So this may be a longish post, but also may be a series of questions I have... not sure exactly how it will turn out... And sorry if the title is a little misleading, but I think its okay?
Okay so for years I've been saying to my husband, 'I don't feel feminine. I hate it.' and variants on this...He's always quick to tell me, 'You're a girl to me.' At first, it made me feel a little better. Like, 'Well, at least he thinks I appear the way I'm "supposed" to, that's good right?' Well in recent months, my dysphoria has been really bad. Not even thinking like that helps. And as I've been writing more and more stories the past few months, I have also been delving deeper into myself and researching more, and realizing, this just isn't gonna be cured with a 'Oh well you look female to me.'
And I realized over the past few months, I hadn't really explained what 'I don't feel feminine' meant to my husband. So I have been trying better to vocalize what it means, though, its really hard for me to express how I feel. He's doing his best to understand though as I try and tell him, but as a straight cis male who is religious, its very hard for him to grasp I think. I'm proud of him though, he's really trying...
Anyway, that's not really my point I guess. The thing is, he's the only person I full on came out to that isn't an online friend. I told him, I really am not sure that I want to be a man, but I do want to feel comfortable in my skin, which DOES mean getting rid of the chest and my female insides... I'm tired of the screwed up reproductive system that makes me have no periods anyway, and I hate my chest that grew post kids. (Used to be an A or B cup... now DD. *hiss*)
Part of me wants to come out to others, part of me doesn't. I think I'll wait till I get in to see the gender therapist definitely before I do come out, BUT I do have things that have hinted at it.
So I kinda have a bit of a survey question.
1. How often do you look at what groups your friends have joined on Facebook?
The reason I ask is because, usually I'm careful about what Facebook groups I join, because I have family on my account, and especially on my mom's side of the family, people talk to each other and stick their noses where they don't belong. And most of my family is highly religious. (Oh I have horror stories about this like you wouldn't believe.) But I really felt like I needed to join an LGBT Utah group, just to meet people who I can befriend near me, get advice on therapists/doctors/stuff like that. Its a closed group so people can see I'm in it, but can't see what I post... I'm not planning on leaving it, but I'm just curious if its common to notice what groups your friends are in.
2. I posted this on FB. Just curious if it would make you wonder (pretending you don't know that I'm non-binary) if there was something I am keeping from saying--
There's a reason I'm sharing a photo of mine from nine years ago.... But lets start from the beginning. You might have seen my recent photo of my haircut that was cut WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too short. At least from what I had told them. It has been a HUUUUUUUUGE adjustment for me... There are parts I've liked about it since getting it cut, but I haven't said I love it. Just things about it I love. Like the less than 5 minute blow dry time. Or running my fingers through the back.
There is a reason for this though. When I was younger, I had really short hair. (About 6-8 maybe? Can't remember how long it was that short) But as I grew older, I always BEGGED not to get hair cuts. My mom always had to be careful how she phrased things. It was always a 'trim.' I grew my hair out, and I think my first above shoulder cut was in high school. And the only way I would cut my hair that much, was if I donated it.
Why? Because, in a lot of ways, I was rather tomboyish. I didn't mind getting my hands dirty. I wasn't afraid to get into fights. I hated skirts/dresses. Makeup was of the devil. Jeans and t-shirts were awesome. (And of course my cowboy boots hahaha). But I knew I was a girl too, so I didn't want to LOOK like a boy. And I have ALWAYS felt like short hair made me look too boyish.
(Now that's not to say I didn't like girly things... As a very little girl, I LOOOOOOVED my big poofy dresses that fully spread out around me and I decided made me look like a flower... I remember my favorite was this blue and white one I had because it spun out the best. And I loved my American Girl Dolls, and my stuffed animal collection... well, it was pretty over the top. Ask any of my siblings.... They could tell you. There's a reason I to this day sleep on very little of the bed. ;) )
So ... I guess its been about a month... Maybe? Don't remember the exact date lol. I decided I need a new look. I wanted shorter. Different. Showed [my husband] pics of what I wanted, and we picked out the one we liked together. Then we went and got my hair cut, and me, being blind as a bat couldn't tell till they were almost done exactly what they were doing, and it was obviously too late by then. I had a boy cut. The very thing I was afraid of most of my life.
But what surprised me most is the fact, even from the beginning, I 'kinda' liked it. I'm adjusting still to it, its already getting longer a little too, so maybe in a couple months I'll be able to go to the style that I wanted in the first place. Or maybe, I'll just leave this one as is.
Now, about this picture. I thought it fit very well with my story. About 9 years ago, I got sent one of my favorite articles of clothing in the world, from [a friend in DC]... This lovely Slytherin tie. (I also have arm warmers made by her. Also another favorite possession of mine.) So I found one of my button down shirts and put it on with the shirt. And [my] cute little [nephew] walked in my room, and I kid you not asked me why I looked like a man. (Kid, some of my favorite memories are of your innocent questions you asked me... You always were a curious little guy) I thought it was a hilarious moment, and so I took pictures.
AAAAAAAAANYWAY.... point is... I came to the conclusion recently, I'm gonna stop worrying about if my hair makes me look like a boy. If I want short hair, I'm gonna go with short hair. What people thought about how I dress never bothered me, why should my hair? (And yes, PLENTY of people have had things to say about my wardrobe choices... Especially my choice in jeans and cowboy boots for some reason. Oh well.)
3. A few days ago, my mother, who knows that I've always hated short haircuts for fear of looking like a boy, told me I should have cut it shorter. She also was talking about my lesbian sister-in-law right before that. This woman is highly religious, a worker at one of the LDS temples, and very adamant that LGBTQ+ is sinful. BUT she at least is accepting that we exist, and should be loved and so on. In that sense, she does, in my opinion, show a true message of Christianity. SOOOO the whole conversation, I kind of got the feeling that she knew something was going on maybe and was trying to get me to say something, without flat out asking me... I'm probably overreaching right?
4. Assuming that somehow someone actually pays attention to some things I've posted/done on Facebook, and word gets out, how would you personally respond to that? (Or pays attention to my deviantart... its linked on my FB hahaha and I post A LOT about it there) Like I feel like I wouldn't be able to deny it, but I also still am working things out myself, so I wouldn't know exactly what to say because of that, and just also because I got cornered.
I think that's it for now?
Firstly, welcome to wonderful non-binary land, where folk are folk.
Actually, the title is rather apt. Reading between the lines there is a lot of emphasis on that social media site, and with due cause. That site has 'open' policies that are very hard to restrict, so questions and photos are easily seen, and easier to share, hurdles of privacy can be jumped by a screen shot and a repost.
So social news travels fast. I have a friend who is poly, and trans (they're not on here though), and they have had tremendous difficulty in managing who saw their status update on coming out - and yes that was a wall of questions from those who did not know their lgbtq+ status prior to this. And so began the friends lists purges.
Personally, I'd not put anything there that you don't want to be public, regardless of the 'protections' that you have in place.
As to yourself, experiment, question and observe yourself, see if or how you behave in a situation, see if you are congruent or contra natal sex (with your assigned gender or not). The hair is an experiement, and often these lead to newer, more bold experiments - they are a symptom of dysphoria, as we are subconsciously seeking ways to make ourselves feel better.
So I'll counter with the key question - have you found a therapist yet - they will help you explore.
(Hugs)
Rowan
Quote from: Sno on May 08, 2017, 06:10:07 PM
Firstly, welcome to wonderful non-binary land, where folk are folk.
Actually, the title is rather apt. Reading between the lines there is a lot of emphasis on that social media site, and with due cause. That site has 'open' policies that are very hard to restrict, so questions and photos are easily seen, and easier to share, hurdles of privacy can be jumped by a screen shot and a repost.
So social news travels fast. I have a friend who is poly, and trans (they're not on here though), and they have had tremendous difficulty in managing who saw their status update on coming out - and yes that was a wall of questions from those who did not know their lgbtq+ status prior to this. And so began the friends lists purges.
Personally, I'd not put anything there that you don't want to be public, regardless of the 'protections' that you have in place.
As to yourself, experiment, question and observe yourself, see if or how you behave in a situation, see if you are congruent or contra natal sex (with your assigned gender or not). The hair is an experiement, and often these lead to newer, more bold experiments - they are a symptom of dysphoria, as we are subconsciously seeking ways to make ourselves feel better.
So I'll counter with the key question - have you found a therapist yet - they will help you explore.
(Hugs)
Rowan
Yeah, I've been a victim of cyberbullying via FB in the manner you described, so I am indeed pretty careful. PLUS there was about a year when I didn't keep in contact with my parents AT ALL and people abused their FB friendship with me to get information to my parents... not pretty, but another story for another time. But that's why I asked how often you check what groups your friends are part of... cause the group is closed and there isn't anyone there who knows the rest of my family as far as I can tell and can take advantage of that fact... anyway, point is, really the only 'coming out' I've done on FB is join a Utah LGBTQ+ group and the post I copied here. I don't intend to leave the group because they're the connection I have to getting things I need cause I have NO IDEA what's available to me here.
So yeah, its kind of more of a question of how observant people really are when it comes to groups that makes me worry about coming out, and then that post.
As for me, yeah, I'm still researching therapists in my area and getting recommendations. I'm taking my time researching because I had bad therapists (for anxiety) in the past that blamed me for every single problem I have, (including abuse... like I deserved it or something... um right) so I'm a little wary.
I have been experimenting a lot though the past few months, like you said, the hair being the biggest experiment to date though hahaha, especially since for years I've already been dressing rather androgynously, and acting not so feminine lol. I'm more questioning where I am on the gender spectrum (masculine side)