I was watching the CBBC documentary "I am Leo" about a 13 year old trans boy explaining his life as a boy and getting his passport changed to male, and I weirdly started crying because his mum talked about him starting to say that he was a boy at 5/6 and she took it seriously and such and she let him live a totally boys life. I was just like that when I was 5/6. Basically as soon as I hit school. But I was basically just laughable because my mum made me always wear skirts to school, and feminine clothes on non-uniform day instead of the teenage mutant ninja turtles etc t-shirts I wore the rest of the time.
Usually I get very defensive about people saying if a kid tells you they're a boy to just let them socially transition, because i did stop saying I was a boy all the time when I moved schools and ended up having to socialise with the girls, and most of the time I feel like I am fine. Puberty was okay I never paid attention to it, I was very much never in the habit of looking in mirrors because I had always thought it was jarring when I was young and I was trying to tell people I was a boy, and I didn't really think about what I looked like as a teenager because no-one liked me anyway and I just wanted to blend into the background really. I barely noticed it besides from the nagging feeling that I should buy a new bra that I ignored for far too long and the problem that I sometimes couldn't eat during my period cos it made me nauseous for a while. No "this is wrong!" feeling. So I've always been a bit like... if I wanted to be a boy and now I couldn't care less, obviously thats normal and why would you encourage a kid to transition?
But then I was watching this documentary and I almost cried because I wish my boy life I wanted as a kid had been real. I've also been thinking recently about how my dad died when I was 5 and how we used to play football together and I could play around with stupid boy games with him and I wish I could've been a daddy's girl. I was an only child and I prefered playing with him. He was gonna retire early as well. I'm crying again, which is weird becuase I haven't cried about him since I was a little kid.
Last year I started letting myself dress overtly masculine and I like that but I don't think that has to mean anything? It didn't mean anything to me other than I was starting to feel free to do these things. And I thought I looked great. And I still do. Occasionally I do think I look sorta comical tho and although I now look in the mirror when I get ready, I don't like catching myself in reflective surfaces it reminds me of that feeling I mentioned earlier as a kid. There was a point last year where I was desperate to cut my hair short (tho I actually loved my curly hair as a little kid) like so desperate, but now I just think it'd make me look like a dyke and thats it. It would make me look more silly.
Anyway, basically, most of the time I'm fine, then I suddenly have found myself crying over this documentary. I'm not sure how I'd even like being male though, and theres times I totally like my body. So I dunno if I'm just generally still in this weird little phase of not understanding myself and feeling very overwhelmed by life or what but I cried while watching this documentary and I needed to talk about it. It made me feel like I want to go back to when I was a little kid and have been more persistent and see what happened.