So after ages of trying to find one while going through therapy, I finally found an endocrinologist who takes my insurance who I can go see. And turns out she doesn't even need a letter from my therapist, so after telling my therapist such, I called and finally made my first appointment for a week from now, and at the time I couldn't be happier, I'm finally so close to starting HRT and I can't wait!
Then today happens and just about destroys all the joy I was feeling, as despite claiming support all this time, besides a few negative remarks, today I learn they're all completely against it and have basically just been placating me the whole time because they never believed I would actually do anything I guess.
My dad for his part is constant in his cost and insurance worries, which I always knew he felt, just not this strongly.
But now I learn he's been talking with my mother behind my back this whole time about how none of them want me to do this.
My sister earlier this week told me when I excitedly told her about my first endo appointment, that she doesn't want me to do it, that she doesn't want a sister, she wants her brother, and that my mom feels the same way. And she tries to get me to promise if the hormones don't make me feel better right away that I'll stop taking them.
So I'm telling my dad this tonight after we returned from dropping my sister off at our mothers, that she said this. And that's when he says he doesn't want me doing it either.
And that apparently my mom earlier this week told my grandmother she feels sick about the whole thing, like telling me that is proof of how much she loves me and not something that completely crushes me.
And how my dad has wanted to say something to me all week, but wanted to wait to do it with my mom, and I still don't know what that will entail, so I still have that coming up.
My mom is forcing her way into my next therapist appointment because she wants to hear from my therapist if she really believes this is something I need.
And then my mom apparently wants to get the name of the meds my aunt takes for her tremors, which I have as well, because she believes if I no longer suffer from the tremors then I'll feel comfortable with myself and realize I don't want this.
I don't know what I'm going to do here, the very thought of spending my life as I am now is to unbearable to even think about, I'd honestly rather die. But I'm not a strong willed person, I never have been, if they end up saying no they don't want me to do this I'm not going to be able to fight them on it...I'm just going to nod and say okay and go back to suffering every moment of the day like I did for almost a year before coming out...
It's not like this isn't all still terrifying for me at times despite how much I'm looking forward to starting. Why do they have to go and lump on extreme depression over sudden lack of support onto my already full plate. They don't want me to feel better, they want me to be what they want me to be. Even whenever I say something I've realized has to do with my gender dysphoria they brush it away as not, I never noticed how much they did that till now..
How old are you?
Do you have to have parental permission to get treatment?
You can google the nearest LGBTQ center and either go there in person, or click links on their website to find information and support.
If you are old enough, and have your own money sources, you are under no obligation to tell family members about your private life and medical decisions.
Read what follows at your own peril. I know nothing of such things.
What comes through in your message is that your family loves you, and loves you as you are now. That shouldn't be dismissed or ignored. Many would envy you for that.
Secondly, I don't get the sense from their comments that they are aware of the turmoil inside of you. It could be that you need to be more forthcoming and share the struggles you are having. They also are on a learning curve and need to be brought along in the process if indeed you need/want them to be on board.
I don't know exactly the disappointment/frustration you are experiencing at this moment, but the course of action you are contemplating is a momentous one of life-altering proportions. Take your time. Be sure your therapist and your endocrinologist are on the same page with the script. Educate your family. Would it be such a bad thing if your mother joined you for a therapy session? Might that not get the ball rolling in the right direction?
I hope I have provided a few crumbs for you to nibble on. Obviously, I don't have answers. I only wrote to express my concern for you and your situation. I wish you all the best.
I too had a family and brother and sister that did not want this for me. The thing is you have to do what is right for you. You can't control how they feel and less not do what makes you happy because they are uncomfortable. The question if none of them where in the picture to influence the thoughts would you then transition? It is going to be an adjustment for them but they will get used to it and learn to love the new you. My mom also wanted to know nothing and in the end she is happy for me and embraces her new daughter. My dad well he is starting to accept it in a way but it takes time. It is normally the gender that you where related to before transition that takes it the hardest.
No one is going to want this for you believe me. They can only see their loss at this stage. Not your turmoil.
They love you, human nature is to resist change though, I'd call the therapist and let them know what's going on so they can prepare some convincing, this isn't something that'll just go away if you ignore it, it just slowly gets worse.
Thanks for the replies everyone.
I think what hurts the most about all this is how all of a sudden it's like they don't think I'm competent enough to know this about myself.
I mean my dad last night read me this article about this woman who believed she was ftm, but found out she had aspergers and the ftm feelings went away.
But that doesn't apply to me, for one I've known I've had aspergers since I was a kid. For two, if he'd actually read up on what he's talking about, he'd see aspergers only effects women in that way, not men. (blurgh, hate calling myself that)
And with my mom and her thing on if I stop shaking I'll be fine with myself and not need this bull, the worst thing about finding out she thinks that is because back when I first came out to her she was telling me how proud she was of me for figuring that out about myself, how now I can finally move forward in my life and all that. So what, was she just lying then? I dunno..
Quote from: Reyes on May 02, 2017, 11:33:36 AM
Thanks for the replies everyone.
I mean my dad last night read me this article about this woman who believed she was ftm, but found out she had aspergers and the ftm feelings went away.
But that doesn't apply to me, for one I've known I've had aspergers since I was a kid. For two, if he'd actually read up on what he's talking about, he'd see aspergers only effects women in that way, not men. (blurgh, hate calling myself that)
Phew.. That is a relief... I got ASD too and I was having family trying to get me to think that it was due to that...
There are many wiki links above on advising parents. You might want to go through them to formulate a strategy.
An open letter to parents of transsexual children
An open letter to the parents of transsexual children No. 2
My son, my daughter
Transsexualism - Information for the family
Telling your parents
Telling your parents - Part II
and More...
Good luck Reyes Keep your chin up.
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on May 02, 2017, 11:43:26 AM
Phew.. That is a relief... I got ASD too and I was having family trying to get me to think that it was due to that...
A relief that you're not the only one who's family tried that??
Oh, also, and this is to the whole thread, growing up as a kid I never had any signs of being transgender, and as a teen all there was was I was more comfortable on forums and video games as a woman. Plus after one game I would wish from time to time I could change genders. But I never gave it much thought, and until november of 2015 I never once considered I might be trans.
My parents are also jumping on my lack of femininity, and my unwillingness to keep up my appearance or clean my room as other excuses I can't be. I tell them it's cause I don't like how I look no matter what so I don't bother but they don't so much so listen.
Quote from: Reyes on May 02, 2017, 03:20:43 PM
A relief that you're not the only one who's family tried that??
Oh, also, and this is to the whole thread, growing up as a kid I never had any signs of being transgender, and as a teen all there was was I was more comfortable on forums and video games as a woman. Plus after one game I would wish from time to time I could change genders. But I never gave it much thought, and until november of 2015 I never once considered I might be trans.
My parents are also jumping on my lack of femininity, and my unwillingness to keep up my appearance or clean my room as other excuses I can't be. I tell them it's cause I don't like how I look no matter what so I don't bother but they don't so much so listen.
By and large, i also had to deal with the same thing... I was accused of not being feminine enough, tho with them it also had to do with not shocking them from going from very masculine to being a feminie flower. Plus the nit picky things ''You dont walk like a girl'' ''you dont talk like a girl''... so after awhile i kinda left some of the more stubborn ones behind for well over half a year and just stayed in my part of the city and made new friends and a new social circle. Where my femininity could shine more and more :)