it always sucks!! I just let it go most of the time unless someone's speaking directly to me or doing it at length. today it was just a store clerk talking to another store clerk because an item had to be taken off my purchase, it was innocent, but it rattled my confidence for a bit. I know it bothers me more than it should, but it always hurts a little.
It is one of my top peeves. Angers me and crushes me at the same time.
How I handle it depends on the situation. I don't always correct them, but it we are going to talk for longer than a couple seconds, then I tell them about it...nicely. :)
I don't get misgendered. However there was one guy who knew I was trans from an ex friend of mine. He asked me very loudly at a party: " are you a man?" I said " well of course not. Are you? " He is the one who got laughed at. If someone ever did misgender me in public I would not suffer the embarrassment alone. I would make it a point to embarrass them as well. And I wouldn't play nice either. If they had a big nose, were fat, balding, ugly, whatever I would run with it. Misgendering is an ultimate insult to a trans person and warrants similar action. I might get criticized for saying that butthat is how I see it.
Quote from: Cimara on May 30, 2017, 02:35:25 PM
"If someone ever did misgender me in public I would not suffer the embarrassment alone.
I would make it a point to embarrass them as well. And I wouldn't play nice either.
If they had a big nose, were fat, balding, ugly, whatever I would run with it.
I might get criticized for saying that butthat is how I see it."
imo ... There's a time&place for "not playing nice" ...
however, only if one does that with a smile on their face ...
I quickly look at my situation and balance my options and respond in whatever feels like the most appropriate response (or non-response, I'm partially deaf and can play that card from time to time in the right situation). Snappy comebacks aren't in my nature, but I can usually figure out a way to give them one additional chance before flipping the situation. My bosses did this all the time and I adjusted my body language to convey something of a "what is this guy talking about...?" and that seems effective enough most of the time because the clients become confused on my side and it just makes my boss look bad. One time my boss told the client my deadname before the shift, and the client approached me really confused after a mean coworker kept correcting "she" to "he" when he referred to me, but I rolled with it and assured him it's OK to just use my last name, and he told me "I'm really sorry, (deadname) is a name I've only associated with males, but we can try to remember to use that name" I felt like this guy could be trusted from the way he did this, and I gave him the tl;dr version of my story and he lit back up "Oh! That makes a LOT more sense now, we'll call you Paige." The client and his staff lorded it over that boss for 6 hours. Seeing as that boss didn't have any shifts for a few weeks, they might have called in a complaint about my boss. :)
It depends on my situation. In a casual encounter, I might just glance around looking for the guy, and perhaps ask "Who are you talking to?" if nobody is around.
Sometimes with someone I know who accidentally misgenders me, I might bend over to look at the crotch on my skinny jeans, then stare at the person for a second. I also might put on one of the "SHE/HER/HERS" buttons I carry with me in my bag.
If it's a more persistent misgenderer, such as a clerk or waiter that keeps up with the "Sir", "Sir", "Sir" nonsense I will call them directly on it and shove my ID in their face and ask for their manager. No tip for the waiter, of course, and I leave a little note on the receipt to let them know exactly why. "Great service, except the waiter kept calling me Sir!" I also leave online negative feedback.
On the street, someone soliciting who misgenders me gets ignored.
I highly dislike it when it happens. I do usually politely correct them if they sound like it was truly a mistake. Most people apologize and a few ignore me.
I have three techniques that I appear to apply randomly.
1. Let it go unchecked, feel terrible at the time and curse myself later, when I get home and think of what I should have said.
2. Correct it then an there. "I'm not a sir, I'm a ma'am." This one usually causes some embarrassment and profuse apologies and I like to instil those in people who misgender me.
3. Manipulate the situation against them. Like the time I was cold called and asked, "Hello sir, would you like to save money on your electricity bill?" to which I lied, "Oh no. I have an off-grid solar system." She hung up.
Most of these people are just ships in the night, I'll probably never see them again so why let them into my emotions.
Yeh, it hurst for a little while then I just let it go. A lot of it is innocent anyway, i'm sure most people have way more pressing things on their minds than if i'm trans or not.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Service personnel commonly address customers as "sir" or "ma'am" telling themselves this is a normal expression of respect, but in fact it is not. It's a means of emotionally isolating themselves from the customers so that they can interact in a more mechanical and distant manner. They are objectifying you as something less than human (just a "customer") and nothing more. Their gender-designating blurbs are about themselves and not you. Don't worry about it. Often they are so sleepy or hung over they say those terms without even looking to see who they're talking to. Don't let some minimum wage flunky ruin your day.
This still happens occasionally, but not often at all. I just don't pay it any attention.
Unfortunately it's the very reason i don't go out from my house as the real me I some day I will have to do it, not shore if I would just thump them 😁
It depends upon how I look and the situation. I checked into a hotel yesterday after biking 100 miles. The reservation was in my legal/male name. I think between the male name, sir and Mr it was a dozen times. I let it go. I probably looked very male.
But in other situations with makeup, jewelry, purse... I say "really? Do I really look like a sir?" And walk away.
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Being a younger trans man who is VERY early on T, people are often nervous to call me by the correct pronouns if they're strangers, the reason being that I simply look like a butch lesbian--and butch lesbians hate being called he/him. My face is very feminine as is my body, so I dress much more masculine than I'd like to in order to pass a bit more efficiently. But since I was 15 I don't think I've ever been gendered correctly.
However, I don't make a big deal out of it, both because I'm super socially awkward and because it doesn't necessarily bother me as much as it would if I was actually male passing and someone did it just to get on my nerves.
It still bothers me, yes, but each time I've tried to correct someone about it it just created more confusion for the other person and nothing was solved. No one said "oh, I'm sorry" or anything like that, they just stared at me and said "okay?" and then continued to misgender me. On one occasion a woman laughed and said "I'm not even going to ask."
Oh well, maybe one day it'll come to an end.
That hasn't happened to me yet thankfully. I would probably be totally pissed off at someone for doing that to me. At this point doing that to me would be just to be mean which is like totally rude. I really can't stand haters! Before I transitioned I was a very androgynous and small boy. Half the time people couldn't tell which sex I was. I used to think it was really funny how they went out of their way not to use male or female pronouns. They would say they and them or sometimes they would say This person. Haha
I have been misgendered most of my life. The long blond hair that I have had for close to 40 years has been the key reason. Also I have a more feminine face than most men
Restaurants are fun when the waitress comes up and says hello ladies then realizes the mistake. They usually freeze for a split second and then apologize. I put their mind at ease immediately by smiling and saying no worries hon Im used to it, I'm in transition. Most of the time they are fascinated and are interested to find out more or they just treat you like anyone else.
Clothing stores are another area that I always get misgendered and again I try to put them at ease by smiling and try to strike up a conversation with humour etc. Once their comfortable I usually get great service and anytime I return or see them in the mall they will stop and talk or wave.
Tactics for handling being misgendered depends on the type of individual you are, where you live etc.
Test the waters by trying different things when you go out and when you find something that works for you stick with it.
Remember some people just have a hard time and you may not get a good response but at that point just drop it and move on.
Finally show confidence when speaking with people, don't be timid etc. People will see the confidence in you and be put at ease because of it.
Finally I don't let it get to me and never take offence. People need to be educated so if Im misgendered and get the chance to change how people think about us girls then it just helps all of us in the long run.
Huggs Niki Marie
Funny story I once had my mom friend think i was her from a distance, long time before i came out. It made me smile a bit.
I have only been misgendered and/or dead-named by people who knew me from before I transitioned. It's kind of understandable, since they knew the old me. Being less than two months out, I don't make a big deal of it. I'll correct them and they are usually very apologetic. I tell them that it's okay, I still get it wrong sometimes myself. (True story: I have dead-named myself twice in public.)
So far, no one has misgendered or dead-named me maliciously. I am not sure how I would handle that.
I have been pleasantly surprised at how many people get it right first time, every time.
What's dead named mean?
Quote from: Julia1996 on June 11, 2017, 09:02:11 AM
What's dead named mean?
That's where someone uses your old (dead) name instead of your preferred name.
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 11, 2017, 07:20:35 AM
I have only been misgendered and/or dead-named by people who knew me from before I transitioned. It's kind of understandable, since they knew the old me. Being less than two months out, I don't make a big deal of it. I'll correct them and they are usually very apologetic. I tell them that it's okay, I still get it wrong sometimes myself. (True story: I have dead-named myself twice in public.)
So far, no one has misgendered or dead-named me maliciously. I am not sure how I would handle that.
I have been pleasantly surprised at how many people get it right first time, every time.
That is totally how I feel ATM my friends have only recently started using Tamara and She/Her and given I have deadname myself a number of times (it's easy to do when ur not full time) I'm happy to cut them slack.
They are all making a effort and time will do the rest.
Otherwise I have been lucky I seem to pass enough to get gendered correct at most places, except once store where I have had multiple runins with the same changeroom lady several times so I stoped shopping there.
I'm 100% certain she is just a hater, it happens.
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The only person who misnames/misgenders me deliberately is my Father. Even my mother doesn't use my old name or deliberately misgender me. This is the same bloke who claims to be an Ally, but refuses to "use any bloody name apart from the one you were given" (cleaned that quote up a lot)
In public I tend to get neutral pronouns although since using my new found voice I have noticed it has made a big difference and will get gendered female when using it despite how I may be dressed.
I did notice that if in the early days if I was ambiguous in my presentation people misgender me....
It has been awhile since it happened and when it did last time I just moved on...I am not going to get into it with some 18 year old kid in a supermarket :D
My great aunt Liz misgendrrs me and calls me Julian but I seriously doubt she does it to be mean. She's like really senile and I think she just is confused most of the time about a lot of things. Its annoying but I would never stop visiting her because of it. She is a really sweet and wonderful lady. She lives in a senior care center and she sometimes misgenders me in front of the staff but they are so fascinated with me being albino I doubt they noticed the misgendering.
A couple days ago an old friend saw me at a local cafe. He has had big problems with my transition. He stopped to offer consolidation over my mom passing last week. He then introduced me to his family constantly misgendering me. I could only take it and then cried hard when I got home. It doesn't happen often but when combined with my grieving it was just too much. Usually I just blow it off, not worth the energy to refute.