Why do the "What ifs" always hold more weight than the "I am" ?
Why do I balk at doing things when I know I am feeling better?
Why does the What if I made a mistake slow me down?
Why doesn't the I know I am happier and more engaged with my world trump the "What if" ?
What if I fail?
What if I am not accepted?
What if I lose everything?
What if, What if, What if.....
There is always another "what if"
The "What if" is a wall getting in your way
The "What if" is a stone slowing you down
The "What if" is a figment of your imagination that you put there as a means to protect yourself, but it doesn't
That "What if" needs to be ignored and buried.
Why can't I get rid of my "What if"
Why does "What if" mean more than "I am"
How does the "What if" affect all of you?
I have low self esteem so my first what if is
What if people ridicule me for not looking female.
The second and final is what if I get beat up for looking like a girl? (because it does happen)
Quote from: MissKairi on June 19, 2017, 01:01:37 AM
The second and final is what if I get beat up for looking like a girl? (because it does happen)
My early outings enfemme were to overnight backpacking trips. I'd go away from the city, change in my car or a restroom, then walk 5-10 miles away to hopefully secluded area, then put a tent and build a campfire.
Once I camped in an open field not too far from a dirt road, sitting by the fire. And there was a pack of bikers going by... I was very visible to them and did not know what to do - try to hide in the tent, grab a firearm (I happen to have one in my pack, usually carry one in bear country), or what. Then I realized that if I do any of that, my life as I know it would be done. I felt so vulnerable there in the open. Then I realized that this is what women must feel being alone at night, vulnerability. I never carried a firearm en femme after that, if I die I die, but I welcomed that feeling as part of experience of being a woman, hoping that it would prevent me from stupid choices I'd make otherwise.
Well, I'm still around to tell you the story. And I'm not that physical to survive even a fair fight against any guy with muscles, nor am I good running in heels.
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A few months back, I scheduled a session with my therapist to discuss exactly this question. I had a lot of fears of the "what if" variety and they were paralysing me. Because of a winter storm and the length of the drive to see her, I stayed overnight in the city, which gave me an evening and a morning to kill. I decided to try some RLE while I was there, since no one would know me except the support group friends I hung out with that evening. I had a ball, enjoying every minute of the RLE and feeling empowered. I went to a bar with my trans friends, had breakfast at a coffee shop, and went window shopping. I even had a laugh about my identity when I bought something in a co-op store that I am a member of; the cashier keyed in my member number, looked at the screen and asked, "<deadname>??" I said, yes, I guess that would still be the name on my account; I guess I'll have to change that. It was all good.
My therapist session was inconclusive. She told me that, if I wanted to address the fears, I would need to schedule more appointments and do a bunch of work.
When I got home again, I realized several things:
1. The empowered feeling didn't go away when I got home.
2. I was already planning to go full-time in three weeks.
3. I was not going to change that plan over a few "what ifs".
4. Additional therapy sessions to address the fears were unnecessary, because I was going to go ahead no matter what.
As a result, the paralysing fear faded to nothing more than a bunch of squirrels chattering in the back of my mind. It was the self-confidence of spending a day out in public as myself that did it. I have been in to the city before as myself when I go to the support group, but I don't usually interact with others in those trips. This time, I was by myself and interacting with strangers and enjoying it.
The squirrels still chatter. They have their function: if there is real danger, I am counting on them to spot it and alert me. But now, my attitude is that if people have a problem with my existence, <not allowed> 'em.
Quote from: elkie-t on June 19, 2017, 06:21:29 AM
My early outings enfemme were to overnight backpacking trips. I'd go away from the city, change in my car or a restroom, then walk 5-10 miles away to hopefully secluded area, then put a tent and build a campfire.
Once I camped in an open field not too far from a dirt road, sitting by the fire. And there was a pack of bikers going by... I was very visible to them and did not know what to do - try to hide in the tent, grab a firearm (I happen to have one in my pack, usually carry one in bear country), or what. Then I realized that if I do any of that, my life as I know it would be done. I felt so vulnerable there in the open. Then I realized that this is what women must feel being alone at night, vulnerability. I never carried a firearm en femme after that, if I die I die, but I welcomed that feeling as part of experience of being a woman, hoping that it would prevent me from stupid choices I'd make otherwise.
Well, I'm still around to tell you the story. And I'm not that physical to survive even a fair fight against any guy with muscles, nor am I good running in heels.
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I'm in the UK, no firearms allowed haha :)
Just a curious thought for me is that bikers here are unlikely to bother you about anything. They've got the whole strong male look with big beard, big bike and that but they leave people to themselves.
More of a problem here would be the chavs. I don't know if they have them in the US (sorry if that's not where you are from :))
Kinda hard to explain but they are the type of people who don't work and never will because they don't want to. Wear solely tracksuits...and well it's be easier to look them up of you are curious
Suffice to say, from my experiences. They aren't very nice people who WILL shout abuse and become violent when ignored.
It's those sorta people I am very wary about.
That said, I am six foot with broad chest haha that's a scary woman :)
Haha, I just googled chav. Made me laugh. D-Bags, if you ask me. Definitely nice to be able to have a handgun in my purse if I were to be encountering any of them here in America.
To the OP: For me, when I survived stage IV colon cancer the "what if" that I would ask as to a result of doing something became a "what if" that I would ask if I did NOT do something. I became worried that I would never get to live as me, so I care not the result of doing, only the result of not doing.
Quote from: ainsley on June 19, 2017, 03:16:53 PM
Haha, I just googled chav. Made me laugh. D-Bags, if you ask me. Definitely nice to be able to have a handgun in my purse if I were to be encountering any of them here in America.
To the OP: For me, when I survived stage IV colon cancer the "what if" that I would ask as to a result of doing something became a "what if" that I would ask if I did NOT do something. I became worried that I would never get to live as me, so I care not the result of doing, only the result of not doing.
Excellent take on it. I will try to apply that to myself. Congratulations on surviving colon cancer!
I love your signature by the way. The Wonder twins were the best part of the show. The boy always got the lame transformations too. Form of a bucket of water....?? seriously turn into a weapon, or a vehicle, but always an inanimate object, heck I think once it was a rug. The girl always got the cool things, Gorillas, Alligators, Dinosaurs.....
I can relate to the "what if" questions but when it came down to it the only questions that was really important to me was
What if I don't transition?
Now that future didn't look bright
Good luck with your "what if's"
My existence has felt like wandering in a desert or being alone at sea from day one, most "what ifs" hold little fear in the face of that.
Was there ever a place or state of mind in which I felt altogether safe and comfortable that I risk losing? No. There is no such place to have left and got lost from.
The only situation of comfort and the only sense of "home" in the world is my sanity. So hopefully I don't lose that.
The only "what if" that concerns me is how much fight in me there is left for life. If there is any, I'll survive and find a way in any situation. If not, it'll be a dark place I go to that I may not leave. But someone raised in a dark place doesn't have much fear of the dark.
Hi Artesia and thanks so much for starting a topic which gets inside the mind a bit! ....
The "What If" is always born of fear... Fear is there to keep us alive but it can do so at the expense of the things that make life so precious....
I believe it is common for many to look at the unknowns contained in a "what if" and insert their biggest fears.... The biggest "what if" in my life was ... What if I don't transition? "... What if I don't say " I Am!!!"
( insert Helen Reddy " I Am Woman" lyrics here) :)
There is little I fear these days... Because like that song says... " if I have to... I can do anything"
Onward we go!!!
Ashley :)
I've been watching Abraham Hicks on YouTube as much as I can, trying to absorb the teachings.
Some of the things emphasized:
There are no regrets. You did what you did because you wanted to, or it seemed the best decision at the time.
You are perfect as you are, and always were. Any changes you initiate are up to you, but you remain perfect.
All energy is one..any separation between entities, even inanimate ones, are in our heads (quantum physics agrees)
All energy is love. Any behavior against love is against yourself, so don't bother hating or judging people (again, quantum physics agrees)
Always do what makes you happiest. That is being true to yourself and aligns yourself with "Source" energy, who loves you unconditionally.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx6SL1xBpWU
Love is all that is real... We are all one and just vibrations of a quantum field!
Onward we go!!!! :)
Quote from: Artesia on June 19, 2017, 04:40:41 PM
Excellent take on it. I will try to apply that to myself. Congratulations on surviving colon cancer!
Thanks! :)
Quote
I love your signature by the way. The Wonder twins were the best part of the show. The boy always got the lame transformations too. Form of a bucket of water....?? seriously turn into a weapon, or a vehicle, but always an inanimate object, heck I think once it was a rug. The girl always got the cool things, Gorillas, Alligators, Dinosaurs.....
So true! Girls are just better...lol