Hey everyone. Kinda having a rough day and a lot of things are bringing me down. The good news is this has been larlgley the only negative majority day i have had since early April. And I am feeling better now, and i am sure tomorrow will be brighter :)
Still I been thinking a lot about my life. There was a time where I was sure i was going to be just like my dad. Since my birth in 1994 i have had a large portion of that time either wishing i was a girl, could be a girl or later on suffering from dysphoira. Though, there were 2 years of my life i had no dysphoira, no longings to be female, no nothing like that. That was 2004/2005. Around this time, actually maybe earlier around age 9ish i tried to be more like my old man. I remember feeling a bit scared as a kid and lost over who i am and should have been. So? I tried to conform with the strongest figure i had. Litterly, my father is massive. He will be 50 one week from now, he is like 6'4 or so, built like you couldnt beleive and is a fighter (You know the friday night at the bar scence) . I know it is wrong to assume you know someone 100% but i would doubt very very strongly he has any trans-feelings. To put short, he loves his beard, i have never seen any amount of feminity slip out of him, loves to do, act and present basically anything that you would expect from a typical man, ect. I remember not wanting to be weak and vulnerable and not be a ''sissy'' So, I tried as hard as i could to be like him... with not so great results. I look back these days i wondered how I could have thought i could have done that. We are very different, though there are things i still wished I had from him. I am very sensitive and highly empathetic whereas my dad can easily brush things off, or get right in ones face and tell them exactly what he thinks if he wants. I cant seem to do either :/, i care too much about hurting others feelings even if they do me wrong. I mean I can stand up for myself, but i dont want to humilate someone or make them feel stupid even when they act that way. My niceness has in the past been taken for granted and i get hurt, whereas my dad will hurt you if you double cross him even if it is your first offense.
Now granted, during that time my dad I think noticed i was trying to follow him too much and didnt want that. I recall him telling me he wanted me to have a better life then what he had and genuliny seemed to want me to do better then he had. As I got older (11-13 or so) I patterned him a lot, espeically when around him i guess and he always did tell to think for myself instead of following. But at that age i was too scared to even find myself just a little bit.
I really think that with everything, i almost tried to be like Dad to avoid working on myself... Idk is this common too?, been a rough day over thinking
Love ya all
Your title is 100% WRONG
People are like snow flakes, there are no two people alike, even identical twins have difference finger prints.
I understand this completely my perceived identity is basically my dad, but indeed more feminine. Thank you for sharing =)
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Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 09, 2017, 09:35:23 PM
Your title is 100% WRONG
People are like snow flakes, there are no two people alike, even identical twins have difference finger prints.
I understand what you are saying but snow flake patterns are far more predictable than humans.
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well being that my father was in prison more than he wasn't, I didn't want to be anything like him. Or like my mother, who spends far too much time being judgmental & controlling. No, I think I will be like me.. that's the best way to be :)
Kids don't know what they really want or who they really are fully until they get out and live life and actually find out what works for them and what doesn't.
Quote from: Viktor on June 10, 2017, 10:18:22 AM
Kids don't know what they really want or who they really are fully until they get out and live life and actually find out what works for them and what doesn't.
I agree. We follow the best role models we have. Kids learn by imitating. It's how we picked up almost everything we know, including language, social skills, mannerisms, on and on.
Don't worry about it. It's a compliment to your Dad, and since then you've taken what you saw and learned, and modified to be yourself. There are many more people in your makeup as well.
We're social animals, and we take in what we see, in order to get along.
Randy
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Hi Ashley
I was the same when I was around the same age but back in the 70s I try hard to copy my father hunting fishing that sort of thing I thought if I try hard enough my dysphoria would go away how wrong I was by my early teens I went the opposite way becoming over sensitive hating the rough & tumble play fighting you get my drift , as kids me try to copy people a parent a favorite actor but nowadays I hate my patents, its a funny old world. Sara x
I look like my father but as a person more like my mother (btw he died from emphysema over 10 years ago) mind you I never wanted to be like him anyway as he was a right grumpy when he came home from work I kept out of his way
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." Oscar Wilde
Thanks for the clarity y'all! It means a lot, I am glad I can be me.. just kinda suprised at how i did and viewed things in hindsight. I have learned a lot over this past year!