With my current life situation, it would definitely be easier for me to just wait on any kind of transition. Wait until i have my license. Wait until I figure out how to transfer jobs. Wait until i'm moved and settled into the town i plan on being in. Wait until i have more money to save up. Wait wait wait.
But i can't wait.
I have waited and waited and waited, and the more i have done so, the less things have actually changed. Two years ago i thought i was going to move out and go to school. That didn't happen. Last year I thought i would have my driver's license. That didn't happen. This year i thought i would be moved into an apartment. That didn't happen. No matter what plans i make, no matter what it is i'm waiting on, things always go wrong for me. Something always comes up and gets in the way, and the things I keep waiting for just never happen, despite my best efforts.
And before all of that, I had to do even more waiting.
I waited through moving back "home" with family because I had nowhere else to go. I waited through the breakup with my spouse, spending months alone in our apartment feeling estranged from him and his family, spending my holidays alone while he went about his life as normal. I waited through talks with a counselor as we slowly started to realize that this "gender thing" was not only here to stay, but would become an irreconcilable roadblock in our relationship. I waited through experimenting with haircuts and new clothes, being told how much prettier i looked when i didn't do those things, having excuses made to put off the inevitable. I waited through a phase of trying to convince myself that i wasn't fully transsexual, that i could still be happy as "she" regardless of my inner feelings. I waited through long bouts of illness, depression, and a total upheaval of everything i knew or understood about myself and my life. I waited through years and years of ignoring my feelings and trying my damnedest to be something i was not, to the point of creating such a strong persona that no one could see through it. I waited through being forced to do things i hated, and avoiding things i loved, to please people who only ever hurt me.
I waited and waited and waited. I am still waiting, and I am more than fed up with it. It is killing me. The stress and depression aren't going anywhere. They're growing. I won't be able to function like this for much longer. The words "It doesn't matter; I'm probably just gonna kill myself" flit through my head so frequently and casually now that I barely even notice them.
I can't keep waiting. I can't do it. I just can't. If I don't kill myself, I will be forced to just drop everything and run. And i'm just lucky enough to have health problems so that running away, not being tied down to medications and carefully planned diets and regular doctor visits will probably also kill me. So no matter what I do, it's basically either stop waiting or die.
And if that sounds dramatic, it's too damn bad because i'm just as tired of trying to curb my thoughts and censor myself as i am of waiting and doing nothing.
But the problem is, a lifetime of being forced to wait, being kicked and dragged around, being lied to until I believed it, being sick, being broken, being alone, has left me stranded and lost.
I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do. I even have a vague idea of how to do it. But I don't know what the first step should be. I don't trust my own judgment any more. I am afraid to take a big risk, to leap without a safety net, lest all my efforts just set me back even further. So I am pleading for serious answers, advice, and realistic solutions that don't end in "just wait".
The main goal right now: Hormones. This is the almighty first step, as far as I'm concerned, and the thing I need more than anything else. But how to get there?
The only clinics I know anything about that I can be sure of for such things are the Planned Parenthood clinics, of which there are a few in my state. There's even one in my city, but that one does not offer hormone treatment. The ones that do are equally far away from me on either side: about 2-3 hours' drive.
If I had a history of driving, this wouldn't be much of an issue for me. But even when I do get my license, I'll have next to no experience out on the "real" road, going over highways and in strange areas, with no idea where I'm actually going. I am terrified of being lost and alone, especially while driving. Not to mention the fact that appointments aren't that easy to make and reschedule, nor are they free. So it would be a pretty big hit for me to utterly fail something as simple as just getting there.
There is a bus, but that would take about six hours instead of two. Maybe more. This means that if I took the bus, I'd have to stay overnight somewhere just for this appointment--and these appointments, of course, aren't a one-time thing. There would need to be several within a relatively short span of time, just to get things started. I have no idea beyond that.
Getting someone else to drive me is pretty much out of the question, though. My family does not support me or acknowledge "this gender thing" in any way. My friends are far away and have their own lives to deal with.
I am not sure about driver services like Uber. That's a whole new world to me, never used anything like it and don't know how far they'd be able to take me--or how much it would cost. So it's a maybe?
I also don't know if I should continue hunting for other clinics, if there's something closer I'm just not seeing, or if I should even trust those places. I would prefer not to have to go on a two (or six) hour drive there, then another two (or six) hour drive back, multiple times, just to even get things started. But all my Google searching hasn't really given me many other options.
I have no idea about insurance. I know I have it (for now), I don't know what it will cover as far as all this stuff goes, and I don't know how much it will cost me out of pocket--especially if it turns out insurance doesn't cover it at all. I'm guessing that's something i'll just have to "find out when i get there", but it's an awful lot of trouble to go through just to find out I can't afford something.
I'm also really worried about my health problems causing interference of some kind. Again it's an issue of "find out when you get there", but that's really stressful in itself.
Then there's the question of whether or not I should seek a therapist/counselor. I have already talked to a couple of them over the years, though none specifically for gender-related issues (not that it didn't get brought up anyway). I don't know if I should. I don't know if I need to. I don't know if it would even be healthy for me at this point, because I feel like it would just be another form of "waiting" (if I tried to do that before seeking hormone treatment), or worse yet, maybe some kind of confirmation to my family that this is all in my head and not an actual physical problem that needs solving through medical means. I have my pride. There's very little of it left now, but i'm clinging to that tiny shred as hard as I can, dammit. Yes, what my family thinks of me is important to me! Just in the opposite way of how most people mean it. I don't want to do what they think I should do, or be who they think i should be. But i also don't want them to think that they were right. I don't want them to have that over me, because even though seeing a therapist for gender issues would not actually mean "it's all just in your head", that is exactly how they would take it, and they would gloat about that, and if the therapist didn't agree with their opinions, they'd follow their gloating up with a bunch of complaints about how (s)he's not a "real" doctor and is filling my head with nonsense (because in their minds i am oh-so-impressionable), just like they did with the others I have seen.
The only reason I'd really want to go is to have someone to talk to. But if I have other people to talk to, shouldn't that have the same effect--or better, since friends at least care about your feelings and aren't just there to ask vague questions and get paid? I don't know if my past experiences are painting the whole thing in a negative light or if it's just not worth my time, money, and effort on top of everything else i still have to do, so this one is really just another maybe. Though there's also the possibility that a therapist would know about clinics and insurance and all that stuff, and be able to make this whole thing easier for me to handle by showing me the way. That would be a blessing. It's still a lot of time, effort, and money for something i could potentially get elsewhere, though.
Similarly to therapists, there's the idea of support groups, but i like that even less. It would be nice to make friends who share struggles and problems and have their own experiences to share and learn from, yes... but i just don't know about a thing like that. And again, we have the time/effort/money issue to consider.
So there's all that. To anyone willing to read all of this and offer genuine advice and support, I sincerely thank you. If nothing else, writing it all out helps me to get a better picture of it in my head, so that maybe (eventually?) it'll be a little easier to manage.
Definitely a big read, I'm sorry to hear.
First off I'll address your last request if you ever need anyone to talk to instead of a therapist I'm totally fine with it. You can always PM me or skype me if you want to take a bite on that offer.
Other than that...advice? You really are in a bad situation. I think I know how the "waiting" feels, and the incredible need to go go go. The main reason I didnt wait is because I wasnt sure if I could. I was lucky, the stars aligned and instead of waiting to make sure I needed to transition or not, I took the opportunity to go to planned parenthood and get it done right away (I heard rumors about there being long waiting lists, when I heard PP had one at first I was terrified I had no chance of getting on hormones, so when they called back I took it right away).
First off you should call them, they should be able to refer you to prices beforehand and information, it's something. Second, you said the whole uber thing was up in the air because you dont know anything about it, I suggest you seriously look into it because its a light at the end of a dark tunnel. From what I've seen uber services are very good, you may have to pay a lot but hormones are going to have to be an investment worth fighting for (hopefully you have a job and can stretch your finances, save money, and downsize on expenses). If not uber try asking for drivers on craigslist, I'm sure there are people out there that need the money, and you can leave an ad up for weeks until you get something.
The cost of the appointments themselves might be...well...sorta costly, but I would get ready for the money for it. Charge it somewhere temporarily that you can pay down later if that's what you have to do (but make sure you can). The good news is after the first or second appointment you only have to go in every three months or so. Insurance might even cover part or most of the appointment themselves (I now have insurance and it covers the majority of the cost). Hormones are cheapest to buy prescription at walmart I believe, and my doctor clued me in that an app called goodrx can give discounts though I never got around to using it myself.
If this is youre last resort and you NEED it, I really think you should pool all your resources and options and go for it. Even when you "get there" and learn you hit another roadblock, you wont know until you get there, and knowledge is not a waste of money.
Hopefully a driver's license in the future is something you can get once your fear of waiting settles. But you need to find new and radical ways to make it easier to reach your goals so you dont have to struggle so much next time to get where you want to be.
I dont know if any of that helps but I really wish for you that you can succeed somehow.
I will make my response short. I drove 2.5 hrs to Planned Parenthood to get a script. BEFORE that I got my local primary to agree to monitor so no need to go back now for a year. Call them to see what they charge for the visit if you don't have insurance. Re your 'waiting' you need to be OK with the fact that transitioning is a slow process regarding testosterone. A therapist would be most helpful in helping with your mental transition. I live in a rural area where no one has experience with transgender issues but are willing to try. It has been very good for me. Feel free to PM me.
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I needed to move 400 miles from home to find any treatment including therapy. If we know a location near you, we might be able to help you locate treatment near you. Otherwise may come down to hard decisions like I had to make where you relocate or change your life so you can access the services you require. When you transition, the process isn't perfect and often you need to make compromises it order to get what you need. Some are luckier that others but it rare to find a transition that was easy.
Quote from: meatwagon on May 16, 2017, 02:57:43 AM
But i can't wait.
Life is what happens while we're busy making plans.
I can't help with the details because the US system for care is very different from my country, but it sounds like you already have your answer and need to make arrangements for it. Driving alone isn't that bad. Familiarize yourself with a driving route first on Google maps or something so you know what you're going to see in advance. I have a 2 hr drive every time I have to talk to my therapist thanks to living in a remote location and the lack of GID clinics in general. First trip involved finding the place and trying to get there in time, subsequent trips are routine and easy. Boring, in fact. Once you do it once, that's it, you know the way and it's not going to bother you much again.
If you don't have a license this is a good reason to get one. First driving lesson I ever had the instructor took me on the highway almost immediately. You will learn how to manage.
A few thoughts I can offer.
Don´t wait. You´ve clearly had enough of it. I am familiar of the idea of waiting, everybody encouraging you to wait it out, but if your gut tells you that you should get to it NOW, then it´s probably right.
Second: it´s worth it. Sounds like taking the car is a risk, and going by bus (and then staying somewhere overnight) is a hassle. But going by bus and staying somewhere overnight, and the whole hassle, will be worth it if you get hormones. Because you will no longer be on wait.
Third. Can you perhaps call one of these clinics and find out what their insurance deals are with your insurance provider? I live in Europe and the laws are different here. But perhaps if you can call them ahead (before you actually go there), you can find out whether your insurance covers their treatment.
Good luck to you and well done deciding not to put your life on hold :) ;D
Thanks to everyone for your answers; you're all very helpful and have given me some things to think about.
I know transition itself isn't quick and easy, but nothing worth having in life really is. I don't require it to be quick or easy, but I do require it, and if I can just actually get started, I will be much better off.
I think my best bet would be to stick with the Planned Parenthood, since I am at least somewhat familiar with them and hunting for different clinics--even if they might be closer to me--is proving more trouble than it's worth.
I will give them a call, probably next week when I have some time off from work, which will also give me time to write a list of questions to ask them regarding appointments and insurance.
As for transportation, I'm still not sure what would be best for me, but I'll look more into Uber (I read they don't have a limit on how far you can go; it would just depend on finding a driver who was up to the task). Then I can weigh potential cost of that vs an overnight stay + bus fare, vs how comfortable I feel about driving on my own. (And whether or not driving on my own is an option, depending on when I'm able to make an appointment for a driver's test and whether or not I pass...)
I think regardless of what transportation option I choose, familiarizing myself as much as possible with the road via Google maps is a really good idea.
The whole idea is very scary to me, especially since I have to do it alone, but breaking it down into steps helps.
The only other concern I'm not sure how to address right now is me being sick, and the fact that my current doctors don't know anything about my gender or my plans for transition. I assumed they would find out through contact with the clinic since they would need to access my health records for information about my illness and my medications and all that before greenlighting any sort of treatment... but I don't know if I should actually make appointments to talk to them about it beforehand. In a perfect world, "contacting your doctor" would be easy and painless, but for me it's a huge hassle involving long waits on a phone system, a requirement to make an appointment, and having to inform my family of the date, location, and purpose of the appointment so transportation can be arranged. I can walk to my normal doctor, but for the GI specialist I'd definitely need a ride. So I don't want to make appointments if I don't absolutely have to, and if the PP clinic will handle that part, that would work out much better for me... but I'm not really sure.
Sounds like youve got your steps and options planned out and that's really awesome. Inform us on progress so hopefully we know if the things you did are going well. Edit: Uber has limits, I found out :[
Appointments sound like a hassle but I didnt think about how your health conditions might weigh in with hormones, it might be more convenient to go to your general doctors first and inform them about taking T, hopefully if theyre good doctors they'll take a logical approach and weigh in fairly what T will do for you. You dont have to tell anybody the exact reason of going, just something that you have a checkup to go to and want to ask the doc questions. I think fully informing your docs and then going to PP might be your best bet, that way you wont have a long trip to go on if you find there's a medical complication with it. I'd just go to your normal doctor to make it easier, they probably have the health records from other docs so Im sure you can refer all questions to them. Regardless, you may want to weigh the risk and start it to see how it affects you and just discontinue use if things arise. The person above is right though if you do go to PP once youre prescribed by them you can probably transfer to a closer doctor so you only have to make one two(four) hour trip instead of multiple.
It is scary to do it alone, but you need to do it, of course. T is probably the biggest motivation to break out and try things you wouldnt normally do for the sake of getting better.
If Uber has distance limits, could you make the trip in stages? Like have one driver take you to a coffee shop at the edge of their area, and then wait there until another Uber shows up? Sounds like a pain in the neck, but possibly less of a pain than waiting longer.
Quote from: The Flying Lemur on May 20, 2017, 09:46:05 AM
If Uber has distance limits, could you make the trip in stages? Like have one driver take you to a coffee shop at the edge of their area, and then wait there until another Uber shows up? Sounds like a pain in the neck, but possibly less of a pain than waiting longer.
This did occur to me; I guess if they do have a limit, it doesn't necessarily take them out of the equation. I'll just have to find out how it works.
in all honesty i almost prefer the idea of going by bus just because i'm more familiar with it, and staying in a hotel would be kind of nice just to get out of this house for a night. of course, the longer the trip takes, the less i'll be able to hide from my family, so i dread whatever kind of confrontation that would cause... but we'll see.
i can't really say i've made any progress yet. i haven't done anything, even so i have the steps more or less worked out. i think i let fear and stress get the best of me. i'll just have to try again, probably after i make my driver's license appointment. i feel the need to prioritize that over anything else.
edit: well, i did end up ordering a binder a few weeks ago, but i couldn't get into it and haven't had the time to mail it back. pretty sure i have missed the deadline for a return by now, so i guess i'm stuck with two that don't fit until i lose a significant amount of weight or something... not like it would have changed much anyway, i guess.
slight update, not much of one but whatever: looked more into Uber, they do have a limit but it's 4 hours so unless there were some serious traffic problems (which is a distinct possibility in my area; there's a lot of roadwork and bad traffic p much all the time), it wouldn't hit the limit because the projected drive is less than 3 hours. but since i don't have a phone with which to use apps, any scheduling i did would have to be from home, so i don't know how well i'd be able to ask for another ride if i did hit bad enough traffic for my ride to end. the cost would also be really high, even for the cheapest ride, so I'm iffy on using Uber.
I got a driving test appointment for 2 weeks from now. hopefully i'll pass and get my license, so if all else fails, that may be an option for me by the time i end up making the PP appointment (assuming i even can).
i had an appointment with my regular doctor last month but missed it, so i need to reschedule that anyway. i guess i can talk to him about my plans while i'm there, and see what he thinks regarding possible health complications or anything like that. then if he thinks i should make a separate appointment to talk to the GI doctor i can do that, but i'm not gonna go through the trouble of scheduling more appointments than are strictly necessary.
i am really scared about bringing this up with the doctor. i can't even really pinpoint why; it's not like i think he's the kind of person who would be rude or withhold treatment or anything like that. i'm just extremely uncomfortable bringing up this subject with anyone who doesn't already know about it. i don't know how to say what needs to be said. i'm afraid i'll get upset or emotional just from having to bring it up, and that would only make it worse. i'm wondering if it would be best to just write down a note and bring it with me... ugh.
then there's the fact that my family will undoubtedly find out about all this if/when i do make an appointment with PP, because that's a very long trip. even if i were driving by myself, i might end up having to stay somewhere overnight just because it is so far away and with my schedule, it would be past my bedtime by the time i got there and got the appointment done with (again, assuming i am even able to make said appointment in the first place). i don't look forward to that conversation, and i think avoiding it has been one of my main reasons for *waiting* to do this. the thought of it makes me want to throw up, tbh.
it is times like this when i really envy people who have supportive, caring families who are able to communicate with them and help them meet their goals... or at least friends nearby who can stand by them and offer a layer of support when the accusations start flying. i don't want to do this alone. i know i have to, but the closer i get to it, the more afraid i am and the more i want to shy away from it.
but anyway, I chose a PP based on location (closest to me is still over 2 hours' drive away by car, but at least i narrowed it down from 2 or 3 possible locations to just one).
I will schedule my normal doctor's appointment for now, probably contact the PP to ask about insurance sometime this week or next week.
I'm really sorry you have to do this alone. That's absolutely brutal. Once you get your license, do you think you could make it to trans-friendly support groups in your area? My local support groups have made a world of difference to me.
Quote from: The Flying Lemur on June 01, 2017, 07:56:59 PM
I'm really sorry you have to do this alone. That's absolutely brutal. Once you get your license, do you think you could make it to trans-friendly support groups in your area? My local support groups have made a world of difference to me.
that's something i have sort of considered off and on; i never really wanted to go to support groups, but sometimes i think it might be good to have someone i can talk to in person. i guess it wouldn't hurt to look around online and see if there are any nearby.
PP sounds like a good start to avoid waiting but I think it ight worthwhile, if funds allow, to see a therapist that can write a letter of recommendation to your GP or local endo so they can write your scripts. I know there's a bias for "specialists" in trans issues (especially with the risk of discrimination) but I used to have to drive 2 hours for my T script and when my red blood cell count raised "too much" (into normal male levels actually) they referred me to a general oncologist to sort it (who said "it's fine, they're normal male levels and you're becoming male"). So, from my understanding this is technically something any doctor can do... just very few are (were?) willing.
Also, laying problems onto a therapist can be more useful than with friends or family since they are specifically trained in how to handle problems with effective and healthy coping mechanisms. Plenty of bad therapists exist, though, so that is one area you definitely do want a specialist.
This may sound a little rough, but, as someone well familiar with things not working out and going one's way, my advice is: just do it.
It's easy to find excuses, make up reasons to postpone, to psyche yourself out and work yourself up but, honestly, if this is something that you need, then you need to take steps to make it happen and figure things out as you go. Ultimately, after years of nothing of real significance working out my way, some of the greatest things to happen in my life have done so by biting the bullet and just pursuing them and working things out as I need to.
Now, my more detailed advice for how to take the first steps?
- Call the Planned Parenthood that you've decided on and ask them about your insurance and see if you can speak to anyone about whether or not you can have, at the least, the initial visit with the Planned Parenthood where you live (if I remember correctly, you need to have bloodwork done before they will prescribe hormones -- at least, that was the case for me). From my experience, they require one additional visit, then you see them every 3-6mths for a while, then eventually only yearly. Remember, Planned Parenthood works on a sliding scale based on income.
- Schedule an appointment with your general practitioner and speak with him about all of this, at the least about your being transgender and your need to start hormones. Look at it as speaking to him about just another health matter, because that's exactly what it is. Trust me, we make a much bigger deal about being trans than the vast majority of the competent medical community who largely take it in stride. He should be able to give you an idea as to whether there are any contraindications or concerns as far as you starting testosterone (the endocrinologist with Planned Parenthood will be able to do the same if he's unaware of or overlooks one). In addition, taking that first step may prove a relief for you and steel your resolve in moving forward.
- Worry about telling any specialists you're seeing afterward, maybe not even until you see them again. If your GP feels differently, I'm sure he'll let you know and I don't see why you can't simply call up and explain the situation -- I'm not sure why you would need to schedule an appointment over this: if there's any issues or concerns, I'm sure they will let you know.
- Practice getting more comfortable driving as much as you can, well in advance of possibly having to drive to a PP location hours away. Focus on passing your driving test so that you don't have to worry about arranging transportation -- if you don't pass in time, figure something out from then, but for now focus on driving. Familiarize yourself with the directions to get to the location before you leave and, especially if you can't make a "practice run" beforehand, leave early so you have plenty of time to get there and find the place. You might even consider asking a friend well in advance if they could accompany you, just so you have that company if it helps.
- I have a strong feeling, especially given all of your fears and worries and your family situation, that a therapist or counselor may be of benefit to you. Try and find one in addition to working to start hormones. Seeing one doesn't need to constitute more waiting. Even well-meaning friends with some knowledge of psychology cannot replace a good, trained therapist. I think you may really benefit from someone to talk through a lot of things with. Planned Parenthood may be able to help you find a qualified therapist; there are also a handful who offer phone and/or email sessions that a number of transgender individuals have had great luck with. You can always try a support group to see if it's for you, without committing to one, as well, though I don't think it would replace a therapist.
- As for your family, why do they need to know? Legally, especially given that you seem to be an adult, they don't need to know anything unless you decide to tell them, and you don't have to, especially if they're going to be detrimental. Don't stress out over avoiding a conversation when you don't actually have to tell them a damn thing. Be vague, if you want, saying that you were referred to someplace or are going for some testing or something. You could even make up some story about visiting someone, or checking something out. Tell them as little or as much as you want, but you don't have to tell them anything regardless whether they're giving you a ride or not: this is your healthcare, and the privacy of that is protected by law.
Again, I recognize that, at minimum, much of this may seem rough (and if you have anxiety, it may seem inconsiderate or "easier said than done" -- I admit, I have friends with anxiety, but I'm not familiar enough to know how to delicately handle such a situation for someone with anxiety). But, sometimes, putting things bluntly and plainly has its benefits. Think about it as little as needed because, speaking from experience, over-thinking never seems to actually help except in delaying things. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is find that courage, take the wheel, and hit the gas: the rest can be worked out as you go forward and as needed. I've found that it gets easier and easier the more you do just that.
well, i had the appointment with my GP yesterday morning and gave him a note explaining that i was transgender and had plans of seeking hormone treatment. his main advice so far has been to get on an antidepressant; he was much more concerned with signs of depression than anything else. :/ so in hopes of boosting my motivation and killing off this fatigue and other various issues that have been hurting my ability to get things done, and also partly out of some fear that having diagnosed but untreated depression might delay transition efforts, i agreed to a month-long trial run. i have a followup appointment with him in 2 weeks, at which point he says if i think i want to see a therapist, i can talk about it then (or call him if i want to work something out sooner). i don't know if he means a gender therapist or general psychologist or what, but i figure i can explain my preferences to him whenever we discuss it. i don't know if i'll call before the followup appointment, but if nothing else, i'll bring up the therapist thing when i see him again and tell him that i'd like to talk to someone who specializes in this sort of thing.
I haven't called PP yet, and if I do end up getting a referral to someone closer from the therapist, i wouldn't mind not having to go all that way.. so we'll see how that goes, but i like the idea of asking them if i can do the initial visit at the one that is closer to me. that's something i hadn't considered, and even if it just makes one visit easier, it would definitely help.
on family finding things out, i know i don't really *have* to tell them things, but i know they'll drill me constantly for answers until i cave or else make a huge deal about me keeping things from them while living under THEIR roof. hiding the entire trip is the only way i could avoid being given a hard time, whether i told them explicitly what it was for or not... and unfortunately, i have no way of hiding the whole trip.
just a small update: saw GP again today and decided to quit the antidepressant. did not like how it was affecting me and i wasn't seeing any benefits from it at all. told him i didn't want to see any therapist but one who specializes in gender, but he didn't know of any. he said he'd research it, though my next appointment with him isn't for another month, so i probably won't hear anything on the matter until then unless i find one myself. i don't really want to call PP if there's a chance of finding something closer, but i don't like the idea of waiting a month just to see if there *is* anything closer, either. i guess i'll try looking for therapists again, but i feel like i'm jumping in blind. i just don't know who else to ask about resources and where to find things. no one around here knows about any of that stuff, and the more alone i feel hunting around in circles for it, the less i want to bother.
on a side note, i did get my driver's license... but i'm definitely NOT ready to make any 3-hour trips to strange places i've never been. i had a hard enough time just getting to the doctor's office up the street because everyone had conflicting opinions about how to approach the median in front of the entrance. -_- so any trips to PP are gonna have to be 2-day bus ride affairs, i guess.