Hi! I recently found this website a few weeks ago and have been lurking around since. I finally decided to make a profile and I'm so excited to join such a wonderful group of men and women :D
So my name is Rain, I'm 19, MtF, and pre-everything. My whole life I've always felt out of place from my body, and kind of disconnected from other men. From my earliest memory's I can always remember feeling jumbled inside, like not everything sat where it was supposed to, but I didn't realize why until I hit puberty. When most young boys begin going through those changes, they'll typically see girls in a new light. I did too. Yes, they were attractive and there were new sexual feelings I never experienced before, but more than anything, I just wanted one, it was an almost over-powering desire and I would lose hours each day day-dreaming about what my life would be like as a girl, not just being able to be apart of "female-only" activities -I always wanted to be a cheerleader- but the other smaller things too. I want to grow out my hair so bad, to learn the differences ways to braid it, style it, care for it. I want be able to do my make up. I want to be able to wear dresses. I want the entire female experience. I was so young at the time, probably about 10 or 11; I eventually just dismissed the whole idea as preposterous and mindless fantasy and buried the feelings deep down in my psyche.
Freshman year of high school is when the depression and suicide ideation hit like a train. I didn't even really know why at the time and while its never just one thing to throw into that downward spiral of depression, gender dysphoria was the catalyst for mine. I would cry myself to sleep each night, if my pillow was dry by the time I woke up the next morning... That was a good night. Some nights I would sleep in my closet of even my attic because I didn't even feel like I deserved a bed. I grew up in a religious household, and my nightly prayer turned from an "Our Father" into a cry for mercy. The mercy I had in mind though, wasn't to help me overcome this self-hatred, that was inescapable, I prayed that God would let me die naturally. A car crash, a snapped elevator cable, some freak accident that would end my life without me having to commit suicide because I was too much of a coward to do it myself. Eventually, however I learned to live with myself, and my life began to turn around.
I've never wanted to be the guy in relationships, in fact, the masculine role always felt at ends with how my instincts wanted to act. I want to be the one who was held, I want to be the shoulder the hand hovers over on that awkward first date. This created a tension in all my past relationships, with neither party really being able to fulfill what the other wanted, the relationships were fine, and all the girls I've dated are wonderful women, but tensions always grew and eventually we'd split. The break ups were rarely ever angry or distasteful, I'm friends with the majority of my exes to this day, but we never worked as a couple.
The past few weeks have been a time of awakening for me, more or less honestly. My dysphoria, after my period of depression, all but seemed to disappear, but of course that's not ever what happens. It continued to manifest itself as a parasite on my confidence and motivation, like a flame in fog or mist, never quite extinguishing the flame, but still suffocating it and dampening it. And now I'm starting to realize exactly what's been going on in my head for the past 19 years. It was very scary at first, and honestly it still is. There is much fight left to fight and the next few years are surely going to be the most challenging and demanding I've ever had, but in this moment I am ecstatic, because I can finally be honest with myself about something that's haunted me my entire life.
Now enough about my struggles, I want to tell you about who I actually am as a person. I'm an artist at heart, and primarily a musician and actor. I've done theatre all my life, I've done musicals - my favorites are 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and Hamilton - but straight plays and children's theatre always was, and probably will be, my main focus. My favorite role was playing Fleshlumpeater from the BFG or Brer Gator from Brer Rabbit. I've played guitar since I was 10 and am currently in a small "band" called Smokey and The Bears which is pretty much just an excuse for me and my buddies to jam out and write music together. I also write, short and stories and one-act plays, and make glitch art which, if you don't know what it is look it up because it is super cool.
Sorry about the wall of text, sometimes there's just so much more to say than you intended :P
Hi Rain :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Hi Rain
I'm Laura or Jeanette something like that. Hi and welcome to Susan's Place. Stick around and take part in the discussions. Post something or just kick back and read.
Hugs,
Laura, Jeanette or someone else