Let me say at the outset that I love my wife and like being married. We have a good life and two great kids. However, over time I have found my 'maleness' disappearing more and more and Christine starting to take over. I find myself unmotivated by some things like sex for example. My wife knows about my dressing but not about the extent to which the urge is taking over. How much do others make an effort to maintain a veneer of maleness for the sake of their relationships? I feel soon I could be putting on a bit of act.
Christine
I haven't a clue how it would work for you, but a number of MtF people on this forum have managed it.
I may have to figure it out for myself, though.
My ex is talking about transitioning to nonbinary female and getting back together with me.
I'm a nonbinary partial transmale, so maybe it could work, but these things are so subjective.
I'm not sure maintaining a veneer solves the problem. At best it postpones an honest discussion, and at worst it may cause harm to the relationship. Maybe it would be worth considering to work with a counselor to help talk things through.
First let me say that we are all different and our wives are different, so what I do may not be what is best for your situation. If you have a therapist, it is best to talk this out with her, as I do.
I have a similar situation. After 31 years of marriage, I just came to the realization less than a year ago that I am TG. For the most part I had repressed my true gender identity and consequently had life long depression. I had always had an urge to crossdress, but had no idea why ~ wore my mother's lingerie in secret for years, wore panties and pantyhose when away at conferences and at home when my wife was out. CD always made me ashamed and depressed. Now, my wife is overjoyed that my depression is gone and that we are good friends. The depression was going to destroy my marriage.
She is trying to accept my extreme need to crossdress. Sometimes she is accepting and sometimes she is definitely not.. That is to be expected since sometimes I accept myself and sometimes not. This is a huge thing. She is trying, though. For a while, she knew I was wearing lace panties under my pants, but I didn't show her or tell her. Now, I can wear them in front of her. She also went out to buy me women's leggings for yoga and gave me a women's tee that didn't fit well on her. I also wear women's leggings to bed. So communication is most important. For me, if I had to continue to be secretive it would be bad for my head. I was becoming depressed again from feeling ashamed about doing things in secret. My wife knows it probably won't stop with just lace panties. She is right. I want to go out shopping for a bra, makeup, a dress to wear at home, high heels, etc. I have to accept myself, but I also have to accept that in doing that I may destroy my marriage if she can't handle it all. It is a very difficult spot and conflict to be in.
I'm in a similar situation. I'm going on 34 years of a happy marriage. Transitioning has been a gradual process that began three years ago. First, I began wearing women's underwear. It was exhilerating. This progressed to wearing angdrogenous women's clothing like shoes, pants, leggings, sports wear, panty hose, jewelry and leggings. Very satisfying. They fit me better than men's clothing, and they're more comfortable. I've started painting by toenails, and most recently had both ears pierced. She accepts me wearing panties, painting my toenails and wearing "men's" earrings, though her initial reponse was not positive. I still keep a pretty low profile at the office, but the earrings stay in.
She asked me if I was "turning gay." Of course, we all know you don't "turn" gay. We're born this way. I replied that I'm attracted to women, which is true, although it's more envy than sexual attraction. I'm asexual, which works because her libido has been non-existent for more than 10 years due to a health condition. I admitted to her that I've always been a "girl" at heart. She's fine with that. I'm comfortable with where I am, and I don't know if I'll ever fully "come out."
I have what I call "girl's morning out" where I put on makeup and more feminine clothing and jewelry to go to the grocery store or shopping on weekends before she gets up - she's a late sleeper. One more reason to look forward to the weekend. It's satisfying when I'm referred to as "her" or "ma'am." I have feminine features, and it's easy for me to remove body hair because mine is more like a female, sparce and fine. I'm a runner and have great legs, so I'm told by other women who've expressed their envy. ;) I looked like a girl growing up and was kidded about it by everybody, even family. My highschool baseball teammates affectionately gave me the nickname "Tammie", which I didn't mind.
I've always been feminine from an emotional standpoint. Right now I'm having a lot of fun and feel much better admitting to myself that this is who I am and who I have always been. I guess we all have our comfort zone. It's been very liberating. I know this is more than you asked for, and I apologize to everyone for this long response, but this is an important topic near to my heart and needs to be shared among us. I have a happy marriage, and I wish you the best in your marriage.
A "veneer of maleness" or as I call it "the Hollywood facade". Been there and done it for some 40 plus years as it ate my soul and all joy of life out of me. I became the living extension of it. My only purpose in life was "Doing what was expected".
In hindsight, I can't recommend it.
Only you know the depth of your GD and how much "Christine is taking over". You are someplace in the spectrum between cis-male and cis-female. Because you are not pegged against the "Male" end stop does not necessarily imply you must go to the other extreme end.
You need to sort out how to manage your particular flavor of GD. Often times it takes a lot of trial and error. What you need to do today, may or may not change in the future. For much of my life I relied on the occasional (some periods a lot more often) "Escapes from Maleness" to keep myself somewhat intact. But, as I said earlier, I came to a point in my life I needed to take the Trans-Beast on for real.
Quote from: Tommie_9 on May 01, 2017, 09:06:42 AM
I'm in a similar situation. I'm going on 34 years of a happy marriage. Transitioning has been a gradual process that began three years ago. First, I began wearing women's underwear. It was exhilerating. This progressed to wearing angdrogenous women's clothing like shoes, pants, leggings, sports wear, panty hose, jewelry and leggings. Very satisfying. They fit me better than men's clothing, and they're more comfortable. I've started painting by toenails, and most recently had both ears pierced. She accepts me wearing panties, painting my toenails and wearing "men's" earrings, though her initial reponse was not positive. I still keep a pretty low profile at the office, but the earrings stay in.
She asked me if I was "turning gay." Of course, we all know you don't "turn" gay. We're born this way. I replied that I'm attracted to women, which is true, although it's more envy than sexual attraction. I'm asexual, which works because her libido has been non-existent for more than 10 years due to a health condition. I admitted to her that I've always been a "girl" at heart. She's fine with that. I'm comfortable with where I am, and I don't know if I'll ever fully "come out."
I have what I call "girl's morning out" where I put on makeup and more feminine clothing and jewelry to go to the grocery store or shopping on weekends before she gets up - she's a late sleeper. One more reason to look forward to the weekend. It's satisfying when I'm referred to as "her" or "ma'am." I have feminine features, and it's easy for me to remove body hair because mine is more like a female, sparce and fine. I'm a runner and have great legs, so I'm told by other women who've expressed their envy. ;) I looked like a girl growing up and was kidded about it by everybody, even family. My highschool baseball teammates affectionately gave me the nickname "Tammie", which I didn't mind.
I've always been feminine from an emotional standpoint. Right now I'm having a lot of fun and feel much better admitting to myself that this is who I am and who I have always been. I guess we all have our comfort zone. It's been very liberating. I know this is more than you asked for, and I apologize to everyone for this long response, but this is an important topic near to my heart and needs to be shared among us. I have a happy marriage, and I wish you the best in your marriage.
Tommie,
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As with all things marriage related. Communication is the key. For me it is one of the hardest things to do as I am a pretty extreme introvert. But I know that for us to succeed we need the line of communication to remain open. I agree with Karen1959 as our experiences are pretty much mirror images.
Maleness encompasses so much as does femaleness but it sounds like your main concern is sexual performance as a male. Many of us married to women have had to go through the same thing and there are a number of strategies. Some spouses are ok with a more platonic relationship than in the past. Intimacy does not have to only involve the ability to perform but so many other things from simple massage to kissing etc. Take a shower together, that is amazing. That stuff is pretty darn intimate.
There are other aids like Viagra etc than can help. As for desire, i hear you, it can drop almost to zero. I found that i needed to exercise my mind over matter and choose to love her in the way that she wanted to be loved (physical). It was not easy and in NO way did I do it out of obligation. It was an expression of love. Love is way more an action verb than it is a feeling or a noun of any sort.
Management strategies change too as the poster indicated above. You may want to look at what other of your attributes associated with "maleness" she really likes and spend more time on making those even more to her liking. This could be things like initiative, leadership, organizing the home and financial life, being courageous in the face of trials etc. These are male stereotypes and i am in no way inferring that they are not womanly traits too, but for purposes of the discussion i use them as examples.
Ability, you can look into ED pills. Desire is a function of T, in men and woman. You could balance your hormones with your provider to allow more T.
Your relationship and love expression will change. Find ways to maintain satisfaction for both of you. There are plenty of lesbian techniques to express love, with and without penetration. Check out lesbian pron and get some ideas.
I am 6 months post op and had my first orgasm at 5.5 months because it was a homework assignment. It took a bit of experimentation but I found out how. It fells fantastic and I can not wait until June 15 when I am cleared for stimulaion post labiaplasty.
I made a concerted effort to "be a man" for over 50 years. Those feelings never went away. Now most of my obligations are over and done with.
I transitioned last year and I have no regrets. I should have done it sooner.
I been trying and failing for 29 yrs now but it's our love for each other that keeps us together, I just don't know how too help her understand,my wife's fear is she is losing her husband and I keep reassuring her I love her. Wish there was a easy answer.