquired over a lifetime of not dealing with being trans.

Marriage is a partnership that had an implied contract, if not a real one, going into it. Dropping the T-Bomb is pretty much the equivalent of kicking over the table with the Monopoly board. Often times we want to have our cake and eat it to. We want our little corner of the world to never change, our marriage, our careers, our relationship with our kids, parents, siblings, and others. All while we ourselves change from one gender to another. Unfortunately, there are other people around us whose life's are greatly affected by our decisions and actions. If you care about those people, compromises are often needed from all parties. Which also includes compromising with yourself. Usually starting with trying to sort out simple Wants from true Needs. No easy task. As much as I thought I knew about everything about being trans, I was still in shock for days after my first ever TG Support group meeting. By the end of my third meeting, still feeling in shock afterwards, during the drive home I knew it almost too late to tell my wife what was going on. In essence dropping the T-Bomb. Escalating from being just a CD and kicking over the table.

Today we are still together. Perhaps more in love then ever before. She sees me as a far more better person having grown emotionally and spiritually into a self actualized person. She also mourns the loss of her husband though I still live, work, and present primarily as male. We still have a future that is totally unknown, a shared one unknown and impossible to even try to define with all that is going on in our lives. We both work at and compromise to keep what is truly important and satisfying of our needs. As is often the case with life, you don't always get what you want.

Right now, you and your wife need to have a lot of often difficult honest and open emotionally charged discussions about wants, needs and a totally unknown shared future. A big hint I can give is listen to the message, not to the words. During these talks the "Filters" are often off or things are said just to hurt so you feel some of the others pain.

Time is your friend

Quote from: Thessa on April 23, 2017, 03:13:12 AM

I explain it this way Testosteron(e) starts with an T and another german word also starts with T - Trottel, it means idiot.

I think it's the cause for a lot of erratic behavior of men.

https://youtu.be/443oJv_s6JA

Case closed [emoji6]

So I second your statement (partly).
Normally I try to not generalize but I fear you are right in regards to a lot of relationships.

Rather it's the gatekeeping that women do regards family and sex. If a man wants those things in this society, he tends to have to appease a woman, doesn't he? He can't just take those things.

But I'm in agreement that people in general who want these things so badly as to become an unhappy slave for them are fools. I would always look after #1. And then I'd be called something else other than an idiot, but it's much better to be selfish and be in charge of your own affairs than not.

It's rather telling that no matter what a man does, whether he is keeping himself or a woman happy, he is always an "idiot" of some kind. Whether it's wives talking about how dim their husbands are to feminists complaining about the MGTOW. "Men are gullible, and women are never satisfied."

Many of us know just how powerful hormones and the  surgeries that affects them are. They are mind and life altering. After reading your post and it's difficult to look past the the issues you mentioned regarding your current endocrine system and feel like your wife, of 25 years, has a legitimate concern about the medical issues. I think any therapist or MD would tell you the same from a baseline perspective. You certainly don't want to be compromised by hormone issues when making these decisions. That would be a disaster for everyone involved. I'm certainly not doubting your position or feelings, but since you are communicating to you wife, getting all of that inline would clear the way for a better relationship moving forward.

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Well, its nearly 24 hours after my first post, and 3 days after telling my wife for the first time how I feel/what I am coping with. I cannot tell you how much all of your input has helped, especially Moni, kk and Jerrica - You have my love.
Me and my wife are in a bit better place. We've talked again, about loads of things in our lives, not just this. I thought we were close before but now there is another level of openess. I have no lies to hide and feel more comfortable, she is willing to try and understand. I dont think I could expect anything more.
EmmaLoo made a good point, same one made by my wife, about my endocrine state. The tumour I had destroyed my endocrine system completely - I supplement it all with drugs, injections and patches. I have a really close connection with the hospital and the endocrine unit. The oestrogen in my body is high enough to create physical changes, these are obvious changes to both of us, not my imagination or hoping or anything, and so, my first point of call needs to try and get these levelled and sorted so I can determine exactly what my inner self really is. Its a weird mixed up almost schizophrenic series of emotions that I am going through and sorting that needs to be priority. Most people would come to their conclusion before HRT, I sort of need to give myself that chance.
I sort of snowballed into this forum in a time of real pain, I was accepted and given a love and warmth I could only dream of. I hope in future I can be of some help too any of you too. Thanks Sarahxx

It is true that you should probably restore your hormone levels to their previous position to be able to make the decision as you were. Hormones are powerful and can have a strong influence on the mind (or at least on mine hence I'd rather be shot with gun instead of a syringe full of T  ;) ). Much the same as making big decisions while sober it would be considered prudent to make life changing decisions of this level without the possibility of being affected by external influences. Also prevents others from rubbishing your decision no the basis of your hormones begin out of whack.

Ultimately you have been given a wonderful opportunity to look into 2 worlds and know both are open to you.
Your wife remains open to all possibilities showing the depth and strength of your relationship on a whole new level.

In the end the decision is yours as it should be and regardless of your ultimate choice I believe you and your marriage will be all the better from it.

Best of wishes to you both.

Thanks Jerrica,
Very true, I have endo appointment for Tuesday next week so we will see what he says.
I also agree about those T injections. I have been on them for 10 years, and the level that is deemed 'normal' for a cis-male is IMHO too high for me. The problem is I never had a level done prior to the brain tumour so no-one knows what is normal for me.
It is a well known side-effect of T-injections that they can cause increased oestrogen, however, it seems most mens response is negative to those changes, where as mine is totally opposite. I cannot find any reference to oestrogen in males causing Gender dysphoria? Apart from some closeted dressing up in my moms things when I went through puberty I have never really had any feelings like this before 12 months ago. I did once have a frank conversation with a lesbian friend of mine (about 15years ago) where she questioned my sexuality, and I know I responded with 'I am a lesbian too' it was a sort of joke on me as I have never been a beer swilling, football mad lad of the lads, in-fact I really dont like men much at all - pretty much all my close friends are female. So I dont know is that repression, strict religious upbringing doesn't help (that I totally rejected when adult). And there is an evil bit of me that is just dying to tell my parents that I am trans, it will blow their brains out! They are the most homophobic people I have met so far, and I know they will explode. I dont fear them, never have, in fact I know I will find it funny and finally they will have a reason not to contact us. (yeh!)
I fear (yes I think fear is the right word) that it has woken a sleeping dragon within me, allowed me to see who I really should be. Either way, as you said, I have a fantastic insight into both worlds, and that makes me stronger an more able to make the choice. I need to take something for the rest of my life, at the moment I am fully open to follow what-ever path seems the best, and I am pretty sure I have a supportive partner. This has already bought us closer than I ever could imagine, if nothing else I know how much she loves me, and I hope she knows that it is reciprocated fully.

Hi Sarah,
   It is so good to hear of your spouse's reaction. I am happy for you. As far as this only coming on you recently, I wouldn't let that bother you. I have a friend who was 'awakened' to her feelings at close to 60 years of age. She is just as much transgender as I am. (At about 4 or 5, I would put myself to sleep thinking about being female.) I think that trans feelings can be hidden from our view for a long time. If I go by my experience and others I have talked to, I would say trans feelings never go away and frequently increase with age.
   I think you will find patterns that happen with trans folks, but everyone has there own unique story. Sometimes people get caught up in doubts because they don't fit the stereotypical trans history. 'I didn't do this', or 'I wasn't interested in that.' For example, I like sports and played with army men when I was a kid. It means nothing.
   I hope you will update us on the brain blowing when you tell your folks. You do seem to have such glee when you talk about it. :)
Moni
I am glad you are in a much better place now from when you first posted. This place is full of folks who understand and are happy to share. Glad you are here.