I'm tired of being different. I'm depressed as hell, and I don't see anything positive happening to me.
I'm contemplating suicide.
I have already tried it twice, I hope I'll be successful this time around.
Bye bye.
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Please, don't give up. I know things are hard, but they can't get better if you don't give living a chance.
Saira, I'm so sorry things are so hard for you and not getting better. I have long felt that the therapy you're getting isn't the right approach and sincerely wish you could find a gender therapist to work with.
You've told us about your issues with abuse, have you talked with your therapist about that?
You seem to be facing two problems and I'm sure both are affecting your depression, both need to be addressed.
Please seek out more / better help.
Saira... C'mon girl... You've already been through a lot and we know how resilient you are. I already told you before: things take time and sometimes in life we have to endure a lot of suffering, for a long time, before getting the reward. Wouldn't your suicide be an awful loss of time? I mean, of the time that it took you to get where you are. Nobody knows when you will effectively transition, but one thing is certain: it will be less than it was yesterday. Cheer up! I understand and share the distress caused by dysphoria, and although "being trans" is a crucial part of my life, I try to make space for other things. And I bet it's the same with you. Yes, you are a girl inside. But don't forget that you're not just a girl. You're a med student, you're a daughter, perhap you have some hobby... Live your life. Don't worry: Saira won't go away. She has always been with you, because she's you. She may not be able to express her true self as yet, but please... give her a chance to be a medical doctor, a daughter, a happy member of society. One day, she will finally encounter the proverbial "perfect storm" and transition will happen. 😊
Big hug, Sarah
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Dear Saira,
I am so sorry you are in such pain right now!!!!... All I can tell you is that speaking as someone who has had the gun to my head at many points throughout my life... Had I gone further.. I would be missing out on the most amazing life ever... THINGS DO GET BETTER!!!! It is often hard to imagine that they could when you are in the depths of despair but... They do!!!!
The journey we are on can be so hard and feel so overwhelming.... Sometimes we have to break it down to make it manageable ... "Can I make it through the next minute?... YES!... Can I make it through the next hour... YES!!!
Please find some help today... There are always options and there is always a path forward!!!
With Love and Hope for You,
Ashley :)
I think you deserve the chance to see what the best version of you is. So don't give up and be patient, the best is yet to come.
I have started cutting myself again. Its getting worse.
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Quote from: Saira128 on June 12, 2017, 05:09:30 AM
I'm tired of being different. I'm depressed as hell, and I don't see anything positive happening to me.
I'm contemplating suicide.
I have already tried it twice, I hope I'll be successful this time around.
Bye bye.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Quote from: Saira128 on June 12, 2017, 12:35:37 PM
I have started cutting myself again. Its getting worse.
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Suicide is not the answer. Things can and likely will get better. Things take time. Please don't silence the voice of a beautiful person. Sing the song to your own tune, dance in the rain, pee in other people's Cheerio's, live for you, take pleasure in what you can, See the sunrise for what it is, the past is the past it can't be changed but your future is yours to write, so write it don't stop before the story is finished.
Quote from: Saira128 on June 12, 2017, 12:35:37 PM
I have started cutting myself again. Its getting worse.
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In other words it appears your therapist hasn't made much progress and is treating the wrong condition. Demand that your therapist get you started on HRT if only for a few months test period and if you therapist doesn't agree to try this, you should see if you can find another therapist.
In the mean time, would it be possible for you to work on presenting feminine? Many of us who have social dysphoria can reduce the dysphoria moving our appearance and social life more toward the desired gender. Dysphoria is worst when our progress is standing still. We feel better when we are moving toward our desired gender. If you need ideas where to start, let us know as we can come up with many options for you to explore.
Please don't kill yourself, Saira. I had to wait until I was 53 years old to start HRT but believe me it was worth the wait. Life is a beautiful, precious thing -- I believed that even before HRT, which is how I survived this long.
You do need to tell your therapist about this and try to get on HRT.
Please, please be good to yourself.
Luvs, Carly
Hi Saira
I am sorry you are feeling this way, over the years I have been to this point on several occasions and it is horrible and I really feel for you. I am sending you a virtual hug but it is sent with Love and concern for you. I really hope you are feeling better soon.
Hugs
Liz
A week ago, I underwent a test called Rorschach test. There were a bunch of cards with inkblots on them and I had to tell them what I saw in the inkblots.
According to the results, I am a paranoid, sexual pervert.
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I don't know what to make of it.
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You need to ask what type of skills your therapist has in treating transgender people. Your therapist wants to address everything instead of the obvious that you are what you say you are. Testosterone reacts badly with our brain and sometimes leads to an excessive sex drive, something we are glad to get rid of with a reduction in testosterone. As for ink blots, they are not totally conclusive. They may give you something to explore but they are open to interpretation.
Quote from: Saira128 on June 12, 2017, 10:29:43 PM
A week ago, I underwent a test called Rorschach test. There were a bunch of cards with inkblots on them and I had to tell them what I saw in the inkblots.
According to the results, I am a paranoid, sexual pervert.
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Hello, I underwent this test too. My results was depression disorder and very high propability of commiting suicide. It happened 2 years ago and I'm still here, didn't even try to kill myself nor thinking about it. What I'm saying is that you don't need to take that test so seriously. Psychiatrist is only a human afterall and the test does not necessarily say who you are.
So please don't kill yourself. Suicide won't do anyone any good, you included. You still have many years to go, don't throw them away.
Dear Saira,
I've been in that dark place, too and I know that sometimes it seems that the only solution is to end it all but trust me, it's not. It's a permanent decision to a temporary problem. Things will get better from now on.
A few weeks ago you posted this:
" My mom said, she loved me whatever the circumstance and said that I had her complete support.
My dad was also very supportive and he talked very openly about the different hormonal treatments and surgeries I can opt to do.
We now talk about this stuff very openly in the house, its no more a tabboo.
I am really very happy with their reaction, I love them so much."
So it seems you have great support from your family and while there might be setbacks from time to time, they love you and that is all that matters.
We need to be much stronger than the rest of the population but acceptance is getting better every single day. I've experienced that by going back to my home-country and received nothing but support. You might be different than the mainstream person but this doesn't mean you're not equal to them, mostly, it's fear of the unknown that causes lack of acceptance so I decided to educate everybody that I know because even it is just a few dozen people, if they spread the word to their friends as well, it will go out there and the more people that know about trans issues, the easier it will get for generations to come.
I never attempted suicide myself but I was close. I know quite a few transwomen who attempted it and are super grateful that they didn't succeed because they are much happier and stronger persons now even though they never thought this would be possible.
If you need somebody to talk just, DM me and I'm happy to talk and listen.
Be strong and don't something you can't undo.
Love
-Jessica
Hi Saira,
Quote from: Saira128 on June 12, 2017, 10:29:43 PM
A week ago, I underwent a test called Rorschach test. There were a bunch of cards with inkblots on them and I had to tell them what I saw in the inkblots.
According to the results, I am a paranoid, sexual pervert.
Rorschach tests are pseudo-science. I put them in the same category as tarot cards and palm reading. I think you need a new therapist.
As for the results, I'm guessing your therapist has no idea how to treat transgender people. It sounds like a diagnosis from the 1950s.
Many of us have had bad experiences with therapists. It isn't unique. In the 90s when I told a psychiatrist about me being transgender, she pretty well chased me out of her office. The look of disgust on her face was sickening. She didn't want to have anything to do with me.
I believe you have some people in therapy who've been drawn to the profession because they have serious issues themselves.
Please don't let the diagnosis of some bozo ruin your life.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on June 13, 2017, 08:14:24 AM
Many of us have had bad experiences with therapists. It isn't unique.
Definitely agree, it happened to me in 2014. Your therapist isn't the know-it-all, if it isn't working find a new one.
Dear Saira,
I know there's a strong familial stigma about being transgender in India. If I am not mistaken, the family fabric is very strong there and people rarely go against the wishes of their family. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I feel since the very beginning is that your family is having an awful hard time accepting the fact that you're transgender. They're pushing you to this "therapist" who is clearly trying hard and pseudo-scientifically to prove (unsuccessfully) that your problem is something else - something less "shameful" in the eyes of Indian society, I would guess.
If you haven't already done so, have a serious conversation with your parents in order to find a therapist who actually has experience in helping people with gender issues (and who doesn't support "conversion therapy" or other medieval approaches). Not sure if you live in or close to a major city, but I'm almost certain that with due diligence you'd manage to find someone competent.
Above all, don't give up. I myself began transitioning at 44, after about 40 years of progressively more unbearable dysphoria. Sometimes it was really hard. I did have suicidal thoughts. Many times. Very soon. I was about 12 when I wrote in my personal diary that I probably wouldn't last until my twenties because I'd kill myself before that. [emoji22] Guess what... I did survive. So no matter how dark and desperate things might look, there is ALWAYS a better option than suicide. ANY solution is better than that. Embarking tomorrow as a sailor on a ship to Patagonia is better than suicide. Deciding to leave everything and go playing banjo in the streets of Barcelona is better than suicide. Abandoning all to become a monk in some remote temple in Thailand is better than suicide. You get the point... Stupid thing about suicide is that's probably the thing you'd most regret doing, but you won't even be alive to regret it anymore.
Cheer up, girl! Don't damage your beautiful wrists and use a nice bracelet instead. It looks much more sexy than scars... And don't forget that we are here to support you. [emoji6]
Hugs, Sarah [emoji254]
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Are there any transgender support groups anywhere near where you are? It sounds like your isolation from your true peers is negatively effecting you. Perhaps if you could see a real gender therapist they might be able to put you in touch with other transgender people. We are everywhere. Before I came out I didn't know a single trans person. Now I know a ton of other transgender folks. And you know what? I discovered that we are not freaks. We are pretty much like everybody else.
Hey Saira... Check out these links:
http://transguys.com/ref/india
http://orinam.net/resources-for/lgbt/groups-and-lists/
They have a big list of resources for LGBT for many regions of India. One of them might be able to point you to a competent gender therapist. Hope this helps. Hugs, Sarah[emoji254]
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Rorschach tests have been discredited for various reasons. For starters, the results vary between people of different cultures; we're likely to perceive the blots as being something familiar to our cultures, and those things could vary wildly. I seem to recall you're Indian: studies have shown that Indians tend to respond very differently to the Rorschach test than their Western counterparts, purely due to cultural reasons. The test was based on Swiss mental health patients in the early 20th Century, who had an entirely different frame of reference than the average 21st-Century Indian! If you've just done a generic Internet-based test, or if your therapist has been referring to Western interpretations of the test, then your results could be wildly inaccurate. And they're very much open to interpretation by the therapist, so the results actually say a lot more about the therapist than they do about you!
So as for the 'diagnoses': paranoia? You have a lot of things going on in your life which are likely to make you feel highly anxious, to the point where you're actually self-harming. So it's possible that a therapist could interpret your reactions to some of the drawings in this light. But this test on its own is not specific enough to make a clinical diagnosis of paranoia.
Sexual perversions? Who knows what the therapist was thinking there. It's entirely possible that the therapist considers being trans to be a sexual perversion (it used to be classified as such!) so they may be prejudiced against you. They could simply believe that your dressing in women's clothing is a sexual perversion, so that's how they interpreted the test! Please don't take it seriously. Lots of people have kinks (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with kinks!) but they only become paraphilic disorders when they're so recurrent and invasive that they stop you from functioning normally. So it's very irresponsible of them to accuse you of so-called 'sexual perversion' merely on the basis of a couple of drawings, particularly as you're in a very vulnerable place at the moment.
So yes, I agree with what others are saying: please find a better therapist. And please take good care of yourself; you're valuable and loved. We are sometimes forced to go through these dark patches, but it's always darkest before the dawn. Things can and will improve.
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on June 13, 2017, 09:08:10 AM
Dear Saira,
I know there's a strong familial stigma about being transgender in India. If I am not mistaken, the family fabric is very strong there and people rarely go against the wishes of their family. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I feel since the very beginning is that your family is having an awful hard time accepting the fact that you're transgender. They're pushing you to this "therapist" who is clearly trying hard and pseudo-scientifically to prove (unsuccessfully) that your problem is something else - something less "shameful" in the eyes of Indian society, I would guess.
If you haven't already done so, have a serious conversation with your parents in order to find a therapist who actually has experience in helping people with gender issues (and who doesn't support "conversion therapy" or other medieval approaches). Not sure if you live in or close to a major city, but I'm almost certain that with due diligence you'd manage to find someone competent.
Above all, don't give up. I myself began transitioning at 44, after about 40 years of progressively more unbearable dysphoria. Sometimes it was really hard. I did have suicidal thoughts. Many times. Very soon. I was about 12 when I wrote in my personal diary that I probably wouldn't last until my twenties because I'd kill myself before that. [emoji22] Guess what... I did survive. So no matter how dark and desperate things might look, there is ALWAYS a better option than suicide. ANY solution is better than that. Embarking tomorrow as a sailor on a ship to Patagonia is better than suicide. Deciding to leave everything and go playing banjo in the streets of Barcelona is better than suicide. Abandoning all to become a monk in some remote temple in Thailand is better than suicide. You get the point... Stupid thing about suicide is that's probably the thing you'd most regret doing, but you won't even be alive to regret it anymore.
Cheer up, girl! Don't damage your beautiful wrists and use a nice bracelet instead. It looks much more sexy than scars... And don't forget that we are here to support you. [emoji6]
Hugs, Sarah [emoji254]
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You write so eloquently.
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on June 13, 2017, 09:25:19 AM
Hey Saira... Check out these links:
http://transguys.com/ref/india
http://orinam.net/resources-for/lgbt/groups-and-lists/
They have a big list of resources for LGBT for many regions of India. One of them might be able to point you to a competent gender therapist. Hope this helps. Hugs, Sarah[emoji254]
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Thank you so much. I'll definitely contact one of them.
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Dear Saira,
are you feeling better?
Hugs
Jessica
Quote from: JessicaSondelli on June 16, 2017, 01:33:08 PM
Dear Saira,
are you feeling better?
Hugs
Jessica
Thanks for caring, but I'm still feeling like ->-bleeped-<-, you can read my latest post to understand me better.
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Yes never give up we need people like you , don't hurt your self ,things all ways get better when you least expect it. Cherr up kido you have your whole life ahead of ya. And sometimes it is fun to be different.
Hugs and lots of love, Abbie
I am so sorry I was so rude to all of you, I was in a very bad mental state at the time.
Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over. After 2 suicide attempts, now I have finally stopped being negative.
I didn't even reply to all the suggestions you people gave me, I'm sorry for that too.
Now, I have started feeling a lot better. The depression is ofcourse still there, but I have started controlling it better.
You people are so patient and lovely, I am sorry, my behaviour was so bad. I feel so guilty now.
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Quote from: Saira128 on October 05, 2017, 03:28:56 AM
I am so sorry I was so rude to all of you, I was in a very bad mental state at the time.
Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over. After 2 suicide attempts, now I have finally stopped being negative.
I didn't even reply to all the suggestions you people gave me, I'm sorry for that too.
Now, I have started feeling a lot better. The depression is ofcourse still there, but I have started controlling it better.
You people are so patient and lovely, I am sorry, my behaviour was so bad. I feel so guilty now.
Saira,
I'm sorry to read that you became so depressed as to take the actions you have. I am still concerned when you said "I have started controlling it better" I hope that translates to "I am getting help from a therapist for it" If not then you need to be.
I have been trying to deal with my own depression and thought I had it "under control" but I am coming to realize that sneaky bastard still had me in it's grips. Oh it wasn't the "I want to die" depression but it did make me grump and angry and full of self loathing. All of these were "under control" right up until some current events dragged all of the pushed aside and buried depression back out. I have been having some better days but more of them are not. Those dark thoughts have come back and this time I haven't been able to box it up and get it under control. So this time I've had to ask a therapist for help. If you haven't (and no I have not read the rest of your back posts to know) then please do go seek help for yourself.
Feeling better and having it under control is not a solution. My depression is new and at the same time over 20 years old. It won't go away without help.
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on October 05, 2017, 03:51:44 AM
Saira,
I'm sorry to read that you became so depressed as to take the actions you have. I am still concerned when you said "I have started controlling it better" I hope that translates to "I am getting help from a therapist for it" If not then you need to be.
I have been trying to deal with my own depression and thought I had it "under control" but I am coming to realize that sneaky bastard still had me in it's grips. Oh it wasn't the "I want to die" depression but it did make me grump and angry and full of self loathing. All of these were "under control" right up until some current events dragged all of the pushed aside and buried depression back out. I have been having some better days but more of them are not. Those dark thoughts have come back and this time I haven't been able to box it up and get it under control. So this time I've had to ask a therapist for help. If you haven't (and no I have not read the rest of your back posts to know) then please do go seek help for yourself.
Feeling better and having it under control is not a solution. My depression is new and at the same time over 20 years old. It won't go away without help.
Laurie
I am seeing a psychiatrist, not a therapist. He does nothing but prescribe anti- depressants.
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Quote from: Saira128 on October 05, 2017, 03:28:56 AM
I am so sorry I was so rude to all of you, I was in a very bad mental state at the time.
Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over. After 2 suicide attempts, now I have finally stopped being negative.
I didn't even reply to all the suggestions you people gave me, I'm sorry for that too.
Now, I have started feeling a lot better. The depression is ofcourse still there, but I have started controlling it better.
You people are so patient and lovely, I am sorry, my behaviour was so bad. I feel so guilty now.
It's good that you've pulled yourself out of that downward spiral. The depression can take a long time to fully go away, if it ever does. All you can do is keep it from ruling you. I've been there myself before. I've attempted suicide several times in the past, suffered chronic suicidal depression cycles, was abused by my one of my parents, and felt I have nothing to hope for. I'll admit that your conditions living in the country of India are still worse, but not hopeless. A large percentage of the members here have been through or are currently in the middle of similar bouts of depression. There's a reason why the transgender suicide rate is approximately 50%. But there's hope in that statistic. It proves, beyond any doubt, that
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We are here to support you.
Nothing wrong with an apology, but please try to not harbor feelings of guilt. Those can lead you back into a deepening depression, feeling like a burden on those who care. As a human being you are supposed to have strong emotions, some of them can affect our actions and cause lapses in judgement. Just look at any girl (Cisgender or transwoman) on their period and you will see times that emotions get the better of us. It just proves that
YOU'RE HUMAN TOO! By all means show appreciation for the support you're given. Feel free to return it in kind when others need it. But don't beat yourself up just because you temporarily lost hope and lashed out a TINY bit. I have seen and done far worse when that depressed, and I'm sure there are plenty of other members here that can attest to the same thing. As long as you don't kill anyone, yes, that includes yourself, the rest is easily forgiven. Keep up the struggle. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find it. ;)
Stay Safe (PLEASE) and Keep Persevering
HUGS!
Quote from: Saira128 on October 05, 2017, 03:55:58 AM
I am seeing a psychiatrist, not a therapist. He does nothing but prescribe anti- depressants.
That's terrible. There are solutions though if you're willing to give them a try. There are psychiatrists that will meet with you completely online and specialize in transgender care and can even write you a prescription after a few (online) meetings. You can also order your prescriptions online through safe, reputable suppliers with that prescription if you're ready to take that step. Just say the word and I'll start working on finding that info for you. There is nothing we can't accomplish if we all work together.
HUGS!