I've read several threads of girls standing on the precipice, afraid to jump. 'Do I, don't I?' 'Do I tell the wife or not?'
Some are on the train and as they leave the comfort of their hometown, they suddenly want to get off.
In both instances, fear is the overriding factor. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of failure.
Ultimately, no one can make the decision but you. And your decision affects no one here but you.
It's all down to you and you alone.
However this article may help crystalise things for you and give you the clarity - and push - that you need.
http://born.uk.com/regrets-vicki-sixx/ (http://born.uk.com/regrets-vicki-sixx/)
I wish I could really finish it..... "Do I have the balls...?" The root of my existential crises....
It's really not that complicated. I will never quit. Everything else can be worked out, negotiated, etc. The point is if you really know who you are, you have to be that person. I don't fear failure or anything else. I'm extremely motivated and happy with the progress I make. There is no way I can fail. I'm being me, and I'm happy with the best me I can be. I understand there is some collateral damage. But, I'm not ever going to quit on me and pretend to be something I'm not for the rest of my life. But, one has to be really sure this is who they are, not some phase, or some fetish thing, etc. You need to feel this from your soul. It needs to be deep and profound. You need to feel that you are finally home.
I'm with Sinclair, can't quit, agonized about deciding to start for long enough that once this decision is made it's done, I'll do what it takes from there.
The only thing that's trouble for me is work, anyone else's opinion won't affect my ability to survive and continue doing this, which is why I'm not shaving my beard yet, there's already rumors just because I let my hair grow out and started losing weight. I still did plan to do it before my first endocrinologist appointment, but that was supposed to be in four months, not tomorrow!
It's great that some of you have no issues and no plans on quitting, in which case this thread isn't for you. Many, many girls don't have your strength, determination and certainty, day after day someone posts looking for guidance and advice as they struggle with their being, and it's those girls I'm trying to reach.
Quote from: vicki_sixx on May 04, 2017, 03:45:19 AM
It's great that some of you have no issues and no plans on quitting, in which case this thread isn't for you. Many, many girls don't have your strength, determination and certainty, day after day someone posts looking for guidance and advice as they struggle with their being, and it's those girls I'm trying to reach.
We aren't trying to undermine your work, on the contrary our experiences may help obviate the need to be persistent in this endeavor! It's a great article too, I've heard of that doctor's work but never saw it applied in this context.
Quote from: Daniellekai on May 04, 2017, 08:46:22 AM
We aren't trying to undermine your work, on the contrary our experiences may help obviate the need to be persistent in this endeavor! It's a great article too, I've heard of that doctor's work but never saw it applied in this context.
Cheers. I didn't mean to imply you were being difficult. :)
Thanks Vicki for sharing this. Your words of encouragement and guidance on my thread about my doubts were invaluable to me and this article is equally resonant for me. I'm struggling with what seems to be the death of my marriage, with a wife who swore while I was discovering my gender identity that she'd never blame me or hate me yet is now doing both. But I've turned a corner. I'm no longer taking on her moods as my own. I'm no longer allowing her to cast blame on me, tell me how I chose to do this and how I'm doing this to her without challenging her in a calm yet firm manner. Your guidance has played a role in my ability to do that (of course so did some good discussion with my therapist).
Thank you so much Alyssa and i am glad you are no longer feeling to blame for your wife's hostility. You are right in that you'll both be struggling with the 'death' of your marriage because to her, and others in your life, death is taking place. the man she (and they) knew is going away and out is coming this beautiful woman. To you it is an awakening - a metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly - and that is exactly what is going on. The real you is finally coming to the fore. However, to those who loved the caterpillar, they are mourning its loss. It is not her fault that she is feeling this way, she is hurting, but you are right not to dictate to you nor make you feel bad. You cannot feel bad about a wonderful butterfly spreading its wings.
My wife's early support was the only thing that set me free at first. While her feelings toward have changed some, I continue mostly with confidence that this is the only path for me.
Honestly though, everyone here has helped me through my darkest points. Without everyone's understanding, without finding you all with common experiences, I would not have kept down the only path that can provide that personal freedom we all seek.
I finally went to the group in St. Louis last night. It is so affirming to sit down with other trans women, face to face, and talk about life. I wish I had the time last night to go to dinner with many of them.
I personally am thankful for everyone here. Without each other the world is cold and desolate for many of us.
I love this so much!! I've been having doubts - "What if I'm still not happy," "What if I'm making a mistake," "What if I can't pass..." But when I let my true self step in, I know I am a Trans woman, and I will deeply regret it if I do not transition. I've only started HRT three weeks ago, but it seems more questions have been coming up since starting, than were there before.
But it is so true, I only have one life. I want to do everything possible to be the closest to my true self I can.
Vicki you look gorgeous in your new avi!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on May 08, 2017, 11:27:07 AM
Vicki you look gorgeous in your new avi!
Thank you babe! So do you xxx
Great post and will be encouragement to many i am sure. Shakespeare was giving real advice with the "to thine own self " line.
Quote from: vicki_sixx on May 08, 2017, 11:42:11 AM
Thank you babe! So do you xxx
Oh honey I wish that was me! lol. It's not, it's a beautiful drag queen called Farrah Moan, goals tbh.
I agree Vicki. Your looks are goals girl :) xoxo
-Ashley
I don't have doubts about transitioning at this point. I would like to share that for over 50 years I had tremendous doubt. I was tormented by doubt, flying between believing and doubting. I think that is very common. I managed to get past it though. Unfortunately, like you say Vicky, I fell victim, by my own doing, to not living life to the fullest, to hiding, and being ashamed. I would say that for me, I finally realized that I couldn't take that kind of life any more. I had no idea transitioning would be right, or if I was truly trans. It was a situation where I was miserable, guaranteed, why not explore the possibility that I could be happy. I looked back at my life. My female side had always been pleasurable. (No wonder I couldn't stop it) The thing that was making me feel horrible was my denial, shame, and fear. I asked myself an important question. "Is there any part of being a guy that was compelling me to stay a guy." For me, that answer was no. Was the thought of transitioning scary? Oh yes! I was convinced I would lose everyone I told. I sympathize with those who face that now. It is spooky to the max. What helped give me the boost I needed was seeing trans people on online videos who were actually happy. It is powerful to know that good outcomes can and do happen. I started to believe I could be happy too. As part of my soul searching, I did a journal. I let my male and female selves have there own voice. This was a good way to get a new perspective. I watched every step I took. Did I enjoy expressing my feminine side? If I felt weird, was it because of fear or shame or was it just not right for me. I think a powerful tool for figuring out what is right for someone is identifying what emotional reactions are driven by fear.
I know this is getting long winded. I thought maybe someone questioning their status might benefit by seeing that an old questioner like me can finally make the jump and be happy living as a transitioned trans person. At least that is my intention.
Moni
I had a heck of a rocky start, between difficulties dealing with myself, rejection by my ex-spouse, and more recently, rejection for being 'not trans enough'. Transition can definitely be scary.
The thing is, I am happier now, after HRT for almost a year, and a half year of RLE, than I ever was in my adult life. That counts for something. When the Doubt Monster rears up, it is pretty easy to laugh at it and leave the doubts behind. "Are you crazy?" "I'd have to be crazy to willingly go back to that misery, that dead end life without hope."
I won't be quitting. Any doubts raised within my mind are transitory, spurious bits of noise from remnants of my old life that I can ignore.
Moni,
Your entire post was epic to the max and I only wish I'd spoken to you a year ago. You encapsulate everything so brilliantly and the fact that you've gone to the Other Side and concur with what I, someone who hasn't, should go a long way to assuring girls that the advice provided in the article is sound.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 08, 2017, 09:29:08 PM
Unfortunately, like you say Vicky, I fell victim, by my own doing, to not living life to the fullest, to hiding, and being ashamed.
Exactly!!!
Quote"Is there any part of being a guy that was compelling me to stay a guy."
This is really powerful and is a question I hadn't considered in all my wrangling and turmoil I sort of touched on it by proxy but never in such a defined and succinct way. This, to me, is startling and I am shamelessly going to steal it and include it in further advice :)
QuoteIf I felt weird, was it because of fear or shame or was it just not right for me. I think a powerful tool for figuring out what is right for someone is identifying what emotional reactions are driven by fear.
Yet again, another fantastic insight. I - and therefore others, I am sure - have had their heads mashed about whether they should transition or not, and have both ran towards it and then ran away again, and the one thing I didn't recognise fully is where the fear is coming from. Yes, I acknowledged the reaction of others, failure to pass and being alone as being fear-driven reasons to stay as a boy but I didn't recognise that if it wasn't for these fears, I'd be happy to transition. In other words, transition itself was not the problem - just my acceptance by wider society.
QuoteI know this is getting long winded. I thought maybe someone questioning their status might benefit
Absolutely not long-winded at all, Moni just epicness
I quit when I was 15, in 1979. Started re-thinking and exploring a few years ago, and then laser, and now almost complete on a lot of electrolysis. I had my hormones tested a couple weeks ago. Test results (pre-HRT) shocked me into making my first appointment with a gender counselor for later this week - my numbers are too low for either gender in my age bracket. (I think non-binary people are fine, but pre-HRT hormone measurements are reported with a male or female range). I seem to be accelerating and I'm fine with that.
If this community and access to information had existed in 1979, I firmly believe my own transition would not have a 35 year gap.
Kendra
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on May 08, 2017, 08:45:30 PM
I agree Vicki. Your looks are goals girl :) xoxo
Awww, thank you!
Vicki,
Thank you for the kind comments about what I posted. I started thinking about your article. I noticed you mentioning courage a number of times. Speaking only for me, I can't say that I had courage when transitioning. I see it more in my case as desperation. I worked through fears not by courage but by fear of the gender denial cycle that I had lived for so long. I wonder what you think. Should we stress courage as the answer to moving forward? Maybe it is just semantics, but I wonder if determination is a better description. I think I was so sick of the old reality, I finally found the determination to push through the fear (while being terrified.) I can see many out there saying, "Well I'm not brave, how can I possibly transition?"
I thank you for what you are doing for others. I don't mean the above paragraph to be critical of your article. I hope in all this that you as an individual are finding what you need.
Moni
Oh, and if you found something I said to be valuable in some way steal away. lol
Hi Vicki,
I can't thank you enough for sharing this article - it's really mirroring a lot I'm wrestling with at the moment.
What gets me is that I'm wrestling with the line "Do I have the balls to do it?" Maybe I do, but I just need that starting point, eureka moment etc. Do you remember yours or was it always there?
Lastly you are amazing if no one's told you already today! 😁
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 09, 2017, 08:10:52 PM
I can't say that I had courage when transitioning. I see it more in my case as desperation. I worked through fears not by courage but by fear of the gender denial cycle that I had lived for so long. I wonder what you think. Should we stress courage as the answer to moving forward? Maybe it is just semantics, but I wonder if determination is a better description. I think I was so sick of the old reality, I finally found the determination to push through the fear (while being terrified.)
Well the short answer, Moni, would be to use whatever works for you. Having said that, I still believe it's courage that is at play. Why? Because finally saying 'no more' to the fears and feelings that kept you constrained is true courage. You shied away from the battleground for so many years allowing your true self to be kept hidden,because of those fears. So in my opinion, it absolutely is courage (and determination is an integral attribute of courage) because whichever way you look at it, you summoned up the desire to take a stand and face the world as a different gender come what may. And you are in the minority - most lack that conviction and strength of will.
QuoteI thank you for what you are doing for others. I don't mean the above paragraph to be critical of your article. I hope in all this that you as an individual are finding what you need.
Thank you.
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 10, 2017, 10:53:23 AM
Hi Vicki,
I can't thank you enough for sharing this article - it's really mirroring a lot I'm wrestling with at the moment.
You're welcome.
QuoteWhat gets me is that I'm wrestling with the line "Do I have the balls to do it?" Maybe I do, but I just need that starting point, eureka moment etc. Do you remember yours or was it always there?
I think this is one of the biggest myths perpetuated by the trans community - the eureka moment. How many times have we read about someone stating they knew they were trans from the age of 5 or when their mum dressed them up for Halloween or whenever? And this puts pressure on the rest of us - including myself:
'am I trans enough? X knew she was trans at that stage and Y knew she was trans at this stage yet I'm only just pondering it now so that must mean I'm not trans, right?'. Like oh so many of us, I never had a eureka moment. My trans slowly grew. I was always intrigued in cross dressing from an early age (but not all trans are) and mine was very sexual in my late teens. In my mid-20s I became at ease with being a ->-bleeped-<- and stopped trying to rationalise or reason it.
At that point I thought there was no more on the horizon but the last 15 months have shattered that completely. Even after 10 year of being happy as a ->-bleeped-<- I still managed to shock myself into something I never saw coming. Be it I was always in denial and only managed to let go now at a certain age with no steady relationship blocking my way, or whether it's a drop in testosterone that's made me more open, or whether it's just grown inside me over time, the fact is there was never one defining moment and I've been heartened by many TS and gender docs telling me that I am the norm and that the
'I always knew I was a girl' rhetoric is the outlier and, in many cases, said because it's expected of them and to gain validation.
Like so many I found things happening slowly over time. First I was hit by a wave of
'OMG I think I want this all the time!' and venturing into new territory of checking out laser, piercings, HRT. Next I was hit by the doubts and fears and so I ran away from it, only to come back, run away, come back etc and get caught in the turbulence you're feeling right now. Yet through it all - even when I was adamant I was just a TV and silly to think I was TS - I was booking in laser, electrolysis, piercings, eyebrow shaping and nail treatments. Imagine: me waking up with a smile on my face, laughing at myself for thinking I was anything other than a man, and then heading straight out to get my legs lasered and belly button pierced!
QuoteLastly you are amazing if no one's told you already today! 😁
Awww thank you!!!!!!!!
Quote from: vicki_sixx on May 11, 2017, 07:45:37 AM
I think this is one of the biggest myths perpetuated by the trans community - the eureka moment. How many times have we read about someone stating they knew they were trans from the age of 5 or when their mum dressed them up for Halloween or whenever? And this puts pressure on the rest of us - including myself: 'am I trans enough? X knew she was trans at that stage and Y knew she was trans at this stage yet I'm only just pondering it now so that must mean I'm not trans, right?'. Like oh so many of us, I never had a eureka moment. My trans slowly grew. I was always intrigued in cross dressing from an early age (but not all trans are) and mine was very sexual in my late teens. In my mid-20s I became at ease with being a ->-bleeped-<- and stopped trying to rationalise or reason it.
At that point I thought there was no more on the horizon but the last 15 months have shattered that completely. Even after 10 year of being happy as a ->-bleeped-<- I still managed to shock myself into something I never saw coming. Be it I was always in denial and only managed to let go now at a certain age with no steady relationship blocking my way, or whether it's a drop in testosterone that's made me more open, or whether it's just grown inside me over time, the fact is there was ever one defining moment and I've been heartened by many TS and gender docs telling me that I am the norm and that the 'I always knew I was a girl' rhetoric is the outlier and in many cases, said because it's expected of them and to gain validation.
Like so many I found things happening slowly over time. First I was hit by a wave of 'OMG I think I want this all the time!' and venturing into new territory of checking out laser, piercings, HRT. Next I was hit by the doubts and fears and running away, only to come back, run away come back and get caught in the turbulence you're feeling right now Yet through it all - even when I was adamant I was just a TV and silly to think I was TS - I was booking in laser, electrolysis, piercings, eyebrow shaping and nail treatments. Imagine: me waking up with a smile on my face, laughing at myself for thinking I was anything other than a man, and then heading straight out to get my legs lasered and belly button pierced!
That's it exactly! I have always dismissed any gender disphoric feelings I've had over the years because I've always thought that I wasn't genuine because I never knew from say age 4 or 5 but it's been gradual, such as imagining myself as a girl with glasses in lingerie in my late teens to say looking at transgender women and finding them beautiful but not in an "I'm attracted to them way" but "wow they're beautiful, I wish I was like them" and looking at different beautiful women but not being able to make the distinction and just thinking it was because I was attracted to the hot chicks!
There's a lot more than that, but those are the moments that on reflection that makes me realise I can't just ignore it anymore especially seeing as how the thoughts are increasing, like worrying now my muscles are forming at the gym or hating my beard that my SO likes so much.
It's so refreshing to hear that I'm not in a minority who start to feel it this way.
I have had, on many occasions, taken a step back to question the be all and end all of it. I have mental and physical scars from first coming out when I was very young. I buried who I was for many many years which lead to mental health issues. I am not going to go into the the depths of all the things that made me stop and think but it is safe to say that not making the choice would have been a lot worse in the long run. The best part of this experience for me was though, that when I finally said enough I need to do this, my wife at the time supported me and now 10 years later finally came out as a transman and is making the journey with me :D...Always thought the tomboy thing was a bit too realistic lol.
xxx
Nooms
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 11, 2017, 08:55:03 AM
That's it exactly! I have always dismissed any gender disphoric feelings I've had over the years because I've always thought that I wasn't genuine because I never knew from say age 4 or 5 but it's been gradual, such as imagining myself as a girl with glasses in lingerie in my late teens to say looking at transgender women and finding them beautiful but not in an "I'm attracted to them way" but "wow they're beautiful, I wish I was like them" and looking at different beautiful women but not being able to make the distinction and just thinking it was because I was attracted to the hot chicks!
There's a lot more than that, but those are the moments that on reflection that makes me realise I can't just ignore it anymore especially seeing as how the thoughts are increasing, like worrying now my muscles are forming at the gym or hating my beard that my SO likes so much.
It's so refreshing to hear that I'm not in a minority who start to feel it this way.
I'm exactly where you are right now. Worrying about my body since I have been going to the gym for the past year and I did gain muscle...so now I'm only doing cardio and hoping I lose it all soon. Also hating my beard that I've had for the past 5 years or so...and now I can't stand it and it itches so much.
For me it's also been gradually increasing. Looking back I remember times when I was very little that I exhibited some behaviors that could be read as trans but back then I didn't think anything of it, I just didn't know! It wasn't until I was 20 that I started questioning and the thoughts have just increased over time.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on May 11, 2017, 02:47:44 PM
I'm exactly where you are right now. Worrying about my body since I have been going to the gym for the past year and I did gain muscle...so now I'm only doing cardio and hoping I lose it all soon. Also hating my beard that I've had for the past 5 years or so...and now I can't stand it and it itches so much.
For me it's also been gradually increasing. Looking back I remember times when I was very little that I exhibited some behaviors that could be read as trans but back then I didn't think anything of it, I just didn't know! It wasn't until I was 20 that I started questioning and the thoughts have just increased over time.
For me the development of my muscles seems like a smokescreen that just applies to myself. Like I've convinced myself that I'm so happy with the way my muscles are as I'm looking "manly" for the first time in my life yet really, I'd be happier with a girly figure. I watch the Kanye West video "fade" and unlike most I don't ogle the woman in it, I wish I was the woman in it!
Y god, I've just admitted that "out loud" and vocalised something I never thought possible!
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 11, 2017, 08:55:03 AM
That's it exactly! I have always dismissed any gender disphoric feelings I've had over the years because I've always thought that I wasn't genuine because I never knew from say age 4 or 5 but it's been gradual, such as imagining myself as a girl with glasses in lingerie in my late teens to say looking at transgender women and finding them beautiful but not in an "I'm attracted to them way" but "wow they're beautiful, I wish I was like them" and looking at different beautiful women but not being able to make the distinction and just thinking it was because I was attracted to the hot chicks!
Now it's my turn to say
'exactly!' Looking back now, I realise my enchantment and entrancement at seeing gorgeous, sexy women - staring lovingly at album covers, lingerie models and girls in real life - was not merely sexual lust of a horny teenager but the unspoken, unknowing appreciation of their femininity and my longing to be like them. I always knew I was looking at females in a more intense light than my friends but it never stood out because we were 14 years-old and raging with unspent testosterone - and so I'd tell myself I'm imagining it and that my friends are looking in the same way as I am. But I was never truly convinced - for a start they weren't as bewitched as much as I was, they'd look for a bit but not as intently, at every detail, plus they gawped at the obvious: the boobs and legs. I, on the other hand, would scope out all the other attributes: slender arms, lips, eyebrows, earrings, cleavage peeking above the dress.
For example, I had an album cover of a young woman in a slinky, strappy mini dress, with bare legs and open-toe high heels sat on the floor and leaning against a wall looking sexy but dejected. And I would gaze at her for the longest time with unidentified wonder, mesmerised by her nose - small, slender, curving upward ever so slightly - her shapely jaw line and chin, her painted toes peeking through her heels, the shimmer on her shaved and shapely legs, the delicate straps of her dress etc And though there was undoubted sexual lust at play I knew,
I just knew, there was something more pulling me to this image (and a thousand others). I could never put my finger on it and it always niggled me. I thought I was super horny or that I was just getting lost in the fact that women are nicer to look at that men, that they have the benefit of curves, makeup, nail varnish and skimpy outfits but I also knew none of these reasons - valid as they were - explained the full story.
And only now do I recognise the missing piece of the jigsaw: my identification with these woman and wanting to be like them. Even in my most dysphoric, confused and adamant-I'm-a-man moments, I know this to be true. I know now that I was seeing what I resonated with.
And now, in the past year, I've gone from looking at real girls with sexual appreciation to looking at them with jealousy and analysing their style, their accessories and makeup first and then - if at all - sexual appreciation.
QuoteThere's a lot more than that, but those are the moments that on reflection that makes me realise I can't just ignore it anymore especially seeing as how the thoughts are increasing, like worrying now my muscles are forming at the gym or hating my beard that my SO likes so much.
I hate to be the doom merchant but if you're at this stage then:
a) running to the gym and being all manly is only going to make your dysphoria worse.
b) you're going to have to give in to your trans or else live a life of misery (which usually means transitioning late in life, regretting you lost the opportunity to do it when younger)
QuoteIt's so refreshing to hear that I'm not in a minority who start to feel it this way.
I know, right!
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 11, 2017, 04:00:01 PM
For me the development of my muscles seems like a smokescreen that just applies to myself. Like I've convinced myself that I'm so happy with the way my muscles are as I'm looking "manly" for the first time in my life yet really, I'd be happier with a girly figure. I watch the Kanye West video "fade" and unlike most I don't ogle the woman in it, I wish I was the woman in it!
Y god, I've just admitted that "out loud" and vocalised something I never thought possible!
Don't you think admitting something like that is a positive step? I do!
Though my feelings have increased over time - and it really doesn't matter why: whether they were always there or whether they've actually increased - and there is a recognised condition called 'late-onset transgerder' or something like it I do actually believe they were always there just suppressed.
Why do I say this? Because whenever I'd split with a girl I'd be overwhelmed with the urge to dive into trans: join a forum, place adverts for friends, buying wigs, watching makeup videos etc. I don't think it's any coincidence that the feelings would come out when there was no woman to provide the femininity for me, to make me feel 'manly' and to take the dominant role, to make me feel guilty, to make it unsafe for me to dabble. The sad thing is, just as I'd start to build a decent ->-bleeped-<- kit and start making friends and headway with makeup I'd invariably get another girlfriend and everything would be put on the back burner. Admittedly, not only because I couldn't indulge and shave my legs with a girl in my life but also because with a new woman in my life, I was happy to be a man (if only for a few months, after which I'd start sneaking on the trans site whenever she wasn't around!)
The sad thing is, had I not been so eager to get a new girl - which is hard when they look so nice and you're so libido-driven - and had I dedicated time to exploring my trans side in more depth, I am sure I'd have come to the realisation I'm transgender and would have transitioned when I was younger.
Quote from: vicki_sixx on May 11, 2017, 04:47:21 PM
Though my feelings have increased over time - and it really doesn't matter why: whether they were always there or whether they've actually increased - and there is a recognised condition called 'late-onset transgerder' or something like it I do actually believe they were always there just suppressed.
Why do I say this? Because whenever I'd split with a girl I'd be overwhelmed with the urge to dive into trans: join a forum, place adverts for friends, buying wigs, watching makeup videos etc. I don't think it's any coincidence that the feelings would come out when there was no woman to provide the femininity for me, to make me feel 'manly' and to take the dominant role, to make me feel guilty, to make it unsafe for me to dabble. The sad thing is, just as I'd start to build a decent ->-bleeped-<- kit and start making friends and headway with makeup I'd invariably get another girlfriend and everything would be put on the back burner. Admittedly, not only because I couldn't indulge and shave my legs with a girl in my life but also because with a new woman in my life, I was happy to be a man (if only for a few months, after which I'd start sneaking on the trans site whenever she wasn't around!)
The sad thing is, had I not been so eager to get a new girl - which is hard when they look so nice and you're so libido-driven - and had I dedicated time to exploring my trans side in more depth, I am sure I'd have come to the realisation I'm transgender and would have transitioned when I was younger.
I totally agree with you on this but for me it wasn't a girl who made me suppress but family. They were quite physical about me NOT showing my trans side, which was quite sad really. You would expect a traveller community to be a little more tolerant especially because they are often at the brunt of a lot of prejudice :(
Quote from: vicki_sixx on May 11, 2017, 04:32:55 PM
Now it's my turn to say 'exactly!'
Looking back now, I realise my enchantment and entrancement at seeing gorgeous, sexy women - staring lovingly at album covers, lingerie models and girls in real life - was not merely sexual lust of a horny teenager but the unspoken, unknowing appreciation of their femininity and my longing to be like them. I always knew I was looking at females in a more intense light than my friends but it never stood out because we were 14 years-old and raging with unspent testosterone - and so I'd tell myself I'm imagining it and that my friends are looking in the same way as I am. But I was never truly convinced - for a start they weren't as bewitched as much as I was, they'd look for a bit but not as intently, at every detail, plus they gawped at the obvious: the boobs and legs. I, on the other hand, would scope out all the other attributes: slender arms, lips, eyebrows, earrings, cleavage peeking above the dress.
For example, I had an album cover of a young woman in a slinky, strappy mini dress, with bare legs and open-toe high heels sat on the floor and leaning against a wall looking sexy but dejected. And I would gaze at her for the longest time with unidentified wonder, mesmerised by her nose - small, slender, curving upward ever so slightly - her shapely jaw line and chin, her painted toes peeking through her heels, the shimmer on her shaved and shapely legs, the delicate straps of her dress etc And though there was undoubted sexual lust at play I knew, I just knew, there was something more pulling me to this image (and a thousand others). I could never put my finger on it and it always niggled me. I thought I was super horny or that I was just getting lost in the fact that women are nicer to look at that men, that they have the benefit of curves, makeup, nail varnish and skimpy outfits but I also knew none of these reasons - valid as they were - explained the full story.
And only now do I recognise the missing piece of the jigsaw: my identification with these woman and wanting to be like them. Even in my most dysphoric, confused and adamant-I'm-a-man moments, I know this to be true. I know now that I was seeing what I resonated with.
And now, in the past year, I've gone from looking at real girls with sexual appreciation to looking at them with jealousy and analysing their style, their accessories and makeup first and then - if at all - sexual appreciation.
I hate to be the doom merchant but if you're at this stage then:
a) running to the gym and being all manly is only going to make your dysphoria worse.
b) you're going to have to give in to your trans or else live a life of misery (which usually means transitioning late in life, regretting you lost the opportunity to do it when younger)
I know, right!
I know you're talking an amazing amount of sense and are bang on (UK slang for 100% right, lol) when you say about going to the gym and being all manly. :embarrassed:
I need to either stop or stealth change my workout plan to do exercises that emphasise toning, fat burning and decrease in size until I can be more honest with my loved ones about who I am.
I felt myself going "Um-hum" or "that's right" about the rest of your post too. I think when we have these feelings of being able to understand that's not just attraction/lust but admiration and a want to be like that it's liberating yet scares me at the same time.
Lately I've been like that with the video to George Michael's "Freedom" where he has all the models in it. They are stunning yet it goes deeper, I'd love to be able to be just like so many of them especially Linda Evangelista. And it doesn't help that the lyrics are so apt for a lot of what we go through too.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 11, 2017, 04:44:46 PM
Don't you think admitting something like that is a positive step? I do!
Moni I really do, I am happy but yet so scared at the same time. It's not something that we can just admit but ignore and go back to living life the way things were before. I think that I need to work on my when and how I am potentially bringing this up to my SO, folks and my employer in the long run.
But I know I can't simply keep ignoring it, it's been occupying most of my waking thoughts these past few days.
Quote from: Nooms on May 11, 2017, 05:55:22 PM
I totally agree with you on this but for me it wasn't a girl who made me suppress but family. They were quite physical about me NOT showing my trans side, which was quite sad really. You would expect a traveller community to be a little more tolerant especially because they are often at the brunt of a lot of prejudice :(
Ouch, that's tough. That's one thing I do know about the traveller community especially hearing of and meeting a few in my profession - they can be super traditional in some matters, especially births, weddings and funerals (which is where I come in).
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 12, 2017, 06:18:25 AM
Ouch, that's tough. That's one thing I do know about the traveller community especially hearing of and meeting a few in my profession - they can be super traditional in some matters, especially births, weddings and funerals (which is where I come in).
The births part is something my partner and I have had to deal with a lot. As you may well know, it was and still is, not uncommon for travelling families to NOT register their children at birth (this is the case with my partner and I) usually to avoid issues with social services and them taking their children into care, something that happens a lot unfortunately. We have had a nightmare trying to gain I.D and stuff. No birth certificate, no help. We tried to apply for one about 6 years ago but without a living relative to say when and where we born, it is an impossibility. I suppose at least we wont need to worry about changing the name on it too match our gender lol.
Quote from: Nooms on May 12, 2017, 06:41:19 AM
The births part is something my partner and I have had to deal with a lot. As you may well know, it was and still is, not uncommon for travelling families to NOT register their children at birth (this is the case with my partner and I) usually to avoid issues with social services and them taking their children into care, something that happens a lot unfortunately. We have had a nightmare trying to gain I.D and stuff. No birth certificate, no help. We tried to apply for one about 6 years ago but without a living relative to say when and where we born, it is an impossibility. I suppose at least we wont need to worry about changing the name on it too match our gender lol.
Lol I suppose thank god for small graces I suppose. ;D
Can I ask is that you out of the community now or are you still there but just not on talking terms with your family? X
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 12, 2017, 06:13:24 AM
not just attraction/lust but admiration and a want to be like that it's liberating yet scares me at the same time.
Of course it's scary - hence why I wrote the article I linked in my OP. You're giving up not only all you've ever kown but all that's expected of you by society. But you have to face the fear and do it anyway.
Believe me, life is much easier when you stop caring. And I'm living proof. The prospect of shopping in a female clothes shop and trying outfits on terrified me and it took me ages to pluck up the courage yet when I did, it was so liberating - no more ordering online and having to send items back because they didn't fit or suit and then wait for refunds - and I was amazed at how easy it was. Same goes for stepping outside of the house en femme. And same goes for telling my work colleagues I'm trans. When you own it and show no fear or embarrassment it puts you in the control. People don't take the piss because I feel no shame and in fact, they're the ones squirming as I'm teasing them by saying I'll make them over and lend them a dress!
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 12, 2017, 06:15:53 AM
Moni I really do, I am happy but yet so scared at the same time. It's not something that we can just admit but ignore and go back to living life the way things were before.
But why would you want to? Why would you want the dull and humdrum? Why would you want a life without the fabulousness of heels, makeup and sexy outfits? Why would you want to be invisible and bland when you can stand out and be a unicorn?
QuoteI think that I need to work on my when and how I am potentially bringing this up to my SO, folks and my employer in the long run.
It's easier than you think. Especially with employers. Not only are they legally-obliged to do right by you but you'll also find yourself fast tracked in many cases because employers have diversity targets to attain. And besides that, your work colleagues aren't emotionally invested in you - in other words, they don't give a crap what you do with your life. Parents should be okay, too, because you are and always will be their child.
Your SO is the challenge - she got with a man and that is what she wants. After all, how would you feel if your partner said she wanted to turn into a hairy-chested beer-bellied moustachioed man? I'm betting you wouldn't be too enamoured. And I know that is horrifying - the prospect of losing her but again, that's why I wrote my article. (Have you read it?). It's also unfair to live a lie and hold onto someone who doesn't know (or would want) the real you. And if she doesn't want to be with you then - believe it or not - she isn't right for you because you deserve someone who
does want you. And before you start to think you couldn't live without her, you thought the same about all those other girls who broke your heart yet you recovered just fine. Last of all, you may find that - like my friends discovered - she wants to say with you and loves you regardless
QuoteBut I know I can't simply keep ignoring it, it's been occupying most of my waking thoughts these past few days.
No because:
1) you're not being true to yourself.
2) you can never give your kids moral guidance if you can't be true to yourself.
3) you will become more and more unhappy - until you split up anyway or worse, live a wretched life of misery.
4) you only get one life.
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 12, 2017, 08:18:48 AM
Lol I suppose thank god for small graces I suppose. ;D
Can I ask is that you out of the community now or are you still there but just not on talking terms with your family? X
We ran, we ran so far that we forgot who we were...Joking aside no we are not part of that life any more, its just me and Callen now. Has been for over 15 years and we don't regret a moment. Never been safer or happier to be honest!
xxx
Nooms
I had tried to suppress the way I felt for so long there is a long line of rubble following me, coming from an army back ground you should of see the look on my father face when his only son grow his hair & became an goth so there was never going to be an "open day" to my parents they still don't know (lost contact Through lies) any way fast forward a few years I longed to tell my wife that it was more that just cross dressing I so wished I had told her from the start now I,ve recently told her the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan big time it was not the fact that I had more female in me than male ( she had a feeling all the time) it was because I couldn't trust her enough to tell her " all the years of lying " she told me so it never pays to live a lie & besides for gods sake you have ONE life that's it no more just the one so make good use of it, my wife has left me & who could blame her, it hurts really bad at the moment I have never felt so low in my life lucky I have a few friend s on her who have help me no end. This morning I sat by myself in the bottom of my garden with a 12 bore shot gun in my mouth thank you AMORE for talking some sense in to me. Now I,ve had time to think to reflect on things it might be hard for a while by with time it will get better, I have been set free I need to focus on becoming Sara, there are going to be more tears to come but hopefully a few smiles as well.
Sara,
I am glad you are here. You can find happiness in this world and you can do it being yourself. What a shame it would be for you to stop before you get there. Get help if you need it. We all need help sometimes, it is nothing to be ashamed of. You must believe that things will get better. They will, Hon!
Moni
If ever you needed more of a kick up the bum than the article I wrote and the discussion we've had since....
I've just finished a 3 hour conversation with a friend I lost contact with 4/5 years ago. He was talented in a number of creative endeavours but never amounted to anything, mainly due to his own procrastination. There was always tomorrow, y'know? At the grand old age of 39 he decided to go back to university and racked up £40,000 of debt to launch a career in one his creative fields. He finished his degree and went back to putting things off for a couple of years. Then one day he finally woke up and slowly started making his move. This is where we parted ways.
In tonight's phone call I discovered that his uncle, brother and girlfriend all died suddenly (heart attack, cancer, car crash) and was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but as it went unnoticed for twenty years he has tendonitis in all of his joints, is sapped of energy for all but 3 hour a day, and his vision is so badly affected (tunnel & blurred vision) that he can't drive, work, write, read or watch TV - and this is the big killer because he is a big movie buff and aspiring screenwriter. His life has been shattered. He has lost his family along with his job and the career he stalled on starting. Even if he was destined to end up as this physical wreck he wishes he made his move earlier to enjoy the fruits of £40,000 education and see the rewards of his talent and hard work.
Now he has nothing. Nothing but regret.
As I said in the article, life is short. Don't end up regretting you lived a life true to who you really are.
Quote from: vicki_sixx on May 12, 2017, 10:23:57 AM
Of course it's scary - hence why I wrote the article I linked in my OP. You're giving up not only all you've ever kown but all that's expected of you by society. But you have to face the fear and do it anyway.
Believe me, life is much easier when you stop caring. And I'm living proof. The prospect of shopping in a female clothes shop and trying outfits on terrified me and it took me ages to pluck up the courage yet when I did, it was so liberating - no more ordering online and having to send items back because they didn't fit or suit and then wait for refunds - and I was amazed at how easy it was. Same goes for stepping outside of the house en femme. And same goes for telling my work colleagues I'm trans. When you own it and show no fear or embarrassment it puts you in the control. People don't take the piss because I feel no shame and in fact, they're the ones squirming as I'm teasing them by saying I'll make them over and lend them a dress!
But why would you want to? Why would you want the dull and humdrum? Why would you want a life without the fabulousness of heels, makeup and sexy outfits? Why would you want to be invisible and bland when you can stand out and be a unicorn?
It's easier than you think. Especially with employers. Not only are they legally-obliged to do right by you but you'll also find yourself fast tracked in many cases because employers have diversity targets to attain. And besides that, your work colleagues aren't emotionally invested in you - in other words, they don't give a crap what you do with your life. Parents should be okay, too, because you are and always will be their child.
Your SO is the challenge - she got with a man and that is what she wants. After all, how would you feel if your partner said she wanted to turn into a hairy-chested beer-bellied moustachioed man? I'm betting you wouldn't be too enamoured. And I know that is horrifying - the prospect of losing her but again, that's why I wrote my article. (Have you read it?). It's also unfair to live a lie and hold onto someone who doesn't know (or would want) the real you. And if she doesn't want to be with you then - believe it or not - she isn't right for you because you deserve someone who does want you. And before you start to think you couldn't live without her, you thought the same about all those other girls who broke your heart yet you recovered just fine. Last of all, you may find that - like my friends discovered - she wants to say with you and loves you regardless
No because:
1) you're not being true to yourself.
2) you can never give your kids moral guidance if you can't be true to yourself.
3) you will become more and more unhappy - until you split up anyway or worse, live a wretched life of misery.
4) you only get one life.
So sorry it's took me a while to reply, I don't get the chance on the weekend to get on here. By the way, seeing some of your phrases like "kick up the bum" or "taking the piss" are you from the UK?
Something there caught my eye and it speaks to me so much - when you said "life is so much easier when you stop caring so much." And that's very true, I always (used to) stand by that - I'm asking myself "why can't I now?" And If I think about it I know I can - I mean my workmates I don't really care what they think. Save one I'd say who is a very good friend, I'm not that tight with all of them so it wouldn't bother me. I think my boss would be ok too, he's been a mate for a couple of years now before I started my job and being an ex-marine I'd think he'd consider it me showing some "balls" and being brave.
I don't have a lot in the way of friends now but those I do have I am sure would be ok and if not? Sod 'em, I'm sure I can always make more friends anyway - I lost my best friend who was like a brother 8 years ago and if I can cope with that, I can cope with anything.
Family I'm sure would be ok too - one of my little second cousins recently came out as Gay and he had loads of support including from his dad, my older cousin who was a "lad" and still is to an extent and all my family including my own parents were great. Another second cousin of mine who is practically a model who I was very close to when she was younger, growing up and at 20 I'm sure would help me have a make over. And my folks I'm sure would be the best, they love me unconditionally and I know my dad would be fab.
So as I'm typing this I'm thinking "what's holding you back?" "Everything'll be ok, look!" It's just my Mrs which holds me back currently. I was weighing it all up at the weekend, wondering how I'll approach it and if I'll just drop it on her or do it subtly so it's not so much of a shock and she'll go "I already knew." As I was thinking this, we were watching Trainspotting (Don't know if you've seen it?) and it got to the scene when Begbie pulled in the nightclub and took her back to his car to discover that she's trans. My Mrs laughed and went "Ah god, imagine someone like Begbie pulling a ->-bleeped-<-!" and it stopped me dead in my tracks, unsure if I'd just heard it. The language I can put up with as we're already an interracial couple (I'm white, she's black) and we do have a naughty sense of humour about it that others may find offensive but this, I just don't know. Maybe the fact it cut me so deep confirms that I know it about myself already!
But yes, I definitely read the article and I must do so again as it helped me out so much if only internally to give me that kick up the bum that I need to stop burying my head in the sand and deal with my reality - that I am and should have been born a woman!
Quote from: Nooms on May 12, 2017, 11:18:30 AM
We ran, we ran so far that we forgot who we were...Joking aside no we are not part of that life any more, its just me and Callen now. Has been for over 15 years and we don't regret a moment. Never been safer or happier to be honest!
xxx
Nooms
Fair play Nooms, that takes a lot of courage. Glad your man is by your side for it all too. xxx
Quote from: reallynotsure83 on May 15, 2017, 06:02:10 AM
So as I'm typing this I'm thinking "what's holding you back?" "Everything'll be ok, look!" It's just my Mrs which holds me back currently. I was weighing it all up at the weekend, wondering how I'll approach it and if I'll just drop it on her or do it subtly so it's not so much of a shock and she'll go "I already knew." As I was thinking this, we were watching Trainspotting (Don't know if you've seen it?) and it got to the scene when Begbie pulled in the nightclub and took her back to his car to discover that she's trans. My Mrs laughed and went "Ah god, imagine someone like Begbie pulling a ->-bleeped-<-!" and it stopped me dead in my tracks, unsure if I'd just heard it. The language I can put up with as we're already an interracial couple (I'm white, she's black) and we do have a naughty sense of humour about it that others may find offensive but this, I just don't know. Maybe the fact it cut me so deep confirms that I know it about myself already!
But yes, I definitely read the article and I must do so again as it helped me out so much if only internally to give me that kick up the bum that I need to stop burying my head in the sand and deal with my reality - that I am and should have been born a woman!
I wouldn't take that comment as your SO's general attitude. We have all made insensitive comments at some point about people or groups who have circumstances unfamiliar to us. Goodness knows how the media puts trans people up there as the butt of a joke. Allow her the benefit of the doubt. Allow her the chance to evolve from the point where she thinks it is funny.
Making the jump does have risks. That is the truth. You will never have the perfect conditions to come out. They only exist on deserted islands. You have to decide if you are driven enough to take the risk. If you are, then know that fear will try to stop you. You have to kick fear in the shins and run right over it. Get over the idea that you have this safe image that everyone accepts now and you don't want to lose that. That image is not really you. Keeping it is living a lie. People will still love you, and the ones that don't never really accepted you anyway.
Moni