A few months back, my wife reached out to her father seeking emotional support in dealing with my transition. He is unfortunately an alt-right intolerant former law enforcement bigot and the conversation did not go well. While my wife defended both me and our non-binary child from his hateful assault on transgender people, he ultimately ended up disowning her over it.
Well last night he took it upon himself to out me to her entire family and other mutual friends through Facebook. He started by posting a status complaining that his daughters didn't contact him on Fathers' Day (you disowned her you prick and didn't bother calling her on her birthday two weeks earlier!!). When someone asked him what was up with my wife, he proceeded to respond with "she is upset that I don't agree with her husband wanting to become a woman". So off and running goes the rumor mill now.
I was driving last night when I heard about this from my wife and I was so angry I had to pull off the road. I was shaking uncontrollably from my rage. This is just a passive-aggressive form of bullying and how he thinks this is going to improve his relationship with his daughter, I have no clue. I'm not even sure how to handle this. I've debated all night and this morning about whether I need to just come out publicly so that I can control the message. I've thought about how far this may or may not spread and wonder if I can just let it lie and do nothing. If I do come out publicly, its earlier than I planned and will have ripple effects on my family and my job. So I've got to really think this through.
Hi Alyssa,
Some people can be so nasty. He sounds like the miserable sort that wants to make everyone else miserable. I guessing he's quite the control freak.
I'm not sure what to suggest. What does your wife think?
Good luck with your decision,
Paige :)
Alyssa I am sorry to hear this happened - something you couldn't prevent. Some people are just evil to the core, no other way to describe it.
Others here are more experienced than I am and will have better advice, but my hunch is it's best to just not respond online. If you respond, you won't convince those who believe the earth is flat. Ignore it, and consider staying off Facebook for awhile - will that site really help your transition?
Hi Alyssa,
What a wonderful exaple of a thoughtful and compassionate person you father in law seems to be... NOT !!!
It is a shame your wife has to claim to be related to such an jerk by reason of birth. Why such people need to be so nasty towards others it beyond my comprehension. I feel sorry for your current situation and sorry again that I have not good suggestion as to how your should handle it.(I have several bad ones.... just kidding I don't really advocate things like that) You are having enough of a time trying to deal with other issues currently with your wife and don't need this hateful man causing you even more.
I will just send you a hug and hope it turns out well for you in spite of this.
(((Hugs)))
Laurie
Hi Alyssa,
There are not enough expletives to describe the way this individual makes me feel, so I can't imagine where your head must be at.
That said, I do know how it feels to want to make decisions from a place of rage, and it never ends well, even if my decision would have been correct anyway. Try to give yourself a day, days, week, however long it takes for you to get to a place of rationality on how to deal with this. It sounds like he could just be asking for your angry response to create more harm where there shouldn't be any more than he's already caused. You were planning to come out eventually, so start considering how you would have done that, who would have been first, second, etc. I'm afraid that if you ignore this, others will come to conclusions or assumptions that could be worse than if you had come out at your right time.
I came out publicly on Facebook before anywhere else. People knew things were going on, though, and I don't know if people knew anything about your current identity (even in little hints) until this point. I wanted to make sure that people knew my decision and who I am becoming, because I know how gossip and betrayal go if people are left to make their own assumptions.
This is a FU situation for sure. The coming days, weeks, and months could be your chance to show your best self in whatever form you want that to take.
After seeing what Alyssa has experienced, I thought it over for a few minutes and de-activated my Facebook account. I'll re-activate my Facebook account in the future on my own terms with an updated profile after changes from HRT are visible.
I wish so much I could do something to help Alyssa, other than remind us all to stay strong and experience life the best way possible.
You cannot put the spilled milk back into the bottle. So, even if it is premature for your plans, I would own it and be proud. What is done is done
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: AlyssaJ on June 20, 2017, 07:56:27 AM
I was driving last night when I heard about this from my wife and I was so angry I had to pull off the road. I was shaking uncontrollably from my rage. This is just a passive-aggressive form of bullying and how he thinks this is going to improve his relationship with his daughter, I have no clue. I'm not even sure how to handle this. I've debated all night and this morning about whether I need to just come out publicly so that I can control the message. I've thought about how far this may or may not spread and wonder if I can just let it lie and do nothing. If I do come out publicly, its earlier than I planned and will have ripple effects on my family and my job. So I've got to really think this through.
Ouch. No, don't let this fool control your decision-making process or dictate the timing of your transition. Step back from your justified anger and resentment. Make your decisions about timing, openness, and transition based on your own needs and those of your wife and your child. Your father-in-law is trying to damage you and interfere in your life. Don't let him take the controls!
Passive-aggressive? I think not. Passive aggression is typically subtle, veiled, and snarky. This fool's act is just overtly destructive and hateful.
A minor side note: thanks for pulling off the road when you got the news. This shows you have good sense. You have a full life to lead. Don't let anybody push you into rash or reckless reaction.
We understand your pain.
Ugh. What a tough situation your father-in-law has put you in. People are going good to talk, and gossip, and rumors will fly. Do not let him control your narrative, as he will now try to do. Unfortunately it looks like you will need to come out to everyone a lot earlier than originally plannned. Sorry.
So sorry that happened and yeah unfortunately bullies like that exist and bigots often like to show the world their bigotry. You can tell he used a soft but nasty and passive aggressive statement, likely because he did not want to reveal the extent of his bigotry.
Yes, count to 10 and wait for the rage to subside. You control the message not him, so you get to decide who you will respond to and in what way. His attempt at taking something from you and your wife failed right of the gate.
Oh sweetie, that's awful.
He's a narcissist - the world wasn't going his way, so now he's going to scream and shout and make a fuss, and scream some more until he starts to think he's getting his way - it's called narcissistic rage.
http://thenarcissisticlife.com/how-to-deal-with-narcissistic-rage/
Please do not 'react', it'll only feed the troll, but use this as a clarion call - turn the negative to a positive, use it to create and set up a plan, start with work, make sure that they know.
Personally I have lists that I use to keep my real friends informed, and exclude others on social media - this could help spread your news in a way that you are in control.
(Hugs)
Rowan
Quote from: elkie-t on June 20, 2017, 11:43:26 AM
You cannot put the spilled milk back into the bottle. So, even if it is premature for your plans, I would own it and be proud. What is done is done
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
This!! He's awful but if you let him see you with your head down or embarrassed about this, he'll get what he wanted. Don't let him, take this as an opportunity, hold your head high and be proud.
Pretty nice, informative and spot-on link @Sno!
Quote from: AlyssaJIf I do come out publicly, its earlier than I planned and will have ripple effects on my family and my job.
This HAS TO BE your main interest when making a decision about "coming out". So, as others said, it is utterly important that you act following your own criteria and your bests interests. Also, if you decide to come out, make it look like it has nothing to do with your FIL disclosing (again, as others have said, it is important to "not react" nor make this guys feel like they have any sort of control over you).
Now, from my own point of view and experience dealing with this kind of narcissists.
1- As the link posted by Sno mentions, they have fragile egos, they are weak. Even if he first made a dirty (and potentially dangerous) trick to you, you're the brave and strong one here. He's the weak one. Don't let fear nor anxiety delude yourself, you have the winning hand.
2- This kind of guys usually weigh you quite well before taking any step, and even if they are fueled by rage, they don't act without thinking in advance. They're not fools even if they look like one. Expect he knows rather good how you think and behave. Keep in mind he would have considered your most possible reactions to his aggression and he's got a "plan" to counter-act them. If you do something, do something unexpected in some way.
3- They like to bait, a lot. It may be a resource to deceive them into believing you had fell in their game (and they had the control) while you secretly take further steps to strike back. The more he believes he successfully baited you, the more predictable his actions would become.
4- Never show emotions as a reaction to their attacks. They expect something: if you get mad they would be ready to escalate, if you get anxious and worried they would be ready to take advance of it. Calm, stoic attitudes not only may confuse them, but also show in a subtle way how strong you're (being immune in all ways to their strikes) and how frustrating could be trying to get things done their way with you.
5- Don't engage in any form of aggression against him (not even in subtle ones), specially in front of others (given he's likely playing the manipulative card). Pretty much the oppposite: be all polite and kind (while not letting him to control you), explaining and talking. Make him look like he's the cause of distress (and not your transition).
I agree with sno. Don't let him win here. I recommend turning it to your advantage where possible. Imo bandaid is off and anybody that didn't know in my personal life or work life that didn't know found out I'd play it like I was common knowledge and act like it's no big deal. You can't stop people from trying to put up obstacles in your way. Just try and make those obstacles work for you. This might turn out to be a blessing in disguise
So I did sleep on this and spent some additional time thinking about it today. First and foremost I fully agree about not responding to him at all. In fact, my family who was also very outraged by his behavior, wanted to take some action as well and I asked them not to. I felt that any reaction to him directly gives him some level of power in this situation and my goal is to ensure he has none. As far as he knows, since he knows he's been blocked from our accounts for some time, we don't even know this has occurred yet.
I also took some time to review his friends list and see just how many contacts we have in common. Obviously there are no guarantees, word spreads fast on Facebook and of course 6 degrees of separation and all that. Still I think the damage is less than I maybe initially feared, especially since it came in a comment on a post and not the post itself. Additionally, I talked with my HR about it today, just in case something does feedback to my co-workers who are not yet in the loop. My HR director was once again totally supportive and asked me how I'd like her to handle it if someone does come to her asking about it. We worked out a good plan and I'm confident things will be fine there.
With all that in mind, I've decided not to announce anything on Facebook yet. I figured even by that action, I'm showing him that he has some level of influence over our lives and I just won't abide that. Also, coming out on Facebook would mean without a doubt that every one of my FB Friends would now know whereas by staying quiet, maybe a few find out something and I can handle those situations as they come up.
So I'm sticking to my plan for now. I'm feeling much better now and still holding my head high. I'm traveling today, in fact sitting on a plane right now as I write this, in full authentic presentation and sitting next to a very friendly gentleman who was chatting me up right from the moment I sat down. I'm a happy girl and I won't let this narcissist bully me for a moment.
Right on! And hugs.
Perfect response :D...you keep the control over what happens...responding to him directly just gives him some kind of validation for his hate rant.
Great plan. And you know it :)
You are doing the right thing ....Think not react
Hi Alyssa,
Wow that's sounds like the perfect response to this. In the same situation, I'm not sure I would have been able to be so rational. It's funny though, being on low dose E for a year has definitely mellowed that side of me.
Good luck,
Paige :)
Wow.... just wow. Glad you feel you're able to control the situation to a degree you're comfortable with, I know I would be a panicky mess if it was me.