Paranoia.
Not extreme but it is very uncomfortable. It's all family related. I'm definitely being excluded from things. "We'll take two cars. You can come to XXX but you're not invited to go shopping with us and we'll meet you at dinner at 7:00."
At least this time there was no hiding it - I was not invited. But my wife goes out with friends that we used to go together and now it's just her... I guess there's not denying that someone in the group is uncomfortable.
Wow, what small minded people! You know I think I appreciate someone who is not okay being up front rather than pretending to be okay for a while. I have some stealth nasty attitudes in my life as well. All you can do is do your thing and let folks show their true colors. I keep this thought not to far from me when I think someone is weird with me. "What f(word) right do you have to judge me? Stay strong Dee.
Moni
do you think they meet up and talk bad things about you? i mean is that the paranoia?
good vibes your way anyway
UGH that sucks. Not much else I can say other than that it's truly unfortunate that they're behaving this way and worse yet that your wife is enabling it. Sorry to hear about this Denise.
That's messed up. I'm sorry but your wife shouldn't hang with people who don't accept you. If any of my friends were ever not accepting of my girlfriend for any reason or ever talked smack about her I'd tell them what they could go do to themselves.
Hi Denise, that must really hurt. How are you doing and how are you handling it? You know that you will need to talk it out with your wife but make sure that you take care of yourself. Get hold of me if you need a shoulder or hugs. - Anne
Hi Denise! I share your disappointment. I really do. But I'm not really sad for you... In our era it's still something that someone transitioning should expect. It is certainly better than 40 or 50 years ago. Hopefully, it's not as nearly as good as it will be in a few decades. But it's what we have now. Don't let yourself put down by it, though... I'm not really sad for you because this is an opportunity to be born again.
I've never been much of a social animal myself, in part because people expected that I'd socialize with guys but I really felt, well, like a girl... So I preferred to keep my low profile in a mantle of shyness and introversion. So "losing friends" is not really a problem for me, because I'm used to have very few. I mean, very, very few. And even those few, I'm willing to sacrifice in order to gain my liberty.
When I decided to transition, I knew that I would be penalized in many ways. I already lost some friends and family. I am 100% sure that I will lose much more. But in the end, I will have gained my true identity. There are 7.5 billion people in the world. I'm sure that if I really want to find two or three good, accepting and faithful friends, I'll manage... And so do you!
Those people you mention are clearly segregating you, based on your gender. I'd say [something forbidden by the rules of the forum] them and proceed with your life. They simply aren't deserving of your friendship. Stop moaning about it because that's what they want - that you feel ashamed. In a way, transitioning is a rebirth. And when you're born, you don't really have any friends (besides your parents and, still, not everyone...) As go the tune by The Dø: "It's the most virgin dress you could possibly wear" (Dust It Off)! Enjoy it!
Big big hug of courage with an even bigger smile of happiness for you! 👧
Sarah
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Dee:
I'm sorry to hear that. But, unfortunately, people's mis-conceptions will override their acceptance. Face it though, most people have not ever met anyone who they knew was trans. So all they have is what they have learned through the media.
Now, of late, this is changing for the better as we are shown to be the same people we always were. We are becoming more visible in media and life. However it takes time for this to take hold.
And, too, this may not be the way they always feel. People change. And over time their feelings may change. So try not to burn any bridges with family and friends just yet. They may yet surprise you.
-Sandy
Dee I'm sorry to hear this. I suppose I personally had found your wife's acceptance of your transition as hopeful. My wife likes me and seems angry hateful back and forth every few days. It's a see-saw for certain.
Are these friends couples or female only friends? It may be your wife may want to keep some friends to herself. Perhaps they are even her personal theropy group. If they are mixed couples then someone is not comfortable with you. I hate that you have this to deal with.
Honestly, this makes me feel bad that your wife would continue to communicate and have people in her life that would treat you that way. My wife is trans (mtf) and idc who it is, I would cut anyone off who could not accept my wife and who would treat the friendship differently because they aren't accepting and small minded people. At least you know now they aren't your true friends. I could never do that to my wife. Maybe your wife doesn't realize it now, but I hope she soon, and realizes that by her continuing this relationship with whomever, is hurting you. Just breathe, because this too shall pass.
Best wishes and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Xoxo
Hugs ❤️
I am currently under a kinder, gentler version of those same kind of restrictions. On Wednesday nights for group, I can wear whatever I want, but if I am in full female presentation, then I have to get into the car inside the garage and raise the door by remote from inside the car before leaving. On return, I have to close the garage door by remote before exiting the car -- and remember not to start the car before opening the garage door, and to shut it off before closing the garage door lest I gas myself to death.
When my wife is out or at work, I wear whatever I want, and when I go places alone (doctor, errands) I do so in female presentation but I keep things pretty mild. And lately we've been going shopping together with me in female presentation, but she gets veto power over what I wear.
For social occasions with her, I have to dress more androgynously -- women's pants and flats or sneaks, men's T shirt or polo shirt.
It is what it is, but I still have a happy marriage, and we have fun when we shop together -- and I am now consistently getting gendered female when we do, and my wife has no trouble with it.
Gaining my wife's acceptance has been a very slow process, but worth the time and effort.
Wow...Feeling excluded by people you care is indeed painful. My advice is to hold your head up and start cutting off people who don't want you around. You don't want them either! Find people who can support you and make you feel good, you don't owe them anything.
The ignorance of people, especially in todays day and age is really unsettling.
I'm sorry you're dealing with these thoughts but sadly, such thoughts are a reality for us... I'm sure your wife is a lovely person which probably makes it even harder for you knowing she may be catering to the needs of others before your own. Segregating people only makes the problem worse - especially if the one being excluded is a wholehearted, kind individual. People fear what they don't understand and may never even take the time to see from our point of view. I wish for a world where only one label existed in society "human".
I've come to understand and accept that there is no changing certain people's opinion on how they view us, or others. The best we can do is hope one day a light may spark in their brain for them to see that we are no different than anyone else. We knew the journey was going to be hard but, it's a shame when you have to deal with such narrow minded ideologies from people we cherish and love.
LGBTs have been some of the most genuine people I have ever met in terms of acceptance, respect, and compassion... and we are usually the most outgoing individuals to be around... We have such love for life and living it to the fullest
I really hope these people come around and see that you are still the same person they knew before and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are finally who you always knew you were and if that's such a bad thing for others to accept then they aren't worth your awesomeness! Keep your chin up girl!
That's heartless. I'm so sorry that she did that to you. It's a fear that I have that keeps me in the closet to many of my friends. I have many female friends that I love being around. I'd be crushed if they didn't include me because of being trans. Ouch. Hopefully they will miss you and get over themselves.
Quote from: laurenb on June 06, 2017, 06:22:00 AM
That's heartless. I'm so sorry that she did that to you. It's a fear that I have that keeps me in the closet to many of my friends. I have many female friends that I love being around. I'd be crushed if they didn't include me because of being trans. Ouch. Hopefully they will miss you and get over themselves.
We had a chat about it. A LONG chat about it. The stated reason - that makes sense - is I'm not her husband any more and she doesn't want a wife. Things have changed. Our relationship is not the same. Some of her (our?) friends are totally pissed at me (vary bad timing - see another post) and they probably will never get over it.
It's hard but I'm starting a new life in so many ways. Divorce after 32 years, moving to an apartment in "the city" and making all new friends. I'm looking at it as a fun adventure at this point. If I didn't I'd go crazy.
Thanks for all the comments.
Quote from: Denise on June 16, 2017, 08:43:31 PM
We Some of her (our?) friends are totally pissed at me
Wow how come they feel entitled to be pissed? Some friends she got.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 20, 2017, 04:41:40 PM
Wow how come they feel entitled to be pissed? Some friends she got.
Actually we have all made mistakes about our transition. I made a whopper on the timing of my public disclosure. In retrospect even I understand it to be totally bad timing. The unfortunate part was, there was a steamroller on it's way and I couldn't stop it.
I don't blame some of them for being upset with me and maybe time will heal that, but before that occurs I'll not be living in the same town, so it will be less of an issue. I've gotten over it and I'm moving on.
Just IMO, your wife should stop accepting their invitations to support you,
Quote from: GrayKat on June 29, 2017, 10:37:24 PM
Just IMO, your wife should stop accepting their invitations to support you,
There are different levels of support and acceptance. Keeping our friendship and her keeping her support group in tact are VERY VERY high on my list. She supports me down the middle - not positive, not negative. We do stuff together and we're starting to do more and more apart. Soon the divorce will be complete (end of the year) and I'll be moving away. She needs these friends more than I. So in a way it makes me happy to see her still out with her friends.